Monday, February 25, 2013

Adele Wins an Oscar

Adele won the Academy Award for best original song for Skyfall and as a reward she received an Oscar trophy, and this little person to eat later after the show. Jesus.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Invasion of the Body Snatchers

Here's a side by side picture of what some people are trying to tell me is Katherine Webb. The once pretty girl that dated some quarterback from somewhere. Will those type of guys ever get a break? Anyway, when I saw the picture on the right I thought..."Man that is one lucky dude. And I bet she's really nice and helps deaf kids, and nurses sick puppies back to health too." Now I'm wondering if she isn't murdering those deaf kids, and drinking the blood of those those puppies as part of her beauty regimen. Is that even the same person? If it is, when the sun sets you better lock up your children and your pets because it looks like she's gonna need a double dose tonight.

OMG It's a Led Zeppelin Reunion

GAH! Who the fuck is that??

Robert Plant is talking about a Led Zeppelin reunion in - where else?- Rolling Stone magazine. 

  "Jimmy Page and John Paul Jones are Capricorns. They don't say a word. They're quite contained in their own worlds and they leave it to me," said Plant. "I'm not the bad guy . . . You need to see the Capricorns – I've got nothing to do in 2014."
 Capricorns? What the hell is he talking about? Maybe Mercury is in retrograde and it's making him talk crazy like this. At least you'll be able to pay for your tickets with Dream Catchers. Is he getting tired of whacking it to the Lord of the Rings trilogy?  Maybe he's seen all the Matlocks and needs to go somewhere besides the post office, the bank, and Walgreens. I bet they can get the Turtles, or The Electric Prunes to be their opening act.  If any of them are still alive I'd bet they'd jump at the chance.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Alyssa Milano is What?

She's 40 years old. Holy shit! Yeah I just found out like 10 minutes ago and 'm just as surprised as you. I seriously had absolutely no idea. Yes, this is another in a seemingly endless stream of hot, "older" women stories. Older in the sense that they aren't still in high school or college, and saying "I can buy beer" to them doesn't have the usual effect.

 Her birthday is December 19, 1972. She's 5'2" tall. She has seven tattoos- An ouroboros (a snake biting its own tail) on her right wrist, a Buddhist symbol of Om on her left, rosary beads on her back, a vine of flowers on her right ankle, an angel holding a cross with her ex-fiancĂ©’s initials SRW (which now means “Single Rad Woman”) on her left, a fairy kneeling in grass on her hip, and a sacred heart on her lower back. And also she has a nice looking picture hanging over that table in her hallway.

Listen if she doesn't like me trying to get to know her better maybe she should buy some more opaque blinds.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Welcome to the 21st Century

It's 2013 isn't it?  Wasn't New Years Eve just a few weeks ago? We have cars that will park themselves, cellphones that are basically computers that fit in your pocket that make the Star Trek communicators seem old timey by comparison, we've been to the moon and back several times, can fly around the entire planet in a matter of hours and, soon if I lose a limb it will be replaced by a better, much cooler robot limb - that I'm getting by the way even if I have to chop off my own goddamn hand - and these idiots are burning witches?   

Yeah they really are...
 Assailants stripped, tortured and bound a woman accused of witchcraft, then burned her alive in front of hundreds of witnesses in a Papua New Guinea town, police said Friday...
 If one of your friends is one of those hippie types that's "fascinated with other cultures" just drop her off in New Guinea with a pack of matches a pointy hat, and a digital camera and tell her to randomly start fires, and steal peoples souls and keep them in the "magic box". It'll be a fun prank to pull on her I promise. And by the way I spent 25 minutes looking for pictures of New Guinea that didn't make me look like a raging racist but I eventually just gave up.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Jane Fonda a Traitor. Still Looks Good

She hasn't been in any movies made after 1967 that I've actually seen. Yes she is 75 years old. Yes she's a traitor that deserves to be swinging from the end of a rope. But the answer to the big question is yes definitely. I probably wouldn't even have to drink that much. Unless it's to get her to drink. Those rohypnols don't swallow themselves you know.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Beyonce Looks Cool

I saw a highlight of Beyonce's contract rider for performing at the Super Bowl, and it read in part...
 "Bring forth five goats, and a plump child and place them at the base of the foot bridge at Elfedge Forest so that I may feast upon their bones"
 Celebrities are weird. 

UPDATE!!!  I didn't see this post from Gawker before I wrote about that picture, but if you insist on reading Gawker  here you go. Although why you'd read Gawker is your business. Weirdo.