Russell Crowe Looks Good

Here's Russell Crowe sunning himself like a sleepy hippopotamus in Woolloomooloo, Australia which is probably a totally made up place. I heard he's in a band. He's overweight and 52 years old so of course he is and I can tell you without even hearing them they play terrible music. It's probably all Motley Crue and Whitesnake covers, and there's always that one heavy set woman in the audience with terrible, frizzy, fake blonde hair and gigantic breasts in a v-neck t-shirt that'll get too drunk and try to sleep with everyone in the place. Which reminds me I might actually have something to do this weekend. Don't wait up!

Kristin Cavallari Nude Photo

Kristin Cavallari posted a nude photo on her Instagram. Sorry it's of her husband, former Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler. I bet you like looking at his ass though. There are a bunch of pictures of her if you want to click that link but I don't really know why you would, she's really just some woman that was on a TV show 11 years ago, and apparently she was in a movie called Spring Breakdown, which they probably should have called "Tax Write off For a Loss", but it stars unfunny internet darling Amy Poehler so you may as well forget anyone bad mouthing that total piece of crap.

I'm Lazy

I had only one story for today and I forgot to put it up so maybe I'll just save it for tomorrow. That way, I don't have to write so much and that's really the important thing. So instead here's a cool airplane, motorcycle and a girl. Frankly the motorcycle is kind of stupid looking. You probably like it but to each their own. You can have shitty taste no one is stopping you.

Mike Shay Loses Weight

Vanderpump Rules (don't ask me) star Mike Shay lost a lot of weight after his wife ditched him so now instead of looking like a pudgy asshole that works at an Apple Store, today he looks like a skinnier version of an asshole that works at Best Buy. Keep up the good work guy I never heard of.

George Clooney is Bad at Names

George Clooney and his shiny pimp suit were at the bi-weekly nerd convention of the month, CinemaCon 2017 in Las Vegas to promote his new movie "Suburbicon" which I can guarantee with near 100% certainty I'll never ever see, when the subject of his upcoming twins was mentioned. Were mentioned? I don't know I was no English major guy...

 My wife says I can't name them Casa and Amigos. That's the one thing I'm not allowed to do,' he told the TV entertainment show.

Casa and Amigos are the names of his tequila brand I guess, but I don't drink tequila because I'm not a disgusting 20 year old so I wouldn't know. And if he wants to name them something bad maybe he should try the names of his last two movies.

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I can't find anything to write about so I won't. Look man there are almost 800 stories here. Jesus, go read some of those what am I, some kind of slave? I'll look this afternoon and provide fresh new content later.

Sunday Joanna Kruppa Post

It's Joanna Krupa again. This time standing if front of a mirror in her underwear, and you know what? That's fine. I guess that's her job and you have to admit, she does it well. Plus she's attractive and 37 years old so you don't have to deal with all that messy, catty, and neurotic "woman in her 20's" nonsense. I'm sorry I really am at a loss for words because no matter what I read about her I can't figure out what it is she does besides this. You get that? She decided one day that her job was to walk around naked or mostly naked and take pictures of herself doing it and she did it. And nothing else. That's it. Don't you think that's amazing?  You wanted to be a fireman, or an astronaut, or a cop, or something. People spend a decade becoming doctors who then go on to help poor kids in Central America born with cleft palates or curing diseases that have plagued mankind for centuries and she just one day said..."I'm going to be a naked blonde on Instagram". I don't even know if people pay her for this.  If it is for free then god bless her.She really is doing the Lord's work.

Gwenyth Paltrow Loves Anal and Porn

Or at least that's the idea I got from this quickly skimmed article. But she's a dimwit so who knows. For all I know she actually meant everyone loves caramel corn but got all the words mixed up. Goop should hire some extra editors and keep a very close eye on her. I'm available by the way. I have quite the sweet tooth and I'd love to try caramel corn with you Gwyneth so give me a call.

Cara Santana Goes Both Ways

Here's Cara Santana going to meet with a wedding planner because she's getting ready to marry someone named Jesse Metcalf. Maybe they can invite me and when I get there I'll ask them who the Hell they are. Of course she's wearing her fake, tucked in AC/DC 1988 World Tour t-shirt she bought at JCPenney. You get that? She's such a stiff she tucks in her t-shirts. I bet she's a wild carousel ride of fun to hang out with. And how do I know her t-shirt is a fake? Because here's a real one. I also figured she didn't buy that at the concert because she was four years old in 1988 and my guess is the only AC/DC song she's ever actually heard is "You Shook Me All Night Long". I'd mention to her that AC/DC stopped being good after Bon Scott died but I bet she wouldn't even know who that is.

Scarlett Johansson Needs Weed

Scarlett Johansson's ex-husband Romain Dauriac looks like every high school pot dealer I ever remember.

Catch Me If You Can

This story was titled "Sam Frost Steps Out With a Vampy New Look" I didn't read the story so I don't know which one is Sam. Is it the dude? Or the woman. If it's the guy someone should mention to him that people don't wear suits without ties anymore. Unless that's part of being "vampy". If it's the girl that doesn't look very "vampy" unless she's wearing fake fangs. Which is kind of cool actually. I guess these people are on something called the "radio" but I wouldn't know because I have an MP3 player and haven't listened to the radio in about five years so these two could know the whereabouts of Adolf Hitler's secret South American hideout and I'd never know it.

Whitney Thore is Available

"My Big Fat Fabulous Life" star Whitney Thore added a bikini picture to her dating profile and added...

“I’m just tired of people not knowing what they’re getting, or like accusing me of trying to hide how fat I am. I want them to know, right up front, that this is me, and this is what you’re getting, and if you don’t like it then f--k off.”

Okay I'm fucking off. If you're interested, there is a gallery at the link where they say she's "showing off her figure" because I guess a circle is a figure. And don't worry, I'm afraid you can't really hide how fat you are when you're that fat. I don't care at what angle you hold the camera. Maybe next time try holding it in outer space

Is That Jennifer Lopez?

Jennifer Lopez debuted a "sexy new hairdo" which pretty much just looks like hair to me because I'm a man and if I look at a woman's head and she has hair that pretty much seals the deal for me. I bet that hair style cost $3000 because celebrities and famous people are stupid beyond belief.

Hanson is Still Around Apparently

Hanson announced they're touring Australia. No word yet on what Australia did to deserve that or why they look so weird now

Mel B Divorces Pumpkinhead

America’s Got Talent judge, Mel B Sportster Trippy Spice filed for a divorce from her husband, Bigfoot Space Alien from 1976, Stephen Belafonte. I didn't read much beyond the headline because really, who fucking cares. I can't believe after all of these years I'm still writing about all of these assholes.

Eva Mendes is Ready For Renewal

Eva Mendes has a new clothing line and if I had to guess it's probably called "Logan's Run". Here she is pictured opening a new store called New York & Co. at Miami's Dadeland Mall. I lived almost literally right around the corner from Dadeland Mall. Here's how I remember it.  Yes that's Dadeland Mall. I'm sure it looks very different now although I haven't been there in years. Oh but I'm sure there are probably shoot outs there every day because Miami is a hellhole. I hope you make it out alive Eva.

Megan Fox Sits on a Chair

Here's Megan Fox posing for pictures wearing samples from her new lingerie line for Frederick's of Hollywood which is cool I guess considering I didn't remember that Megan Fox or Frederick's of Hollywood even existed anymore.

Harrison Ford is a Miracle

Here's SEVENTY FOUR year old Harrison Ford, walking around and being in better shape than you. What are you even doing with your life you loser.

Jesy Nelson is Somebody

As usual I have no idea who Jesy Nelson is, but she was getting an award at the Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards or something with her "band" and someone took her picture. Wow what a time to be alive. I'm sure she's a very nice person, or maybe she isn't who knows. The one thing I do know is she looks pretty much what I'd imagine one of those $7,000 sex dolls would look like if it magically came to life and suddenly started demanding you buy it "thoughtful" presents once in a while. No way supernaturally animated talking sex doll what do you think I am, crazy?

Zayn Malik is Royalty

Zayn Malik was in a boy band I think. One Direction? I'm not sure, they're all the same to me. He's since left the band to move on to other things. Mainly being a bumbling Middle Eastern prince that lives in a lamp in live action Disney Movies

Bella Hadid is a Rebel

Here's Bella Hadid going to dinner. I guess she's a model but if you asked me, I'd guess she was in a Marilyn Manson cover band about to perform. And she was eight years old when Johnny Ramone died so if she wants to be a rebel maybe she should go buy a Rolling Stones shirt.

Ryan Reynolds Annoys Me

I saw this story about Ryan Reynolds wearing jeans. Seriously that was the whole story. I have no idea why Ryan Reynolds wearing jeans is important or why he annoys me so much.  If I was in one of those giant tractor trailers and saw Ryan Reynolds in a cross walk like this, I would turn him into a red stain on the pavement. He just strikes me as a smart ass like you'd meet at some fancy prep school. Fuck this asshole.

Britney is Lost

I'm posting this so I can say I'm now officially concerned about Britney Spears' face. What is going on? It's like three shades darker than the rest of her body. And she looks...tired? Maybe she's using one of those face tanning machines. And is she hypnotized? Lobotomized? What? Don't worry Brit, I'm here for you. Let's take off that stuffy dress.

One of the Heathers Went to the Beach

My friend sent me this picture of a woman she swears is Heather Locklear. No not this Heather Locklear, Whatever. If she wants to take her new giant boobs to the beach that's fine with me. I was always partial to Heather Thomas anyway, who even today looks like America's Number One MILF pornstar unlike that other Heather who we will no longer mention starting now. Don't worry Heather, I'm over that other Heather.

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Okay so I haven't written in almost a week. Big deal. I'm writing as we speak. Check back here for more fresh content hot off the griddle

Ashley Graham is Active

Ashley Graham was photographed on her jet ski as she sped away to get some hot dogs.I assume that's why she's wearing a red swimsuit. To hide the ketchup stains.

John Mellancamp is a Hunk of Burning Love

John Cougar Mellencamp has entered the Elvis/Old Las Vegas/Freemont Street Gambler phase of his life. Have fun John! Say hi to Jimmy the Scumbag for me next time you see him.

One For the Ladies

Here's a new male model. Go him! I didn't know his name at first so I originally labeled the picture as "stud" but it seems his name is Bonner Bolton which is a stupid fucking name. If you're going to pick a fake name why not Lance Manion, or Duke McFist? And those jeans he's wearing? $158.00. You'd have to be out of your fucking mind to spend $158 on a pair of jeans. Sears has jeans for $20 and then you'd have $138 left to blow on your lady. Or in his case his horse, or whatever the fuck this idiot does for fun. It isn't mapping the human genome in his downtime I can tell you that right now.