Listen to This

So here's that song I was talking about. Generally I like at least two songs from just about every band that ever existed no matter who they are. Except Rap you'll never convince me that has any redeeming qualities so don't bother, I've been saying it since the 90s, it's just noise. It hasn't "evolved" A rap artist that released a song today sounds just like the same ones I heard 20 years ago. Anyway, like I said I like this song. I tend to stay away from some bands though because I don't want to deal with the insufferable baggage they tend to come with. The Velvet Underground is definitely one of those bands. So listen to this, or don't I honestly do not care. Otherwise I'll see you Monday. Unless I see something to write about then I'll see you earlier who can tell I'm unpredictable.

An Emergency Saturday Favor Post.

Michael Moore was on Stephen Colbert's unfunny talk show to add to the hilarity because he has a new movie set to be released soon . I don't know when or what it's called because I'll almost certainly never see it but this is a different kind of post. It's not really political per se, or even really about Michael Moore. It just happens to come with Michael Moore because this statement reminded me I wanted and needed to write this. This is what he said

We Have to ‘Put Our Bodies on the Line’ to Stop Trump

No this post is about a favor I have to ask of you. A serious favor. I wasn't going to write anything at all today. I was going to post a You Tube video of a song I liked and go on with my day but I need to write this. First let me add something before I ask the favor.

Most people have a few close friends. Two or three maybe? They tend to think alike, like the same things, believe the same things...that's why they're your friends. A bubble if you will. That's pretty much the case with everyone no matter what your politics are, so everyone is guilty if you really want to think of it that way. The old saying "birds of a feather flock together" wasn't made up by some drunk guy. I'm financially pretty conservative but socially I'm a depraved, pretty much anything goes mad man so I tend to see things through that prism. But I've always prided myself on being a pretty social guy and having a lot of friends and talking to a lot of people of all persuasions no matter who they are, or what they believe, because people are people and if you're cool I really don't care what you believe and so here comes the favor I need...

This chorus seems to have gotten louder and more serious lately and Liberals have to cool it with all the civil war, and the resist talk. I'm begging - no warning - you. You don't know what you're doing and you don't realize what you're saying. It's fun to talk about with your friends and you get to relive your grandparents halcyon days of the 1960s but you have to stop. Consider me the guy that begs the outlaws to stop making fun of the gunslingers horse because you don't know what you're doing. If you want civil war I personally know people that will be more than happy to bring it to you. I know two people that have literal bunkers. One guy, on acreage in the middle of nowhere Wisconsin, and the other, a very, very heavily armed woman. For real honest to God prepper types.

This is not a joke.

Like the guy I know that sleeps with a .44 Magnum under his pillow. I don't know how he sleeps like that because the thing is a fucking cannon and it can punch a hole through an engine block. And he has more. Lots more.  Trust me, he's chomping at the bit just waiting for the chance to legally bring it to you. My friend the half crazy, ex-Marine machine gunner that served two tours of duty in Afghanistan? You think he's on "your" side? With the pussy hats and the "gender fluidity", and the five different all inclusive bathrooms?  He isn't, I promise.  I really don't hang around with them anymore but I know people that will kick in your front door, remove your head, and then go to dinner like nothing happened. If you think I'm kidding, I am not.  These are very scary, very dangerous people. They don't sit around at wine and cheese parties talking about the plight of the underprivileged or worry about immigrant children. These are things you only learn about people after knowing them for a while. I keep them mostly at arms length now but they're definitely out there walking the streets.

So this is my favor, I'm asking, no begging you to please cool it with all the civil war talk because it's only a matter of time before you get what you want, and there's another old saying. "Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it."  The world isn't Twitter, none of this is real. Your Facebook group and your Twitter friends make it all sound great, and exciting and maybe it makes you feel like you're a part of something bigger, but there are no winners here. I'm your friend and I'm telling you, if you want a fight, they'll give it to you and it's a fight you can't - and won't - win.





I wrote this almost three years ago. I took it down at the time but I'm reposting it now

Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx Broke Up?

Tongues are wagging -- that's right I said tongues are wagging -- saying Katie Holmes (no relation to Sherlock) and Jamie Foxx split up. That picture is supposed to look like it's torn but I only have paint and I only tried for about one minute because I'm not getting paid for this you know. And I accidentally labeled the picture "Jammie" Foxx which I think he should change it too because it might help offset his greasy creepiness. Katie Holmes said "no they didn't break up" but I'm sure they did. What do you think, people sit around all day just trying to think up lies about these two idiots? That's not a job. "The Lets Make Up Lies About Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes Division of XYZ Company" isn't a place you can work. And the source article is still referring to her as "The Dawson's Creek actress". Uummm okay. From now on I want to people to refer to me as "The former high school senior" because that's when I was my coolest. I don't think the network that showed aired on is even still in existence but okay whatever you say. Good luck in your new single lives you two.

Kate Bosworth is a Thief

Kate Bosworth and her husband - whose name I didn't catch before I closed the tab - arrived in L.A. from somewhere. Again I'm not sure where they were because I closed the tab so I'll just assume that, judging by the way they're dressed, it was from Europe where they pulled of a diamond heist. Someone should look in that silver case he's wheeling around I bet it's full of diamonds. Or more likely, that's just his hair products. While you're at it ask him why he's wearing a winter cap in 90 degree temperatures.

Chelsea Handler Topless

Chelsea Handler posted what I guess is a topless photo of herself on her Instagram for some reason. So if you want to see Chelsea Handler mostly naked there you go. Although why you'd want to do that is anyone's guess but hey it's your life. Weirdo.

Rita Ora is so 80s

Rita Ora performed to 15,000 roaring fans in Dublin because it seems that people in Dublin are so starved for entertainment that a Rita Ora concert would make you scream with delight. It's difficult to believe that Rita Ora is from the UK, a country that gave us The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, and The Sex Pistols. And whatever you may think of those acts they pretty much changed the musical world. And now this. No word yet on why she decided to dress like an 80s Valley Girl. Probably because she has shitty taste in clothes too.

Liam Gallagher Still Famous, Is Wolfman

I didn't know there was a full moon last night and neither did Liam Gallagher. A responsible lycanthrope would have spent the evening at home locked in his basement. I'm sorry I love the UK but I can't take a country seriously that still pays attention to the Gallagher brothers.

Rosario Dawson is Killer

Rosario Dawson was at The Edison Ballroom for the Luke Cage (whatever that is) premier. I'm sure it's good and some day you can tell me all about it. Like at my wake. I like Rosario Dawson, she seems cool for some reason. I don't know why I get that impression I just do. On the downside I also imagine she's the kind of woman that starts throwing ashtrays, lamps, and plates at you when she gets mad. I don't know why I get that impression either. But I do. It sort of makes it exciting doesn't it? One minute you're dodging a heavy glass ashtray that could kill you if she whips it at your head, and five minutes later it's sex on the kitchen table. I could probably deal with that for a couple of months. Give me a call me Rosario.

Emergency Zoey Deutch Post

This is Zoey Deutch and Glen Powell her co-star who I can only assume is her boyfriend They're the stars of some Netflix show called "Spice it Up" or "Step it Up" or who knows what the fuck it's called I really only posted this so I could tell you that people like this make my fucking skin crawl. I see couples like this hanging out in Chicago's River North area and they're about as awful in person as you could imagine. 

Koko Passes away at 46.

I saw something about this story earlier this morning, but the internet is so constantly, absolutely stuffed full to the rafters of people and their continuing temper tantrum -- or maybe it's because yet another celebrity offed themselves who really knows -- that I guess I didn't get the chance to read it, because it got lost in all of the white noise that's constantly spewing from the ends of your fingers. And I'm quite sure that they probably don't know that Koko the Gorilla passed away in her sleep last night at age 46. I linked one of the first "Best of Koko" You Tube videos I saw because there are a lot of them, so if you do decide to click on it, click around and watch some of them. So long Koko.

Andie MacDowell is Hauntingly Beautiful

The ghost of Andie MacDowell showed up in Germany at the Raffaello Summer Party and who can blame her. If I could travel through dimensions or hitch a ride on a haunted ghost train I'd travel around the world constantly too. I mean why not, it's not like you're doing anything else.

Janet Jackson is Better

Janet Jackson is in this months Essence Magazine. This picture may be from the March issue though but I liked this one a lot better and it seems like maybe she's in Essence Magazine every month so we'll use this months picture for an October blog post. In the interview she talks about her baby and and how he saved her life from depression. At last I think that's what she's talking about, you know I never read this stuff.  I'm sure it's important information for someone since everyone has depression now. Kind of like how everyone was lactose intolerant for a while there in the late 90s and had heartburn or whenever it was, and how suddenly everybody has insomnia and no one can eat peanuts or whatever the problem is this time. Who would have figured my hypochondriac grandmother would be such a trailblazer.

Sunday Morning Comin' Down

I only felt like writing one thing today because I'm running late so I'm posting the You Tube video of the greatest cover song ever recorded which was a lot easier than putting up some other half-hearted piece of crap story about some asshole no one will read anyway. I'll post the story a little later.

XXXTentacion Shot

 Shocking news from the rap world. Rapper XXXTentacion was shot to death outside of a Florida motorcycle dealership...

 The 20-year-old rapper was shopping for motorcycles in South Florida and, as he was leaving the motorcycle dealer, a gunman ran up to his vehicle and shot him.

Rappers getting shot to death seems to be like the 70's equivalent of rock stars drowning to death in their own vomit. Both being pointless and unbelievably ridiculous ways to die.  No motive was known and police are searching not only for suspects but also why I should care. RIP Temptation. Your light on the world will shine brighter than yadda yadda blah blah.

Josh Brolin is a Giant

Josh Brolin was at an airport or bus station. I'm not sure which and don't care. Is everyone sure he isn't like some weird kind of full sized midget? I mean Google says he's 5'10 but he just looks so odd to me. Don't get me wrong I have nothing against him he seems cool enough. And his dad James Brolin (that's his dad right?) was in some of my favorite movies, 1977's The Car, and 1979's The Amityville Horror, which is a good spooky story but otherwise total bullshit. Anyway where was I? Oh yeah Josh Brolin. I already forgot the rest. Have a safe trip Josh if the flight is overbooked I guess you could always ride in the overhead baggage thing.

Wendy Williams is Buggin

Wendy Williams was in New York and no I don't know what the fuck is up with her eyes. At first I thought maybe she saw a ghost or something but no, they look like that in multiple pictures. Maybe she's hypnotized.

Brad Pitt is a Daredevil

Brad Pitt was photographed "curbing the ollie" on his bike. After that he totally rode a wheelie for the whole length of the block and totally jumped that monster ramp, did you see that? Later him and his friends took the bus to see "Avengers: Infinity Wars".

Joanna Krupa is a Doctor or Something

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BIG JUSTIN THEROUX NEWS

There's big Justin Theroux news! The guy otherwise known -- and from here on out -- as Jennifer Aniston's ex-husband looks thin. I'd say he looks about 120 pounds lighter since he lost Jennifer Aniston. Well I guess that's the big Justin Theroux news, that he looks tin. What'd you think, he cured cancer or discovered a new element? I mean c'mon the guy is obviously a moron.

Camila Cabello's Career Will Go on Forever

Camila Cabello was at the "Capital FM Summertime Ball of Interchangeable 20 something One Hit Wonders" at some recent time I assume Friday. Okay she did that "Havana" song too so maybe she's a two hit wonder but I assume after this summer it's pretty much over for her. Remember that "Call Me Maybe" woman? Yeah no one does so if you want my advice you better save a couple of those paychecks.

Anthony Bourdain Dead at 61

Hey if nothing else at least he gets to hang around with The Ramones again

Olivia Culpo Goes for a Walk

All of the sudden I'm supposed to know who Olivia Culpo is? She was Miss Universe in 2012. Six years ago. I don't remember people I met six days ago why should she be any different. I didn't know there even still was a Miss Universe. So yet another 26 year old, mildly attractive nobody gets an Instagram account and what, everyone is supposed to write her a check or something? Take her to dinner? What does she want exactly. I mean seriously, who gives a fuck.

Where's Your First Amendment? Oh that's Right You Don't Have One

So this suddenly appeared in my blogger account and I don't know what any of it means but if you're in Europe I guess you have to stop reading this right now. I have no idea why anyone would want to continue living in Europe. The things I read about and see on the news makes me think you're all frigin loony over there. I'm glad we left for the Good ol' US of A. Frankly we probably should have just let Hitler or Stalin have the whole place 75 years ago and been done with it.

Samantha Bee is Really Sorry You Guys

Samantha Bee returned to her show and "apologized" for calling Ivanka Trump a cunt.

A lot of people were offended and angry I used an epithet to describe the president’s daughter and adviser last week,” Bee said on her first show since the controversy.

“It is a word I have used on the show many times, hoping to reclaim it. This time I used it as an insult. I crossed the line, I regret it and I do apologize for that.”

Reclaim it? Aren't you insulted that she thinks you're so stupid? Personally I hate the word cunt. Not because it's vulgar (which it is) but because it's so lazy.  It's like calling someone a faggot or a nigger. Only a slow witted, unserious person looking to shock people would resort to using such words.  And no, I'm not using stars to replace letters i.e. c**t. Once again, if you can't look at words you need to grow the fuck up.

 Anyway, I hate the idea that there a lot of people alive today whose only source of news and opinion comes from comedy shows, SNL, and middling comedians.  The whole idea is baffling to me. I can sort of understand if your 18 or 20 years old because you're still pretty stupid then, but much beyond that you really should try something else. Read the Wall Street Journal, The Hill or even the Washington Post. ANYTHING else. Stop getting your brains turned to mush by these mildly (at best) amusing dullards.

Quite honestly, if anyone says to me "I heard it on The Daily Show and Samantha Bee " I actually think you're pretty stupid. And not in an insulting way, like, I think you're dumb and I sort of feel bad for you. Kind of like how you feel when you see a dog with three legs. "Oh the poor thing. Well, at least he's alive and happy!"

And no I don't think her show should be cancelled because she called someone a cunt. I think her show should be cancelled because she's not funny and her show is ridiculous.

Whoopsie-Doodle

I had two stories written this morning and all set to go and then forgot all about them. I'll just save them for tomorrow because they aren't time sensitive and no one reads this anyway. Plus if I post them tomorrow I don't have to write anything new. Sometimes you have to learn to delegate this stuff. I'm like a captain of industry.