Johnny Depp Robs the Old Cradle

 Attention everybody! Johnny Depp has a new girlfriend! Or at least that's what they're calling her. Yeah she looks like a Johnny Depp fan. If she doesn't have a bluebird tattoo on at least one of her shoulders I'll eat my hat. And she already looks like she's gone through her steampunk phase. Here's her Instagram if you want to check for me. 

They describe her as "half his age" which, numerically is probably accurate, however that also makes her 30 or 31. I know 30 year olds that travel four days a week for work (all by themselves!), have three kids, two car payments and a mortgage. So it's not as if theses two are going out for ice cream after seeing a PG movie. SHE'S IN HER THIRTIES.

When are you people going to start getting this through your thick skulls. Age gaps mean nothing. Would I have dated a 40 year old woman when I was 23? Yes. I would have. And as a matter of fact I did. Is that why this doesn't bug me? Because I have experience with this?  She's 30 or 31 not 17. I got some news for you. If you're 35, an older man to you is in his mid to late 40s or maybe his 50's. Not 24. 

It happens, you're very nearly middle aged now. Most people only live to be 80 or so (if you're lucky).  

I admit they didn't seem to make as big a deal about their age difference this time and maybe that's because she is in her 30s as opposed to being a 21 year old cosmetology school drop out like somebody named Leo seems to chase after. Either way, it's time for you shit birds to grow up a little.

Kendra Wilkinson Squeezes Back into Dating

Kendra Wilkinson has been trying top get on some "high-end" celebrity (?) dating app called Raya and she's been waiting for four years. I can't imagine why they haven't approved her..

"It's hilarious because the universe is talking to me. I tried to get on Raya and it's been four years on the waiting list,' I swear to God and they will not let me in. So the universe is basically saying, "We're not ready for you. Dating world, Kendra is not coming in. You better, you better wait an extra five years."'

 I put on my thinking cap and figured it out but I think I'll keep that supersized chicken nugget meal of an answer to myself. Best of luck Kendra have fun dating weirdo Hollywood actors. Or at least the not gay ones. Eventually

Eva Longoria Update

 

 

Eva Longoria talked about why she "fled" America and if I didn't think she was one of the hottest women on Earth I wouldn't care if she knew the answer to eternal life. I saved this picture last week so I've long since forgotten what she said and it doesn't matter anyway because they'll ask her again in two weeks since it doesn't seem like she has anything else of any interest to say. Good you live in Spain. Good for you. I hear they have good tacos there.

She's still smoking hot though so it all sounds like music to me.

WARNING WARNING

 I'm not sure what exactly in this post is "sensitive material" but that's what happens when you raise your kids to be a bunch of intolerant, prudish, puritanical nut bags. Imagine being - let's say 25 or younger - and finding anything written there "offensive". The whole world is going to be in a lot of trouble soon.

Lindsay Lohan Ages Gracefully

Lindsay Lohan went to her plastic surgeon and said, "Make me look like a 48 year old mother I'd like to know  prong star" (editor's note: edited for your safety) and he did. You have to admit he or she is good at their job, and it's not like I'm not complaining. She's 38 years old now anyway so its really not that much of a stretch. Just further proof that my theory that women get better looking after 35 is correct.

By the way, the page where I steal these from is so ad heavy and has so many auto-play videos in the sidebars that it hangs up my PC for extended periods of time so I had to close the site before I found out where she was or what she was doing. Let's face it nobody cares anyway.

Chloe Fineman is Somebody

 In case you weren't aware, Chloe Fineman is on SNL. I'm glad I saw this story because if I hadn't, I might have gone my entire life without ever knowing her name or hearing anything about her, or know she existed.

I imagine being on SNL these days is like being a librarian at some fancy school or something somewhere. You get to stand around drinking wine with people that have sweaters draped across their shoulders and they all discuss "books" and about how they imagine it would be good for people that aren't them to volunteer for various things while they all sound like Thurston Howell when they talk.

Oh and by the by Elon Musk made her cry (eye roll emoji)...

Fineman said that Musk had been brutally critical of her work during a late night writing session. 

'You made I, Chloe Fineman bust into tears because I stayed up late writing a sketch, I was so excited, I came in, I asked if you had any questions and you stared at me like you were firing me from Tesla and were like 'It's not funny.'''

That!? That's what made her cry? He didn't threaten her, her didn't try to get her removed from her job?  He didn't buy the orphanage where she grew up and bulldoze it to the ground so he could replace it with a toxic waste dump? By the way, Chloe Fineman is apparently 36 years old and not 11 like I originally thought despite the fact that she cried because somebody criticized her. 

I don't know how you could be simultaneously tough enough to be a comic in supposedly super tough New York, and having some guy you don't really know make you cry by saying something you wrote wasn't funny. But I suppose that's the world we live in today

Get Out the Vote

 Imagine spending six months saying everybody has to vote and so then they do, but they vote for the wrong guy