Zilda Williams Enjoys Sun and Sand

I got distracted and ran out of time so here's a pointless story about some Instagram celebrity or whatever she is named Zilda Williams and her boobs in the standard red bikini. I'm sure she'll achieve great success at whatever she does. Probably "modeling" on Instagram or wherever these idiots go. I'll write more Pulitzer Prize worthy content later I swear so stay with me.

Lisa Rinna Does Things

I've been a little distracted with the holiday and all and I haven't written too much so I'd just like to point out that Lisa Rinna is 53 years old. I don't even remember why she's famous. I guess for being married to Harry Hamlin but I don't remember why he's famous either. I know he was in Clash of the Titans, or maybe he was on Dallas. Or Chico and the Man? I don't know, if you're interested check Google or IMDB and if you do let me know. Okay, well, talk to you soon.

Joanna Krupa is a Mannequin

Remember how I said I was going to write about Joanna Krupa more? Well, I wasn't lying. The BIG EXCITING JOANNA KRUPA NEWS OF THE DAY is, she did the mannequin challenge. Naked. So she officially wins the mannequin challenge. And if you think the usual Instagram comments are bad you should read the ones on this little picture. So as usual I used somebody that has me blocked on Twitter to cover them up. Oh by the way there's also a Instagram video on her account but I didn't watch more than eight or 10 times before I figured out it's basically just like the static picture.

Diane Guerrero Does Stuff

This is Diane Guerrero. She's on Orange is the New Black I guess, but I couldn't find her name when I Googled it. And I saw her on some cooking show with some celebrity chef named Bobby Flay who I guess is also from Chicago? I have no idea about that either, the whole idea of a celebrity chef is mind boggling to me. I don't even know why I was watching it.  Anyway, I saw her on that show and decided to write about her. But I've never seen Orange is the New Black either so aside from being extremely cute I know nothing about her. Her name is Diane and judging by her last name, Guerrero, is of Hispanic descent, which, by the way, is just fine with me. And according to Google, she was born in 1986, and is 5' 2" tall. Well there ya go I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Andie MacDowell at FA Ywood

The New York Daily News asked Andie MacDowell what she's thankful for and she said...

"I’m thankful that my ass still looks good at 58!”

Good. I'm glad her ass still looks good because the rest of her looks like the guy that got eaten by that spider in Arachnophobia. 

Sophie Monk is Classy

Is Sophie Monk a porn star? She's dressed like a porn star. Somebody please tell me she's a porn star.

Anne Hathaway Needs a Prince

If a cartoon deer ever sprung to life and jumped out of a children's book to search for love,  I bet it would look like Anne Hathaway. You only have two moon cycles to find your prince, you better hurry!

Isla Fisher's Family is Dumb

Isla Fisher (left) says her own family confuses her with Amy Adams because her whole family is apparently full of dimwits that can't recognize their own relatives despite the fact that Isla Fisher...oh man Isla Fisher is 40?! I swear to God I thought she was like 25. I'm sorry for making fun of your family baby, it was just shenanigans. Let me make it up to you with a massage.

Sean Penn Sits for the Camera

Here's noted humanitarian and woman beater Sean Penn looking pretty much like the gargoyle he is. He sort of looks like David Bowie's character in "Labyrinth" if that character had washed up on a beach somewhere after falling off of a ship a week earlier.

!!!!!BREAKNG NEWS!!!!!

Britney Spears is going to a slumber party or something. I have no idea what any of that means but I like where this is headed.

Jennifer Lopez is at the Latin Grammys

Jennifer Lopez was at the Latin Grammys - whatever those are -  and she stuffed herself into a body suit? Overalls? I'm not sure what this thing is called. What most people don't realize is she's actually modeling 3M's new line of indestructible zippers. I can just imagine the scene in the dressing room where two assistants are pressing her as hard as they can up against a wall while a third used both hands and a pair of pliers to get that thing closed. "If you guys don't get this thing closed so help me Jesus I'll cut you" she probably said while doing that thing with her neck like a black girl does when she gets mad.

Diane Keaton

Diane Keaton's ghost showed up at the L'Oreal Women of Worth awards probably to scare everyone. But I have to be honest Diane, you're not very scary in your quirky hat/glasses combo. Unless that scarf is hiding a noose scar. That would be kind of scary. I guess.  Hey look man, I'm trying to come with stuff about a woman that was famous about 40 years ago in the 70's okay? So gimme a break.

Emma Watson in Front of a Bush

Emma Watson is famous for "Harry Potter and the Blood Stone of the Nerds" or whatever she was in, and also a bunch of other crap I'll never see. With all that Hollywood star power I don't understand why she has to break into her grandmother's attic to play with her haunted clothes. "Teddy was late for the tea party again! Naughty Teddy." she says, nailing his stuffed animal feet to the roof joist in the attic while Rupert the Elephant and Pablo Penguin look on in horror. Take it easy Emma this is America we don't understand all of your tea rules. Someone give her a job already, sheesh.

Thanksgiving is Next Week

The people at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade started testing their floats by inflating a Kourtney Kardashian balloon a little early. It looks like 10 pounds of silly putty stuffed into a four pound bag. They probably shouldn't include a word like ass, little kids will be seeing this and hopefully not gouging out their own eyes afterward. 

Bon Jovi Is Numero Uno

Bon Jovi's new album is number 1 on the Billboard charts after selling 129,000 copies. I have no idea why this is news. Probably because most people are surprised that 129,000 people still like Bon Jovi.

Lady in Red

Well the election is finally over and most of the world has calmed down after two or three days, save for a small percentage of lunatics that haven't been able to refill their prescriptions this week. So in celebration of all that, I found a picture of Kate Beckinsale who put on a red dress and decided to take her big foot to some Golden Globes event. I hope hey had a nice time together. But as the smoke clears more and more, I'll probably be able to find more celebrities doing whatever it is they do and we'll live, and love and laugh again. By the way Kate, forget what I said about calling me. No, no! It has nothing to do with your weird feet I swear I'm just really busy that's all.

Kristy Swanson Does things

I accidentally discovered Kristy "Vampire Slayer" Swanson's Instagram account. I'm not really sure how because I was avoiding all the usual places I look for stories because apparently there was some kind of election and some people are - shall we say - disappointed with the result so I just tried to avoid that whole swamp all together, and figured I 'd just try again tomorrow. But she's still pretty hot and from what I can tell as I scrolled through her account looking for bikini pictures that she rides motorcycles and there isn't anything much hotter than a woman riding a motorcycle. Well, except for me riding a motorcycle but that's a totally different story and I think we'll all just let Kristy decide for herself if that's true as we ride off into the sunset together on our "hogs". That's biker lingo for motorcycle for all of you that don't know. Call me Kristy we can pop some wheelies and jump some sweet ramps. None of that was meant as a double entendre by the way.

Kendra Has a New 'Doo

Noted cutie Kendra Wilkinson was photographed leaving a hair salon shortly after demanding the "Frazzled Mom" hairdo. She was immediately whisked away in a minivan and headed straight for Target to pick up a few things.

Carmen Electra?

Carmen Electra posted a selfie of, well, herself on her Instagram "without" any make up on. Being all man I really wouldn't know if she had any make up on or not. What I do know is, if she isn't wearing any make up she looks pretty much exactly like Chelsea Handler so that pretty much finishes it for me. How would you like to wake up next to Chelsea Handler everyday. Personally I'd rather wake up next to a fully functioning air raid siren every day but hey, whatever floats your boat I guess.

Bradley Cooper is a Gumball Machine

BRADLEY. COOPER. IS. A SPACEMAN. It's funnier in your head if you do it in that monotone robot voice. Later in the afternoon he had his mom baby pin a towel around his neck and he jumped off of the garage roof even though she told him to stop doing that. The whole idea behind that body armor is, it's supposed to protect you in the event of a crash or I guess, flying debris. Normally it slips into a pocket of a leather or nylon jacket. That chest plate as he's wearing it is seems virtually useless. Unless he's meeting the gang over at the sandlot for a game of stick ball.

Demi Lovato Does This

Oh...um...Hi Demi Lovato. It's November 4th so I'm not sure what this is for. I assume not Halloween? Does it matter? No. No it doesn't. That big bed looks awful lonely baby. Maybe try one of those giant pillows that make it seem like you're in bed with another person. My friend said he loves his. I put Jennifer Aniston's face on it. WAIT! I mean HE did. The guy is a total frigin weirdo.

Jennifer Lawrence is Dating Again

America's Sweetheart, Jennifer Lawrence, or is that Sandra Bullock? No I think it's Jennifer's turn this year, is dating Darren Aronofsky. Why? I have no idea. It can't be because he's rich, I mean, SHE'S rich. So your guess is as good as mine.

 The couple's romance allegedly blossomed over the summer on the set of an untitled movie shot by the father-of-one. They were first seen enjoying an intimate dinner in August

 Whatever. I'm sick of trying to decipher all the goings on in the female mind. I'm older than Jennifer Lawrence, why won't she date me ? By the looks of that picture I'd say I'm probably much, much to handsome for her. That Darren guy looks like he got stuffed into a lot of lockers. Probably as recently as last week.

Me Wear Suit. Grab Pretty Girl.

Jenna Dewan attended the Fulfillment Fund Stars Gala in Los Angeles, with her husband, noted scientist, and narrow eyed hunchback Channing Tatum. I have a feeling con-men thrive in Los Angeles by making up fake fundraisers so dimwitted celebrities can show up and hand over all of their money. "Fulfillment Fund Stars Gala"? I mean c'mon man, that doesn't even sound real.  And I always thought Channing Nedham probably talked like Tarzan when he wasn't repeating a script. "Me have chicken and banana" he tells the exasperated waitress while stabbing at the menu with his thumb. Meanwhile Jenna is trapped in the stairwell when she tried to find the bathroom to make sure her make up still made her look like she wasn't so dead behind the eyes. Yes, Hollywood sounds like a magical Wonderland.

Jennifer Aniston is on a Couch

Here's Jennifer Aniston in glasses at something called the Office Christmas Party panel at EW PopFest on Sunday. And that last sentence may as well have contained the chemical breakdown of Uranium 235 for all the sense it made to me. And by the way, I've also decided to turn this into a Jennifer Aniston tribute page. Here she is wearing glasses. Here's Jen mowing her lawn. Here's Jennifer walking her dog. Here's what Jennifer Aniston looks like through binoculars behind those new blinds she got on her windows. You know, things like that.

Johnny Depp what?

 The actor is set to star in the sequel to the Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them franchise, along with making a reported cameo in the first film. As the news broke Tuesday night, fans had a lot to say about Depp's involvement in the wizarding world.

Normally I try to put all block quotes in the middle of these posts so you have to read what I write first to get to them, and by that time BAM! It's too late and you have to read it all the way through. It's like mind control. I AM CONTROLLING YOUR MIND.  But I did that one first so somebody could explain to me what any of that means. What is Fantastic Beasts? Why do people get upset over every little thing they do with these comic book movies? I can only assume it's a comic book movie because that's all anyone seems to make anymore. This is what that blurb looked like to me when I read it. Blurb haha...

Johnny Depp is going to star in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them which is great news for anyone that knows what the fuck The Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them is.

SEXY UPDATE!

Like any good investigative journalist I actually read some of the story and it turns out Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them has something to do with Harry Potter which I wasn't aware of because I'm not 11 years old and I also know girls. Have fun arguing about this you sorry bunch of virgins.

Gwyneth Paltrow is in Command

Gwyneth Paltrow was also at the same Gucci film festival as Zoe Saldana but Gwyneth went dressed as  23rd Century space commander Lord Xeris. Why is she there alone? You'd think an attractive powerful Commandant Space Leader like her could get her own French vampire boyfriend. It's lonely at the top I guess. Do you think those shoulder brushes are separate? Or are they sewn onto the uniform. All she needs is a Nazi officer's hat and she instantly becomes a fetish model. Which, by the way, would be fine with me. Call me back Gwyn.

Johnny Rotten Has Holidays in the Sun. And a Volvo.

Johnny Rotten looks like a gay art gallery salesman now.  A snotty, gay art gallery salesman. As if there's another kind. It seems so odd that he owns a Volvo.