Nicole Murphy is at the Beach

Eddie Murphy's ex-wife Nicole was on vacation in Thailand and posted some pictures on her Instagram and for that I'm thankful. The source story, which I'm not linking, made it a point to point out that she's 50 years old. Guess what. I do not care. I'd push your 25 year old ass down the stairs to get to her and I wouldn't lose a second's sleep over it. Unless you're actually hotter than her which at the moment seems unlikely but I could be tired, c'mon baby don't be like that you know the whole Nicole Murphy thing was just a mistake. Anyway, give me a call Nicole you know where I am.

Kid Rock Calls Joy Behar an Accurate Name

Kid Rock called Joy Behar a bitch and everyone is freaking out because the fact that Joy Behar is a bitch is shocking news to them I guess.

“This bitch and these bitches will be happy to have you on the show and have a beer,” Behar said, gesturing at the other women at the table.

“He’s gonna have to do better than beer with me,” co-host Ana Navarro replied. “If he’s gonna call you a bitch, the least he can do is show up here with Blue Label [scotch whiskey].”

I have a feeling being a guest on the view would be like being in the room in Jaws when Quint is scratching his nails on the chalk board only there's five Quints and no giant shark to swallow them all whole to end your misery. I don't even know why you're going on The View anyway.

Helen Flanagan Goes to the Beach

Another attractive woman in her late 20s went to the beach and pretended to go in the water, I imagine so she wouldn't mess up her hair or make up. Just imagine how much fun it is to be around her. Her name is Helene Flanagan and if you wondered why people are writing about her, it's because she's an attractive woman in her late 20s wearing a bikini at the beach. It's the magic of news aggregators I guess. I mean look, I wrote about her. But in my defense I love women in bikinis so at least I have an excuse.

So Long Sara Sampaio

Sara Sampaio went to the beach with her doughy boyfriend Joey "Flubber" Beckworth. I'm kidding I have no idea what his name is and I'm not bothering to find out. I have enough information in my head, I don't need his name in there taking space. I've written about her a couple of times before but I guess this is the last time. It's pretty obvious she isn't into tall, muscular, handsome, brilliant men and seems to prefer the dumpy, beer swilling, sports bar dweller. If that guy doesn't have at least one hockey jersey he wears at least once a week I'll eat my hat.

Tekashi 6ix9ine Faces Prison

Rapper, deep thinker, intellectual, and life time honorary member of The Algonquin Round Table, Tekashi 6ix9ine is facing life in prison for violating probation and (allegedly) offering to pay $30,000 for a hit on some guy named Tadpole or whatever the fuck his name is, along with various other criminal acts whatever they may be. I'm finished writing about this sub-moron so you can click the link and watch the story if you feel so compelled, but be forewarned, there's a lot of strong language. Or at least I think there is because I can't understand a word of what anyone says. He wants to be locked up for life and I say, so be it. Just give it to him. No one will miss him.

Amanda Holden is on a Beach

I know I haven't written anything lately and I'm sorry. Work gets in the way, there's nothing to write about and I don't want to force it, getting a nearly lethal cold and generally having a life can all interrupt the exciting life of a blogger. Especially one that's as grossly underpaid as me. And I'm not getting paid at all, so you can see the problem. And then one day out of the blue Amanda Holden shows up in the Maldives. She's famous in Britain (so not famous at all) and I'm not exactly sure for what reason, because what possible reason could there be, but who cares. She's famous in my heart and really that's the important thing. I'm sure she was probably there with her ridiculous husband and stupid kids (not pictured) but her having kids and an ex some day wouldn't bother me at all. I mean they'd be on the opposite side of the world from us as her and I start a new master race of beautiful people.

Rachel Wiesz is Devoted

Rachel Weisz - or however you spell it -  took the baby that she'll bite the head off of later during her set during the "Never Say Die" Black Sabbath tribute performance later tonight for a final walk.

Kat Von D in Space

Kat Von D took a stroll during a break from her duties taking care of the Rancor. Or maybe she's pregnant that's possible too I stopped paying attention to these tattoo people about the same time they stopped having 20 shows each about tattoo artists and poker players. What was the deal with that?

Ahoy Captian Ben

Ben Affleck took a break from acting and returned to his first true love as Commander of the Seas.  Or maybe he went back to rehab, I'm not the guy's baby sitter I don't care what he does.

Gone House

That was Robin Thicke's house after the wild fires in California. It's pretty amazing how it's just gone. Gone like it wasn't there. It's too bad really I feel sorry for them. I make fun of celebrity types a lot but that's not a good thing to happen to anyone. Even Robin Thicke.

Chrissy Teigen is a Winner

!!!!SEXY UPDATE!!!! I forgot to post this yesterday


Lots of stuff about the People's Choice Awards today I guess. So much so I have stuff I won't bother posting until tomorrow. Anyway, Chrissy Teigen was there too. She blew off cheerleading practice and the rest of the Mean Girls to attend the same People's Choice Awards as all the other semi-famous people, but she left early so she could get home to be shitty to strangers on the internet.

Busy Phillips Won Stuff

What awards show would be complete without Busy Phillips? I thought her grandparents were the people from the 60s folk rock group The Mamas and the Papas but I guess she's from Oak Park Illinois which isn't far from me, and I think I'd know if The Mamas and The Papas lived there, because it's all the old hippies in that garbage dump of a town would talk about. Oak Park is one of those places where you could be standing in front of your million dollar house raking leaves like like some 1950s dad, and if you cross the street you might get shot in the head for your imitation gold necklace. Don't believe me? Stop by and I'll drop you off over there. If you make it back alive I'll owe you a Coke.

Sarah Silverman is Punk

Sarah Silverman also attended The People's Choice Awards. No one mentioned if she was there with anyone but at least she took her sneer while wearing a dress that was designed by Cap'n Crunch.

Mila Kunis is a Winner

Mila Kunis was hypnotized and sent to The People's Choice Awards last night, probably for the "Still Around For Some Reason but No One is Really Sure Why" award. I think she's married to Ashton Kutcher but I can't be sure. Frankly I don't think she knows.

Chris Pratt is Fluffy

Chris Pratt was out with Katherine Schwarzenegger when he showed off what he's calling his "dad bod". I don't know where he was going probably to get nachos.

Larsa Pippen Isn't a Gold Digger

Larsa Pippen was married to former Chicago Bulls basketball player Scottie Pippen and now that she's divorced from him, she wants everyone to know she isn't a "gold digger". She started off her whirlwind public relations tour by showing up on the red carpet at a movie premier alone, after about $100,000 worth of plastic surgery , while wearing a vinyl dress and a diamond encrusted choker made up of the word "QUEEN" all while dressed like she was a stripper in a low rent gentleman's club but you know what? I believe her.  Maybe she isn't a gold digger. Maybe she just likes all that stuff ironically who can say.

Walkin the Dog

This entire story was about a series of pictures of two nobodies walking a dog and the man picking up poop. That's it. That's the whoooole thing. Christine and Frank Lampard? I have no idea. I know the election in the US is over and there isn't a bunch of other things to talk about in England, so I guess a story about dog walking is not to be unexpected. I bet my neighbors Phil and Martha will be walking their dog later if the Daily Mail gets a special correspondent on a plane RIGHT NOW they can be here in time. 189 people congratulated that person for telling that guy he did a good job picking up poop.

Melissa Gorga Does Stuff

I was going to write a gushing story about Melissa Gorga and her bikini until I saw the picture on the left later in the unlinked story and I figured I'd just leave these two in whatever garbage filled gutter they crawled out of.

Dua Lipa Has Legs

All this time I thought Dua Lipa was a brand of coffee or maybe yoga pants but nope, she's a person. You can bet I know who she is now though. For the time being anyway. She's an actress or maybe a singer. Please, I don't care that much.

James Corden Goes to a Basketball Game

James Corden was at a Lakers game with his son (who I cropped out of the picture because he's just a kid). Jesus.  Like proving Einstein's theory of an ever expanding universe, you can almost watch this guy get fatter.

Asshole Makes Fun of Injured Soldier

Pete Davidson, formerly known as Mr Ariana Grande, is in hot water for making fun of someone that's 10 times the man he'll ever be, and also lost an eye after an IED exploded in the war in Afghanistan. Any of which I would probably be mad about if I gave a shit about what Pete Davidson thought about anything but I guess everybody needs something to be mad about so here you go. And I wasn't going to bring it up, but since it's an issue now, what's with Pete's left eye? Just wondering.

Olivia and Danny Have Troubles

Olivia Culpo bought her boyfriend Danny a $12,000 Rolex for his birthday but he cheated on her so she's keeping it for herself despite the fact that it's a man's watch. She knows she can probably exchange that right? I assume that's her in the corner with the aforementioned "Danny", and yes, they look exactly like the kind of people that think Rolex is a classy watch ("Rolex the watch that comes with a bottle of Hennessy"). You know how you can tell? His way too tight ill fitting suit and her empty stare. I can only assume that's her hand in what I can only imagine is an Infinit QX80 or maybe a Range Rover. I've seen it 100 times before. I think she's a model but there was a wave of Olivia's in the early 2000s and they all look nearly identical so I mostly stopped keeping track.

Speaking of Voting

YAWN. Chelsea Handler posted a "topless" photo of herself on Instagram to encourage people to vote. I wonder what she'd say if her encouragement lead people to vote the opposite way she wants them too. I have to be honest I'm not sure exactly what her taking her clothes off  has to do with the other but I guess it worked because here I am talking about her even though with each passing day she becomes more and more irrelevant until eventually she'll collapse in on herself like a dying star creating a very, very, very  tiny black hole. She's dense enough already so why not.

Election Day is Coming

Please don't take political advice from Olivia Munn. Although I'm sure she's very nice.

Channing Tatum and Jessie J Make Babies

I'm sorry to report to you ladies that celebrity mongoloid Channing Tatum is officially dating "songstress" Jesse J who I remember had a middling hit from some time in the early 2000s. I don't remember the name of the song or how it went but I remember hearing it. I'm pretty sure she isn't that "Call Me Maybe" woman but she might be, what am I the Library of Congress?  For all I know she's bigger than Led Zeppelin now I can't be sure, I don't listen to shitty music. Listen, he was single for a while but you didn't move fast enough. You really have to be on your toes when a guy like that is single. He's a man of action. You might think I'm being a little harsh but don't worry I'm pretty sure he can't read this. Anyway, I hope they get married and have lots of kids where they can enjoy eating paste and mud together as one big happy family.