All Olivias all the Time

 
 This is the Olivia Blog now. This one is Olivia Culpo (again). This just makes everything easier for me because they all look the same, dress the same, go to the same places, date the same people, and do the same things. So I can just write one post, and then copy and paste it every time an Olivia shows up somewhere doing whatever it is Olivias do. At some point you have to find your groove and you fall into a rhythm and that's when your life becomes easier.

Kate Hudson is Cute. Forgivable

The World's Cutest Woman, Kate Hudson and her husband Danny Mitsubishi , went for a bike ride and like the concerned citizens they are wore their neck gaiters, spreading any potential virus they may carry even more than if they wore nothing at all. Yes, I've said it before and I'll keep saying it so long as you self-righteous, hair shirt wearing simpletons keep pretending you follow the science. "Following the science" means that if scientists tell you that doing something is bad, you stop doing that thing.Wearing this to me means you want everyone to see you being a good person, when in actual fact, it makes you a bad person. It doesn't matter to me, I most likely think you're an idiot either way.

The New and Improved Olivia Blog

 This is the Olivia Blog now. This one is Olivia Culpo (again). This just makes everything easier for me because they all look the same, dress the same, go to the same places, date the same people, and do the same things. So I can just write one post, and then copy and paste it every time an Olivia shows up somewhere doing whatever it is Olivias do. At some point you have to find your groove and you fall into a rhythm and that's when your life becomes easier.

Lauren Goodger is in Shape. Round.

Gross, nobody reality person Lauren Goodger or whatever the fuck her name is, was photographed going somewhere. I don't know why, or where, but judging by the limits she's placed on that nylon tent she's wearing I'd guess she's going to get beef sandwiches and chocolate shakes.

Irina Shayk Isn't Good With Money

I only wrote this because it was pointed out that model Irina Shayk was out walking around in a $3000 coat and $2000 boots. Every shoe, piece of clothing and both of my vehicles probably don't add up to $5000. I don't know why you'd pay $2000 for rubber boots when you can get nice black ones at Home Depot for $18.50. Probably because you're an idiot. Let's be serious, they probably all come out of the same factory. How many places in the world make rubber boots these days? Not a lot. It's your money Irina if you want to blow $2 grand on galoshes it's not against the law. But I suppose she is Russian and you know how they are.

Naomi Watts has Skin

Naomi Watts talked about her skin regimen I guess because that's all she does. What I don't understand is this fixation people have with age. The reason I say that is, the main headline where I stole this from had her age in GIANT numbers included. Why don't you guess what her age is without looking it up. Maybe 45? 42? How about 38?  No she's 52. But so what?

 It's likely if she told you any of those numbers you'd believe her. I would. Why does it matter? She can say no to you just as easily at 52 as she could have at 35.  I'd say that picture was airbrushed, or photo shopped but the other pictures that were included looked mostly just like that so it's not as if she's been turned into a cartoon character like I've seen so many times. I saw one lady on Instagram that used so many filters her goddamn mouth disappeared. I'm not joking either, I wish I was. 

Now here comes the hard part. Hard for you I mean...

She looks like that at 52 because she's Naomi Watts. If you graduated from college, and then spent the last 25 years birthin' babies, driving minivans, eating at McDonald's and Arby's and getting your hair styled so the manager of every store you walk into meets you at the customer service desk out of reflex every time you walk through the door, whatever she's selling isn't going to help. I'm sorry you had to hear that, but his whole "looking young" thing is a process that starts in your late 20's. Not your mid-40s.

Kimberly Garner has a Bikini

 Here's Kimberly Garner. (SEXY UPDATE!! I wrote this yesterday but forgot about it). She's a model or something. I just didn't want to leave Sam Smith's mug up as the last thing you see on this blog so I picked her. Pretty smart right?

Sam Smith is Scarrrrry

 "Popular" singer Sam Smith, said he wants to have children by the time he's 35.

 'I want kids. I want all of it. I want to have kids. I want to be with the kids and I want to watch them grow and be with them every day. I want to be mummy,'

He can adopt a kid tomorrow, what's he waiting for? He's gay so there isn't all that bothersome meeting, falling in love, marrying and then getting some woman pregnant stuff. He's 28 right now so what's he going to do wait until the last minute? Just go get one. Don't bring up all that "mummy" stuff so close to Halloween though, you don't want to scare any of them away.

Nicole Scherzinger ghfjbkbvkxjnfbnm

Some mildly famous, plastic people took pictures of themselves exercising, and then posted the pictures on Instagram because they're gross and lead mostly pointless, fame seeking lives. (yes yes, it's Nicole Whatserface and her schlong deliverer Tony Orwhatever). Sorry, I'm trying to find more interesting things to write about. You'd think this would be a pretty low threshold to cross wouldn't you, but this was one of the more interesting celebrity stories of today

Olivia Palermo is Another Famous Olivia

Another Olivia has exploded on to the scene. This one's last name is Palermo. It was almost impossible to tell them all apart before, and now they're walking around in masks too. They did call her style "quirky" however, and I guess it is, if "insane stalker lady" is a fashion brand. My cat was asking to be fed as I was in the middle of writing this so now I lost my place, but if I'm honest, I'm not sure it matters. Some other Olivia will show up in a bikini somewhere and you dopes will lap it up like stray dogs without ever noticing the difference. "Oh look! Olivia Famous is in a bikini on Instagram!"

Genius at Work

Post Malone and Ty Dollar Sign met up to talk about world history and NASA's latest attempt at getting us back on the Moon. In a show of scientific solidarity Po$t Malone added a dollar sign to his name. I hope something good comes of it

Kate Beckinsale is Single

Kate Beckinsale broke up with her "boyfriend" Goody Grace and then posted "You don't need a man" on Instagram, which is pretty much what you'd expect the woman that's constantly taking pictures of herself wearing bikinis alone in her house would say. Maybe her and Elizabeth Hurley can join forces and create the world's most boring Instagram account.

Uncle Death Wants You

 In the spirit of Halloween, Joe Biden decided to spend the rest of the year looking like a reanimated corpse.

NEW HAIRCUT ALERT

 !!!!BREAKING NEWS!!!! 

 

One of the Olivias, this time Culpo, got a new haircut. Then she walked around pretending to be going somewhere. I don't know how these people get paid for this kind of thing, or how they pay their bills. Walking down the street and pretending to go get coffee can't possibly pay that much, but what do I know. Nobody is taking pictures of my new haircut and I do that baby all by myself.

Ireland Baldwin is Political

Ireland Baldwin voted and then proved it by doing this. Why, I have no idea. I wonder who operated the super complex voting machine for her. Can you just vote and shut the fuck up about it? You're not the first person to vote.  I wonder who the slow witted Hollywood lefty voted for. It's a mystery for the ages.

Site Update

 Nothing happened today. Go find something else to do.

What Does Pia Mia Do?

 Pia Mia wanted you to know she's hip, and trendy, and also a "Good person" with her black Escalade, her fashionable mask, and her brand new shiny "Timbalands" and not at all a talentless fame whoring a-hole, trying to appeal to simple minded, low information mouth breathers with Neanderthal-like sloping foreheads. I hope you're wearing your mask while you read this, I wouldn't want to catch any of your idiot germs.

Don Felder is on the Move

Eagles guitarist Don Felder and his girlfriend Diane McInerney broke up. Probably over his outfit. Why do old guys dress like that? It's so cheesy. He looks like a dentist that went crazy while on vacation in Las Vegas.

The End is Nigh

Remember that giant crowd at Sturgis that was going to kill millions of people because of it being a "super spreader event"?  Look at all those ignorant morons in that picture acting like nothing is wrong and we aren't in the middle of a pandem -- oh wait what's that you say? That's a protest march against Donald Trump and Amy Coney Barret that took place yesterday? Oh. That's fine then. I guess they're immune and there won't be any problems. Not like those ignorant anti-science biker goons spreading disease and pestilence because they're just selfish idiots.  I'm so glad a virus knows the difference between "Good" and "Evil".

Megan Thee STUPEndous

 I'm writing this for three reasons (and questions).

1. So I can post something too keep you people happy.

2. Why didn't someone stop Megan "Thee Stallion" and tell her that a stallion is a MALE adult uncastrated horse?

3. Why didn't an adult human know a stallion was a male horse?

4. Why don't you people pick up a fucking book once in a while. And not "Where the Sidewalk Ends", I mean a book where you actually learn something. 

Okay that's mostly questions. And it's four not three. Sorry, I guess it's just natural curiosity.

Bethennhgfgg hvj Splash

Bethenny Frankel yadda yadda mask bing bang boom hat fribbity fribbity...

Are you guys tired of this yet? Because I think I am.

CARDI B WITHOUT A TOP

(Editor's note: I had to change the title from CARDI B TOPLESS to CARDI B WITHOUT A TOP because sometimes websites take down stuff with "offensive content" because you people are apparently a bunch of medieval nuns now that can't even look at words without fainting or being offended)

Cardi B says she "accidentally" posted a picture of herself topless. But don't worry she deleted it, maybe because she wants to maintain her sense of mystery. But quite honestly, I believe her because no one would knowingly  post a picture of themselves looking like one of those dogs that accidentally ate a bee.  If you're still curious, it took me about 10 seconds to find the picture on the right. In case you're brand new to the internet all I did was type "Cardi B Topless" into the Google search bar and just like magic there it was. This also works with more attractive women that aren't Cardi B,  you know, in case that's something that interests you

Orianne Cevey has a New Beau

There's "rocker" Phil Collins' ex-wife Orianne Cevey with her new husband some 31 year old guy named Duke or something. He's in a band that probably isn't very good. I of course didn't read the story, and I didn't even know Phil Collins was divorced but if you want to know how these two met I can probably describe it. Here goes...

They met at the Sturgis Bike Rally while his terrible band was playing ZZ Top covers in some over crowded bar while she flashed her tits to get free shots from guys with giant beer bellies and long gray pony tails. 

It's a match made in Heaven.

Madison Beer is "Leggy"

Madison Beer walked around. They described her as "leggy" and yeah, so is a chair. They should call her Ostrich Legs. Sorry you tried to get famous during a pandemic. 

Maluma Knows the Score

 Jennifer Lopez posted a picture of herself with her co-star "Maluma" for some movie they're in. I absolutely refuse to read anything more about this so I'll do my best to describe what I think it's about.  I think I heard he stars as a guy that wears gigantic gold JCPenney wrist watches, sells used BMWs and orders bottle service in strip clubs where he calls everyone chief and thinks the girls taking money from him actually like him and his terrible beard. If I'm wrong you can sue me later

Christine McGuinness is Supernatural

 I swear I've been trying to find new stuff to write about but there ain't shit. Seriously, it's really bad out there. Thank God Christine McGuinness decided to post some pictures on Instagram. I mean holy shit. Are they sure this is an actual human?  Seeing this was like driving down the expressway and you see an accident happen right in front of you and everyone's heads pop off in the middle of a giant thermite explosion like when they blew the Thing's spaceship out of the ice and you just happen to have your camera ready. I mean what are you going to do, not look? Be serious. I mean, she almost doesn't look real. I don't even care what her post is about. I'll be honest, she could be saying she's trying to resurrect Hitler's decapitated head and I'd just say "okay if that's what you want to do have fun"

Neve Campbell is in the Clouds

Neve Campbell is back and she was at the premier of her new movie "Clouds" that you won't see. She showed up in her mask and it suddenly dawned on me. I bet A LOT of people - especially Gen Xers trying to make a comeback - are happy these idiotic masks are de rigueur (that means "in fashion"), because those things will hide a multitude of sins. For all you know she's had her lower jaw removed or she has one of those tiny extra mouths that shoot out like that alien had in the movie "Alien".  I'm not saying she does, but you can't prove me wrong so I'll just point out that that's all the proof I need.

Mike Tyson Has Drain Bamage

 Some people (I'm not sure who) expressed concern that Mike Tyson appeared "vacant" and was slurring his words during an interview

Mike Tyson sparked concern on Tuesday as he slurred through a remote interview on Good Morning Britain with Piers Morgan and Susanna Reid. 

The boxing legend, 54, appeared on the show to discuss coming out of retirement to fight Roy Jones Junior, however his manner led to mass worry on Twitter. 

Firstly, people on Twitter are astonishingly stupid. I don't mean the people I know (you should follow me) I just mean in general. Secondly, Mike Tyson spent his entire life getting punched in the face and head by heavyweight boxers, so I don't know what you'd expect him to be like in his 50's. Plus he's a rapist that spent three years in prison so who cares if he's got brain damage now.

Kelly Osbourne Looks Good

 Oh, hi Kelly Osbourne, what's going on? The pants with the holes in the knees look ridiculous by the way. However, having said that, I'm certainly happy to help you find something else.

JOHNNY ROTTEN SUPPORTS TRUMP

 

 

 John Lydon/Johhny Rotten is voting for Donald Trump. 

“He’s an individual thinker, I’ll give him that for a start. He’s not the most lovable fellow on God’s earth, but I cannot see the opposition as offering me anything by way of a solution,” he said.

I have two Sex Pistols albums and saw them in the 90s. I was a huge fan and still am a fan, even though punk was a product of it's time. I still listen too it, and I even called Republicans Nazis and voted for Bill Clinton, but I think punk and liberal/leftist politics are the kind of things you mostly grow out of, like drawing pot leaves and bongs on everything. The Sex Pistols have only one real album, and only existed from June 4th 1976 (their very first concert) until June 14th, 1978 (their last) so I don't know, I like them and everything I guess, and I like Johnny, and I honestly don't care who he votes for but I figured writing this with a screaming title might generate some clicks I so desperately need as you slobbering loons look for something else to be mad about today

 

 

 

Vanessa Hudgens is Scary

 Halloween isn't for two weeks but that isn't stopping Vanessa Hudgens. Blah blah Instagram. And to think I used to love Halloween before you assholes decided it should be six weeks long and aimed squarely at the kind of shit heads that ruin everything because think they need to outdo each other. Which really isn't that difficult if you have access to millions of dollars and a neighbor that happens to be an Academy Award wining make-up artist with apparently nothing else to do during the weekend but dress you up like Elvira or whoever that's supposed to be.

Amanda Holden Works on Cars

Amanda Holden put on some really short shorts, high heels, and every Instagram filter know to mankind  for some pictures she could post all over the place. Look I'm sorry, I know I keep writing about her but Great Britain has basically three famous people that live there.  Amanda Holden, Nicole Scherzinger, and Ricky Gervais. And they all get written about virtually every day to the exclusion of everything else on what's basically the biggest celebrity site on the internet. So it's either them, or the American counter-part that writes almost exclusively about the Kardashians. I can only do so much with this nonsense, and I'm afraid my hands are tied.

Remembering Ricki Lake

 Remember Ricki Lake? She's not dead, I'm just asking if you remembered her. I sort of do. Vague, misty memories of a sort of more female friendly Jerry Springer. I think. Or maybe her show wasn't like that, I'm trying to put a positive spin on all those shows from the 80s and 90s that were aimed at white trash imbeciles and black women with fingernails that are way, way too long. Well Ricky Lake was part of all that and now she spends her days walking her dog and making the world less safe from Covid because neck gaiters actually make things worse.  But I'm sure you already knew that since you're into science and everything.

Kelly Brook Goes to the Beach

I don't feel like doing this right now. For some reason I don't feel so good, maybe I can pull it together later. Luckily, I had this picture of Kelly Brook saved for reasons I've long since forgotten. I don't know where her mask is but, hey, maybe she just doesn't care about other people.

Lisa Rinna is Dim

 Lisa Rinna posted a picture of her wearing a bikini and then talked about Joe Biden. Or something.

So a lot of you have been asking about my diet and exercise routine I start by voting as early as possible for #joebiden and #kamalaharris and all of the other democratic candidates. Then try @isaacboots Torch'd class which will tone dat a** so then you can kick some white supremacists a** cuz the president is racist. This was inspired by @zoeisabellakravitz.'

Uhhhh...if you say so Lisa. If you don't know who she is she was married to that guy from that one movie. I think he was in a TV series too. You know, Whatsisface. The guy with the big lips I think. He had that hair? But I think maybe she was on that boat in the Sun for too long. Imagine being a 57 year old woman and typing a caption like that on Instagram . Then take it one step further and imagine being a person that would take political advice from a dimwit like this, it's unbelievable. The 21 year olds she's trying to stay relevant with probably think she's an idiot. And in today's world,  that's really saying something

Tyra Banks Dances With Herself

What happened to Tyra Banks? Did this woman eat her? 

Yoga Sherzinger Does Nicole

 I wasn't going to write about Nicole Scherzinger yet again but I already saved the picture. There she is doing yoga on some rocks for some reason. I hope she doesn't slip and hit her head and drown. What a shame that would be

Abbey Clancy Walks Around

Abbey Clancy was walking around. I'd never heard of her before 10 minutes ago but you can bet your ass I know who she is now. I think she dated or was married to some "footballer",  whatever the fuck that is. Once again all that British weirdness rears it's head. Footballer? Cricket? Frogmore Cottage? It's like a 1950 children's book over there.  They call her 34 but I'd believe a crackhead telling me why he needs money that isn't for crack before I'd believe that tall tale. This was mostly about how she was shopping (walking around so they could take her picture) which is fine, I think we're all used to the phony action shots by now. I will say it looks to me the late 60s-early 70s is back.  At least fashion wise, which is just fine and dandy with me. But I hope it stops with fashion and people don't start forgetting about their personal hygiene. That would be a damn shame

Michelle Keegan is on the Go-Go

 

Michelle Keegan is the star of Our Girl, it might be a British television show, or maybe a movie, or even a play, but they live in a different universe over there where they drive on the wrong side of the road and eat "scones" so who can say. She also has a house, which was described in great detail, right down to the throw pillows. What they should have talked about was how she was dressed like a 1960's go-go dancer which almost made her look appealing, and original, instead of the standard, plastic mid-30s  "Instagram Influencer" with an unmovable, emotionless, latex style robotic face like she does like now

DO WHAT I SAY

 If masks work, what's the problem?

Jennifer Lopez is Hairy

Jennifer Lopez wore a wig, or extensions or whatever they're called these days. Can somebody please put these people back to work.  You know, I'm just some guy on the internet, so if I post garbage on Instagram and Twitter a billion times a day, nobody notices. But think about it. If I stopped writing these you'd miss me for about an hour then you'd say "Hmmm who was that guy?" It would take a little longer for that to happen to Jennifer Lopez but at this stage in her career probably not much, so they have to keep doing this I'm sorry but they're just starting look desperate now.

Cookie Monsta Dead

Some guy named "Cookie Monsta" died. He was 31. He was a dubstep person and will be sorely missed by guys with "shocker" stickers on the window of their car.   Godspeed to a true artist, the world will miss your yadda yadda yadda.

Johnny Depp is a Rebel

  

!!!BREAKING NEWS!!! JOHNNY DEPP BROKE SOCIAL DISTANCING RULES IN SWITZERLAND!!! 

 

If I didn't know any better I'd swear they were pulling my leg.  Europeans are mindless fucking cowards. It's no wonder Hitler steamrolled practically every country on mainland Europe the first chance he got. And yes I realize Switzerland isn't in Europe but Europe is where the source story was written and they're the ones shitting their pants, as usual.

 

Awful People Do Awful Things

I'd like to point out that the first thing Chrissy Teigen and John Legend did when they found out they were going to lose their baby was call a photographer. While she was still in her hospital bed. The second thing they did was post the pictures to Instagram. Has Donald Trump been re-elected yet so these two can finally move to Canada?