Chelsea Handler Gives Up on Saving the World

I may be reading a little between the lines here, but it looks like Chelsea Handler may be backing off on her promise to be a more politically active and better informed citizen. I don't know what I'll do if she stops tweeting and filling us in on the latest news, I guess I'll just have to go back to getting all of my information from Bozo the Clown.

Wanna Sex?

I shall cajole you into sex

Kim Kardashian is Kool

Kim Kardashian Kontinues her reign as The Supreme Leader and All Mighty Queen of the Trash and The Tackiest Idiot in all The Land by posing on a Rolls Royce. Why? I don't know. She probably thinks Rolex is the best watch money can buy too. There's a bottle of Hennessy, a bottle of Patrón, and some Black and Milds hidden in that picture but you have to find them yourself because I don't have time for this crap.

Whiner Fired from TV Show

A writer for Megyn Kelly's show was fired for complaining about being bullied by some of the head honchos on the show. His name is Kevin Bleyer and he seems kind of like a pussy to me...

“I’m sad to say … the executive incompetence continues — as does the dysfunctional management, abusive treatment, maddening hypocrisy, staggering inefficiencies, acidic and deficient communication, and relentless scapegoating. Jackie Levin persists in creating a toxic and demeaning environment, and Christine Cataldi enables and reinforces it.”

 He claims Cataldi regularly calls her assistant “an idiot,” and when he offered suggestions for the show, Levin called him a “f–king whiner.”

Please. Go back to writing for The Daily Show, where you probably get a trophy just for showing up on time, you big crybaby. Alright so I admit I think she's hot so she gets a pass from me on just about everything. Kind of like how Aziz Ansari gets a pass on some things  because his skin is brown. I once worked with five women and it nearly drove me to the breaking point. I literally almost had a nervous breakdown, and I WAS THE BOSS. This is a 100% true story. It was a horrible experience and I wouldn't wish it on anybody. So now that I think about maybe I'm wrong about Kevin. C'mon over man we'll go have a beer and maybe an uncomfortable man hug.

Dennis Quaid Believes in Santa

Dennis Quaid is 63 and his girlfriend Santa (?) Auzina is 31. Just figured I'd mention that since he basically looks like a stick of beef jerky with abs. Good job Dennis. Or Santa. I'm not sure who gets credit for this. The Great Pumpkin? Maybe since Dennis is looking pretty orange.

Janice Dickinson is a Super Star

In case you don't know who Janice Dickinson is, she was a model. She takes credit for coining the phrase "supermodel" when she was at the height of her fame in the 1970's. I guess they were called that because they all sat around Studio 54 and crammed mountains of cocaine into their faces and huffed amyl nitrate until dawn I don't know but it's as good a reason as any to call yourself that I suppose, and the moniker stuck around.

Anyway she went to some You Tubes award thing dressed like Ozzy Osbourne. Her and a bunch of other idiots desperately clinging to what little fame they have left were there.

Janice Dickinson was snapped Wednesday attending a party in Los Angeles for Ultimate Expedition, a YouTube Red series that documents eight celebrities attempting to scale Peru's Mount Tocllaraju, in addition to dealing with personal challenges.

I know people say You Tube et. al. are the wave of the future but if your red carpet premier can only attract Steve-O and Chachi Gonzales I wouldn't get too excited for the future of internet based entertainment just yet.

A Hemsworth and A Cyrus Walk into a Bar

Liam (?) Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus are still an item apparently. And judging by the picture I'd say the one hobby they share between them is going to the library while trying to decide which prestigious medical school their totally non-retarded offspring will attend .

Billie Jean King is Mad. Gay.

70's or maybe 80's tennis ace Billie Jean King is in the news, possibly for still being alive but I don't know I didn't read beyond the headline of the story because there are very few things I care about less in the world than tennis. Even less than soccer. I'll be honest if I didn't hear about it once in a while I wouldn't even know people still played tennis.

Aziz Ansari Accused of Sexual Assault

White Knight style protector of women and feminist hero Aziz Ansari of television fame and probably that one movie about going to White Castle has been accused of crossing the line sexually during a date with a woman anonymously known as "Grace"...

 “He said something along the lines of, ‘How about you hop up and take a seat?’” Within moments, he was kissing her. “In a second, his hand was on my breast.” Then he was undressing her, then he undressed himself. She remembers feeling uncomfortable at how quickly things escalated.

There's a lot more at the link. So much more that I had a difficult time deciding what to highlight. I know this might be difficult to believe coming from me, especially considering what you read here every day, but not all guys are like this. This is an asshole. And it's exactly what I would have expected from him. Something about him always gave me the creeps. He made my skin crawl and I hated the way some people made liking Aziz Ansari some kind of weird part of their personality.

 "I LOVE Aziz Ansari!" It was always one of those things I saw on the internet like bacon, zombies, Betty White and all other manner of bizarre shit people get sucked into right along with the group think that happens on the internet. I'd say "that guy is a creepy weirdo" and people would look at me like I had two heads. Is any of the story true? I guess we'll have to wait to hear from him after he meets with all the PR people and his agent so he can craft a way to respond, but I'm willing to bet this is probably just the beginning. There's a saying that goes like, "You only get one ticket while driving your car for every 100 you should have gotten",  so maybe the internet won't love this guy for very much longer.

LeAnn Rimes Hates the Government

Holy cow remember LeAnn Rimes? I didn't until right this second. But I remembered her as soon as I saw she was at the airport dressed like one of the hillbillies from the Looney Tunes classic "Hillbilly Hare" starring Bugs Bunny. No word on why she dressed like that but there are two or three possible reasons...

1. She's a hillbily
2. She was fliying back after being out in Hootman's Holler working her still
3. All of the above

Watch out for them revenoors LeAnn honey, they'll getch ye if'n you ain't careful.

Amber Heard Something

Remember Amber Heard? Of course you do. She was married to Johnny Depp, she was in that one movie, she's bisexual, I don't think that's important but she does so hey that's cool. She was in Drive Angry with Nicolas Cage which I have to tell you I enjoyed immensely. Anyway where was I? Oh yes she shared this kind of nude selfie thing on her Instagram. She looks pensive and deep in thought doesn't she? Good for her I say. I wonder what she's thinking about. World peace? Her plans for a perpetual motion machine? An inexhaustible supply of clean burning fuel? Who can say. Not me, I'm not thinking about anything, I'm just trying to find a way out of this.

Emma Stone Uses MDNA

The ghost of Emma Stone showed up at the Marie Claire Image Maker Awards sponsored by MDNA. Isn't that Ecstasy? Spirit from beyond or not, I think it's irresponsible of her to encourage the use of this type of narcotic. Unless she's trying to create an Undead Army of Ghosts. Which I guess is entirely possible since if there's one thing we all know, it's that celebrities are a bunch of weirdos.

Britney Goes to the Beach

Good lord. Well, I guess this is just a Britney Spears fan page now. If you don't like it, maybe start your own blog. You can write about video games or LARPing or science and beakers and stuff or how you enjoy collecting butterflies you damn nerd.

Michael Douglas is a Jerk?

 Michael Douglas denies whacking it in front of some woman 30 years ago...

 ...the Hollywood Reporter was preparing to run a story on the allegations of a woman who worked for Douglas in the mid-1980s. Douglas describes the suggestion that he masturbated in front of her as “a complete lie, fabrication, no truth to it whatsoever”.

What's with these guys? Doing that for like no reason at all would be the last thought that would ever cross my mind. It's such a bizarre notion to me that it almost defies credibility but apparently some guys do this sort of thing. I don't know I'll never understand.  Imagine this, you're meeting a couple of nice gals for lunch in your hotel room, and you've already paid upfront for the hour - whoa wait I mean, wait. Okay hold on. What I meant to say was keep it in your pants Hollywood weirdos.I don't know, I don't care about this and this is going nowhere.

Jessica Biel Sits Around

There's lots of stuff in the news today unfortunately I don't have much time to write so here's a picture of Jessica Biel from her Instagram for no reason instead. Believe it or not I have a neighbor that kind of looks like her. I'll post some pictures to prove it as soon as I can recover my spy cam from the tree in her yard.

Armie Hammer Breaks a Few Eggs

Armie Hammer was at Tao accepting an award dressed like The Joker from the 1989 film Batman. This was mostly a news report about the amazing fact that he was at two different award shows, on two different coasts within the span of 24 hours apparently because the original writer had never heard of a little invention called the "airplane". I've often wondered if Armie Hammer is related to billionaire philanthropist Armand Hammer but I never bothered to check. I'll include a helpful fascinating Wikipedia link here in case you want to check for me. I'll sit right here and wait.

David Beckham is Stylish

David Beckham shared this picture of him and one of his kids on a beach on New Year's Eve, and I would have bet everything I had that David Beckham had a hat like that.

Demi Lovato is Blue

Everyone is talking about this outfit Demi Lovato wore while performing in Miami instead of how her music is really, really awful. Ever notice how all of her pictures are always from the waist up?

Kris Jenner Needs a Salt Lick

Kris Jenner got dressed up like a deer and posted it on her Instagram. This is so when OJ goes on his next rampage she can just lie still in the dappled sunlight on the nearby forest floor and escape unharmed.

Selena Gomez is All Wet

Selena Gomez was spotted on a beach in Mexico looking like a wet 13 year old or one of those little Scottish dogs that look like they have a tiny little mustache even though she's 25 years old and human. The story was more concerned with a scar on her leg that was supposedly due to a kidney transplant surgery she had. I'm pretty sure your kidneys aren't in your leg, but I'm no doctor so who knows. Was she in Mexico for the transplant? That might be why they cut open her leg instead. If anyone from the border patrol is reading this, check Selena's right leg when she goes through customs, it could be full of drugs.

Salma Hayek is on a Boat

Salma Hayek posted this picture to her Instagram and needless to say I approve. That's it, this is the story I really don't know what else to say. I like purple?

Happy New New

The only resolution I made for 2018 was to write more here even though no one really reads it. It's a good outlet for me. Well, write more and win the lottery, although if I win the lottery I won't write anymore it's quite the conundrum.