Brie Larson is Still Kind of New to the Club

Well what do you know, this Gucci Halloween party/film fest or whatever it was has been a regular gold mine because Brie Larson went too and she was dressed up as the inside of Zoe Saldana's husband's "Master of the Night" coffin. These weirdo Hollywood types probably went to this thing straight from one of their Blood Orgies or whatever these freaks do during their off time.

Zoe Saldana and The Vampire Wars

Zoe Saldana Of "Star Trek Wars" fame was at a film festival that was sponsored by Gucci. I hope she arrived in a limo that had those really big 24 inch rims and a flat billed hat since that seems to be Gucci's target audience. I'm not sure which "Star Fighter" movies she was in since there are so many of them now I lost track. I know about the one where Luke blows up the Death Star, The one where Captain Kirk yells about Khan, and the one with the whales. She must be in one of those. Or maybe it was a remake of one of those. Maybe they'll tie it all together on the 65th anniversary release that I heard was going to be called "Star Spank: The Attack of the Sort of Famous B-List People". The one thing I do know is, she went with her husband Frenchman, Marco Perego, and I have $50 that says that guy thinks he's a vampire. She had to have armed body guards hold him at gunpoint while he got dressed so he wouldn't put on the frilly tuxedo shirt with the giant poofy sleeves. "Zoe where is my vial of teenager blood you know I have to taste blood before I go to a party" he probably said. Hollywood people are always such frigin creeps.

Mick Jagger Does...This

What the fuck?

Mel B Walks Around Naked

Mel B was interviewed by an Australian magazine called "Who" because Australian magazines are what's known in the business as "Star Makers". Well inside this nifty little interview Mel made this statement...

'I walk around my house naked after having a big bath. I do this about three or four times a week. I am not one for wearing too many clothes.'

What's a Big Bath? Frankly I'm not sure what to say. Good? I'm all for it? umm...what else, oh how about,  "Hey Mel! Can I borrow your weight set? I need to work on my abs, I'll be by after your bath okay?"  Whatever, you think you could come up with something better? They don't call me Mr Smooth because I'm hairless you know.

Lady Gaga's Costume Makes Sense Now. Sort of.

Lady Gaga continued what she's calling her "Dive Bar Tour" which goes a long way explaining how she's been dressing lately. Now you KNOW Lady Gaga has never actually been in a dive-bar because nobody dresses like that in a dive bar. A real dive bar has an old man sitting there starring off into space with a beer and a glass of water sitting in front of him at 11:30 in the morning. And at night it's sometimes got scary looking guys shooting pool and a couple of 53 year old overweight women with terrible hair-dos and low cut tops playing Bon Jovi and Journey or maybe sometimes Thin Lizzy (if you're lucky) songs on the jukebox. A real dive bar doesn't have the kind of J.A.P.-y looking daughter of a periodontist pretending to be a hillbilly hanging out in there with a bunch of gay, shirtless ab mannequins hanging on her every word. I have a very strong feeling that when Lady Gaga got pulled over when she was on spring break in Corpus Christi back in her younger days the second question she would ask the cop was "Don't you know who I am?"  You want to go to a dive bar Lady Gaga? I'll take you to a dive bar. Bring your body guards.

Roxanne Pallet is Adorable

Here's a new actress I just discovered named Roxanne Pallet. That's right I discovered her. She's in some new movie called "Recoil", that I'll absolutely never see but she's cute isn't she? Here's a description of her career from where I stole this picture...

Roxanne left the Emmerdale character Jo Sugden behind in 2008 after three years, she then played a schoolgirl on Waterloo Road and went on to feature in Casualty

 What? What the Hell does that say? I read it 10 times and it still doesn't make any sense to me. They may as well have used Egyptian hieroglyphs for all the good their terrible writer did. C'mon Roxy we don't need this nonsense, let's go for a walk and maybe we'll get to pet some puppy dogs or something.

Rita Ora Pretends to be Cool

Rita Ora is always on all the British celebrity sites. Mostly because she's British, I can't really think of any other reason.  It certainly can't be because she came home from dinner last night I mean who cares? She's a singer of some kind, probably rap or whatever people listen to now a days when they aren't watching "Lip Sync Battle". Remember when everyone pretended to be into "World Music". It had something to do with Hacky Sack or juggling sticks or Seattle or something, once again I don't know.  I pay attention to trends like I paid attention in school.  Speaking of which, I really wrote this mostly to say I had that exact shirt in high school. And I'll bet you my last 25 cents Rita Ora couldn't name one single Cheap Trick song. She probably bought that thinking she was supporting oppressed sex trade workers or something. By the way if I lose the bet I'll have to owe you.

They Walk Among Us

World famous actor and Reptoid Benedict Cumberbunch was at the premier for his new movie Doctor Strange dressed like a cool Sherlock Holmes. That's how you spot a Reptoid in disguise. They're unfamiliar with our ways so they watch old movies and dress like that. That suit is the bees knees!

BREAKING NEWS! KATE BECKINSALE GETTING DIVORCED!

I'm here for you Katie just so you know. In case you need a shoulder to cry on or whatever. I'll be your rock.

Bob Dylan Wins Again

 

 Bob Dylan has ticked off some of the people that sit on the Nobel Prize board by not acknowledging the fact that he's won a Nobel Prize...

 Bob Dylan's failure to acknowledge his Nobel Prize in literature is "impolite and arrogant", according to a member of the body that awards it.

Bob Dylan is 75 years old, so there is the possibility that he isn't even aware that he's won a Nobel Prize. Maybe the Nobel Prize people will get lucky and he'll read one of the headlines on a People magazine or a National Enquirer while he's standing in line at Walgreen's, or wherever 75 year olds go to get their Ensure. You never know, maybe he has heard about winning but he's just in his car right now driving 30 miles an hour lost on the expressway when he went to go pick it up. He can't call and let them know because his Jitterbug won't let him make long distance calls.

Yep Janet Jackson is Still Pregnant

Don't believe Janet Jackson is still pregnant? Here she is trying to hide it by wearing a tent. That picture actually made me laugh out loud. She looks like an evil Teletubby. 

Mariah Carey's Calendar is Broken

Mariah Carey dressed up as a pudgy devil for Halloween on Saturday even though Halloween isn't until next Monday. I guess Halloween is a month long now along with some of our other stretched out holidays. Christmas is two months, people have birthday "weekends".... Hell a baby shower can go on for what seems like years. 

 Other guests who went all out for the festive bash included Tameka "Tiny" Cottie, Floyd Mayweather, Master P and Tamar Braxton who brought her whole family along.

The guest list was a real who's who of who's that. Out of curiosity I Googled Tameka "Tiny" Cottie to she if she was really tall, or really fat, you know how people are given nicknames opposite their appearance? Kind of like calling a midget "Stretch". Well no she looked pretty short so Tiny seems fitting. Other acceptable nicknames for her could have been, The Fire Hydrant, Bowling Ball and possibly Mini-Fridge. I hope your party was a success Mariah. Don't worry I'll be there next week for your big annual Fourth of July bash. I'll bring the potato salad and malt liquor.

Carmen Electra at Marco or Narco Something or Who Knows Where

Carmen Electra is hot enough at 44 that she doesn't have to dress like a desperate 28 year old at some noisy nightclub that's trying to get a husband before it's too late and yet there she is.

Edward Furlong?

Jesus Christ what happened to Edward Furlong? He was photographed with his girlfriend, Dawson's Creek "star" Monica Keena while they were out stealing spare tires off of SUV's so they could buy more crack or heroin or whatever these two were out doing. These two are the reason you have to tape a "No Valuables In Car" sign on your passenger window at night.

Oh Hi Jennifer

Oh dear God

Iskra Fisher is a Model. NOT Isla Fisher

Iskra Fisher is some kind of model. I think. Every time I typed Iskra Fisher into Google it kept trying to direct me to Isla Fisher. Which really wasn't so bad actually. I just figured she was a model because here she is having her picture taken on a pier. I don't know what the pictures were for but judging by what I saw it was probably for Dr. Funs Home Made Cotton Candy and Endless Ice Cream Maker. When asked about her strict diet and workout regimen to keep her model form she tried to answer but her mouth was full of uncooked cookie dough. 

Princess Beatrice is Certifiable

I told you Princess Beatrice of The monarchy of Ol' Britania or whatever they're called was insane. She doesn't even bother to hide it anymore. "Here I am dressed up like Napoleon's cat!" she told reporters.  Later at the "We are the Change in the World Climate Change Rescue Breast Cancer Alert Ball" or wherever the hell she was, she punched a waiter for not having any Friskies. Later reports that she fell asleep on somebody's jacket in the coat room were later found to be untrue.

Rosie Huntigton-Whiteley Goes Out

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley went out to dinner dressed like Leather Tuscadero last night for some reason. I'm not really sure why but quite frankly I like it. I just learned she's engaged to Jason Sthrathom or however you spell his name. I'm not sure even how you say it, but it's close enough for me because I don't really. care. Have you ever seen that guy? He looks like somebody's idea of what a ruffian looked like in the 1940's. All he needs is a tiny bowler hat and a black turtleneck. Women are so weird.

The Average Twitter User. Not Me Though.

I don't know why, but I saw this video still on an article about Twitter and I laughed like Alec Baldwin finding a 24 hour ice cream parlor and I thought you might too. No? Okay whatever your sense of humor sucks. Oh by the way here's my Twitter.

Elizabeth Hurley is 51

I haven't really looked for anything to write about. I don't know why, I just haven't okay? But then I saw this new picture of Elizabeth Hurley in a bikini and I thought "Hmmm, That's interesting." Plus she has that cool British accent. The classy one not that Jack the Ripper one British people sometimes have. Isn't that weird? Why do some British people sound like Thurston Howell while some sound like they're starring in Oliver? Oh look a squirrel! Anyway, considering what I've written about lately I should probably change my name to Reverend Bikini. I'd have to buy a dune buggy and walk around with my shirt off but you know what? Maybe that's who I am now.

Kelly Gale is Just in Time for Halloween

Kelly Gale is a Victoria's Secret model? What does she model, their new "Scary Skeleton" line of sexy clothes? (pictured inset)

Kim Kardashian Commits a Robbery

I just want to go on record and say I think the whole Kim Kardashian $11 million dollar "robbery" was probably faked. Staged. It was an "inside job" because it never really happened. Maybe some day I'll write a comprehensive post with the reasons why I believe that. Today is not that day.

Joanna Krupa Likes the Beach

I've been ignoring Joanna Krupa for months because I don't know who she is or what she does. Of course that's never stopped me before but that's all besides the point now anyway because I don't think I can ignore her anymore. Oh I still won't find out why she's always in the celebrity rags or why she was at the beach. My guess? It's Miami Beach. Where all the dumb asses go. I don't really care though as long as she's wearing that blue bikini. What can I say, blue is my favorite color. I think it looks classy.

Lisa Marie Presley Stands Around

I started writing about Priscilla Presley and her face, but then I saw this picture of Lisa Marie Presley and I got sidetracked. I don't even know how old this picture is. Hey if you don't like it start your own blog. Remember when she was married to Michael Jackson? What the fuck was that all about?

What, Again?

The Walking Dead Season premier is on October 23rd in case you want to know what I won't be watching.

I'm Sorry Jennifer Connelly

Remember the other day how I playfully poked a little fun at Jennifer Connelly? I was just kidding around you know? It was just playful shenanigans.

May the Schwartz Be With You

Elton John was at Caesar's Palace playing tennis for his charity benefiting his AIDS foundation called World Team Tennis Smash Hits looking pretty much like Pizza the Hut. I think I like exactly one Elton John song.  And that's mostly because The Beach Boys are the singers in the background. At least that's what I heard, who knows if it's true I never bothered checking. If you want more music facts just let me know.

Russel Brand is a Scientist

Russel Brand was photographed leaving Covent Garden's Fortune Theater after a show on Monday. He's calling this an "experimental show" and by that I'd guess the experiment measures whether or not people will actually pay money to see this unfunny asshole. So far so good! Remember one thing "Doctor" Brand,  the results have to be repeatable.

Sara Ramirez is Totally Gay

Sara Ramirez from Grey's Anatomy has come out of the closet as being bisexual which, after seeing that picture, comes as less of a shock to me than the fact that Grey's Anatomy was still on television.

"...because of the intersections that exist in my own life: Woman, multi-racial woman, woman of color, queer, bisexual, Mexican-Irish American, immigrant, and raised by families heavily rooted in Catholicism on both my Mexican and Irish sides, I am deeply invested in projects that allow our youth’s voices to be heard, and that support our youth in owning their own complex narratives so that we can show up for them in the ways they need us to."

Well she certainly has the haircut and all the labels down pat. Is she sure she didn't leave something out? Like maybe she was the Asian kid in a wheelchair once that played keyboards in a high school rock band. Her speech reads more like a corporate mission statement than anything else

 In order to attract more gayness and assist our fellow man with goods and services of the highest caliber, our company strives to blahblahblah  we're gay now. Did you hear us? WE'RE GAY.

Enjoy your new found freedom Sara.Your brave stance has encouraged me to tell everyone that I like girls. I like them A LOT. God it feels so good to finally get that off my chest.

Kate Middleton is Helpful

Kate Middleton took a horse faced retard out for a walk in Canada on Saturday. She's such a giver.

Demi Lovato is Hairy

There was a sexy Instagram picture of Demi Lovato she recently posted where you could kind of see her butt so I went to go grab it so I could show you guys until I got hypnotized by her eyebrows. Man those things are big aren't they? I bet she has a mustache too. She's cute but you can tell she's extremely hairy. I bet she's Italian or Greek or something. How do you know who the bride is at an Italian wedding? She's the hairiest one there. Anyway listen, there is no way I'm sharing my razors with you. Look man those things are expensive okay? So get your own. Or go get electrolysis or whatever it's called you're rich enough.  And as usual I thought I'd spare you the asinine comments left by creeps from Albania, or Bulgaria or wherever those Instagram commenters are from by covering them up with yet another person that has me blocked on Twitter

Sarah Jessica Parker Walks Around

Sarah Jessica Parker was out promoting her new HBO series "Divorce" in New York because only New York and Los Angeles exist as places as far as Hollywood people are concerned. You know, I always thought she was strangely attractive.  People make fun of her but you should look so good when you're 51, and besides, they aren't married to Ferris Bueller now are they. At least I think she's still married to him. Personally I think Sloane would have been a better choice to be honest, because she had a sexy accent didn't she? Like a very slight one. Plus she seemed adventurous, like she'd steal a car with you and go skinny dipping and maybe go on a cross-country crime spree if you were funny and handsome and muscular and handsome and maybe had an old pick up truck. In conclusion: Save Ferris.

Liam and Noel Gallagher Keep Feuding. Still Alive.

I was going to write about Noel and Liam Gallagher and whatever they're arguing about now but I lost interest. Kind of like everybody else on Earth after 1997.

Kim Kardashian Has a Plan

Kim Kardashian agrees with critics that say she brought on her $11 million dollar robbery herself by constantly showing off her wealth. But that all changes today...

 We're told Kim is taking a month off work and when she returns she's pulling back in a big way on social media. She won't be displaying her personal wealth... and she'll even be less ostentatious with the promotion of her fashion line.

Nonsense. Oh she might quit for a while but Kim Kardashian is essentially a lottery winning, trailer park/ghetto queen that thinks wealth and fancy things are what makes a person valuable, so she can't help herself. By Christmas she'll be showing off her new Boeing Business Jet that's wrapped with a big bow or something so she can impress all of the other hillbillies. But she swears she'll stop after that. Maybe for the New Year. 

Kendra Wikinson Goes Out

I don't think I've ever written about Kendra Wilkinson. Or maybe I have, it's not my job to keep track of what I do. She's cute isn't she?  I guess she's still married to that guy that's into shemales, so I hope that doesn't mean she's a shemale. Although I'll be real honest with you, I don't know how much of a difference that would make to me I mean look at her. And she started having sex with Hugh Hefner when she was just 18 and he was 78 plus there is that sex tape she made which frankly is kind of boring. So what any of this means is, your guess is as good as mine I stopped paying attention three sentences ago.

Site News

Okay so I haven't written in a day or two. Want to come over here and make me? I will I promise. Maybe tomorrow I'll try. There really hasn't been anything it's always the same crap over and over and believe me it's more boring for me to write it than it is for you to read it.  Just hang out be patient.

Pete Davidson is Like a Doctor

Pete Davidson needs a little help before he can perform on Saturday Night Live

I wouldn't be able to do SNL if I didn't smoke weed.

What a fun coincidence. I'm in pain when I watch Saturday Night Live too so I should probably smoke weed to get through it. Thanks for the tip Pete!

Amy Adams Goes to the Beach

Amy Adams went to the beach yesterday dressed like she was staring in a Sailor Jerry Rum commercial. All that's missing is a motorcycle and a guy with a beard. Hey look man it's Saturday alright?