Toni Braxton. Hot and Alive

 Toni Braxton is surprisingly hot, and I say surprisingly because for some reason I thought she died in the 1990s. But that couldn't have been her because that picture is apparently from 2024. But dead or alive she's pretty smokin'.

The original story was how she married and then divorced some guy named "Birdman" all in the span of about two weeks. I suppose that's what happens when you reach the bottom of the dating pool and wind up with a "Birdman". 

Women can blame the men all they want but ultimately they have free will and actively choose someone everyone calls Birdman so I'm guessing the problems would be at least a 50/50 split.  

On the other hand, she said she's ready to start dating again...

 I'm looking forward to getting out there and dating.'

However, Braxton also admitted that she is nervous to get back out on the dating scene again.

'I mean, dating can be scary too. It can be a little bit,' she said before revealing the type of person she is looking to date next.

Of her ideal partner, she said they would be 'a nice guy, someone who will watch Lifetime with me all day long, at least once in the week.'

Hey I'm nice and I'll pretend to watch Lifetime, whatever that is. You'd be surprised at how much I can fake if it's for sex.

 !!!!SEXY UPDATE!!!!

Holy shit she's 57 years old!? 

 

Elizabeth Hurley NUDE

 Elizabeth Hurley was in the Maldives in a bikini, I guess just for a vacation. What she needs a vacation from I have no idea. And I know I complain about the endless bikini stories every week, but Elizabeth Hurley put on a bikini and really, it's unbelievable. And it's not like these are good pictures or something they're screen caps from a video posted on her Instagram. 

I just don't understand how a wealthy woman, that looks like that, who is at least on the surface smart and funny, and I would have to imagine at least mostly normal, is running around single. It's not as if I think a woman needs a man but there are just some things that make sense. Cats and dogs hate each other, 2+2=4, baby kangaroos get mistaken for giant mice, men and women go together, things like that

My secret hope is she's a giant whore that likes going to really perverted swingers parties, and shit like that and a dude would just get in the way. Believe me this fantasy goes on for many, many hours but I won't bore you with details. Unless you want me too

Sheree North is Here

 Do you remember Kramer's mom from Seinfeld? Because I bet you don't.

Candace Cameron Bure Struggles

 Candace Cameron Bure said she's struggled over her body. And then she posted a bikini picture on Instagram. If Candace is tired of struggling over her body I'd like to let her know that I'll be happy to struggle over her body for her if she needs a break

 

!!!SEXY UPDATE!!!!

HOLY SHIT THAT'S DJ TANNER FROM FULL HOUSE WTF

 

Kristen Stewart Does Stuff

 Someone said Kristen Stewart looked "edgy" and I think she does too. If their definition of edgy is a drug addicted prostitute in Louisiana you see getting arrested on LivePD. I don't know where she was or what she is doing because I don't care about doing this anymore.

If this is the last time I ever have to read about Kirstemn Stweart that would be absolutely fine with me

Jessica Alba Bikini Time NUDE

 

Jessica Alba is in the "news" again. This time in a bikini. She's hot and cute all at the same time which is extremely hard to pull off. I don't even think that's something you can manage to do on your own, I think it's just the way you're born. Plus she's well above (about to turn 44) my legal minimum age requirement of 35 so that's good too.

I'm not really sure what the cause is behind the sudden explosion of Jessica Alba stories, but they did call her "The Dark Angel star" even though I've never heard of that so maybe that has something to do with it? I don't know who her friend in blue is, maybe they mentioned it but I don't care, this whole story was totally pointless. Even more so than usual.

Tucker Carlson Isn't Cool

 I know virtually nothing about Tucker Carlson. I heard somewhere at one point that he was some kind of trust fund baby but I have no idea if that's true. You know who else is a trust fund baby? Julia Louis-Dreyfus. She was close to being a billionaire even before she was on Seinfeld. But she's hot and funny so I'll let it slide.

Well anyway, I guess I know what kind of car Tucker Carlson drives. A 1987 Chevy Silverado. And without even knowing him I can tell you he's not cool enough to own that truck.

 While getting gas for his new truck he said... 'All of a sudden at a gas station, it says, "Stop, we're downloading information from the internet,"' he claimed in during an interview with gearhead Casey Putsch.  'I sold the car immediately. I brought it back and sold it.'

 The disturbing claim follows reports of auto manufacturers sharing data with brokers and insurance companies. 

A New York Times investigation revealed that several major brands — including GM, Chevy’s parent company — were  tracking driver habits deemed unsafe.

Yeah of course they're doing that, the technology exists why wouldn't they? It probably won't reach the point where they're shutting off your car because you drive too fast yet, but I bet it happens within the next few years, and if you don't think we're headed that way you're an insane boot licker.

Amazon shut down some guys house because they didn't like something he said.  Which, as it turns out, he didn't even say.

 My home owners insurance threatened to drop me because there were some things they saw that they didn't like. Insurance my bank requires me to have. So I did them a favor and dropped them and went with someone else. But what if there was no one else?  

But you people are short sighted morons so you'll ignore this problem and call anyone that sees this as an issue a "conspiracy theorist" until it gets too big to fix and you're taking a two hour bus ride to work in a  government approved truck, and then you'll just blame republicans.  I've seen shit like this play out 100 times, I wasn't born yesterday you know.

 

Ben Affleck Goes Somewhere

 I hope Ben Affleck isn't as much of an asshole as I imagine he is. My asshole radar is usually pretty accurate though. My gay friend JD told me once that if you look at someone and "think" they might be gay, you're almost always right. So I'm assuming the same goes for assholes. 

Why do people talk about this guy so much? What was the last movie he was even in?

He was at CinemaCon in Las Vegas or somewhere with a bunch of other a-holes like Ryan Gosling and Andrew Garfield - whoever that is. Most of this story was about his beard. I didn't see any mention of Jennifer Lopez or Jennifer Garner, but who knows, maybe they're saving those breaking stories for Friday.

 

Neil Young is a Hobo

 Neil Young says he's worried he won't be allowed back in the US for some reason. Honestly I thought he'd be happy about that, what with all of the brain damaged retards he hangs around with that keep saying they'll leave the United States now that Donald Trump got re-elected

 When I go to play music in Europe, if I talk about Donald J. Trump, I may be one of those returning to America who is barred or put in jail to sleep on a cement floor with an aluminum blanket,' he wrote on his website on Tuesday

 He's a United States citizen. He can come and go as he pleases. Nothing's changed. Except I think he's back on Spotify, that's changed. 

Heart of Gold is EASILY one of my top ten favorite songs. He has a couple others that I really like a lot too, plus he's into model trains and shit like that. He sounds like a cool guy, I just wish he'd quit with the hysterics, you all sound like a bunch of drunk 70 year old women it's unbelievable.

Kylie Jenner Doesn't Know Shame

 I doubt very much that Kylie Jenner can be "humiliated" about anything. In public or otherwise. The full story is in Daily Mail+ and if you think I'd pay to read that Retard Bible you need your head examined. 

The Daily Mail is second only to Facebook for being the worst place on the internet and it's a close second. 99% of the time, I don't even read the stories beyond the headline, I usually just steal the pictures, it's almost totally unbearable.

Jessica Alba Brings Back Memories

Jessica Alba posted a bikini pic on her Instagram. She's terrible at taking selfies, but I am too so whatever. I haven't thought about Jessica Alba in years, and I remember when she was the original Jenna Ortega, or whoever is the newest "It Girl" now. And now that she's divorced from Johnny Cash or whoever she was married too I'll definitely think about her later.  

I have/had a friend that looks EXACTLY like Jessica Alba. TF are her initials. The resemblance is uncanny. I mean if you saw her in public you'd say "holy shit that's Jessica Alba" so when I see her (Jessica Alba) it does make me a little nostalgic for the "olde days".  We're still friends, albeit mostly through social media. These are all good stories right? Remind me to tell you about this one time I woke up in Indiana

Sydeny Sweeney is Single

 Good news everybody! Sydney Sweeney called off her wedding. She was getting married to some guy named Davino, or Devitto or DaVinci or something. Basically a stupid Italian. I don't know why she called it off, but I imagine she got sick of sitting around listening to him breath through his nose. The reasons aren't really all that important anyway, they never are and ultimately, it's the end result that counts.

By the way, I honestly don't know the real reason so my theory is probably true

At 27, she's slightly below my minimum age requirement, but from the little I've seen she seems super cool and every once in a great while you get a unicorn like that. They're literally probably 1 in 5 million if that, maybe 1 in 10 million. So rare in fact, I've maybe met four or five at the most over the course of my entire lifetime.

Either way you should call me back Syd (I call her Syd). The usual number

Nikki Glaser Gets Hot

 Nikki Glaser looks different now than she did in 2009. There's a lot more information here in the original story if you're interested because I'm not reading all of that.

I don't know why this is a story, but I guess she brought it up. There must've been rumblings about this on the idiot space (internet) so she's trying t get ahead of it by talking about plastic surgery etc...

 There's kind of a stigma around getting face work or investing in your beauty and doing all these procedures,' she explained. 'And there is maybe a little bit of a sadness to it, but I kind of also am like, "Well, it makes my life better."'

And then she delivered this truth bomb: 'People treat you better when you're hotter. It's just a fact. It's a sad fact of life.'

She's right. I've said it 100 times that I do not understand the objection to getting surgery to make yourself look better - as you perceive it - if you have the money. Do it. The technology exists. And I always said if I had the money so much of me would be fake you'd think I was a robot.

Okay and I won't lie to you and this much should be obvious but I think Nikki Glaser is smokin' hot. And honestly she could do whatever she wants. On a scale of one to 10 she's easily an eight. A neck tattoo would make her a 10 but maybe we can work on that.

There's just one problem. Niki Glaser is hot yes, but as she looks now, she's hot in a 20 year old sorority girl that spends every weekend at college basketball parties kind of way. I'd bet anyone that within the last 10 years, she's been to at least seven parties where she's worn a tiara. And if that's what she was going for that's fine, it's her life. I wish I could describe it better but there's my conundrum. Hot, but neither one of us would have anything to do with the each other. And she would be super snotty about it. At least that's the idea I'd get if I saw her in a jam packed bar where she was drinking green, lite beer and wearing a ton of beads around her neck. 

If it sounds like I have experience with this I do. I see these people all the time, stumbling down Fullerton Avenue and Clark Street all Summer long. Grow up Nikki.

Danica Patrick NUDE

 Danica Patrick posted a bikini selfie because that's what women do. Don't get me wrong I'm not complaining but imagine if dudes were constantly doing this. Posting constant pictures of themselves in their underwear. For all I know they do, you people are so friggin weird.

She's hot though isn't she? So this is okay, plus she's over 40 and races cars, or at least she used to race cars, I think she's mostly retired from that I know almost nothing about NASCAR. They drive fast in circles. That's all I know. I mean how much more perfect can you get. Unless she starts driving top fuel dragsters oh man. 

For a while I was worried I was going to get tricked like what happened with Jillian Michaels, but no, thankfully, it turns out everything is cool

 

Carolyn Murphy. 50 Year Old Super Model

They said Carolyn Murphy looked great at 50 years old. The only problem is, in which picture is she 50? I assume the one on the right since that one looks a lot less 1996. If she's 50 now she must've been 19 in the picture on the left. They also said she was a super model in the 90s but I'll have to take their word for that too.

See this is how you get older. Take care of yourself and watch what you eat over the course of your lifetime and you're still a babe no matter how old you get. Or of course you can do what most people do. Eat Taco Bell four nights a week and get that cleavage that starts at your neck and stretches so low it reaches out of frame in your selfies (for women) or grow a goatee and shave your head and wear black t-shirts that barely stretch over your beer gut when you guys go see that Poison cover band at Radishes Bar and Grill (for guys).

 

Brooks Nader Defies the Ages

 Someone wrote about Brooks Nader again. They keep calling her 29 despite the fact that she's clearly very obviously 40. The whole story centered around her going to dinner at Chateau Marmont in Hollywood on Saturday night which I didn't think movie stars did since the 1940s...

"Here's Clark Gable and Al Capone arriving at the Cateau Marmont for dinner in his Cord Boattail Speedster. Hopefully they can avoid a drunken Peter Lorre on this fine summer's eve"

Anyway, nobody is saying she's not a babe, I'm just saying she isn't 29 and I'm genuinely insulted that anyone would think we're stupid enough to believe that she is. And if she actually IS 29 (she isn't), just imagine what she'll look like when she really does turn 40. And that's just 11 short years from now. Poor girl.

Tom Holland is Dumb

 

Tom Holland is still walking around in a mask. 

In 2025. 

I just thought you'd like to know.

Katy Perry Gets Cancelled

Katy Perry might have to cancel at least part of her upcoming tour due to low ticket sales...

 The source said that the supposedly low ticket sales were 'starting to get very concerning, as we need those big dates to be full.'

Moreover, rumors are flying that 70% of tickets for a Minneapolis show and 60% of tickets for a Raleigh show are still available.

'We hope no concerts will be cancelled, as it would be a huge blow and disappointment,' asserted the insider.

You know why this is happening? No one cares. Katy Perry's first hit was in 2008, nearly 20 years ago. Most of these types of acts have a shelf life of 4-6 years. Tops. The fact that she managed to stay somewhat in the spotlight means nothing. I bet only a handful of people - even her "fans"-  can name more than two of her songs. Would you spend $400 per ticket to hear two songs? Obviously not. Frankly, aside from being good looking I don't even know how she managed to stay relevant this long.

Katy Perry is a Grrrl Power oldies act now. People born in 2008 are heading into their 20's anyone younger doesn't know who Katy Perry is. If she was smart she'd wait another 10 or 15 years and she can go on one of those nostalgia tours like Smashing Pumpkins or Green Day so people can relieve their youth like Gen X people do now. Plus her tits will probably still look good.

Eva Longoria is The Lady in Red

 It looks like today is Women Over 50 Day. Honestly can you blame me? Eva Longoria was at the Buena Vista Social Club but I have a feeling that's a movie or TV show she likes as opposed to an actual club. She wasn't in a bikini this time though so that's too bad. They did describe what she was wearing - a red dress and red shoes - so I guess that's something. 

She has a nice effortless smile doesn't she? I LOVE YOU EVA

KYLE RICHARDS NUDE BIKINI PICS

Kyle Richards put on a bikini then took some pictures and for that I'm glad. Kyle Richards is 56 years old. Did 56 year olds look like this 30 years ago? What I mean is, if you saw a 56 year old woman in 1995 would she look like this? Or more like Aunt Bea, because I was alive in 1995 and I think I would remember if they did.

I was even more shocked that I've written about Kyle Richards before. A lot more, with one story going back seven years. And I have absolutely no idea who she is. I see that I did mention a certain brand of "movies" at one point but I only scan the shit I write. She was doing something at some restaurant so I don't know how the bikini got involved but I only ever just skim these even less than I do my own past stories because I know you don't care and I for sure don't care.  

I will say I'm sorry if I was ever critical of you Kyle. Did I ever tell you I like girls in hats? Because I do. Give me a call and we'll play some shuffle board

Helen Hunt Looks Weird

 Helen Hunt looks weird now. That's her on the right. I think. Why does she look like that? Maybe she's taking steroids I hope she doesn't get too huge. Muscular women are hot up to a point, after that, it just becomes a weird sexual fetish thing. 

To be fair Helen Hunt and her droopy eyes was always kind of weird looking to me, so I don't really see the big deal. By the way that's her boyfriend. I didn't catch his name but he strikes me as a William. They look like a couple of Boomer Liberals if you ask me and believe me, that's one thing we don't need more of in Chicago

Jenny McCarthy NUDE

***For once I can actually show you Jenny McCarthy nude. Just click here (caution she's nude). 

Jenny McCarthy went to the iHeart Music Awards for reasons not known to me. Maybe because she's married to Donnie Wahlberg, but I thought he was basically just an actor at this point. Donnie Wahlberg was in The New Kids on the Block literally 40 years ago. Saying he's a musician now is like calling me a stunt man because I jumped off the garage roof with a towel tied around my neck when I was 12. 

They said she "looked super skinny" because she's taking Ozempic and seriously who gives a fuck about Ozempic anymore. Aside from the ever growing list of very serious side effects, what she or anyone else does to lose weight is their business. Quit being everyone's fucking nanny. Jenny McCarthy is 52 years old she's an adult.

I'm not defending her. I used to think Jenny McCarthy was cool, then I didn't, and now she seems kind of cool again. Cool as in okay, not cool as in cool. But she's from the Chicago area so she has a huge leg up on you people as far as coolness goes. Believe that

RITA ORA NUDE

 I've been writing about Rita Ora for years now and to this day I have absolutely no idea what she does. But she seems to like walking around mostly naked so here she is. Walking around mostly naked. I wouldn't recognize Rita Ora if she personally delivered a 24 karat pizza to my house but you people seem to like her. 

I think she's Australian and as far as I'm concerned only three things worth a damn have come out of Australia. AC/DC, Mad Max, and Olivia Newton-John. Otherwise they can keep they're freak ass giant shrimp and crocodiles and go straight to Hell

Kylie Jenner Red Sexbot NUDE

Kylie Jenner went somewhere this weekend dressed like a latex fetish model from the 1990s. I don't know where or why and I don't believe for a second that anybody outside of the UK actually gives a shit.

 I wish I didn't think she was so disgusting because she's hot as fuck. On the other hand, I'm way past the age where a woman being hot as fuck is the only thing I care about. I've had super hot girlfriends and when that's the only thing they are, that shit gets old way faster than you'd imagine. Take my word for it ladies, your tits become less fascinating after about two weeks. Three, tops.

Selena Gomez Sees Red

 Selena Gomez put on some black nylons to promote her fiance Benny Blanco's new single. I assume they mean music single and not single breakfast sandwich or something because who in the fuck is Benny Blanco. 

I hate to break this to Selena Gomez but I don't think of her as a "sultry siren", and I say that not because I'm important, but because I'm a fairly average man. You can ask me anything and my opinion will pretty much be what the majority of average every day dudes think. 

She seems very nice, and sweet and just doesn't give off that kind of vibe. At least not to me. Of course I know those are the types that really get nuts. I once dated a girl like that and underneath all that shy, unworldy innocence she was a fucking goddamn pervert. And if you think I'm saying that as a complaint you are totally wrong and haven't been reading this blog at all.

Jessica Simpson is On the Wagon (filled with booze)

Jessica Simpson "fans" were concerned because she appeared to be slurring her words. Of course she was, she's a drunk, at the very least.  I don't know why anyone would be concerned, she's a smokin' hot 44 year old with $200 million dollars in the bank. Especially since she's walking around in aviators dressed like she just walked out of a Dee-Lite video, or maybe as a prostitute in a 70's heist movie.  She's divorced now too I think which is even better

And you don't even really know her. See, that's the problem today, everybody is concerned with what everybody else is doing. Mind your own business. Walking around in a alcohol fueled haze is fun when you're 22,  but that's no way to spend the last 30 years of your life and I can definitely fix her. 

Anyway, she was on her way to the "South by Southwest Festival" for some reason although I don't know what they even do there anymore. Man she's hot though isn't she?

George Clooney Goes Brown

 George Clooney died his hair brown. They didn't say why, but maybe he's in another movie you won't see. I thought the gray hair looked good, I guess, I don't know I'm not a chick. I happen to like George Clooney, at least as much as a dude can like another dude that's a celebrity. He's in From Dusk Til Down which is one of my all time favorite movies, and I'll be really honest, I've seen some other George Clooney movies and they aren't exactly great so I have zero idea how he is still regarded as "A List" In fact I think the last one I saw him in was "Burn After Reading" from nearly 20 years ago (2008) and now that I think about it I'm not even sure he's actually in that. 

They all seem mildly okay and that's pretty much it. A movie you can watch while you do something else. But they don't make movies for me anymore, they make movies for people in China and other jungle countries where they let people out of the or sweatshop factory long enough to eat bats with rice and soup made out of leaves. Which is probably why if I buy a t-shirt online now, I have to order a XXL because they think anyone that's taller than 5'3 and weighs more than 101 pounds surely must be a two legged hippopotamus

They also insisted he's 63 years old. Look at that picture and then me in the face and tell me that isn't a 75 year old man. That's not a slam, I only hope to live to be at least 75 years old. I just won't walk around in white shoes and tan pants

eva mendes

 

Happy birthday Eva Mendes! She turned 51 and then did an ad for Stella McCartney, who I assume isn't married to Paul McCartney although she very well may be since I don't know who Stella McCartney is. I also assume she makes dresses or maybe shoes but I can't be bothered to look it up.

I think I know Eva Mendes from MTV? Is that what she did? Her existence has been in the periphery of my knowledge of the world for just about as long as I remember, but I don't remember why, or her being this hot. I do know she's married to Ryan Gosling who I like about as much as accidentally sitting in a giant salad bowl full of poison ivy. 

Ryan Gosling is the white version of Lenny Kravitz. He suddenly appears out of thin air, people talk about him for three months and then he vanishes again. Kind of like a cicada. I can't think of two people less deserving of their fame and fortune than Ryan Gosling and Lenny Kravitz but they're here now and it's just something I have to deal with, and the fact that she married that guy now taints everything else she does. Have fun with Ryan Gosling and your millions of dollars, losers

 

 

 

 

 

 

Millie Bobby Brown NUDE

Here's Millie Bobby Brown again. I don't know why she's everywhere all of the sudden and I don't know how that kind of weird PR works or if there's a big office you go to, to set this kind of thing up where there's a sudden explosion of media coverage for you and I refuse to do any checking. 

Now look at that picture and tell me those two people are in the very early 20s. Especially Millie Bobby Brown. They aren't, and you don't have to be Inspector Gadget to figure that out. If you asked me to guess her age from this picture alone, I would have guessed mid to late 30s and certainly not the 21 she claims to be. 

Just as an example, Ralph Macchio was 23 when The Karate Kid came out and not 16 like he was supposed to be  in the movie. So it's not as if lying about your age is a criminal offense, if it was 99% of Hollywood would be in Guantanamo Bay.

 

Michelle Randolph Isn't a Landman

I think I've written about Michelle Randolph before, most likely because she's hot. It wasn't until I wrote this this morning that I realized her name isn't Michelle "Landman" but that's the name of a show that's she's on. None of that changes the fact that I love her and want her to have my baby but that's something we'll have to discuss as a couple. I swear to God you people watch the worst crap imaginable just because it's on the flashing noise box in your living room.

Jennifer Love Hewitt NUDE

 Jennifer Love Hewitt posted a make up free selfie for reasons I no longer remember. I don't know, she looks fine to me. And I can guarantee if she didn't look fine, she wouldn't have done this. Posting make up free selfies isn't the huge deal you think it is if you're good looking to begin with

 

Millie Bobby Brown is Old

 

They said fans were left "baffled" by Millie Bobby Brown's "real" age when it was "revealed" she's "21". Most people said they thought she was a decade older than that. And do you know why you thought that? Because she is. That's a 31 -- at least -- year old woman. They said all of this while she was standing next to her "22" year old husband (no known photographs). You believe that? Some 21 year old is married? In Hollywood? In 2025? 

I've been alive for a while now, and I've lived in the third largest city in the country for most of my life. I've had multiple jobs, and owned multiple businesses and done all kinds of crazy shit, and do you know how many 21 year olds I've met that were married? Out of all the uncountable thousands of people I've ever met in my lifetime?

One.

So be real. A 21 year old is a junior in college. Does the woman in that picture really look like a junior in college to you? If it does you need to leave the house once in a while. Plus she's hot, and I'm not attracted to woman that are under 35 and my Sex Radar would let me know if she was. I honestly don't understand this age shaving that's still going on in this day and age but that's the world we live in. So she's 34 (that would be my guess) who gives a shit. I'm not even sure why I know the name Millie Bobby Brown, until about 10 minutes ago I thought he was a rapper in the 80s or something. 

Emma Stone is on Fire

 

 

They said everyone is freaking out over Emma Stone's new haircut. I'm not sure why, I dig chicks with short hair I just think it makes them more...interesting? Confident? I'm not sure.

And I'm not sure when or how Emma Stone became the new Joan of Arc but for some reason she seems to be treated that way by people on the internet. Of course, you people are a bunch of dumbasses so I can't say that surprises me all that much

 

SEXY UPDATE

Something is wrong with the link (the yellow words) and I'm not fixing it. If you need to know more about Emma Stone's haircut you need to get a life

DOGE Team Begins the Life of an Adult

 Everyone calling those DOGE people "Too young" are forgetting one thing. They are actually adults. In fact most of the DOGE team are much older than the ones they showed on TV.  The oldest person I saw listed was 57 years old and the average age - without doing the math - looks to be somewhere in the mid-30s to mid-40s.

 Even if that wasn't the case, so what? By 24 I had a girlfriend I was living with and had been out of my parents house for years at that point, and was fully supporting myself with a job. You know, just like a grown up. Paying bills... watching cable TV... owning a couch... all kinds of things a grown up does. And by 25 I'd started my first business. I was the owner, president, and CEO of a (very small) company that provided services to other people for money. I had letters of incorporation, and an accountant... Just like a grown up. And I'm not some ancient relic from the past that just got discharged from the service after fighting in the South Pacific, or Korea. And you know why I did all of that? Because I was a grown up.

In fact most of my older - some now long gone - relatives fought in a gigantic world war and were back and raising families, some of them even before they were 24. I had on Uncle that fought in TWO wars. All before he was 24. So what, are they worried about the health of these nerdy 24 year olds?

 I don't know when people started calling 24 year olds "babies" but they're doing that. I'd guess it all started in the early-ish 2000s when people were allowed to stay on their parents health insurance until they were 26 or 27. It infantilized everyone. Now you got 30 year olds that still live in their room and eat microwaveable dinosaur shaped chicken nuggies for dinner. And theses same people are calling people with real jobs and wives, and sometimes children "too young". Too young for what? Prostate problems? 

Anyway, I don't know what the psychological problem the people railing against these guys have but I bet alcohol has a ton to do with it

Sydney the Ring Girl gets Famous AND IS NUDE

 Sydney Something is trying to make the adjustment to sudden "fame" after she was the ring girl for the Jake Paul vs Mike Tyson fight which I'd already forgot even happened. Don't worry, as attractive as you are, your "fame" is going to be very, very short lived so don't get adjusted too fast. I accidentally closed the source story too quickly less than five minutes ago and I already forgot your last name. 

I'm not trying to be mean but if you think you're the only cute blonde with big tits and nice abs you need to scroll Instagram or any random porn site for about 10 minutes some day, so I hope you're super cool or something on top of all of your physical attractiveness.

!!!SEXY UPDATE!!! 

I just spent multiple minutes scrolling around looking for the original story so I could link it for you guys but I can't find it now. If you want to know more about her, just type "Sydney Ring Girl" or something into Google. Let me know what you find if you feel like it although it's not really necessary.

Jason Momoa Update

Remember Jason Momoa? Boy I sure do. Well here he is again doing something for SNL. I'm sure glad I get these once yearly updates about what Jason Momoa is doing. His girlfriend is cute. I guess. Way to go dude. He's probably cool. Maybe he isn't honestly I don't care one way or the other

Brooks Nader is 29 going on 40

 I was sort of flipping around looking at various "news" when I saw something about a television show called The White Lotus. It's the latest bottom of the barrel kind of garbagey tripe you people get obsessed with for some reason, and they mentioned model Brooks Nader along with a lot of other people that are in it that I've also never heard of. 

Anyway I thought Brooks Nader was hot so I looked her up and here's an interesting stat. They said she's 29. I literally gasped when I saw that. You know why? Because Brooks Nader- as hot as she it - hasn't been 29 since probably 2011. I'll say again what I've said 100 times. I don't care if she's 29 or 69 but this kind of lie is an infuriating insult to the intelligence of anyone that has an even half-functional brain. It's not important you say? It was important enough for the original story to mention it, I'm just a counter-point. And by the way, I've been correct before.

Oh wait a minute I just found out The White Lotus has Sydney Sweeney in it too. Maybe I should be watching this is what I would say if I was a mental patient. Anyway, Happy future birthday Brooks, whenever you say that is. 

Taylor Swift. The Lady in Red

 Taylor Swift was also at the Grammys. She's hot, right? Her music is mediocre and forgettable on it's best day, but you people are morons that lap this shit up like a stray cat that hasn't eaten in three days so they keep making more.

Like I said I didn't watch this shit show so a bomb could have gone off that blew off Bono's wig and I wouldn't know it.

Sheryl Crow Alive. Still Hot

 Sheryl Crow was at the Grammys last night. Why? I don't have the first idea. I forgot they still did the Grammys so I don't understand who could possibly give a shit about the Grammys in this day and age. Like I said, I forgot they were on, I forgot they existed, and I have no idea why Sheryl Crow was there. I haven't heard or thought about Sheryl Crow in almost 30 years. I also didn't realize Sheryl Crow was 63 years old. She's still hot so she could be 73 for all I care.

But at 63 years old why do you give a shit about this crap. You have an estimated net worth of $70 million dollars, why aren't you in a garden somewhere feeding butterflies with milkweed or whatever 63 year old multi-millionaires do. I know exactly ONE Sheryl Crow song so I have no idea how she managed to bank $70 million dollars off of that, who is buying all of these albums? The Chinese government that's who

Jessica Simpson Takes a Pass

Jessica Simpson wore a bikini to "show off her revenge body" after her split from "Eric Johnson". Did she show him what he's missing? 

Eric Johnson and Jessica Simpson were married for 10 years and have three kids together. Being the only male in the room, I can promise you Eric Johnson knows exactly what he's missing. I'm making up this scenario in my head but it's pretty easy to imagine... 

He's missing a brain dead idiot who most likely was passed out at the kitchen island by 2 pm every day. And if she did bother to wake up and brush her hair she probably took day time cold medicine to stay awake long enough to mix a few more drinks. Allegedly. All of that is just a guess of course. Go ahead and guess, give it a try.

REESE WITHERSPOON GOES TO WAR

 Are Reese Witherspoon and Kate Winslet feuding? Why don't you read this story and let me know.  Of all the things I don't care about, I care about this the least. I don't normally think about Reese Witherspoon and haven't since Legally Blonde in 2001. And when I hear "Kate Winslet" I assume she's in another period drama about The Irish Republican Army or something set in the UK the 1940s or 1950s where everyone drives around in British taxi cabs and she wears a shawl or something. 

 If anything a fight between these two might actually make them less boring

Kylie Jenner BOOBS NUDE

 Plastic faced, latex sex robot, Kylie Jenner put on an unreasonably expensive dress and took her tits somewhere for Paris Fashion Week. I hope they had a good time. By the way, this is a picture of a picture. I don't know why someone with an entire staff of photographers and photo shop artists would post this on their Instagram but she did.

On the other hand the picture itself does look kind of cool, the way it sort of looks like something out of They Live where they break into the broadcast TV shows with their pirate messages, you know what I man? Of course you do. Whatever, I hope her tits enjoy their time walking around Paris, eating croissants with cheese or whatever they do over there

Bill Belichick is a Stud

 Bill Belichick has a 24 year old girlfriend named Jordan Hudson. I don't get this one at all. You all know how I feel about "age gaps" but this one is sort of weird to me. I've seen stories about this relationship for a while now but I don't know who Bill Belichick is so I just mostly ignored it.

 It tuns out he has something to do with football and he isn't the befuddled manager of the grocery store in Mayberry. She's obviously a lunatic, I mean just look at her so the less said about her the better, I don't need her showing up at my house with all the free eggs she's getting.

Site Update

 I'm sorry gang, I know I said I'd try to write more stuff in 2025 for the eight people that actually read this crap, but I got sicker than I've even been in my life on Tuesday night. It was very weird, one second I was absolutely fine then a minute later I couldn't make it up the stairs to get in bed. It was like someone drugged me. The weirdest thing is how fast it's gotten to the point where I can write this but man I still can't sift through all that celebrity crap right now.

Two things, I'll be fine by tomorrow I'm sure, and secondly, I used to think Kristen Bell was the hottest human female on Earth before she somehow morphed into America's Sweetheart Housewife. It doesn't have to be this way ladies.

Elsa Pataky Nude Beach

Most people are talking about some new guy becoming president so I thought I'd switch it up and talk about Elsa Pataky at the beach. Her husband was around there somewhere but no one gives a shit about him. For real when's the last time you thought about Elsa Pataky's husband.

I'm not really sure why, but I actually prefer a one piece bathing suit on a woman as opposed to a bikini. Maybe it's some weird psycho-sexual hang up I have no idea. I've never bothered to look for an answer because I'm not ruining anything. 

I once looked up why guys like women in high heels and from what I read, it has something to do with women looking physically unstable in heels and it triggers some kind of primitive rescue reaction in the man's brain which sounds like a bunch of bullshit gobbledygook to me so I stopped checking why people like things. I just do and that's good enough for me

Sofia Vergara: The Nude Cougar Files

Sofia Vergara is rumored to be dating "F1 megastar" Lewis Hamilton. Being an F1 megastar is kind of like being the smartest kid on the short bus. 

They called her a "cougar" because he's younger than her, apparently forgetting that he's a 40 year old man. 40 years old is middle aged. In fact he'd have to live to be 80 to be middle aged and while that's certainly possible most people die in their 70s. He's probably already getting close to needing reading glasses and they decide to call her a cougar.

 Sometimes I think you guys just say shit you read on the internet without knowing what those words actually mean. If Lewis Hamilton had a 19 or 20 year old son and Sofia Vergara started dating HIM, then she'd be a cougar. Otherwise this is just two old people fucking.

Jennifer Lopez NUDE Bikini Pictures

Jennifer Lopez put on a bikini while she was in Aspen. See? This is that whole bikini thing I was talking about. It's winter in Aspen Colorado right now, why would you even bring a bikini with you? She looks pretty good in a bikini though doesn't she? Not like Eva Longoria but every one is different

Look, if people want to print endless stories about Latina women that are over 40 in bikinis I have absolutely no problem with that but I don't think you guys want to read more than a few of those per day. Do you? Because I'll be honest, I'll write them.

Is Hugh Jackman GAY NUDE

Some Hollywood "insiders" are whispering that Hugh Jackman "may" be gay. I've been saying that for 10 years at least. Much longer than I've actually been writing about my suspicions.  But don't worry they asked Hugh about it and he said, "No I'm not gay, no way" and then he we for a shirtless run with his Speedo wearing younger male personal trainer on the beach. So at least that clears that up.

 

Carrie Underwood Changes?

Some people - crazy shut-ins and fat old women that are drunk by 11am mostly - are complaining that Carrie Underwood has had too much plastic surgery. Did she? Because I can't tell if she did. There were a bunch of pictures of her on the original story but they all looked pretty much the same to me so I picked the one I liked the best. And even if she did she looks great, so what. That's why people get plastic surgery.

There were some pictures from 2005 which are TWENTY years old now when she herself was 20 years old so of course she looks different now that she's in her 40s. Do you even remember even being 20 years old? Anyway I always thought she was hot so maybe I'm biased. Oh don't get me wrong her music is awful but we can get past all that can't we Carrie?

 

 

Keeley Hazell is 38 Years Old

 Keeley Hazell is 38 years old in case you want to know how old Keeley Hazell is. If you want to actually know who Keeley Hazell is, that's someone else's job. That was what this whole story was about and of course there's the obligatory bikini picture. Tune in later for more Keeley Hazell news