Jennifer Aniston is Back

 Jennifer Aniston looks mostly normal again now thank God. She was at the Emmys or something I don't know, there are way too many of these award things to even keep track of these days. I hope she won a trophy the same way she won my heart or whatever.

Katy Perry Keeps on Keepin' On

 Katy Perry performed at the MTV Video Music Awards which is a thing that I honestly didn't know still happened. And I swear I heard somewhere a couple of years ago that MTV was going off the air. I absolutely know I did. But maybe that's just that Mandela Effect everyone is always talking about. 

Katy Perry will be 40 in a few weeks, doesn't she feel silly? It's not as if she doesn't have money so she doesn't have to keep doing this like some kind of trained seal. She's performing mostly to an audience that isn't even old enough to buy cigarettes never mind beer, and a lot of them probably weren't even born yet or were barely alive when her first song was released. She's nearly twice the age of the latest flash in the pan Sabrina Carpenter. But I suppose if this is the only job you've ever known you just keep doing it, and age never really becomes a factor. If you meet a 60 year old welder you don't think, "Geez, aren't you a little old to be a welder?" no he's just a welder, that's what he does. 

And she's still married to Orlando Bloom although why she'd keep doing that is a mystery to me too. Maybe they're weird swingers or something and that keeps them going

Jennifer Lopez Shines

 I saved this picture of Jennifer Lopez where they said she dressed like this to show Ben Affleck what he was missing. Ben Affleck was married to Jennifer Lopez. Twice. I'm pretty sure he knows what he's missing

There's an old saying... "Show me the hottest woman in the world and I'll show you some guy that's sick of fucking her"

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that saying was invented specifically for Jennifer Lopez.

Reese Witherspoon NUDE

 Reese Witherspoon has a new boyfriend. I didn't see what his name was but I bet it's Nerdlinger Von Nerdmeister. I didn't even know she was single. I did scan enough of the story to find out he's a German "financier", which you can pretty much tell just by looking at him. If I was casting a WWII movie and needed a prison camp commandant he'd be my number one pick.

My main question is, where do you even meet a Reese Witherspoon? It's not as if they met on a movie set or anything right? What did he do bump into her a couple of times at the grocery store or something? It's not as if I might just bump into Elizabeth Hurley at the car wash. I guess this will forever be one of life's mysteries.

!!!SEXY UPDATE!!! I guess his name is Oliver Haarmann which makes 100% sense. He even looks like an Oliver Haarmann

Meal LeBlanc Goes Car Shopping

 Matt LaBlanc went to Van Nuys California to pick up a new car and probably stopped for some McDonald's on his way home. I don't know which car he bought but he for sure got two double Big Mac meals would be my guess.

PARIS HILTON TOPLESS BOOBS

 

They said Paris Hilton did a "topless" photo shoot despite the fact that that's just mostly a play on words. I have no idea why she did this or who cares about her at this point, all of this Paris Hilton stuff people in England seem so constantly amazed by is simply baffling. I've mentioned that she's kind of hot and got hotter as she's gotten older, and I dig that 70s vibe she has going on in these pictures but... so what? Seriously there are plenty of hotter women, some I even know in real life, I just don't get it. Maybe she's a good person or has a great sense of humor, but honestly I have no idea, I don't think I've ever even heard her speak and you'll never make me.

Heidi Klum Grows as a Person

 Heidi Klum showed up at the "America's Got Talent Quarter Finals" like that's a real thing. Quarter finals? Spare me. The important part of this story is how hot she looked. I'm going to say something a little shocking but you have to believe me, I mean this in the best possible way. Brace yourselves...

She looks like she put on just a tiny bit of weight

HOLD YOUR WATER FREAKS. It is possible to be too skinny and she was borderline for a while. And yes I can comment on her appearance because her appearance is her whole job. Not being able to say she looks good or bad is like saying a doctor's skill as a surgeon has started slipping. His entire reason for existing is surgery, the same way you know who she is by how she looks. 

For a while there she looked like the stick figure from that game Hangman you played as a kid with two grapefruit glued to her chest.

And she looks super smoking hot though so it's not as if I'm being mean or anything and besides, when I said that I mean she looks better, not worse. Most normal guys don't want to sleep next to a woman that feels like a golf bag full of nine irons at night. And really it's not as if she's actually fat or anything she just looks better. 

By the way, I like her necklace too. It just does something for me

Jennifer benfleck and Ben Marquez BIG NEWS

 You wonder why I've been writing so sporadically? How would you feel if you had to read about these two insufferable a-holes day in and day out. Who could possibly give a fuck about these two. I don't even know the last movie Ben Affleck was in, and Jennifer Lopez had to cancel her entire "world tour" because of a lack of ticket sales, so obviously I'm not alone in this. 

 

I'll look for something later today but if I were you, I wouldn't hold my breath.