Britney is Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs

 Huh. Imagine that. If only there was some kind of... I don't know... maybe something like hiring somebody or have someone from her family - like her dad - watch over her and her legal and financial affairs. Maybe something like a conservatorship. I wonder why they don't just do that

More proof that listening to people from the internet is a gigantic mistake. I really don't know how to make it any more clear. Easily 85% of the people on this thing are mentally retarded. And I mean that by the old school 1970s definition. Special classes and simple assembly jobs in a factory to keep their hands and minds occupied instead of handing them a computer that can have sweeping effects on civilization and people like you and me 

Bridget Fonda Loses Weight

 

Bridget Fonda is losing weight. Who cares, you might say to yourself and you'd be right. But I know how this happened. Bridget Fonda saw the pictures. I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm saying that because I've been there.

 Let me explain really quick.

 I don't remember exactly how old I was, but I was pretty young. Either still in high school or the few years after. If I remember, it was the first few years after. My friends called me "Bitch Tits" and "Fat Back" and stupid, teenaged, shit like that. It was from too much beer and shitty fast food etc. etc., you know the drill. The insidious thing is, you don't really notice it. You just think they're hassling you or whatever. I don't remember what triggered me to fix this problem - honestly I try to not think about it too much -  but I guarantee it was external. I think it was when I signed up for karate classes shortly before or just after my 18th birthday. I don't remember how it happened but that's a rough time frame. 

 Maybe I saw a reflection in the mirror, or maybe the instructor (Bill was his name) said something, honestly I don't remember, but it was like being hit by lightning and I think I vowed to fix the problem that I didn't even really know that I had. 

So that's how some people get into that kind of situation. I imagine it's a lot easier to wind up in a place where you're fat and lazy, and make no mistake, barring some medical condition that's what it is, and I know that because remember, I was there. And I imagine it's especially easy if you come from a world famous acting dynasty, have a bunch of yes men and people pleasers surrounding you along with a bunch of kids and have untold millions of dollars at your disposal. Will she ever go back to 25 year old Bridget Fonda? Maybe. Probably not, but she's only 61 so trying to get back to that can only do her a lot of good. Not only for her health but for how she sees herself. Trust me. I know.

Jessica Simpson Wears the Hat in the Family

 

I'm only writing about Jessica Simpson again because I love girls in cowboy hats and I have no idea why. Most any hat really, I know it's kind of weird. Also I LOVE that 1940's net thing. You know what I mean? You see it in old movies where some lady who's in mourning or at a funeral or something is wearing one. It was connected to their hat somehow? I don't know but I'm sure you know what I'm talkig about if you aren't 13 years old. I can't explain it, it's probably something sexual, it usually is.

This was connected to a story about how she grew up poor because her dad only made $30,000 a year. Oh the horror. Can you imagine?  Just $30,000 a year? For shame. And this is when she was little so what, 1991? 1995?  Actually $30,000 in 1995 was not that bad. You couldn't retire on it or anything but you could also buy a decent used car in 1995 for $2000. 

 And trust me. Jessica Simpson is from Texas and she's hot enough that she was never going to have to worry about money, whether or not she became famous. Listen, let's face it. It may not be fair but hot blondes with porn star bods and big boobs are seldom seen starving in the street. And if you see one let me know because I'd like to help

 

Kristen Bell is Mean and NAKED

 

Kristen Bell said something kind of stupid on social media. What a surprise. She wrote this under a photograph of her husband on Instagram that she posted for their anniversary...

'Happy 12th wedding anniversary to the man who once said to me: "I would never kill you. A lot of men have killed their wives at a certain point. Even though I'm heavily incentivized to kill you, I never would.'

 Social media is a plague in humanity and will usher in a new Dark Age where everyone will suffer and the nitwits in Europe that are drunk by 4:30 pm and foreign teenagers living in countries where they shit in a hole in the floor of their dining room and eat rice with their hands aren't happy about what she said.

  Was it a stupid thing to say? I don't know, I'm not the word police and Instagram has far surpassed 4Chan as the absolute worst place on the internet so I would never use Instagram as a measuring stick for anything.

 In terms of drag racing, Instagram is a 10,000 horsepower rear engine dragster, and 4Chan is a Bugatti Veyron. They're both fast but in a drag race it's not a contest. The dragster wins every time. 

I have an idea, it'll be 2026 in a couple of months, if you have intermittent electricity or no indoor plumbing where you live, maybe get off of Instagram and start fixing some of that shit before you get mad at what some person that doesn't even know you're alive says. Especially if your power will suddenly go out during the summer monsoons.  

 I'm not protecting Kristen Bell. She'll never see this, and she doesn't know I'm a person on Earth. I'm just really starting to hate social media, but I've always loved Kristen Bell so she can say whatever she wants to me, and the dirtier the better. I still don't understand how or when she morphed into "Everyone's favorite housewife" so that's kind of super weird to me, but we can work through this together.

Scarlett Johansson Sex Toys

I was going to write about Scarlett Johanssen or however the fuck you spell her name but I decided against it because no one gives a shit. Here she is getting an award for something that looks like a giant sex toy you might see in porno movies or1970s horror snuff films. 

Good job Scarlet, I hope you enjoy your award for "Slowly Turning into a Hot Target Employee"

Sexy Site Update

 Sorry, I know I keep blowing this off, and the posts are mostly hit or miss but it's not you it's me. Well, it's mostly you. You don't read this enough for me to keep writing two or three stories a day. You think that's easy? Actually it is but it's time consuming and I'd much rather look at pictures of hot naked girls on the internet than write stories about what Sabrina Carpenter was wearing to the movies for the eighth time. So really if you think about it, me not being here is pretty much all your fault. 

 Speaking of hot naked girls, that Jennifer Aniston picture was attached to a story about her not having kids, or wanting kids or telling people to have kids or some shit who knows. I don't know how much of that picture is photo shopped (some at least) and frankly I don't care. She's fucking hot pretty much no matter what

I promise I'm looking for stuff to write about 

Sami Sheen is Back

 I know I said I wasn't going to write about Sami Sheen anymore (daughter of Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen), but I saw that picture and well... I kind of feel like I'm being forced. And can you blame me?

It was attached to a story about her discussing all the plastic surgeries she had done and frankly, I didn't bother reading the list because I just assume she looked at the plastic surgery menu and just said "Yes". I'm guessing if you can get it done, she's had it done. But here's the problem with that. They listed her age as 21. That is not a 21 year old woman. Unless she had the "Age Reversing Minus 15" procedure because that woman is 35. 

I've made my position on "cosmetic enhancements" of any kind and a person's chronological age abundantly clear. If you have the money and you want to do it, do it. I can't think of any reason to not improve yourself as you may see fit. But why would you if it ages you 10-12 years? You have to think ahead a little bit and 10 years sounds like a lot but it's not. 10 years goes by in the blink of an eye. Just think about where you were 10 years ago. High School? College? It seems like yesterday doesn't it? It wasn't. It was 10 years ago.

 And some people lately are objecting to pink/purple/green hair but I still dig it man. And so for the time being Sami Sheen is back and believe me. I'm watching for her (because she's 35 now). 

Linda Evangelista is Fashionably Nude

 Linda Evangelista turned 60 at some point and then flew to Paris for what appears to be yet another "fashion week".  How many of these fucking things do they need? You buy a shirt or some pants and move on with your life, who could possibly give a fuck about any of this? It's just totally baffling to me. 

Anyway, I only mentioned her age because the original story mentioned her age because you people seem to be obsessed with how old people are which seems like a really weird thing to me.  But she's 60 now and still looks good. If you don't know who Linda Evangelista is, she was a super model in the late 80s early 90s. You know, Cindy Crawford, Claudia Schiffer etc., etc. 

They were absolutely everywhere on everything doing everything. They were like a rash, and you couldn't get away from them. And this was all pre-internet so you can't imagine how bad it was. But now she's older and looks like a drug dealing villainess from a James Bond movie which, I'll be honest, that's about as hot as anything I can imagine  

Have fun at fashion week, get me a new Social Distortion t-shirt would you?