!!!SHOCKING!!! Simone Biles is a Bully

 

Simone Biles is a bully and for proof somebody named MyKayla Skinner spilled the beans...

Well, throughout my career, there have been many times when I have been belittled and bullied by Simone and have wanted to keep quiet for the other athletes,' she told Fox.

And there have been multiple times through my Olympic journey and through camps, training, everything that we have gone through where she has come and belittled all of us. I’ve wanted to stay silent through this because she has a huge platform.

Anybody that's surprised that a (formerly) teenaged Olympic gymnast/cheerleader is an arrogant, bullying shit-head really needs to get out more.  You're really surprised to hear this? This comes as shocking news to you? You can tell she's a Mean Girl just by looking at her.

Europe Sucks

 Imagine caring about this. This... THIS, is what your European "betters" care about. An ex-soccer player and a woman that was in a make believe girl group 31 years ago. They'll click on a story like this in the "pub" while they throw darts and talk about werewolves and then make fun of Americans for being awesome. Enjoy your pretend "free" healthcare while you pay a 40-45% tax rate on income over £100,000 which in America is just a  little more than the salary of the garbage man

Bianca Censori is a (Fame) Whore

 Kanye West's "wife", Bianca Censori went for a spa day and of course she did it while she was dressed like she was going to a deadmau5 or Skrillex show in 2013. Why? Who knows. Who knows why do these people do anything. Just imaging being this desperate for attention and to be famous. I will never, ever understand it. Not in a million years

JoJo Siwa Bombs Out

 JoJo Siwa is "postponing" (canceling) all of her US tour dates after she was dropped from her record label. So if you actually know who JoJo Siwa is, and were planning to see her in concert I guess you better find something else to do that night.

It seems however, that she's still doing shows in Europe but have you ever actually talked to a European? Those fucking people will watch anything I have no idea what their deal is. If you need proof of my last statement, JoJo Siwa is touring there.

Sabrina Carpenter NUDE

 

 Some people are complaining that Sabrina Carpenter is oversexualizing her appearance which she denied by appearing on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine on her knees in nothing but white nylons. 

Of course she's over-sexualized. She's a talentless artist that makes terrible music for teenagers, and 20 somethings with brain damage. As far as I know she really only has one hit song that anyone even knows. 

She's basically the far less attractive, much shorter, chubbier, even less talented version of Dua Lipa if you can believe it.

 

Sofia Vergara NUDE

 Sofia Vergara shared a picture of herself in an OLD Dolce & Gabbana photo shoot on her Instagram, and I was wondering why she looked so filtered. I was tricked at first because I didn't realize Dolce & Gabbana was still a thing after (this description redacted). 

C'mon now, look at that picture and explain to me why she's the only one that looks like a cartoon character. 

And I'm not even saying she needs a filter, I mean, have you ever seen Sofia Vergara? It was just the first thing I noticed. And don't tell me you don't see it. They don't mention how old the ad is, but she's 52 as difficult as that may be to believe. Most 52 year olds I know have two feet of cleavage that starts at their chin and those weird jeans that somehow fit a 28 inch waste but cover an ass that's the size of a putting green. How does that work? How do they even put them on. That's so weird.

Eva Longoria NUDE in Spain

 Eva Longoria wore a bathing suit to the beach in Spain. She also had some things to say about Donald Trump, which I didn't actually bother to read because I don't have to, I know exactly what she said. I've been listening to you people bitch about Donald Trump for 10 years so you aren't exactly breaking new ground with me here. 

At this point it's like falling asleep with the TV on and you hear the droning noise in your head subconsciously, and it mixes in with your dreams like one minute you're asleep and the next second your riding in a flying Orient Express and President Eisenhower starts firing canons at battleships or something.  You're actually worse than the guy that spends all day calling a classic rock station and once he finally gets through he requests Black Dog by Led Zeppelin

Kristin Cavallari SEX TAPE

Kristin Cavallari is talking about having sex. Again. What a boring woman. This seems to be the only thing she ever talks about. Kristin Cavallari is what I imagine Nikki Glaser is like in real life when she isn't doing her "comedy". In fact I don't think Nikki Glaser's comedy is really all that different from whatever sex thing Kristen Cavallari is talking about today. Blow jobs? Hand jobs in the bathroom? You know, real cutting edge stuff. Have you ever seen these two in the same room? Nope. And if you did they'd probably try to suck every guy in there off so they could have a good story to tell later on, you know, since neither one of them seems to ever talk about anything else.

You people really need to start demanding more from these a-holes because this shit is like watching paint dry 

Bethenny Frankel NUDE

 The Daily Mail still writes about Bethenny Frankel and it wants you to know how exactly "the 54-year-old achieves her enviable physique", but I can tell you so you don't have to read 1000 words about it. Ready? 

Diet and exercise. 

Obsessive diet and exercise. And probably Ozempic too. You can tell by her skeleton like face. In fact she'd probably look 44 if not for the Ozempic Face. That could just be her face though, honestly I don't know.

Women (and men) that look like that at 54 - or 34, or 44 - live to look like that. Mostly. About 0.5% of the population are lucky enough to look like that naturally but most people that look like that literally spend their days and nights obsessed with food and the gym. It's a way of life and is like a full time job. I know because I used to be that person. And in some ways I still am. It's actually a sickness. But it's no way to live unless you're planning on being in a major movie or walking a Sports Illustrated runway or making content for Only Fans where a lot of people are going to see you naked or something.

People like this consider it a treat to eat one almond with peanut butter on it.  And no I am not joking. They're running on treadmills and working out six times a week. Sometimes twice a day. They measure their food with teaspoons and little scales. If looking like that is your job I can understand. And I guess it's her job but I don't know why. 

She looks good no doubt, but don't go down this road. Just be reasonable about your food and what you do. Trust me that's good enough, especially since less than 99.9999999% of the population will never see you naked. Especially if you get a stupid judge like I did

Gracie McGraw LESBIAN!

 Tim McGraw's daughter Gracie came out as "queer". You know, in case you wanted to know. And so now you do. Has your day been made better? I hope so, because it really made mine just a little more sunny. You know, to find out someone I didn't know existed 10 minutes ago is gay. Congratulations on your sexual orientation Gracie McGraw. Actually nobody cares. Just so you know

Miley Cyrus Can't Tour Nude

 Miley Cyrus has a "medical condition" that keeps her from touring. It's some kind of polyp but seriously, no one gives a shit. If you want to know what it is exactly just click here. Once you find out, if you think you want to let me know, just send me an email with the answer and I'll fly to your house and fill your car's gas tank with Great Stuff expanding construction foam. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I can't fathom the seemingly endless fascination you people seem to have with this woman. I just do not get it.

Dua Lipa is Very Hot.

 Dua Lipa is extremely hot, there's no doubt about it, and she was in France dressed like a stripper to prove it. In fact, if I had to build a woman in my garage, honestly it would probably look like her. But for baffling reasons I will never understand, people pay money that they worked for to see her in concert on what seems to be a never ending world tour because I've been hearing about her tour for what seems like the last three years. And while I have to admit I've never heard more than 10 seconds of any of her "music" I don't have too. I know exactly what it sounds like just by looking at her and the people that buy tickets to these shows. This isn't my first day alive on Earth you know.

Miley Cyrus is Stepping Out

 They wrote about Miley Cyrus walking to her car. Imagine caring about this. Someone's job, that they got paid money for, was to take a picture of a middling performer walking to her car. How would they even know where Miley Cyrus is at any given time. They then went into great detail describing what she was wearing. A tank top and black pants.

I've always said Miley Cyrus was very hot in a sort of white trash, last call, dive bar kind of way, but so what. I've known plenty of hot, white trash, dive bar girls and I wouldn't have bought any of their albums or paid hundreds of dollars for tickets to their concerts. I just do not understand what makes Miley Cyrus any different. Oh wait, I know what it is. You people are stupid and have awful taste in music

Brooks Nader LESBIAN NUDES

 After breaking up with her last boyfriend, Whatsisface Whatevername, Brooks Nader is "thinking" about being gay. But she's also still claiming to be 28 years old. That woman is 40 if she's a day.

 

When asked about the qualities she is looking for next in her 'Mr. Right,' Nader responded: 'Honestly I don't even know. Maybe it's mister, maybe it's missus. I don't even know. Who knows? My sister keeps telling me I got to switch teams.'She continued: 'She's, like, over me with the guys. Who knows? I'm 28 and I've been married only so I'm like, "We'll see what happens." I'm open to whatevs but I'm not looking for any kind of a partner right now.'

Every one is gay now. I don't know why but that's the time we live in I guess. And lucky for her it's just in time for Pride Month. What a coincidence. 

And I don't know why she keeps getting written about all the time all of the sudden but she is. And don't forget, Amber Heard was supposedly a lesbian and then she had twins with some guy who's name I don't remember, if I ever knew it in the first place. If you want hardcore information I guess this is the place to come too 

Amber Heard SEX NUDES

 Amber Heard had twins? I thought Amber Heard was a lesbian. The one thing I know about lesbians is they usually don't have sex with men, and there are limited ways to get pregnant without that. And I have zero idea who you people are constantly talking about lately. I haven't heard the name Amber Heard in about a year. And now with Instagram and X and Facebook... everyone is famous. Even you. And no one deserves to be famous less than you, believe me. Could you be any more dull?

Is That You Matt Damon?

 

They said Matt Damon looked "unrecognizable" with a beard, and I guess he would be if you never saw him before. He was at the premier of his new movie, or someone's new movie, called "Shadow Force" or some fucking thing, there is no way in the world I'm ever going to see this so they could have taken a picture of him while he was bowling for all I care. 

He was there with his wife Luciano Barroso who's pretty hot. Thank God he got her to stop cooking spaghetti long enough to go with him to this thing so at least everyone had something nice to watch instead of this movie

Site Update

 I'm sorry gang, I know it seems like I abandoned this place and I guess I kind of mostly did. The fact is, my main, go-to site where I'd steal all the pictures and stories from - The Daily Mail - has become and almost unreadable garbage dump. Seriously, I don't know what happened over there. It's like they fired all their "writers", such as they are, and just use ChatGPT or AI, or they hired a bunch of 8th graders or something it's horrible.

Plus it's also become almost intolerably click-baity since they've started to try to move more toward a subscription (read: paid) site, and now they have to appeal to Facebook boomers from Second and Third World countries that still fall for that kind of thing. I've been very slowly looking for better sources but none can match the sheer physical size of The Daily Mail so a lot more searching is involved and I don't always have time for that.

Anyway, I'm not going anywhere just yet. 

 

Elizabeth Hurley NUDE TITS

 Elizabeth Hurley is still running around in a bikini and I'm sorry, I didn't want to write about this again so soon but I have certain self imposed standards that I need to keep, and one of them is talking about Elizabeth Hurley when she's running around mostly naked. Plus I didn't want to leave George "Brown Haired" Clooney at the top stinking up the whole place.

George Clooney Looks Dumb

George Clooney is still walking around with that ridiculous hair. I don't know, maybe if he went with a lighter color or something it would've been better. Instead he looks like he's walking around in a bar or nightclub hitting on women that are 40 years younger than he is

 

Lizzo is Thin as a Rail

 They said Lizzo "showed off her dramatic weight loss". Imagine being so fat that this is what's called dramatic. I didn't use the picture that showed her from behind, and trust me you'll thank me later. Still she's doing it though so good for her. 

She's 36 now and trust me, you can't be nearly 400 pounds when you're 40 years old, you just can't, I don't care how positive anyone says it is. The human body has it's physical limits and when you hit your 40s, things start to change and you'll just drop dead one day. I'm sorry, that's just how it is, and we don't make the rules. So keep up the good work Lizzo, I'm sure we'll be enjoying your music for many years to come. I won't, I've never heard it and I never will but you know what I mean

Cardi B is Gross

 Cardi B and her disgusting freak-ass performed at Coachella. I'm not sure what kind of person finds this attractive but somebody does. Hey to each their own, I like girls with Mohawks so who am I to judge anyone

This will definitely be one of the few times I write about Coachella which, for some reason, seems to go on for a month. I honestly can't figure out who cares about this that much but again, to each their own. I suppose it goes on for so long to give every B, C, and D-List asshole enough time to show up and wear their brand new $400 tie-dyed t-shirt and dream catcher belt in front of any dumbass with a camera.

Tickets START at nearly $700 in case you feel like blowing nearly two grand so you and a friend can go sit outside and listen to shitty music for three days. I wouldn't pay $700 to watch Jesus Christ ride a unicycle down the street but you're the one that spent $150,000 for college to get a degree in Native American Bead Studies so believe me, no one is going to be asking you for financial advice anyway.

Mel B Goes Wild

 Former Spice Girl, Mel B, took a break from her new job as a bar room bouncer to cool off in the water in Australia. I was going to say she should be careful, they have a lot of sharks there, but it looks like she could probably handle them too. 

Maybe they're filming a new Mad Max, otherwise I can't figure out why everyone keeps going to Australia.  If people are still in those camps just put Mel B on it.  If they can get her to stop ripping phone books in half long enough

Chris Schwarzenegger is Helping

                                                 

 Apparently Arnold Schwarzenegger's son Chris lost a lot of weight and then promptly put it all back on. I think that's what they're talking about, the source material from this place isn't always entirely clear. And I didn't know that Arnold Schwarzenegger had a son named Chris. Maybe they don't talk about him much if you know what I mean. Just look at him of course you know what I mean. 

The bigger story here is how he's driving and doing things all by himself! They didn't say where he was going but I'd guess to his job as a bag boy in the grocery store or maybe the guy that collects the carts since he looks pretty strong. Keep going Chris! You're doing such a good job!

Toni Braxton. Hot and Alive

 Toni Braxton is surprisingly hot, and I say surprisingly because for some reason I thought she died in the 1990s. But that couldn't have been her because that picture is apparently from 2024. But dead or alive she's pretty smokin'.

The original story was how she married and then divorced some guy named "Birdman" all in the span of about two weeks. I suppose that's what happens when you reach the bottom of the dating pool and wind up with a "Birdman". 

Women can blame the men all they want but ultimately they have free will and actively choose someone everyone calls Birdman so I'm guessing the problems would be at least a 50/50 split.  

On the other hand, she said she's ready to start dating again...

 I'm looking forward to getting out there and dating.'

However, Braxton also admitted that she is nervous to get back out on the dating scene again.

'I mean, dating can be scary too. It can be a little bit,' she said before revealing the type of person she is looking to date next.

Of her ideal partner, she said they would be 'a nice guy, someone who will watch Lifetime with me all day long, at least once in the week.'

Hey I'm nice and I'll pretend to watch Lifetime, whatever that is. You'd be surprised at how much I can fake if it's for sex.

 !!!!SEXY UPDATE!!!!

Holy shit she's 57 years old!? 

 

Elizabeth Hurley NUDE

 Elizabeth Hurley was in the Maldives in a bikini, I guess just for a vacation. What she needs a vacation from I have no idea. And I know I complain about the endless bikini stories every week, but Elizabeth Hurley put on a bikini and really, it's unbelievable. And it's not like these are good pictures or something they're screen caps from a video posted on her Instagram. 

I just don't understand how a wealthy woman, that looks like that, who is at least on the surface smart and funny, and I would have to imagine at least mostly normal, is running around single. It's not as if I think a woman needs a man but there are just some things that make sense. Cats and dogs hate each other, 2+2=4, baby kangaroos get mistaken for giant mice, men and women go together, things like that

My secret hope is she's a giant whore that likes going to really perverted swingers parties, and shit like that and a dude would just get in the way. Believe me this fantasy goes on for many, many hours but I won't bore you with details. Unless you want me too

Sheree North is Here

 Do you remember Kramer's mom from Seinfeld? Because I bet you don't.

Candace Cameron Bure Struggles

 Candace Cameron Bure said she's struggled over her body. And then she posted a bikini picture on Instagram. If Candace is tired of struggling over her body I'd like to let her know that I'll be happy to struggle over her body for her if she needs a break

 

!!!SEXY UPDATE!!!!

HOLY SHIT THAT'S DJ TANNER FROM FULL HOUSE WTF

 

Kristen Stewart Does Stuff

 Someone said Kristen Stewart looked "edgy" and I think she does too. If their definition of edgy is a drug addicted prostitute in Louisiana you see getting arrested on LivePD. I don't know where she was or what she is doing because I don't care about doing this anymore.

If this is the last time I ever have to read about Kirstemn Stweart that would be absolutely fine with me

Jessica Alba Bikini Time NUDE

 

Jessica Alba is in the "news" again. This time in a bikini. She's hot and cute all at the same time which is extremely hard to pull off. I don't even think that's something you can manage to do on your own, I think it's just the way you're born. Plus she's well above (about to turn 44) my legal minimum age requirement of 35 so that's good too.

I'm not really sure what the cause is behind the sudden explosion of Jessica Alba stories, but they did call her "The Dark Angel star" even though I've never heard of that so maybe that has something to do with it? I don't know who her friend in blue is, maybe they mentioned it but I don't care, this whole story was totally pointless. Even more so than usual.

Tucker Carlson Isn't Cool

 I know virtually nothing about Tucker Carlson. I heard somewhere at one point that he was some kind of trust fund baby but I have no idea if that's true. You know who else is a trust fund baby? Julia Louis-Dreyfus. She was close to being a billionaire even before she was on Seinfeld. But she's hot and funny so I'll let it slide.

Well anyway, I guess I know what kind of car Tucker Carlson drives. A 1987 Chevy Silverado. And without even knowing him I can tell you he's not cool enough to own that truck.

 While getting gas for his new truck he said... 'All of a sudden at a gas station, it says, "Stop, we're downloading information from the internet,"' he claimed in during an interview with gearhead Casey Putsch.  'I sold the car immediately. I brought it back and sold it.'

 The disturbing claim follows reports of auto manufacturers sharing data with brokers and insurance companies. 

A New York Times investigation revealed that several major brands — including GM, Chevy’s parent company — were  tracking driver habits deemed unsafe.

Yeah of course they're doing that, the technology exists why wouldn't they? It probably won't reach the point where they're shutting off your car because you drive too fast yet, but I bet it happens within the next few years, and if you don't think we're headed that way you're an insane boot licker.

Amazon shut down some guys house because they didn't like something he said.  Which, as it turns out, he didn't even say.

 My home owners insurance threatened to drop me because there were some things they saw that they didn't like. Insurance my bank requires me to have. So I did them a favor and dropped them and went with someone else. But what if there was no one else?  

But you people are short sighted morons so you'll ignore this problem and call anyone that sees this as an issue a "conspiracy theorist" until it gets too big to fix and you're taking a two hour bus ride to work in a  government approved truck, and then you'll just blame republicans.  I've seen shit like this play out 100 times, I wasn't born yesterday you know.

 

Ben Affleck Goes Somewhere

 I hope Ben Affleck isn't as much of an asshole as I imagine he is. My asshole radar is usually pretty accurate though. My gay friend JD told me once that if you look at someone and "think" they might be gay, you're almost always right. So I'm assuming the same goes for assholes. 

Why do people talk about this guy so much? What was the last movie he was even in?

He was at CinemaCon in Las Vegas or somewhere with a bunch of other a-holes like Ryan Gosling and Andrew Garfield - whoever that is. Most of this story was about his beard. I didn't see any mention of Jennifer Lopez or Jennifer Garner, but who knows, maybe they're saving those breaking stories for Friday.

 

Neil Young is a Hobo

 Neil Young says he's worried he won't be allowed back in the US for some reason. Honestly I thought he'd be happy about that, what with all of the brain damaged retards he hangs around with that keep saying they'll leave the United States now that Donald Trump got re-elected

 When I go to play music in Europe, if I talk about Donald J. Trump, I may be one of those returning to America who is barred or put in jail to sleep on a cement floor with an aluminum blanket,' he wrote on his website on Tuesday

 He's a United States citizen. He can come and go as he pleases. Nothing's changed. Except I think he's back on Spotify, that's changed. 

Heart of Gold is EASILY one of my top ten favorite songs. He has a couple others that I really like a lot too, plus he's into model trains and shit like that. He sounds like a cool guy, I just wish he'd quit with the hysterics, you all sound like a bunch of drunk 70 year old women it's unbelievable.

Kylie Jenner Doesn't Know Shame

 I doubt very much that Kylie Jenner can be "humiliated" about anything. In public or otherwise. The full story is in Daily Mail+ and if you think I'd pay to read that Retard Bible you need your head examined. 

The Daily Mail is second only to Facebook for being the worst place on the internet and it's a close second. 99% of the time, I don't even read the stories beyond the headline, I usually just steal the pictures, it's almost totally unbearable.

Jessica Alba Brings Back Memories

Jessica Alba posted a bikini pic on her Instagram. She's terrible at taking selfies, but I am too so whatever. I haven't thought about Jessica Alba in years, and I remember when she was the original Jenna Ortega, or whoever is the newest "It Girl" now. And now that she's divorced from Johnny Cash or whoever she was married too I'll definitely think about her later.  

I have/had a friend that looks EXACTLY like Jessica Alba. TF are her initials. The resemblance is uncanny. I mean if you saw her in public you'd say "holy shit that's Jessica Alba" so when I see her (Jessica Alba) it does make me a little nostalgic for the "olde days".  We're still friends, albeit mostly through social media. These are all good stories right? Remind me to tell you about this one time I woke up in Indiana

Sydeny Sweeney is Single

 Good news everybody! Sydney Sweeney called off her wedding. She was getting married to some guy named Davino, or Devitto or DaVinci or something. Basically a stupid Italian. I don't know why she called it off, but I imagine she got sick of sitting around listening to him breath through his nose. The reasons aren't really all that important anyway, they never are and ultimately, it's the end result that counts.

By the way, I honestly don't know the real reason so my theory is probably true

At 27, she's slightly below my minimum age requirement, but from the little I've seen she seems super cool and every once in a great while you get a unicorn like that. They're literally probably 1 in 5 million if that, maybe 1 in 10 million. So rare in fact, I've maybe met four or five at the most over the course of my entire lifetime.

Either way you should call me back Syd (I call her Syd). The usual number

Nikki Glaser Gets Hot

 Nikki Glaser looks different now than she did in 2009. There's a lot more information here in the original story if you're interested because I'm not reading all of that.

I don't know why this is a story, but I guess she brought it up. There must've been rumblings about this on the idiot space (internet) so she's trying t get ahead of it by talking about plastic surgery etc...

 There's kind of a stigma around getting face work or investing in your beauty and doing all these procedures,' she explained. 'And there is maybe a little bit of a sadness to it, but I kind of also am like, "Well, it makes my life better."'

And then she delivered this truth bomb: 'People treat you better when you're hotter. It's just a fact. It's a sad fact of life.'

She's right. I've said it 100 times that I do not understand the objection to getting surgery to make yourself look better - as you perceive it - if you have the money. Do it. The technology exists. And I always said if I had the money so much of me would be fake you'd think I was a robot.

Okay and I won't lie to you and this much should be obvious but I think Nikki Glaser is smokin' hot. And honestly she could do whatever she wants. On a scale of one to 10 she's easily an eight. A neck tattoo would make her a 10 but maybe we can work on that.

There's just one problem. Niki Glaser is hot yes, but as she looks now, she's hot in a 20 year old sorority girl that spends every weekend at college basketball parties kind of way. I'd bet anyone that within the last 10 years, she's been to at least seven parties where she's worn a tiara. And if that's what she was going for that's fine, it's her life. I wish I could describe it better but there's my conundrum. Hot, but neither one of us would have anything to do with the each other. And she would be super snotty about it. At least that's the idea I'd get if I saw her in a jam packed bar where she was drinking green, lite beer and wearing a ton of beads around her neck. 

If it sounds like I have experience with this I do. I see these people all the time, stumbling down Fullerton Avenue and Clark Street all Summer long. Grow up Nikki.

Danica Patrick NUDE

 Danica Patrick posted a bikini selfie because that's what women do. Don't get me wrong I'm not complaining but imagine if dudes were constantly doing this. Posting constant pictures of themselves in their underwear. For all I know they do, you people are so friggin weird.

She's hot though isn't she? So this is okay, plus she's over 40 and races cars, or at least she used to race cars, I think she's mostly retired from that I know almost nothing about NASCAR. They drive fast in circles. That's all I know. I mean how much more perfect can you get. Unless she starts driving top fuel dragsters oh man. 

For a while I was worried I was going to get tricked like what happened with Jillian Michaels, but no, thankfully, it turns out everything is cool

 

Carolyn Murphy. 50 Year Old Super Model

They said Carolyn Murphy looked great at 50 years old. The only problem is, in which picture is she 50? I assume the one on the right since that one looks a lot less 1996. If she's 50 now she must've been 19 in the picture on the left. They also said she was a super model in the 90s but I'll have to take their word for that too.

See this is how you get older. Take care of yourself and watch what you eat over the course of your lifetime and you're still a babe no matter how old you get. Or of course you can do what most people do. Eat Taco Bell four nights a week and get that cleavage that starts at your neck and stretches so low it reaches out of frame in your selfies (for women) or grow a goatee and shave your head and wear black t-shirts that barely stretch over your beer gut when you guys go see that Poison cover band at Radishes Bar and Grill (for guys).

 

Brooks Nader Defies the Ages

 Someone wrote about Brooks Nader again. They keep calling her 29 despite the fact that she's clearly very obviously 40. The whole story centered around her going to dinner at Chateau Marmont in Hollywood on Saturday night which I didn't think movie stars did since the 1940s...

"Here's Clark Gable and Al Capone arriving at the Cateau Marmont for dinner in his Cord Boattail Speedster. Hopefully they can avoid a drunken Peter Lorre on this fine summer's eve"

Anyway, nobody is saying she's not a babe, I'm just saying she isn't 29 and I'm genuinely insulted that anyone would think we're stupid enough to believe that she is. And if she actually IS 29 (she isn't), just imagine what she'll look like when she really does turn 40. And that's just 11 short years from now. Poor girl.

Tom Holland is Dumb

 

Tom Holland is still walking around in a mask. 

In 2025. 

I just thought you'd like to know.

Katy Perry Gets Cancelled

Katy Perry might have to cancel at least part of her upcoming tour due to low ticket sales...

 The source said that the supposedly low ticket sales were 'starting to get very concerning, as we need those big dates to be full.'

Moreover, rumors are flying that 70% of tickets for a Minneapolis show and 60% of tickets for a Raleigh show are still available.

'We hope no concerts will be cancelled, as it would be a huge blow and disappointment,' asserted the insider.

You know why this is happening? No one cares. Katy Perry's first hit was in 2008, nearly 20 years ago. Most of these types of acts have a shelf life of 4-6 years. Tops. The fact that she managed to stay somewhat in the spotlight means nothing. I bet only a handful of people - even her "fans"-  can name more than two of her songs. Would you spend $400 per ticket to hear two songs? Obviously not. Frankly, aside from being good looking I don't even know how she managed to stay relevant this long.

Katy Perry is a Grrrl Power oldies act now. People born in 2008 are heading into their 20's anyone younger doesn't know who Katy Perry is. If she was smart she'd wait another 10 or 15 years and she can go on one of those nostalgia tours like Smashing Pumpkins or Green Day so people can relieve their youth like Gen X people do now. Plus her tits will probably still look good.

Eva Longoria is The Lady in Red

 It looks like today is Women Over 50 Day. Honestly can you blame me? Eva Longoria was at the Buena Vista Social Club but I have a feeling that's a movie or TV show she likes as opposed to an actual club. She wasn't in a bikini this time though so that's too bad. They did describe what she was wearing - a red dress and red shoes - so I guess that's something. 

She has a nice effortless smile doesn't she? I LOVE YOU EVA

KYLE RICHARDS NUDE BIKINI PICS

Kyle Richards put on a bikini then took some pictures and for that I'm glad. Kyle Richards is 56 years old. Did 56 year olds look like this 30 years ago? What I mean is, if you saw a 56 year old woman in 1995 would she look like this? Or more like Aunt Bea, because I was alive in 1995 and I think I would remember if they did.

I was even more shocked that I've written about Kyle Richards before. A lot more, with one story going back seven years. And I have absolutely no idea who she is. I see that I did mention a certain brand of "movies" at one point but I only scan the shit I write. She was doing something at some restaurant so I don't know how the bikini got involved but I only ever just skim these even less than I do my own past stories because I know you don't care and I for sure don't care.  

I will say I'm sorry if I was ever critical of you Kyle. Did I ever tell you I like girls in hats? Because I do. Give me a call and we'll play some shuffle board

Helen Hunt Looks Weird

 Helen Hunt looks weird now. That's her on the right. I think. Why does she look like that? Maybe she's taking steroids I hope she doesn't get too huge. Muscular women are hot up to a point, after that, it just becomes a weird sexual fetish thing. 

To be fair Helen Hunt and her droopy eyes was always kind of weird looking to me, so I don't really see the big deal. By the way that's her boyfriend. I didn't catch his name but he strikes me as a William. They look like a couple of Boomer Liberals if you ask me and believe me, that's one thing we don't need more of in Chicago

Jenny McCarthy NUDE

***For once I can actually show you Jenny McCarthy nude. Just click here (caution she's nude). 

Jenny McCarthy went to the iHeart Music Awards for reasons not known to me. Maybe because she's married to Donnie Wahlberg, but I thought he was basically just an actor at this point. Donnie Wahlberg was in The New Kids on the Block literally 40 years ago. Saying he's a musician now is like calling me a stunt man because I jumped off the garage roof with a towel tied around my neck when I was 12. 

They said she "looked super skinny" because she's taking Ozempic and seriously who gives a fuck about Ozempic anymore. Aside from the ever growing list of very serious side effects, what she or anyone else does to lose weight is their business. Quit being everyone's fucking nanny. Jenny McCarthy is 52 years old she's an adult.

I'm not defending her. I used to think Jenny McCarthy was cool, then I didn't, and now she seems kind of cool again. Cool as in okay, not cool as in cool. But she's from the Chicago area so she has a huge leg up on you people as far as coolness goes. Believe that

RITA ORA NUDE

 I've been writing about Rita Ora for years now and to this day I have absolutely no idea what she does. But she seems to like walking around mostly naked so here she is. Walking around mostly naked. I wouldn't recognize Rita Ora if she personally delivered a 24 karat pizza to my house but you people seem to like her. 

I think she's Australian and as far as I'm concerned only three things worth a damn have come out of Australia. AC/DC, Mad Max, and Olivia Newton-John. Otherwise they can keep they're freak ass giant shrimp and crocodiles and go straight to Hell

Kylie Jenner Red Sexbot NUDE

Kylie Jenner went somewhere this weekend dressed like a latex fetish model from the 1990s. I don't know where or why and I don't believe for a second that anybody outside of the UK actually gives a shit.

 I wish I didn't think she was so disgusting because she's hot as fuck. On the other hand, I'm way past the age where a woman being hot as fuck is the only thing I care about. I've had super hot girlfriends and when that's the only thing they are, that shit gets old way faster than you'd imagine. Take my word for it ladies, your tits become less fascinating after about two weeks. Three, tops.

Selena Gomez Sees Red

 Selena Gomez put on some black nylons to promote her fiance Benny Blanco's new single. I assume they mean music single and not single breakfast sandwich or something because who in the fuck is Benny Blanco. 

I hate to break this to Selena Gomez but I don't think of her as a "sultry siren", and I say that not because I'm important, but because I'm a fairly average man. You can ask me anything and my opinion will pretty much be what the majority of average every day dudes think. 

She seems very nice, and sweet and just doesn't give off that kind of vibe. At least not to me. Of course I know those are the types that really get nuts. I once dated a girl like that and underneath all that shy, unworldy innocence she was a fucking goddamn pervert. And if you think I'm saying that as a complaint you are totally wrong and haven't been reading this blog at all.

Jessica Simpson is On the Wagon (filled with booze)

Jessica Simpson "fans" were concerned because she appeared to be slurring her words. Of course she was, she's a drunk, at the very least.  I don't know why anyone would be concerned, she's a smokin' hot 44 year old with $200 million dollars in the bank. Especially since she's walking around in aviators dressed like she just walked out of a Dee-Lite video, or maybe as a prostitute in a 70's heist movie.  She's divorced now too I think which is even better

And you don't even really know her. See, that's the problem today, everybody is concerned with what everybody else is doing. Mind your own business. Walking around in a alcohol fueled haze is fun when you're 22,  but that's no way to spend the last 30 years of your life and I can definitely fix her. 

Anyway, she was on her way to the "South by Southwest Festival" for some reason although I don't know what they even do there anymore. Man she's hot though isn't she?

George Clooney Goes Brown

 George Clooney died his hair brown. They didn't say why, but maybe he's in another movie you won't see. I thought the gray hair looked good, I guess, I don't know I'm not a chick. I happen to like George Clooney, at least as much as a dude can like another dude that's a celebrity. He's in From Dusk Til Down which is one of my all time favorite movies, and I'll be really honest, I've seen some other George Clooney movies and they aren't exactly great so I have zero idea how he is still regarded as "A List" In fact I think the last one I saw him in was "Burn After Reading" from nearly 20 years ago (2008) and now that I think about it I'm not even sure he's actually in that. 

They all seem mildly okay and that's pretty much it. A movie you can watch while you do something else. But they don't make movies for me anymore, they make movies for people in China and other jungle countries where they let people out of the or sweatshop factory long enough to eat bats with rice and soup made out of leaves. Which is probably why if I buy a t-shirt online now, I have to order a XXL because they think anyone that's taller than 5'3 and weighs more than 101 pounds surely must be a two legged hippopotamus

They also insisted he's 63 years old. Look at that picture and then me in the face and tell me that isn't a 75 year old man. That's not a slam, I only hope to live to be at least 75 years old. I just won't walk around in white shoes and tan pants