Al Pacino Eats Fear

 In a continuation of Halloween posts, Al Pacino's fat ghost ripped itself free from his mortal body so he could stake out new territory to haunt later on. I admit this wasn't very good but I'm tired and I have other shit to do

Who Framed Mariah Carey

 Mariah Carey stuffed 15 pounds of fertilizer into a 5 pound bag and dressed up like Jessica Rabbit for Halloween. Yes Jessica Rabbit. The cartoon character from a movie that came out in 1988. 

This is such a boomer thing to do. This would be the same thing as Rob Reiner dressing up like Richard Nixon or something. I don't understand why you people never let this shit go and just move on with your lives.

Kelly Osbourne is Hauntingly Beautiful

 

The Ghost of Kelly Osbourne broke free from it's shackles and wandered the streets of L.A. looking for more souls to steal. Or maybe she's trying to lure ships into the rocks near the shore I don't know for sure. You should know I saved this like a week ago and never got around to writing anything about it so she wasn't even dressed up for Halloween yet.

 

 

 

David Schimmer is Protected

 People are interested in David Schwimmer again, and all it took was Matthew Perry's death. There was no real substance to this, because no one seemed to bother to even ask him any questions about anything but he's wearing a mask so I don't know why nobody asked him about that, and of course I had to say something.

Normally I'd say, "whatever". But that's his house. So that means he's wearing a mask inside his own house. I assume he isn't working in his wood shop or sanding drywall - he doesn't look dirty or anything - so it must be because he thinks it'll protect him from Covid, right? Inside his own home? By himself? You people are really cracked you know that.

Bennifer Goes Out

 

Ben Lopez and Janet Oconto - sorry their names slipped my overworked mind - went to somebody named Pia Miller's 40th birthday party, but I already closed the other tab so I have no further information. Which is good for you because absolutely nobody gives a shit. I don't even know who Pia Miller is.

These two assholes always look so fucking miserable. Is it just me? I just do not get it. They're lives must be just short of torture. 

You know, you see people you know personally sometimes, and they look upset or something once in a while because that's how life is. It's not a bed of roses every day. But every time I see either one of these two, whether they are alone or together they always look like they just got off the expressway during rush hour. Jesus. You're wealthy beyond most people's dreams, if you're this unhappy just retire somewhere and go hiking or fishing every day. Both of you are still in your early 50s you should enjoy life while you can, because one day you're here and then !!!BANG!!! out of the blue you drown in a hot tub, and just like that it's over. Or don't, it's your life, honestly I don't give a shit.

Matthew Perry Dead

 Matthew Perry died. The cause of death was apparently drowning, In his hot tub. No one's mentioned how he managed to drown in a tub of water while sitting down, but my theory is he got doped up on opioids and alcohol, passed out, slipped under the water and drowned. It's really awful and drowning sounds about as horrible a way to go as I could imagine. Except for fire, or a plane crash. I was supposed to be on a plane that crashed. Remind me some day and I'll tell you about it.

 

Taylor Swift Voulez-vous coucher avec moi

 The Daily Mail said Taylor Swift went out, and then described her as "Oozing NYC chic".  Likely because it's still 1978 in England. I didn't know there was still such a thing as "New York City chic".  I also didn't read enough of the story to see if they mentioned where she was going but if I had to guess I would guess she's heading to Studio 54. Maybe she went with Freddie Mercury. Wouldn't that be something. 

I really don't want to write about Taylor Swift, who I'm sure is very nice, but she seems terribly bland, and about as exciting as a sink full of warm dishwater. And yet you people seem endlessly fascinated with these boring people. I don't know how the original writer stretched this dull story into such a huge blog post but I'll link the original story here in case you want to see what Andie McDowell's daughter was wearing. Basically this is a tale about a bunch of standard issue shit heads with too much money. If I saw these people on the street - and by the way I have. HUNDREDS of times (metaphorically) - I would look at them with nothing but contempt. Sorry I'm just in a really bad mood today