Brooke Burke is Boring. 51

Brooke Burke is 51 years old. I just wanted to mention that right up front. She also sounds super flaky...

'I am obsessed with biohacking and doing a deep dive into innovative longevity opportunities, and it feels amazing,' said the star who was seen in Malibu earlier this month.Biohacking is also known as 'human augmentation' and is a 'do-it-yourself biology' that works to enhance health and wellbeing through certain techniques such as meditation and intermittent fasting, according to Healthline. 

'Free movement and positive mantras are pushing through new areas of fitness. I am teaching hot yoga body sculpting, which is an incredible opportunity to heat up the core, stretch, release toxins, and explore restorative yoga poses,'

Every time I read these thrice yearly (yes thrice) stories about her she always sounds like she's reading from a prepared statement. I hope she's a super freak in bed or likes to have sex in public parks or something super kinky like that because otherwise she's just another hot, 51 year old empty vessel walking around  California in a bathing suit. And I haven't been there in a while, but imagine there's no shortage of women like that in Los Angeles.

 

How, Kim Kardashian

 Kim Kardashian dressed like a futuristic Indian princess to visit a Dolce & Gabbana store? Dolce&Gabbana is something people still buy? I thought they went out of business after The Jersey Shore show went off the air. But no, that's what it said. Putting on a leftover Halloween costume to go shopping seems like a hassle to me but some people are like that. I bet she wasn't in there very long since I imagine her black Chrysler 300 with the limo tint was double parked outside.

Paris Hilton Likes to Party

I'm pretty sure at some point I swore I'd never write about Paris Hilton again, but you have to admit she looks pretty good in that dress. Apparently she wore it on her 21st birthday too. Can you imagine the kind of woman that would hang on to a party dress for 20 years and then wear it while driving around in a pink car? I don't know what a psychologist would call this behavior but it can't be good. Especially when it's owned by a 41 year old multi-multi-millionaire that can buy almost literally anything she wants.

That husband up there in his brand new JCPenney shoes should probably start preparing for the divorce. I guess they had a baby together, which of course is nowhere to be seen. Look I get it everyone gets older, hell, even me, but this is the kind of behavior I expect from 24 year old shit heads, and 50 year old Chicago Party Aunts in Streeterville and not some middle-aged people that just had a baby.Or maybe I should expect it from them I really don't know.

 

Elsa Pataky is a Ghost

 I'm sorry I've been gone. It's just the same old complaints about the same old people doing the same old thing. How many times do you guys want to read about Lizzo playing a flute or whatever? It can't be something you want to do every day so I just look around and figure I'd wait until something at least halfway interesting happens. 

  Like Elsa Pataky going to the beach. Now THIS is something I could read about every day. Shit man, she's supernatural. I would do unspeakable things just to smell her hair. I'm sure her dimwitted husband is around there somewhere but who cares or knows where. With any luck he went surfing (with his shirt off) and got eaten by a tiger shark. 

I'm sorry your kids don't have a father now Elsa but I'm a pretty cool guy and since I have the maturity of an 11 year old I think they'd really like me. What do you say? You could do worse and wind up with another Australian guy and let's be honest, nobody wants that.

 

Hi Guys

 I'm sorry I was sick for an entire week and I could barely bring myself to even think about this, but I feel much better now and I have stuff saved, although not written. Strap in we're gonna set the world on fire. Starting tomorrow. Maybe.

Monica Lewinsky is Here

 Holy shit it's Monica Lewinsky. Don't these people ever stop being famous? Why is she on a red carpet somewhere. If you think I read this story you need your head examined.

 If you don't know who she is I'm not telling you, this ridiculousness ends with me.

Leonardo DiCaprio is Getting Dangerous

 Leonardo DiCaprio's new girlfriend is 19? NINETEEN??? Her name is Eden Polani and she was in high school LAST YEAR. You have to admit this is pretty impressive that he managed to pull this off because I'm not convinced she would even know who Leonardo DiCaprio is, that's how young she is. 

Just by looking at that picture you can tell she's a baby. She looks like she's in high school. It'll be another two years before she can even legally buy beer. I don't know man, age gaps between people are totally fine with me  if the people involved are fine with it. I'm real big on minding your own business, but this is starting to get weird with him. I wouldn't even know what to say to a 19 year old. "Do you need new Barbies?". That's all I can think of.  Dude - Leo -  get it together.

Iggy Azalea's Story is Rich

 

Iggy Azalea is still posting pictures of herself mostly naked. This time on a yacht which I can absolute guarantee doesn't belong to her, but she knows her "fans" - whoever they are- are blindingly stupid so I'm sure they believe it. 

Let's pretend for a minute it is hers. And we'll be generous and say it's 100 feet long. It costs about $15,000 just to fill up the gas tanks. Once. And the yacht itself would be somewhere in the neighborhood of about $30,000,000. Give or take a million. Even if she is earning $1,000,000 a month from OnlyFans - which I can again guarantee she isn't - how do I know? Because they won't say. I promise if she was making a million dollars a month on OnlyFans she'd tell you for sure. 

You'd have to make a lot more than that to buy what is essentially a $30,000,000 toy. And let's face it, she doesn't have enough class for this.I could be wrong, I could always be wrong. Maybe Iggy Azalea is a financial genius.