Britney is Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs

 Huh. Imagine that. If only there was some kind of... I don't know... maybe something like hiring somebody or have someone from her family - like her dad - watch over her and her legal and financial affairs. Maybe something like a conservatorship. I wonder why they don't just do that

More proof that listening to people from the internet is a gigantic mistake. I really don't know how to make it any more clear. Easily 85% of the people on this thing are mentally retarded. And I mean that by the old school 1970s definition. Special classes and simple assembly jobs in a factory to keep their hands and minds occupied instead of handing them a computer that can have sweeping effects on civilization and people like you and me 

Bridget Fonda Loses Weight

 

Bridget Fonda is losing weight. Who cares, you might say to yourself and you'd be right. But I know how this happened. Bridget Fonda saw the pictures. I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm saying that because I've been there.

 Let me explain really quick.

 I don't remember exactly how old I was, but I was pretty young. Either still in high school or the few years after. If I remember, it was the first few years after. My friends called me "Bitch Tits" and "Fat Back" and stupid, teenaged, shit like that. It was from too much beer and shitty fast food etc. etc., you know the drill. The insidious thing is, you don't really notice it. You just think they're hassling you or whatever. I don't remember what triggered me to fix this problem - honestly I try to not think about it too much -  but I guarantee it was external. I think it was when I signed up for karate classes shortly before or just after my 18th birthday. I don't remember how it happened but that's a rough time frame. 

 Maybe I saw a reflection in the mirror, or maybe the instructor (Bill was his name) said something, honestly I don't remember, but it was like being hit by lightning and I think I vowed to fix the problem that I didn't even really know that I had. 

So that's how some people get into that kind of situation. I imagine it's a lot easier to wind up in a place where you're fat and lazy, and make no mistake, barring some medical condition that's what it is, and I know that because remember, I was there. And I imagine it's especially easy if you come from a world famous acting dynasty, have a bunch of yes men and people pleasers surrounding you along with a bunch of kids and have untold millions of dollars at your disposal. Will she ever go back to 25 year old Bridget Fonda? Maybe. Probably not, but she's only 61 so trying to get back to that can only do her a lot of good. Not only for her health but for how she sees herself. Trust me. I know.

Jessica Simpson Wears the Hat in the Family

 

I'm only writing about Jessica Simpson again because I love girls in cowboy hats and I have no idea why. Most any hat really, I know it's kind of weird. Also I LOVE that 1940's net thing. You know what I mean? You see it in old movies where some lady who's in mourning or at a funeral or something is wearing one. It was connected to their hat somehow? I don't know but I'm sure you know what I'm talkig about if you aren't 13 years old. I can't explain it, it's probably something sexual, it usually is.

This was connected to a story about how she grew up poor because her dad only made $30,000 a year. Oh the horror. Can you imagine?  Just $30,000 a year? For shame. And this is when she was little so what, 1991? 1995?  Actually $30,000 in 1995 was not that bad. You couldn't retire on it or anything but you could also buy a decent used car in 1995 for $2000. 

 And trust me. Jessica Simpson is from Texas and she's hot enough that she was never going to have to worry about money, whether or not she became famous. Listen, let's face it. It may not be fair but hot blondes with porn star bods and big boobs are seldom seen starving in the street. And if you see one let me know because I'd like to help

 

Kristen Bell is Mean and NAKED

 

Kristen Bell said something kind of stupid on social media. What a surprise. She wrote this under a photograph of her husband on Instagram that she posted for their anniversary...

'Happy 12th wedding anniversary to the man who once said to me: "I would never kill you. A lot of men have killed their wives at a certain point. Even though I'm heavily incentivized to kill you, I never would.'

 Social media is a plague in humanity and will usher in a new Dark Age where everyone will suffer and the nitwits in Europe that are drunk by 4:30 pm and foreign teenagers living in countries where they shit in a hole in the floor of their dining room and eat rice with their hands aren't happy about what she said.

  Was it a stupid thing to say? I don't know, I'm not the word police and Instagram has far surpassed 4Chan as the absolute worst place on the internet so I would never use Instagram as a measuring stick for anything.

 In terms of drag racing, Instagram is a 10,000 horsepower rear engine dragster, and 4Chan is a Bugatti Veyron. They're both fast but in a drag race it's not a contest. The dragster wins every time. 

I have an idea, it'll be 2026 in a couple of months, if you have intermittent electricity or no indoor plumbing where you live, maybe get off of Instagram and start fixing some of that shit before you get mad at what some person that doesn't even know you're alive says. Especially if your power will suddenly go out during the summer monsoons.  

 I'm not protecting Kristen Bell. She'll never see this, and she doesn't know I'm a person on Earth. I'm just really starting to hate social media, but I've always loved Kristen Bell so she can say whatever she wants to me, and the dirtier the better. I still don't understand how or when she morphed into "Everyone's favorite housewife" so that's kind of super weird to me, but we can work through this together.

Scarlett Johansson Sex Toys

I was going to write about Scarlett Johanssen or however the fuck you spell her name but I decided against it because no one gives a shit. Here she is getting an award for something that looks like a giant sex toy you might see in porno movies or1970s horror snuff films. 

Good job Scarlet, I hope you enjoy your award for "Slowly Turning into a Hot Target Employee"

Sexy Site Update

 Sorry, I know I keep blowing this off, and the posts are mostly hit or miss but it's not you it's me. Well, it's mostly you. You don't read this enough for me to keep writing two or three stories a day. You think that's easy? Actually it is but it's time consuming and I'd much rather look at pictures of hot naked girls on the internet than write stories about what Sabrina Carpenter was wearing to the movies for the eighth time. So really if you think about it, me not being here is pretty much all your fault. 

 Speaking of hot naked girls, that Jennifer Aniston picture was attached to a story about her not having kids, or wanting kids or telling people to have kids or some shit who knows. I don't know how much of that picture is photo shopped (some at least) and frankly I don't care. She's fucking hot pretty much no matter what

I promise I'm looking for stuff to write about 

Sami Sheen is Back

 I know I said I wasn't going to write about Sami Sheen anymore (daughter of Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen), but I saw that picture and well... I kind of feel like I'm being forced. And can you blame me?

It was attached to a story about her discussing all the plastic surgeries she had done and frankly, I didn't bother reading the list because I just assume she looked at the plastic surgery menu and just said "Yes". I'm guessing if you can get it done, she's had it done. But here's the problem with that. They listed her age as 21. That is not a 21 year old woman. Unless she had the "Age Reversing Minus 15" procedure because that woman is 35. 

I've made my position on "cosmetic enhancements" of any kind and a person's chronological age abundantly clear. If you have the money and you want to do it, do it. I can't think of any reason to not improve yourself as you may see fit. But why would you if it ages you 10-12 years? You have to think ahead a little bit and 10 years sounds like a lot but it's not. 10 years goes by in the blink of an eye. Just think about where you were 10 years ago. High School? College? It seems like yesterday doesn't it? It wasn't. It was 10 years ago.

 And some people lately are objecting to pink/purple/green hair but I still dig it man. And so for the time being Sami Sheen is back and believe me. I'm watching for her (because she's 35 now). 

Linda Evangelista is Fashionably Nude

 Linda Evangelista turned 60 at some point and then flew to Paris for what appears to be yet another "fashion week".  How many of these fucking things do they need? You buy a shirt or some pants and move on with your life, who could possibly give a fuck about any of this? It's just totally baffling to me. 

Anyway, I only mentioned her age because the original story mentioned her age because you people seem to be obsessed with how old people are which seems like a really weird thing to me.  But she's 60 now and still looks good. If you don't know who Linda Evangelista is, she was a super model in the late 80s early 90s. You know, Cindy Crawford, Claudia Schiffer etc., etc. 

They were absolutely everywhere on everything doing everything. They were like a rash, and you couldn't get away from them. And this was all pre-internet so you can't imagine how bad it was. But now she's older and looks like a drug dealing villainess from a James Bond movie which, I'll be honest, that's about as hot as anything I can imagine  

Have fun at fashion week, get me a new Social Distortion t-shirt would you? 

Margot Robbie NUDE

The original headline for this original story was something along the lines of "Margot Robbie Discusses Shock Health Confession"

  This is what she's talking about...

 "Margot Robbie has opened up about experiencing imposter syndrome in Hollywood, fearing her film career could be 'taken away' at any moment."

 Yep. "Impostor syndrome".  And I'm still not convinced that's even a real thing. 

That was the big shocking health diagnosis. 

The internet has gotten so bad that straight up lies are now used to get people to click on stories. Much like the "WHICHEVER CELEBRITY NUDE" headlines I use to trick people that are Googling those words to click on my stories. The writers/website don't even pretend to be even remotely accurate anymore. A few years ago, a headline that was only kind of misleading or maybe that had some words that were taken out of context a little was good enough to get people to excitedly click the story.

But now? They just straight up lie. They could have just as easily said "Margot Robbie Adopts a Pet Zebra" and been just as accurate in their reporting.

I've already written about Margot Robbie a bunch of times. And looking back now most of them aren't good. Which seems odd considering how hot she is. Maybe it's because she's Australian.

I saw Once Upon a Time in Hollywood but that's about it. I never saw Wolf of Wall Street, I'll never watch Barbie, and she'll never be as hot as Jaime Pressly.  

I looked for five minutes for a picture to use in the header and they all - basically every single one of them - looked exactly like really good high school yearbook photos. I don't know what that means but it seems like it wouldn't be a good thing. It feels fake. Just like the headline they used to get you to read about her

 

 

 

 

 

Teri Hatcher has Spectacular Boobs

 Teri Hatcher was in Africa for reasons that aren't clear to me where she was walking in what I can only assume was crocodile infested water daring wild animals to eat her. That's the only thing I see happening here. 

I also see that Teri Hatcher's boobs are spectacular. If you don't understand this you shouldn't be reading my blog.

Margarida Circeiro (Almost) NUDE!!

 Lando Norris has a girlfriend. I've never heard of him before but I know who his girlfriend is now. Her name is Magui (Margarida) Corceiro. She's 22 (!?) years old and is 5 foot five and a half inches tall. She also speaks Portuguese and English and    Here is her Instagram.  Sorry I don't know too much about her. She does look like a younger version of Sydney Sweeney which is kind of weird since Sydney Sweeney "claims" to be 28 years old so Sydney better hustle it up because the fame clock is apparently ticking. 

 It would be exceptionally rare - almost unheard of in fact - for me to be attracted to someone that was in junior high 10 years ago, but you can see the pictures with your own eyes. But every once in a while one of these unicorns walks out of the forest and straight into my heart. The world is a crazy place sometimes. 

By the way Lando Norris is some F1 driver yadda yadda who cares.

TAYLOR SWIFT NUDE

 "Legendary numerologist"? You people can't possibly be this dumb. I was about to unleash a "legendary" torrent of abuse upon you but then I realized anyone that believes in numerology likely can't read so it would have been a wasted effort. Are you living in the 1500s? What next, turning lead into gold? Throwing rocks at the Moon? 

Cameron Diaz Funks Out

 They said Cameron Diaz "looked worlds away from her Hollywood heyday" and she does. Also she's 53 years old now so she probably looks a little different from when she was a 22 year old, basically just out of high school woman in The Mask 31 years ago. She still looks fine, although I never found her all that attractive personally. It happens. Not everyone thinks everyone is attractive. I didn't like Pamela Anderson all that much, even when she was - at least according to others - literally hotter than the sun. Charlize Theron is another one. I can tell she's physically attractive because I have eyes, but... nothing. I'm not sure why, but it happens. Some people get designated "CURRENT HOT CHICK" and it just sticks with them despite what I think about it (I'm looking straight at you Emma Stone).

For example. Not everyone thinks I'm handsome. Of course, they're wrong, but it's still a free country. Except for California, the North Eastern chunk of Illinois and big parts of Michigan, but that'll all change as soon as I'm the one calling the shots. Bet on it

Jessica Simpson Attacks!

 

Jessica Simpson said she wants her dress "pulled off" for sex. I mean... if you insist...

 Now separated from her husband of 10 years, former NFL player Eric Johnson (they announced their split in January) and ready to date again, the collection also has pieces for date night. Asked what she’d pull from the line, she laughs, “Well, hopefully things will be pulled off. Just kidding! A leopard-print dress, definitely heels, the Aaminas (her strappy platform sandals). I just called to get them in red,” she adds.

I don't want to be gross two seconds after I come back after blowing this off for two weeks, but you know what else is super fun? Leaving it on too. You know, like maybe in the car. Or also, in the park.  At night. Of course all of these are just suggestions, and believe me, I have a ton more.

 If you're interested Jessica, and you have a spare hour or two I have it all written down, you can just let me know 

Chrissy Teigen is Awful Part Multi-Deaux

 

The Daily Mail is still writing about Chrissy Teigen. In this fascinating story she talks about how she makes her husband get up in the middle of the night to get her food.  

Chrissy Teigen is a drunken mean girl bully that urged a teenager repeatedly to take her  own life. She also called me an asshole on Twitter but this isn't about me. I've written about Chrissy Teigen a surprising number of times but I haven't really seen her around all that much. Maybe she and her "husband" spend all their time counting the money he makes from various Christmas themed albums so my plan is to never write about her again. We're quickly hurtling towards 2026 so there is no reason to pretend anyone cares about this woman anymore.

 

Sharon Stone Wants to Eat Your Dog

 

Sharon Stone wore a bikini and then whoever wrote a story about it decided to use a picture of her looking insane instead. Sharon Stone was one of the most attractive female humans alive and then I found out she thinks like a 16 year old high school boy in the replies on an Instagram post. Of course she is nearly 70 years old so I guess you have to cut her a little slack

  But seriously, if you want to be taken seriously stop using arguments you find online from 2008. The whole world changes at the speed of light now, don't be left behind

 

!!!Sexy Update!!!

I lost the original story I was going to link with pictures of her in the aforementioned bikini when I closed it.and I'm not looking for it again. Trust me, you didn't miss much and I'm sure they'll fill the void with Jenna Ortega in a bikini or maybe whoever is the new flavor of the month so be sure to check back here!

 

Don Johnson for the Ladies

 

Don Johnson was at some gala or event or something because that's all these people do. It had something to do with school, or scholars or who knows what the hell. They also mentioned that he was there with his wife Kelley who they called "56" like I'm an idiot. That woman is 56 years old about as much as I'm The Sultan of Brunei. 

You mean to tell me that, that person is one year older than Jennifer Aniston and four years younger than Elizabeth Hurley? Please. Don Johnson seems cool enough I guess, I don't know. And I have no issues with age gaps, how young or old someone is or looks, or anything involving someone's personal life and details. Those kinds of things concern people with tiny minds, my problem is the lying. I guess they don't mind lying to you because you're stupid and they know it.

Denise Richards is Hot

 

Denise Richards showed off her new boobs. Well, kind of showed off. I guess one of her original ones ruptured, probably during a pillow fight, so she had them fixed, and then decided you needed to see them, and thus we have arrived here. 

Denise Richards is hot for being 54 years old. I hate that qualifier because let's face it Denise Richards has always been hot. If you're 54 right now and have never been hot, you're not going to be now. Sorry to break that to you. Looking good past 45 requires planning and a lifetime of diet and exercise you didn't bother doing. Instead you opted for riding on the back of your overweight husband's full dress Harley while you both wear Crocs,while blasting Led Zeppelin on your way to that local bar with the umbrella tables on the patio where everyone plays bag games. You think I don't know? You're like the 40th couple I'll see that looks like that in Chicago just this week  

 That's why people say things like "She looks good for 54". It's because they never really looked good so they say that like being hot at 54 is a bad thing. It's mostly a female thing because nobody hates women more than other women so there's always those kind of backhanded compliments, as in "Wow you look great even though you put on some weight" or "That top looks nice it really hides all of your scars". Jesus Christ being a woman must be fucking exhausting 

True story. I owned a business and all of the employees were women between the ages of 21 and 30 and it nearly drove me quite literally to have a nervous breakdown. It's a slow Chinese water torture kind of existence. With all that constant stress, I have no idea how women manage to live longer than men.  

 

Kristin Cavallari Works on Her Sex Life

 Kristin Cavallari is in the news again and this time it's for something other than talking about who she had sex with. At least for now. She was in Las Vegas with a "boy band" and apparently it's made up of a bunch of 45 year old dudes. She's almost 40 now so they're definitely in her age group. Maybe she had sex with all of them so she can talk about it on the next "We're Boring" podcast. 

Guys, I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. You don't seriously care what these a-holes do, do you?  I've been doing this in one form or another for like 15 years now at some point... Maybe I'm just in a mood.


SEXY UPDATE!!!

 I guess that's The Backstreet Boys? Like are you fucking serious? It's nice to see the person in charge of their costumes thinks they're making a low budget science fiction movie in 1982.

Cash Warren is a Playboy

Jessica Alba's ex, Cash Warren has a new 26 year old girlfriend. I had to close my browser before I caught her name so I'll just call her Heatherleigh, which seems as likely as anything. She's obviously easily manipulated because she believes Cash Warren is famous for something besides being married to Jessica Alba. And Heatherleigh up there is in for a rude awakening once Cash's spousal support runs out. He won't even be able to buy new chain wallets, he sure isn't going to pay for your Porsche sweetie. 

Still, she's obviously very attractive so I can't really blame the guy.  I mean if I was in his position I'd be dating her too. I've made my position on "age gaps" very clear, but unfortunately for me I wouldn't even know where to meet a 26 year old woman. Will she be in line to see Santa Claus? Shoplifting bracelets from Claire's? It's just one of life's unanswerable mysteries 

 

Brittany Cartwright is Someone

 Brittany Cartwright has a new boyfriend, and if you don't know who she is congratulations, you're normal. I didn't catch his name, because I didn't bother reading the story, but just looking t him I assume it's either Dax, Colton, or Luke. 

They didn't say what they were doing, but if you asked me I'd guess they stopped to collect her "Shittiest New Artist Award" before being the oldest couple in the shopping mall parking lot in their used Nissan GTR to hang out with all the Fast and Furious kids in lime green Honda Civics 

Eva Longoria NUDE BIKINI PICS. Again

Take my word for it, I didn't want to write yet another story about Eva Longoria in a bikini at the beach again,  but you people sure do like to click on them. 

And what exactly does Eva Longoria do that she has an estimated net worth of $80 million dollars? The only thing I ever see get talked about with her is when she's walking around Spain in a bikini. Can you make $80 million dollars doing that?  I assume you can because no one ever mentions her new movies or television shows. 

And let's be real here. Eva Longoria is hot yes, but she's in Spain. Have you ever seen the women in Spain? They say the ladies are insane there, and they sure know how to use it. They don't abuse it. Never gonna lose it. I can't refuse it.

Anyway, you have seen the women from Spain and I bet you don't even know it. My friend Adrian from Mexico said all those Mexican telenovela /soap opera women and those weather girls you see all over the internet all the time aren't actually Mexican, they're Spanish. So in Spain on a scale of 1-10, Eva Longoria is essentially a five. This doesn't change my love for her it's just a reality check. For both of us. You have competition with me now Eva, I'm just saying

 

 

Patricia Arquette Gets Short

 Patricia Arquette cut off all of her hair. I don't know why she did this or why it was considered news, but she did and here it is. I bet she cut it all off so she could play that mean girl's gym teacher in the Porky's remake. I realize everybody gets older but this doesn't even look like the same human being.  And keep in mind she's nearly six years younger than Elizabeth Hurley.

Like William Shatner, maybe they change so much as they age because of the deal they made with Satan to become famous it's really the only logical explanation

Rebekah Vardy NUDE

 Rebekah Vardy put on a bikini and took a picture of herself. Yawn. In case you don't know who Rebekah Vardy is, she's the one in the bikini, duh. I think she's British so I have to assume she's married to a soccer player, and was on vacation in Greece, because that seems to be the only things British people do. That and get falling down drunk in Manchester. 

I hate living in an era when some woman with nice tits can wear a bikini and I have to write about it but I guess I did this to myself. 

Miley Cyrus NUDE

That "Miley Cyrus Nude" title wasn't actually my idea, that was the title of the story where I stole this picture. She actually was nude - kind of- but she was covering her boobs with her arm so she was only nude in the technical sense, and I actually liked the picture of her dressed up like a Deliverance Alice in Wonderland better than the nude one. 

With her hillbilly overbite and narrow, close set eye sockets, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if Miley Cyrus spent her days in the kitchen holding a baby on her hip, stirring some possum grits while her husband was sitting on the front porch in a rockin' chair feudin' shootin' with some still owner beyond the holler but you guys seem to like her. For some baffling reason. 

More Eva Longoria Bikini Pics

Eva Longoria wore a bikini while shopping on a "family getaway" in Spain which is a weird way of saying someone is buying things in a place where they live. She lives in Spain so I don't know why they keep saying that like she's just on an extended vacation. Honestly aside from the fact that she's smokin' hot I don't know why she gets written about so much. Who does she pay for this kind of almost non-stop coverage?  Is being hot enough?  How many paparazzi photographers are running around in Spain looking for Eva Longoria? 

Also what the Hell is she shopping for. Whatever she's holding looks exactly like the kind of thing you'd buy in Spain since I can't think of one thing Spain produces besides Spaniards, olives, and the $1 plastic crap Europeans are constantly waving during soccer games 

Also there's something wrong with the way the site is formatting these paragraphs so I'll just end it here since no one reads this crap anyway.  I love you Eva.

Padma Lakshmi Smokes

 Padma Lakshmi put on a bikini and no one mentioned why but honestly she doesn't need a reason. She's 54 years old, why do Gen X people look so good so deep into their 50s and even 60s. Is it something in the water? Maybe it's all that drinking from a garden hose and playing with Jarts I don't know.  She doesn't look 25 but frankly she looks better than a 25 year old. 

Give me a break,  how many 25 year olds even look like that? I see 25 year olds in the gym every day and I promise you NONE of them look like that. 

Personally I think anyone over 40 looks better with shorter hair because long hair on women is for 9 year olds that want to play princess tea party or religious lunatics, but I'm pretty sure I could deal with her choice.

 

 

Modern Family NUDES

 Ty Burrell talked about why he left Hollywood for Utah when Modern Family went off the air. "To raise my family" he said. Okay? Happy now? 

This show went off the air six years ago. If it wasn't for Julie Bowen and Sofia Vergara nobody would give a fuck. I didn't even know that guy's real name until I wrote this. Get a life. This is why the world is in the state it's in. You people spend all your time talking about middling television shows that went off the air, five, ten sometimes even 20 years ago. 

I get it if you enjoy stuff because it's kind of cheesy like Mannix or Barnaby Jones, or The Love Boat or something but otherwise this was just some prime time sitcom. Here's an idea. Go for a walk. It doesn't have to be far start out by going to the corner and back. Look at a bird, maybe pet your neighbor's dog, because I promise. They're never going to stop making shitty television shows and they're all pretty much the same. You think Modern Family is the first - or last - sitcom that's going to make jokes about having kids? It wasn't and it's not going to be.

Michael Biehn Gets Hosed

 Someone took a picture of Michael Biehn and said he was "unrecognizable" and they're right. I wouldn't have known who that was. Mostly because I swear to God I thought he died 10 years ago for some reason. I'm not trying to be mean but so help me I was told he died so I wouldn't have thought to ever pay attention for him. I guess that's the Mandela Effect I don't know.

They didn't mention what he was doing but judging by the stuff in the background I'd say he was at Home Depot or Lowe's and he has one of those garden hoses that shrink when you turn off the water and those things are total garbage. I bought and returned three of them before I learned my lesson. They tear, they leak, they don't last more than a couple of months at best. I had one that was fine until I turned on the water. I took it out of it's box, hooked it up, turned it on and it immediately sprung a leak. So I bought it, hooked it up and returned it all within a span of about 90 minutes. Meanwhile I bought one of those old school green rubber hoses like everyone had in the 1970s three or four years ago and just leave it outside all year 'round and it's been absolutely fine. 

I don't know maybe he's a millionaire because those things aren't exactly free and maybe he just doesn't care. I'm glad you're still alive Mike. You're on your own with the hose thing though.

 

Site Update

 ATTENTION ATTENTION ATTENTION

I have stuff pre-written for tomorrow because I'm working at a job where I won't have much access to a PC or even my phone so everyone needs to come visit tomorrow! It'll be fun!! Or don't. Really at this point I've been doing those for so long in one form or another I honestly don't care anymore. I feel like one of those guys in WWII that's seen one too many battles so in a way, I'm very much a hero

Kristen Stewart is Different

 They said Kristen Stewart "doesn't look like this anymore" (Left photo) and then posted a picture of two people and either one of them could be Kristen Stewart so I guess they're correct since I have zero idea which one she is.

I also think Kristen Stewart is probably a nice person but who gives a fuck about her anymore. Kristen Stewart hasn't been in a movie or anything else that I've been aware for what has to be 15 years at least and there MUST be a reason for that. The only time I even remember Kristen Stewart is when The Daily Mail writes about her. Then 10 minutes later I forget again
 

She's white, she's female, she's gay... she seems ideal by Hollywood standards so if she isn't working she's either retired, or kills kittens in her spare time and nobody wants to be connected with that

So which is it Kristen?

Christina Aguilera Haunts London

Somebody rubbed a haunted scarab after they opened a secret tomb in Egypt and Christina Aguilera crawled out and flew to London. Why, you ask? It was for some play, or musical about burlesque or Chicago or some other dumb thing literally nobody knows or cares about.

I was going to say she kind of looks like Linnea Quigley in Night of the Demons but even with her demon face Linnea Quigley is hot as fuck.  This isn't the clip I wanted to post but even this one was kind of hard to find so I hope you watch it. And if you stumble on the clip I was looking for let me know. How will you know? Oh you'll know.  

Kendra Wilkinson is a Lesbian Now

 Sexy update number 2!!!

A lot of this seems mean even for me. I must've been in a really bad mood  that day

 

Okay so maybe she isn't technically a lesbian but she is done with men... 

Kendra made the comments in a new Instagram post: 'I appreciate all the love and support,' began her message on Insta Stories.'I don't have interest in men at the moment. Just work. Thank you for supporting my business,'

If she can't find a man, maybe she should check under the biscuits and gravy at the breakfast buffet. She's 40 why would you do this to yourself. My friends hit their 40s and instantly started looking like Santa Claus, I just don't get it, but it seems to be a common theme. 

And don't say I'm being mean the ONLY reason we even know who she is is because she was fucking hot and looked awesome naked.  

I'm not saying I'M anything special but Jesus Christ, go for a walk or something. In this day and age if you do even the bare minimum you might live to be 100 years old, but if you need a mobility scooter to go to WalMart you can forget that

 And no I'm not at all suggesting she's fat at all at that point but she is 40 now and getting in shape after 40 is 20 times harder than it was when you were 22. But you get OUT of shape 30 times faster too. Not me though I'll look good forever

Jennifer Lopez is Done for Me

I don't want to write about Jennifer Lopez. I had a story idea saved, but it's 2025 now and seriously, who gives a shit about her anymore. 

You're 55 years old now, take your $400 million and rescue animals or something why do you want to keep showing up at these "events".  What could be the appeal for people doing this long after their "careers" have ended. Think about it, what's the last thing you remember about Jennifer Lopez. I just do not get it.  

There are people alive today that already basically don't know who you she is aside from the fact that she was married to Ben Affleck. And nobody really even remembers him now either. Go. Be gone.

Happy Birthday Jessica Simpson

SEXY UPDATE!!!

the following three stories were actually written many days ago and then some personal events took place. Sorry. Nothing I write here is ever really important anyway so read them or don't. I'm not your mother
 

 Jessica Simpson turned 45 (!) on July 10th and she's still hot as fuck. I don't want to say she's perfect, physically at least, but she's pretty close, even without all the filters, photo shop and black &white BS she used on her Instagram.  

Just imagine how hot you'd look if you quit all the drinking and the pills you chug like they're going to make them illegal on Monday.

!!!SHOCKING!!! Simone Biles is a Bully

 

Simone Biles is a bully and for proof somebody named MyKayla Skinner spilled the beans...

Well, throughout my career, there have been many times when I have been belittled and bullied by Simone and have wanted to keep quiet for the other athletes,' she told Fox.

And there have been multiple times through my Olympic journey and through camps, training, everything that we have gone through where she has come and belittled all of us. I’ve wanted to stay silent through this because she has a huge platform.

Anybody that's surprised that a (formerly) teenaged Olympic gymnast/cheerleader is an arrogant, bullying shit-head really needs to get out more.  You're really surprised to hear this? This comes as shocking news to you? You can tell she's a Mean Girl just by looking at her.

Europe Sucks

 Imagine caring about this. This... THIS, is what your European "betters" care about. An ex-soccer player and a woman that was in a make believe girl group 31 years ago. They'll click on a story like this in the "pub" while they throw darts and talk about werewolves and then make fun of Americans for being awesome. Enjoy your pretend "free" healthcare while you pay a 40-45% tax rate on income over £100,000 which in America is just a  little more than the salary of the garbage man

Bianca Censori is a (Fame) Whore

 Kanye West's "wife", Bianca Censori went for a spa day and of course she did it while she was dressed like she was going to a deadmau5 or Skrillex show in 2013. Why? Who knows. Who knows why do these people do anything. Just imaging being this desperate for attention and to be famous. I will never, ever understand it. Not in a million years

JoJo Siwa Bombs Out

 JoJo Siwa is "postponing" (canceling) all of her US tour dates after she was dropped from her record label. So if you actually know who JoJo Siwa is, and were planning to see her in concert I guess you better find something else to do that night.

It seems however, that she's still doing shows in Europe but have you ever actually talked to a European? Those fucking people will watch anything I have no idea what their deal is. If you need proof of my last statement, JoJo Siwa is touring there.

Sabrina Carpenter NUDE

 

 Some people are complaining that Sabrina Carpenter is oversexualizing her appearance which she denied by appearing on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine on her knees in nothing but white nylons. 

Of course she's over-sexualized. She's a talentless artist that makes terrible music for teenagers, and 20 somethings with brain damage. As far as I know she really only has one hit song that anyone even knows. 

She's basically the far less attractive, much shorter, chubbier, even less talented version of Dua Lipa if you can believe it.

 

Sofia Vergara NUDE

 Sofia Vergara shared a picture of herself in an OLD Dolce & Gabbana photo shoot on her Instagram, and I was wondering why she looked so filtered. I was tricked at first because I didn't realize Dolce & Gabbana was still a thing after (this description redacted). 

C'mon now, look at that picture and explain to me why she's the only one that looks like a cartoon character. 

And I'm not even saying she needs a filter, I mean, have you ever seen Sofia Vergara? It was just the first thing I noticed. And don't tell me you don't see it. They don't mention how old the ad is, but she's 52 as difficult as that may be to believe. Most 52 year olds I know have two feet of cleavage that starts at their chin and those weird jeans that somehow fit a 28 inch waste but cover an ass that's the size of a putting green. How does that work? How do they even put them on. That's so weird.

Eva Longoria NUDE in Spain

 Eva Longoria wore a bathing suit to the beach in Spain. She also had some things to say about Donald Trump, which I didn't actually bother to read because I don't have to, I know exactly what she said. I've been listening to you people bitch about Donald Trump for 10 years so you aren't exactly breaking new ground with me here. 

At this point it's like falling asleep with the TV on and you hear the droning noise in your head subconsciously, and it mixes in with your dreams like one minute you're asleep and the next second your riding in a flying Orient Express and President Eisenhower starts firing canons at battleships or something.  You're actually worse than the guy that spends all day calling a classic rock station and once he finally gets through he requests Black Dog by Led Zeppelin

Kristin Cavallari SEX TAPE

Kristin Cavallari is talking about having sex. Again. What a boring woman. This seems to be the only thing she ever talks about. Kristin Cavallari is what I imagine Nikki Glaser is like in real life when she isn't doing her "comedy". In fact I don't think Nikki Glaser's comedy is really all that different from whatever sex thing Kristen Cavallari is talking about today. Blow jobs? Hand jobs in the bathroom? You know, real cutting edge stuff. Have you ever seen these two in the same room? Nope. And if you did they'd probably try to suck every guy in there off so they could have a good story to tell later on, you know, since neither one of them seems to ever talk about anything else.

You people really need to start demanding more from these a-holes because this shit is like watching paint dry 

Bethenny Frankel NUDE

 The Daily Mail still writes about Bethenny Frankel and it wants you to know how exactly "the 54-year-old achieves her enviable physique", but I can tell you so you don't have to read 1000 words about it. Ready? 

Diet and exercise. 

Obsessive diet and exercise. And probably Ozempic too. You can tell by her skeleton like face. In fact she'd probably look 44 if not for the Ozempic Face. That could just be her face though, honestly I don't know.

Women (and men) that look like that at 54 - or 34, or 44 - live to look like that. Mostly. About 0.5% of the population are lucky enough to look like that naturally but most people that look like that literally spend their days and nights obsessed with food and the gym. It's a way of life and is like a full time job. I know because I used to be that person. And in some ways I still am. It's actually a sickness. But it's no way to live unless you're planning on being in a major movie or walking a Sports Illustrated runway or making content for Only Fans where a lot of people are going to see you naked or something.

People like this consider it a treat to eat one almond with peanut butter on it.  And no I am not joking. They're running on treadmills and working out six times a week. Sometimes twice a day. They measure their food with teaspoons and little scales. If looking like that is your job I can understand. And I guess it's her job but I don't know why. 

She looks good no doubt, but don't go down this road. Just be reasonable about your food and what you do. Trust me that's good enough, especially since less than 99.9999999% of the population will never see you naked. Especially if you get a stupid judge like I did

Gracie McGraw LESBIAN!

 Tim McGraw's daughter Gracie came out as "queer". You know, in case you wanted to know. And so now you do. Has your day been made better? I hope so, because it really made mine just a little more sunny. You know, to find out someone I didn't know existed 10 minutes ago is gay. Congratulations on your sexual orientation Gracie McGraw. Actually nobody cares. Just so you know

Miley Cyrus Can't Tour Nude

 Miley Cyrus has a "medical condition" that keeps her from touring. It's some kind of polyp but seriously, no one gives a shit. If you want to know what it is exactly just click here. Once you find out, if you think you want to let me know, just send me an email with the answer and I'll fly to your house and fill your car's gas tank with Great Stuff expanding construction foam. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I can't fathom the seemingly endless fascination you people seem to have with this woman. I just do not get it.

Dua Lipa is Very Hot.

 Dua Lipa is extremely hot, there's no doubt about it, and she was in France dressed like a stripper to prove it. In fact, if I had to build a woman in my garage, honestly it would probably look like her. But for baffling reasons I will never understand, people pay money that they worked for to see her in concert on what seems to be a never ending world tour because I've been hearing about her tour for what seems like the last three years. And while I have to admit I've never heard more than 10 seconds of any of her "music" I don't have too. I know exactly what it sounds like just by looking at her and the people that buy tickets to these shows. This isn't my first day alive on Earth you know.

Miley Cyrus is Stepping Out

 They wrote about Miley Cyrus walking to her car. Imagine caring about this. Someone's job, that they got paid money for, was to take a picture of a middling performer walking to her car. How would they even know where Miley Cyrus is at any given time. They then went into great detail describing what she was wearing. A tank top and black pants.

I've always said Miley Cyrus was very hot in a sort of white trash, last call, dive bar kind of way, but so what. I've known plenty of hot, white trash, dive bar girls and I wouldn't have bought any of their albums or paid hundreds of dollars for tickets to their concerts. I just do not understand what makes Miley Cyrus any different. Oh wait, I know what it is. You people are stupid and have awful taste in music

Brooks Nader LESBIAN NUDES

 After breaking up with her last boyfriend, Whatsisface Whatevername, Brooks Nader is "thinking" about being gay. But she's also still claiming to be 28 years old. That woman is 40 if she's a day.

 

When asked about the qualities she is looking for next in her 'Mr. Right,' Nader responded: 'Honestly I don't even know. Maybe it's mister, maybe it's missus. I don't even know. Who knows? My sister keeps telling me I got to switch teams.'She continued: 'She's, like, over me with the guys. Who knows? I'm 28 and I've been married only so I'm like, "We'll see what happens." I'm open to whatevs but I'm not looking for any kind of a partner right now.'

Every one is gay now. I don't know why but that's the time we live in I guess. And lucky for her it's just in time for Pride Month. What a coincidence. 

And I don't know why she keeps getting written about all the time all of the sudden but she is. And don't forget, Amber Heard was supposedly a lesbian and then she had twins with some guy who's name I don't remember, if I ever knew it in the first place. If you want hardcore information I guess this is the place to come too 

Amber Heard SEX NUDES

 Amber Heard had twins? I thought Amber Heard was a lesbian. The one thing I know about lesbians is they usually don't have sex with men, and there are limited ways to get pregnant without that. And I have zero idea who you people are constantly talking about lately. I haven't heard the name Amber Heard in about a year. And now with Instagram and X and Facebook... everyone is famous. Even you. And no one deserves to be famous less than you, believe me. Could you be any more dull?