Blake Lively Looks Cool

 Blake Lively posted this to her Instagram and she looks super cool. Kind of like she stepped out of a 1970s ad for Johnny Walker or Virginia Slims or something. She's married to the most annoying man on the planet - Ryan Reynolds - and that guy has rubbed me the wrong way for 20 years so I can now honestly say we know why she has the towel wrapped around her waist. 

That doesn't help ladies... In fact it makes things worse. Trying to hide a huge fat ass with a towel is like trying to camouflage your car by painting it pink with huge yellow flames on it. It only draws attention to it. You're not fooling anyone. Sorry. 

I would have been more tactful about this news but you're the one that's married to Ryan Reynolds not me. 

Christine Baumgartner has Terrible Taste in Men

 I'm keeping a pretty close eye on Kevin Costner's soon to be ex-wife Christine. But not in a weird way or anything. This? This is the guy she went to Hawaii with?! This doughy, F150 driving dickhead? His name is "Josh" because what else would his name be. This picture was taken when they were on their way to get him some Oakleys.

Be careful Christine he's only dating you until you buy him a black full dress Harley Davidson Street Glide, so he can blast Motley Crue while he's riding it to that bar in Fox Lake. God I hate those fucking assholes.

Jennifer Garner Hits the Bench

 Jennifer Garner decided to walk to the "Ripping a Phone Book in Half" competition. She said it helped calm her down after mopping the floor with the sailors and Marines at the Arm Wrestling Challenge down at the wharf. I'm just teasing Jen please don't kill me. 

Happy Birthday Mick Jagger

 Mick Jagger turned 80, and he had a party at Notting Hill (?) where all the usual celebrities showed up. Luckily for them it was over by 3 o'clock so the rest of the day was theirs to do with as they wished. 

Some Rolling Stones songs are my favorite songs of all time so don't take this the wrong way but he's eight years older than my grandfather was when he died. I'm not trying to be a downer but I just want you all to prepare yourselves for the inevitable that could come at literally any moment.

Sinead O'Connor Dead

 Sinead O'Connor died. She was 56. I haven't seen anything about how, but she ripped up a picture of the Pope that one time so I bet she went straight to Hell.

Jennifer Lopez "Parties"

 It was Jennifer Lopez's 54th birthday and to celebrate she threw a party and danced on the table like a moronic 23 year old. This is the last straw. Honestly, I'm not writing about this woman anymore. Seriously, we're halfway through 2023 who gives a shit about Jennifer Lopez anymore. She should take her money and go retire to Sedona and paint pictures of vaginas or whatever it is old lesbians do when they retire.

You know what I did notice was missing from those pictures? Ben Affleck. If there's one thing I imagine you DO NOT do if you're involved in a relationship with Jennifer Lopez, is miss her birthday. Can you even imagine? This wasn't some spur of the moment hey let's have some fun party. I bet nothing Jennifer Lopez does is never not planned down to the last detail.  Including very heavily filtered pictures. 

My guess is divorce papers were already being drawn up earlier in the week and that's why he's not there. Or she killed him. There really is no other explanation.

Shakira Turns Red

 

 

Shakira got an award for something last week. I don't know what it was for because it can't be for her awful music, and I didn't actually read the story.  They said she looked "hot" in red and she does, but I ask you. So what? Do you know how many hot girls there are? Many, many millions. I've heard a little bit of her music but really know only one Shakira song and even that one is almost 20 years old. I don't know how she dragged one hit into a nearly 20 year career but I guess Guns N' Roses did it for 30 so it just works that way sometimes.

Still Salma

 Tired of Salma Hayek in a bikini yet? I'm sure not. Listen this is going to be one of those weeks where I'm working my other job a lot so I'll have very little access to a PC and I'm not doing this horseshit on a phone. I swear though I'll do my best. 

Christine Baumgartner is Free as a Bird

 Kevin Costner's soon to be ex-wife Christine Baumgartner went to the beach. I have no opinion about Kevin Costner one way or the other. He was in a movie I liked called Fandango, otherwise all I currently like about him is his ex-wife. 

You can only pray you'll look this good when you're 49 years old. You don't look this good now, what do you think is going to happen in 10 or 20 or 30 years?  I don't know either but this doesn't happen by magic and I promise it isn't going to be pretty, and I can bet you won't be walking around in a bikini that's for damn sure.

 

 

 

Sofia Vergara is Perverted?

Sofia Vergara is finally getting divorced. And it's about time I say. She's in her 50s now so this is going to go one of two ways. She'll turn into a rich old lady that carries a little dog with her everywhere she goes, or she'll become a huge sexual pervert. Let's see how smart you are and try to guess which one I'm rooting for. Give me a call Sofia. The usual number.

Ben and Jen Celebrate Being Horrible Together

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez celebrated their one year wedding anniversary and I have no idea why anyone gives a shit. I don't even remember when this was taken, sometime last week I think but I saved this and really didn't want to write about these two idiots so it just sat in the draft section this whole time.  

 These two look like the most miserable people in the world. You don't have to walk around giggling like an imbecile or anything but c'mon. And they always look like that. No matter what. Imagine having a combined net worth of nearly a half a billion dollars and you walk around 24 hours a day looking like you're about to yell at the neighbor kid for walking on your grass.  I don't even know how they got all that money because as far as I know at this point they're pretty much only known for being married to each other. What was the last Ben Affleck, or Jennifer Lopez movie you actually saw? Exactly.

The Skinny on Christina Hendricks

 Christina Hendricks lost a lot of weight and some people are mad about it. I don't know why you'd be mad about someone else's personal life choices but that's the world we live in today. Listen, the show she was on went off the air like, 10 years ago, and unless they paid her $250 million dollars (they didn't) whatever money she made from that HAS to be running out because just living is expensive. Throw in a mortgage on a house you probably couldn't afford even when you were actually on TV (for appearances)  and a couple mid-priced cars now you got real troubles, so just let her do whatever makes her happy okay? 

Dua Lipa is Plastic

Dua Lipa is still attractive. I've still never heard a single note of her music and there is no way in the world you're going to make me. I don't care if she walks around a WalMart naked, which I assume is the next step in this progression. I think it depends on album sales I'm sure there's a formula.

 

Gwyneth Paltrow TOPLESS

 

 

Gwyneth Paltrow posted what was described as a "topless" selfie, which again is technically true I guess, but it's sort if like putting on a hat and saying... I don't know where I was going with that but you get the idea. 

Anyway, the whole point was to show off her "horrific sun damage" she's apparently suffered after years of living in sunny California as a jobless trust fund baby. But if I were her I'd be a lot more concerned about those chicken wings she calls arms. Women can lift weights you know, you won't get huge like a body builder, you don't have enough testosterone, so you can't get really big don't worry. That's just science.  Unless play-doh arms are what you're going for then by all means keep up the good work.

Sofia Vergara is Popular

Sofia Vergara celebrated reaching 30 million followers on Instagram by putting on a swim suit. I wonder how an attractive woman with big tits that likes to walk around in swim suits and bikinis got 30 million followers. The universe is a mysterious place indeed.

Margot Robbie Sees Red

 Margot Robbie went out and did something while wearing a red dress. Pretty neat huh? Where's your mask, idiot.

Harry Styles is Still Daring

 Harry Styles is still walking around doing this. You'd think being famous for being a man dressing like a girl (?) would have a pretty short shelf-life but he's still dragging it out. I don't know how much mileage you get out of this but apparently it's a lot. In fact I know him more for this than I do for his music, which, I've never actually heard. For all I know he gets up on stage in an evening gown and screeches like a howler monkey for 105 minutes and judging by you idiot's taste in music I'm sure that's exactly what happens.

 

Salma Hayek is GDHDVBnjcgdfgfju

Salma Hayek posted this picture on her Instagram account to celebrate National Bikini Day whenever that was. I think it was like five days ago but oh my God who cares. This is shocking.  I'm sure someone mentioned her age and then said how she looks good for her age which is the biggest backhanded compliment I can think of, so you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to start telling people they look bad for their age. As in, "Wow you're 26? You look pretty bad for your age". And let's face it they probably do. Unlike me and Salma, you can only wish you looked as good as us at any age.