Who Are These People

I was looking for a specific picture on my desktop for yet another one of my hilarious stories and I accidentally clicked on this. I know I saved it for some reason but I have absolutely no idea who they are or why it's there so I'm going to try to decipher it with only the information I have.  Some guy with an Abraham Lincoln beard and enormous feet met a girl at the MGM Grand Casino. They had a brief weekend fling that she'll be embarrassed about for most of the rest of her life. Oh sure she'll tell her best friend about that dork she slept with by accident in Las Vegas but swears her to secrecy forever and her friend will promise never to tell until she starts dating a guy the friend likes and then she'll passively mention the weekend affair to the guy one night when they all meet up at TGI Fridays for a Pick Three-Free-For-All when she leaves the table to go to the bathroom. See? That's why girls always go to the bathroom in pairs so they don't divulge each other's secrets.

Channing Tatum is Darling

Channing Tatum dressed up as his favorite character when he and his wife Jenna Dewan Dewars - Scotch Tatum showed up at the annual Literary Writers Conference to discuss the latest fiction and non-fiction authors and their impact on the literary world. No I'm just kidding he's the Cat in the Hat and his wife is a "slutty" Cat in the Hat and they're on their way to a party at George Clooney's place. Afterword they're going home to try to decipher all the words in the new Curious George book. Channing's manager is hoping they can teach him to stop moving his lips when he reads, and maybe Jenna will be able to get past how mean The Man in the Yellow Hat is sometimes.

Elizabeth Hurley is in a Bikini Again

Elizabeth Hurley wore another bikini. This time with ruffles. Okay we get it now you're 50 and still really hot there's really no need to keep proving it. I can't believe I'm about to say this but maybe it's time to put on some clothes. I can not believe I just typed those words. Wait I'm sorry come back! I promise I didn't mean it. I guess I'm just under a lot of pressure looking for pictures of sexy half naked women to put on this blog. I promise I'll change baby.

Sean Penn is a Good Guy

Sean Penn dressed like a Bulgarian immigrant to go to the hardware store to buy some things. Probably some kind of basket or lockable chest to keep all the balls and Frisbees he confiscates from the neighborhood kids when they accidentally get thrown into his yard.

Hillary Clinton for Halloween

Who Wants to be Hillary Clinton for Halloween. The Clinton campaign thinks that's a swell idea because the Clinton campaign has a lot of good ideas. If you still think it's 1969 that is. Can you be a "slutty" Hillary Clinton? My guess would be no but hey whatever floats your boat. I'll be the one in the picture above

"Hey man like, freaky! Hey who wants to go check out some acid rock and maybe smoke some reefer cigarettes with my new boyfriend Bill? Have you guys seen that new movie Billy Jack it's so cool the way that Indian really showed it to The Man isn't it?"

I'll be the life of the party. The best part will be when I leave, I'll take half the jackets everybody left in the spare bedroom when they arrived and take them with me to give to homeless people and drunks who will in turn sell them for drugs. It's a good plan that can't fail like all other Democratic plans

Elizabeth Hurley Exposes Herself

Elizabeth Hurley posted this picture to her Instagram account accidentally exposing herself as a cyborg. Static twitter photos don't have sound otherwise what you would hear are the gears in her joints as she snaps these pictures. 

Asked to comment all she would say was

I. Am. A. Robot.

Pretty weird. She wouldn't expand on her answer but no one pushed her about it either once they noticed the laser sights in her eyes started tracking them. You read it here first folks. Elizabeth Hurley is a killer robot from the future

Elizabeth Hurley is a Miracle

Elizabeth Hurley is 50. I really don't know what else to say so I won't say anything let's just enjoy this moment together shall we?

Allison Williams Looks Nice

Allison Williams was also at the "Fashion Gala for Awareness" with Justin Timberlake. Well, she wasn't there with him but they both attended. I've never heard of Allison Williams before this but you can bet your ass I know who she is now. Her Wikipedia bio says she's from Connecticut and she's "27" years old.  Yeah sure, my bio says I'm from the ice planet Hoth and I'm 24. Listen Allison you already have me there's no reason to lie I don't care how old you are let's start off what could be a beautiful relationship with a little honesty.

Justin Timberlake Brings Being Dressed Up Back

Justin Timberlake's mom dressed him up for a night on the town when he showed up wearing nice clothes at the "Hollywood Fashion Group International Celebrity Picture Session on a Red Carpet Gala". Sorry I made that up I have absolutely no idea where they are I just read the banner behind him. I was distracted by the fact that he looks like a nine year old that was dressed up to go to a wedding and was told to not get dirty

Cory Wells Dies

Three Dog Night (ask your grandpa) singer Cory Wells died suddenly, he was 74. I didn't see anything listed as a cause for his death but if I had to go out on limb I'd guess a big factor was being 74. I guess he's finally been to all these places now.

Sarah Silverman is Funny

It's official I'm on board the Sarah Silverman train. Maybe she is really, really funny after all. All Aboard! Next stop Laughter Town

Zooey Deschanel is Still Quirky

I'm told the person in that picture is Zooey Deschanel. I don't know why but it doesn't look like her. Maybe she's been replaced by a sinister double. But everybody can relax because she's as quirky as ever as evidenced by the fact that she named her daughter Otter. Elsie Otter to be exact. The kid can't even walk yet and it's already scheduled for it's first flying sparrow tattoo. She has other names for future kids picked out. Banjo Toaster if it's a girl, and Ukulele Shopping Cart for any future boys. And maybe someone should mention to her that that wide eyed girl confused about the world look is cute when you're 25 but maybe not so much when you're 35.

Paula Abdul Gets Coffee

Paula Abdul went out for coffee dressed in about $10,000 worth of clothes. Hell the shoes alone are 800 bucks Anyway who cares. I always thought she was pretty hot even at 53. In fact she looks like the kind of woman that has a rich husband that works too much and doesn't know she exists so she rattles around her giant soulless mansion and starts longing for a tall, extremely handsome, and very muscular pool boy with tattoos and a motorcycle that doesn't run right named Bobby that often works on their grounds. He's mysterious and probably hides a dark past of some kind. I wonder where Paula would find someone like that

Here's Jennifer Aniston

Since it's my blog I thought I'd post a picture of Jennifer Aniston.

Nicole Kidman is Spooky

Nicole Kidman celebrated Halloween a little early this year when she showed up at the 60th annual Woman of the Year Luncheon and Awards ceremony dressed up as the ghost of a passenger from the Titanic. Not pictured is her tiny fluffy dog and a mountain of luggage covered in stickers from all the places in the world she's visited

Nancy Grace is Awful

California wildlife officials were stunned when the released back into the wild what they thought was a rabid porcupine that actually turned out to be Nancy Grace. "I'll sue and make them all pay like Lamar Odom pays for hookers!" she screamed.

Jwoww is Still Jwoww

Remember Jwoww? Boy I sure do. I loved her in that thing she did. Well fellas hold on to your hats because she'll be off the market soon after she marries her "baby daddy" and I would bet every penny I have that that's what she calls him. Anyway she posted a picture of her boobs so there they are. I wonder if she still talks to those other cretins she used to hang out with.  Whatever who cares, I'm not linking anything involving this nitwit. I look forward to the next TV show she's on which will most likely be "COPS" when she's arrested for domestic violence after her and her new husband get into a fist fight outside some shit hole New Jersey bar.

Salma Hayek is an Artist

Salma Hayek was interviewed during a painting session where she was painting and looking sexy. I guess the secret is out. You really let the cat out of the bag didn't you, you crazy kid. By the way I sent her the picture on the left. We do that sometimes. I'll watch her scene in From Dusk til Dawn and then send her "pictures" I thought she could use it for inspiration but I didn't think she'd hang it up there for the whole world to see. Whatever it's life size so I don't really care. I'll talk to you later Salsa. I call her Salsa instead of Salma because she's spicy and from Mexico.

Paris Hilton is Shiny

Paris Hilton always looks like a wax figure that someone is shining a flashlight on. I bet if Blade Runner was real we'd find out she was a replicant. She wouldn't be a pleasure model though, she'd probably be a pain in the ass princess model. She'd have sex with you one time and then when you weren't looking she'd stick one of her weird looking figures into the USB port on your computer and drain your bank accounts and retirement funds while whining about how she was cold. Why would people in the future make such a thing? People in the future are total dicks