Aubrey Plaza Sees You

 This started out as a story about Aubrey Plaza who I haven't written about in a while because she seems incredibly boring even for a girl I would probably really like, even if I do think she probably has a screw loose,  but then I remembered it was about her attending New York Fashion Week and I'm not writing about that anymore because nobody on Earth cares.

On the other hand the newest fashion for this year seems to be "Early 80s East German Spy" and you're definitely getting no argument from me on that. Do you have ways of making me talk? Let's try some of them later

 

Apple Martin Gets a New Face

 

Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter Apple Martin listed all the cosmetic producers she's had done. The fact that she has a list is pretty amazing considering she's 21 years old.  

 I didn't really see any sort of actual "list" by the way, they're just being coy because I guess they think that's cute. I assume number one on her list was "The Alien From the End of Close Encounters of the Third Kind Facial Procedure". I bet that wasn't cheap. Normally I would consider the children of celebrities hands off, but she's 21 and broadcasting all of this herself to her "fans". Whoever they are.

 Again you need to understand, I have zero issues with any kind of self improvement whatsoever, and if I've said it once I've said it 1000 times. If I had the money so much of me would be fake you'd think I was a robot, but you should probably wait until you're at least in your mid-30s, otherwise I have a feeling she's going to look like a Halloween pumpkin in late November buy the time she hits her 40s. That stuff does not last forever and in fact some of it only lasts about 10 years or so.  

Who knows maybe by the time her head starts looking like a candle that was left in the sun they'll have come up with more permanent solutions but 10 years flies by so I wouldn't count on it, so while your mom still has money make sure you put a couple hundred grand in a separate account somewhere now, because baby you're gonna need it.

Hillary Duff Tours NUDE

 

Hillary Duff announced a new world tour for 2026. Why, you ask? I don't know what are you asking me for, what am I Svengoolie? 

The 38-year-old former Disney Channel star will visit seven countries for the world tour, which kicks off June 22 in West Palm Beach, FL and concludes February 12, 2027 in Mexico City, MX. Duff's opening acts are all led by women - English synth-pop act La Roux as well as Canadian crooners Lauren Spencer Smith and Jade LeMac.

Wow.... sounds.... good?

Seeing this story I have to admit this is the first time I've thought about Hillary Duff in at least 10 years, I don't know why these people don't just take their piles of money and retire to Arizona or Lake Tahoe or something, I just do not get it. Why would you want to be on an eight month world tour at 40?

I suppose I'm not the target demographic for this so what do I know. Obviously she needs the money or something. 

On the other hand, I once saw an interview with Rob Halford, the singer for 80s heavy metal band Judas Priest where he talked about a tour they did, and after expenses they made ZERO money. So they broke even. Basically they did it for free. And at one point Judas Priest was about as big as you get, selling 50 million albums, and this was before the internet and Spotify. Way bigger than Hillary Duff, so that's a thing that happens too. 

Good luck with your world tour Hillary Duff I hope you have a good time I won't be there. Cut your overhead and watch your expenses

 

Britney Spears NUDE

 Good lord Britney Spears was so hot. Unfortunately she's 20 years old in that picture so I guess I'm kind of gross. Can that be right? Not the gross part I know that's right, I mean, was she 20 in 2001? How old was I? Am I in the future? 

Okay I mostly wrote this because Britney Spears in very little clothing and high heeled boots dancing with a snake is way more likely to get clicked on than another story about Zac Efron 

No one born after 2001 has even the slightest idea what kind of world they missed.

BREAKING JESSICA SIMPSON NEWS!

 She dyed her hair brown. I like brown hair even though honestly as a guy I don't really have a preference. It all depends on the girl. There are a couple photographs at the original story, I mean it's not brown, brown, it's more of a brown. You know what I mean? There's also mention from her "fans" how she's "aging backwards" as if she was 102 and not 45. Of course all of this comes from Instagram, which is only slightly worse than reading a hand scribbled tale of the Middle Ages written in crayon by an 11 year old with an IQ of 47. Most of Instagram's users seem to be either 77 year old Boomers that still wake up every day in 1969, and 13 year olds that basically think it's funny to say "poop" on the internet.

You guys are aware that probably at least half the comments on Instagram are AI chat bots, you do know that right? You don't have to believe me, just follow any single tool manufacturing account like Gear Wrench or something over there and see how often their posts are flooded by Snap-On tool fans. I realize Snap-On fans are basically retarded but nobody has that kind of time. 

Anyway, Jessica looks good with brown hair. Jessica looks good with blonde hair. Jessica would look good with red hair. Jessica would probably look good with no hair - which by the way I kind of actually like on girls - so it wasn't exactly this huge risk for her. Keep up the good work Jessica. The good work of having brown hair

Zac Ephron is Alive and Well

 Zac Ephron is still alive and he was "spotted" somewhere with an America's Got Talent finalist (?) named Angelina, last name uknown

They had other pictures of her walking around with her cookie cutter Instagram friends all wearing sunglasses on a cloudy day doing whatever 20 year olds do nowadays. Probably gas station boner pills or whatever. 

 I was looking for new people to write about, who knew it was going to be some 40 year old dude that was dating a 21 year old future nobody but this is the life I chose

 

Emily Ratajkowski NUDE

Emily Ratatouille went shopping in New York so she took some selfies to prove it. She has a nice stomach and she's very attractive but also obviously very stupid.  And I know that because you don't have to go to New York for everything anymore. That may have been the case 140 years ago, but they have a Nordstrom everywhere these days. 

  Even way out here in the middle of nowhere Chicago we have pizza, hot dogs, and every kind of store you could imagine. Even "bodegas".  We just call them convenience stores, since you can basically go grocery shopping in gas stations now so I don't really know why they think "bodegas" are anything special.  There are four WalMarts, three Home Depots and one of the largest shopping malls on Earth with nearly 300 different stores all within 20 minutes of where I live and I don't even know how many Goodwills and various second hand stores and pawn shops. Plus everything you buy in 2026 basically comes out of one of the same 10 factories in China so you New York people need to shut the fuck up for a while everyone is sick of your shit.

The Skinny on Amy Schumer

 Amy Schumer lost 50 pounds. "Thank God I can finally fit into my Polish truck driver tracksuit" she was overheard saying to a friend. 

She was carrying a bag full of gummy bears to help curb cravings. What they don't mention is that's her seventh bag.

There was a lot of other pointless information in the original story and none of it mentioned whether or not she was still an unfunny joke thief so I stopped reading 

 

 

Chappell Roan is Shocking NUDE

 I wasn't going to write about The Grammy Awards because, not only does no one care at all, they happened on Sunday which already feels like a month ago. Like I said I wasn't going to write about them and then Rochell Oan or Chapmann Roan or whatever her name is showed up wearing this ridiculous dress. 

Women that think they're sexy don't wear a one or two inch heel. We all know that. Four inches is the minimum, otherwise you just look like an 11 year old that's dressed up for Easter. You're nearly 30, grow up. And the shoes are the least of her worries.

The only reason this dress is "shocking" is because it's so stupid. I'm sure she wore it to protest something but I don't know what. It just looks bad. Someone with better tits and body would have likely pulled this off in a more substantial way but Chapman simply doesn't have the body for this. The reason Jennifer Lopez' dress at the Grammys in 2000 worked is because she (mostly) looked hot in it. And Jennifer Lopez was still a raging star at that point whereas Chappell Roan has a pretty limited appeal. With average sounding music and looks, it's just something you've all heard so many times before.

Either way I hope she got the attention she wanted because people talked about this until almost the following Tuesday morning. 

By the way, Google Images was basically invented because of Jennifer Lopez' Grammy dress, so I'm sorry it didn't really work out for you Chapman Roll

Jennifer Lawrence is That You?

They said this is Jennifer Lawrence but I have my doubts. I saved this story days and days ago and never got around to reading it or writing about it so I have zero idea what it was about and now you don't have to know either. I'm taking their word for it that that's actually her and not her reptilian replacement. 

 I will say however that my attitude toward Jennifer Lawrence has taken a 180 degree turn and maybe, just maybe she isn't as awful as I originally thought.You know what might change my mind? Some nudes. Or maybe even a video. I know she's older and has kids now but that's the very definition of MILF. Maybe that's what signaled my change in attitude but I have no idea, who am I Sigmund Freud?

Kylie Jenner Bikini Nude

 Animated, rubber faced, latex sex doll Kylie Jenner put on a bikini and sat around. I can't believe you're still talking about these Jenner/Kardashian people. You know who's still talking about them? People in England. Fashions move from West to East, so celebrities and fashion that's popular in California takes 3-6 years to reach the East Coast, and apparently 25 years to reach the UK. People in England are just now getting Affliction shirts. 

You know who you remind me of? Those frazzled old Boomers that still complain about Richard Nixon like the guy hasn't been dead for 30 years. Get with it grandpa, the Vietnam War ended 50 years ago.

 

Danica Patrick BIKINI NUDE.

Oh look, Danica Patrick. In a bikini. What a... surprise. I won't lie though, I'm glad she did this. And I like a girl with a nice stomach like that. Almost like a fitness model. But that's the limit. Anymore than that and things would start to get weird and uncomfortable for me.
 

 

 

Nicole Scherzinger BIKINI NUDE

 I thought I'd try to be better about staying on top of this in 2026. Why? For no reason, just to do it I guess, just like always. It's pathetic but it's a hobby. 

So I thought I'd come back with a story about a girl in a bikini. Nicole Scherzinger. She's attractive and has a nice body and goes on vacation a lot. That's it. She doesn't do anything else. She's not interesting in any other way, this is all she has to offer anyone. I've been seeing stories about Nicole Scherzinger on the internet for at least 10 years and this is it. She doesn't save animals, she doesn't travel to jungles and find lost cities, she doesn't go sky diving, collect art or talk about WWII... this is it. 

I hope these hot, famous women I've been reading abut since the 1990s are more interesting in real life then they are on gossip websites, but I'm starting to get the idea that they aren't. I can't imagine how awful it would be to be married to her or even just living with her.

Have you ever been to the beach? I have. I lived in Florida. You see that picture in the header? That's the beach. There's sand and there's water. That's it. Sand and water. And also A LOT of very fat people in less clothes than you ever wanted to see, only now they're wearing Crocs too. You have to find a place to park, you have to do a lot of walking, plus there's a very real possibility you could be swept away by a rip current and drown. It happens every day. Just trust me if you haven't been to the beach you aren't missing anything 

Anyway, Nicole Scherzinger in a bikini. Yadda yadda.