2017 is Shaping Up

I just learned there's a rapper named Machine Gun Kelly. Oh yes, you know that's him in the picture. This is the new official stupidest thing I ever heard. I thought "G Easy" was pathetic but NOPE. He looks like a bad ass doesn't he. I don't know who's dumber, this idiot or the people that willingly pay money to listen to this idiot.

Kim Kardashian is Really Gross

Here's Kim Kardashian's cartoonishly large and freakishly disgusting ass. It's vomit inducing. If you think that's attractive you need psychiatric help and I want you to stop reading this blog. Seriously. I want nothing to do with you.  She looks like some kind of Star Wars character, like maybe from the cantina scene or something. They could name her The Sarlorg or whatever. Is that a genetic flaw or what? I'm done writing about this because I need to go throw up.

Orlando Bloom Apologizes

Orlando Bloom apologized profusely for calling himself a pikey -- whatever that is -- during some BBC interview. I thought it was a fish old men in Minnesota tried to catch but I assume it's probably a slur about someone, somewhere I guess. Maybe back East who knows. "I can't believe you called me a pikey!" I can hear them screaming in Wakawalla World or maybe they use it in Zebrenostan or some other foreign pit of despair. Really you sorry bunch of losers have to come up with some better slurs. I can think of at least a half dozen good ones without even batting an eye.

John Legend is Wrong

John Legend said that Donald Trump is the worst person he ever met in his life, apparently forgetting that he's married to Chrissy Teigen.

Julia Roberts is Beautiful

Julia Roberts is People Magazine's "Most Beautiful Woman for 2017" and not "The Most Attractive Woman Left at Last Call Just Before They Turn on the Lights" like I originally thought

Shania Twain Then and Now

Some people are asking, "Did Shania Twain get plastic surgery?" Not me of course because I forgot Shania Twain was even a thing. But I guess she was on The Voice, a show that's popular with idiots and they know how to use Twitter and some wondered if she'd had plastic surgery. If I had to guess I'd say maybe some, maybe not. Who knows, she is 51 years old and still pretty hot so who cares.  I'd be more concerned about her hair though. It looks like she went into the salon and told the girl "Give me the Late 70's Hitchhiker" Hey whatever Shania it's your head.

It's a New Kirsten Dunst

I saw this for the first time last night and I'm not sure why Kirsten Dunst did a cover version of "Turning Japanese" but she did. And in a blue wig which, I have to tell you, makes her look really hot. I've never really thought of Kirsten Dunst was attractive until right this minute. I guess all she has to do is wear the blue wig and dress like Pokemon in a mini skirt or whatever that is for the rest of her life. Maybe it's Sailor Moon? Who knows you internet people are a bunch of fucking weirdos. I should also mention that's the first time I ever willingly sat through that whole stupid song so keep up the good work Kirsten. Maybe your next movie should just be you doing those cutesy dance moves in a blue wig/mini skirt combo. Oh sure I'd wait until I could see it for free but I'd still watch it. Probably.


Unnecessary update: I've watched this about 100 times

Prince Died a Year Ago Friday. Still Dead.

Prince died a year ago?! Remember when everyone was freaking out and they were calling him the greatest guitarist that ever lived. Good times.

Erin Moran Died

!!!BREAKING NEWS!!! (from last night) Erin Moran of Happy Days fame and Joanie Loves Chachi died of a suspected heroin overdose. She was 56. I watch Happy Days occasionally when I stumble across it on the Nostalgia Channel or whatever and the really old ones are alright I guess before Fonzie moved into their garage or whatever. And I seem to recall having a crush on her when I was a kid but mostly when she looked like a disco queen like she did in that picture if that's even her I don't know I just searched images and that came up. Remember when Richie Cunningham grew a mustache? What the Hell was that all about.

It's a Saturday Parody

I saw a commercial for a guy named Ty Dolla $ign. They don't even pretend to be original anymore. "Should I include a money symbol in my name? No! How about I just call myself Money Symbol!" I wonder what he raps about. He's probably breaking new ground in the world of rap by rapping about private jets, rims, Miami, owning "buildings" BIG MONEY BUSINESS and if I had to guess, bitches and weed. I heard there's a 10% off all lobotomies coupon included if you buy his MP3 on Amazon. You have to pay for it in Euros though which is weird. Do you even know what Euros are Ty? It's what all of your accountants who are ripping you off and slowly draining your bank accounts are changing the money into before they stash it away in Switzerland. I have a feeling it's going to be a very short ride.

Richard Simmons has an Upset Stomach

Fitness guru Richard Simmons checked into the hospital for "indigestion"and left wrapped in a blanket looking like a tacky ghost. Why? How should I know, because these people are wacko that's why.

Kim Kardashian is Skeletal Now

The President of the Idiots, Kim Kardashian used her Twitter account to tell everyone that having the flu helped her lose 6 pounds. It's pretty amazing really, she's all skin and bones now. Hell, it probably took only two people to force her into that dress instead of three.

Charisma Carpenter is Hot and Thirsty

Charisma Carpenter was at the Thirst Gala which I guess raises awareness of the lack of clean water some people that don't seem to realize we live in the 21st century with this amazing new invention we have called plumbing don't have access too but I'm pretty sure they already know they don't have water. And I think they really missed the boat by not having it on a Thursday. Anyway, she's shockingly attractive for a 46 year old. Hell she's shockingly attractive for a 36 year old. It almost makes me wish I watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer  when she, and it, were both on TV but then I'd probably be too stupid to use a computer so it's quite the conundrum.

Arron Hernandez Saves Taxpayers Some Money

Convicted murderer and football retard Arron Hernandez hanged himself in prison and to that I say good.

Saturday Elyse Knowles Post

I originally wrote this on Saturday and lost track of time and then forgot all about it hence the title. I didn't feel like changing said title because the one that's there took me a long time to think up. Anyway, here's model Elyse Knowles for no reason and I'm suddenly her biggest fan. Oh, she's in the news for some reason but I never made it past the picture. I'm sure she's curing cancer or maybe saving Third World families or whatever. If you find out let me know I have other things to do. Good luck with your latest endeavor you goddamn hippie do-gooder  

Coachella Annoys Me

A few people have asked me why Coachella rankles me so much. That picture alone should give you your answer. I didn't have to hunt for that picture of those two girls because every single girl looked like that. They're all dressed up in some sort of ridiculous EDM/Slutty Halloween costume. So Coachella is basically a big costume party, where people who think they're hip (but they aren't)  go and hang out while they're dressed like idiots. That's only a minor annoyance though really. If you want to dress like a moron no one is stopping you, knock yourself out.

No my biggest problem -among many-  is the ticket prices and the shitty bands. Face value prices for a three day pass for Weekend One (What?! How long does this shit show last?) is $399. That means excluding every other cost, two tickets for one couple that wants to see Radiohead, for whatever reason you'd want to do that is nearly $1000. And they go up from there. One thousand dollars. To see Lady Gaga. You'd have to be a Grade A imbecile with way way too much money to spend $1000+ on this. I can't remember the last time I even had $1000. But you know what? it's your money. Frankly, flushing it down the toilet would be a lot easier and you wouldn't even have to worry about parking. I'm tired of bitching about this. Go. Do whatever the fuck you want. I just want to not have to read about it everywhere I look for the next two weeks.

Katy Perry is That You?

Katy Perry showed off her work out skills on Instagram. At least I think that's what she's doing. I don't know why she looks like Justin Bieber. It's funny I was just going to write a hilarious post about how I thought she was hot but now I'm confused and tingly in all the wrong places and frankly I don't know what to do about it.

Tommy Lee and His Chin Go To Coachella

Tommy Lee was at Coachella looking like that one actor with the giant chin. Why? I don't know maybe that's how hippies looked what am I an archaeologist?

Jessica Simpson Gets Called For Pass Interference

Jessica Simpson relived her high school football glory days when she was a middle linebacker at J. J. Pearce High School by barrelling her way through the crowd on her way to dinner. She can be supernaturally hot when she wants to be, and sometimes people go back and forth weight-wise but I'm a selfish idiot and I like the Jessica when her and Britney Spears were 21 years old and were the two hottest people on Earth. Sorry it's just how I am. Don't try to change me.

Gary Busey Runs Wild

GARY BUSEY ESCAPED SOMEBODY STOP HIM

Nikki Comeback is Webster Coming Back or Something

This article says Nikki Webster is making a huge comeback. And thank God too. It's not a moment too soon. Good luck with your major comeback Nikki Webster, whoever the Hell you are. There's a video of her performing at the link and and also right here (I'm not sure that will work, Try it!) and it's really, really terrible. I hope whoever is in charge of this manages to change her mind.

Creatures of the Night

The caption of this story said Rose McGowan and her boyfriend "Boots" were headed to dinner but, by the looks of things, I think it's probably more likely that they were headed to their weekly Vampire Coven  meeting. The original story also said he was a music "producer" but Rose McGowan also dated Marilyn Manson so I bet the music this guy produces is really really awful. As an official blogger I felt it was my duty to find out who exactly he produces and it turns out one of the people is Beyonce so that does little to change my mind about how awful the music is he produces

Jennifer Aniston is in France

Jennifer Aniston and her "husband" Jean Luc Cousteau were in France promoting some kind of leather...C'mon Jen. Let's be serious now. I mean the guy is wearing leather pants. Didn't you notice that? Jesus Christ. A jacket or for - the love of God even a vest - wouldn't have done it? And the necklace? After noticing your taste in "men" I'm starting to wonder if you're right for me at all. Maybe we need to rethink this relationship.

Orange is the New Black is Still a Thing I Guess

!!BIG NEWS!! Orange is the New Black has a new trailer! HUZZAH!! Go TV show go! I'm sure you're very excited. I thought it was on HBO, or Cinemax but I guess it's on Netflix I really have no idea. I couldn't possibly care less if I tried. If I want to watch women in prison movies there are millions of pornos based solely on that premise and I don't have to learn anybody's name.

Tina Arena is Famous Somewhere

Tina Arena is an Australian singer from - I think - Australia, and she has a new fragrance. Judging by the picture I'm guessing it's called "Evil Boarding School Head Mistress" because I don't know anything about perfume or Australian singers unless they're named Bon Scott.You can't expect me to keep up with all the wild goings on in Australia. There's a reason they call it The Hollywood of the East, and that reason is because I just made it up. I wouldn't even remember Australia was a place except for the fact that their F-List celebrities occasionally turn up in these boring news stories

Gwen Stefani Without Make Up

GAH! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY PUT IT BACK ON

Chrissie Hynde Needs Your Cats

Here's Chrissie Hynde of The Pretenders (a band I HATE) performing at The Royal Albert Hall as part of the "Geezers in Bands That Suck World Tour" or whatever. She revealed in a later interview that she lives as a recluse and oh yes, she pretty much looks exactly like how I'd guess a recluse would look. I can imagine her wandering her property yelling gibberish at neighborhood kids in her bathrobe while she tries to round up her cats. Did you know she was supposed to marry at least two Sex Pistols? Johnny Rotten and I guess Sid Vicious. To bad she didn't pick Sid. Anyway, if you want more information about ancient bands let me know. I'll tell you about the time I met Alice Cooper and that night my right shoe spent the entire show on stage at a Ramones concert.

Kate Beckinsale Gets a Tan

I don't really have much today so here's Kate Beckinsale yesterday in a bikini from her Instagram. I'm not sure why she's on that big trampoline you sexy minx. I'm game for anything just remember my rules, no other dudes and no permanent scars.

Saturday Shocker

People are surprised that Barry Manilow is gay. Way to go. I bet most of you would make great detectives.

Don Rickles 1926-2017

Good night sweet prince

Joanna Krupa is Boring

Here's Joanna Krupa blah blah blah naked blah blah Instagram blah blah...you know what,  I've changed my mind. Maybe I won't write about her so much after all. The internet is full of naked women and most of them are hotter than her so I guess I don't get what the big deal is. This seems to be the only thing she ever does. It's all just so boring. I'm sorry it didn't work out Joanna, you know what? Lose my number.

AnnaLynne McCord is All Smiles

AnnaLynne McCord looks like Michelle Pfeiffer went somewhere on vacation and asked one of those caricature artists to draw a funny picture of her and then it sprang to life. All that's missing is a hot rod doing a burnout with Michelle's hand on a giant stick shift.

Jennifer Aniston Rocks

Jennifer Aniston went to the premier of a movie you won't see titled "The Leftovers" starring some guy everyone seems to be calling her husband. Jeffry something? Who knows. The important thing here is, she was dressed in leather like she was going to a Tesla concert at the House of Blues. Listen Jen, I hated Tesla in fact I still do they're pretty bad. But for you? I'd be happy to sit thro- I CAN'T! I'm sorry I just can't. Not Tesla please. Anything but that. Look how about a nice Damn Yankees reunion show. You remember them from such hits as that one song you heard on the radio a couple of times. I think Ted Nugent is in that band or something.

Todd and Julie are Fashion Plates

Todd and Julie Chrisley, stars of the USA Networks reality show "Chrisley Knows Best", were at the Academy of Country Music Awards show on Sunday in their best designer clothes. Julie in a gown by Michael Kors, and Todd wore a tuxedo designed by Paul Lynde.

Say it Isn't so Kylie and Tyga

Kylie Jenner and "Tyga" broke up. If you don't know who they are, Kylie is a member of the vermin pack that sprung from the sewers of L.A. and includes Kim Kardashian, Bruce Jenner, etc. Tyga is apparently a rapper because it's 2017 and every unemployed male in their 20's is a rapper now.  Too bad for them that they broke up. On the plus side for us, at least these two mongoloids won't be having any children.

Debra Messing Is Angry

Debra Messing showed up at the WP Theater for the Women's Project which is a project exclusively for women. I guess. I have no idea. She looks sort of drunk which would have been very rude of her don't you think? I could be wrong of course maybe she's just insane now. I never dismiss that possibility. Did you know Will and Grace went off the air 11 years ago?  And yet we're still calling her "Will and Grace star".  Who knew Newton's first law of motion would apply to famous people. The guy was some kind of genius.

Gwen Stefani is a Lollypop Girl

Is Gwen Stefani's head getting bigger? Or just her face. Normally I would never consider saying anything bad about how she looks but this is starting to concern me. Look, I'm a busy man, I can't be a caretaker for a giant face. Helping it in and out of bed, pushing it down the street in a wheelbarrow when we go for a walk I mean c'mon. I'm just way to selfish. There I said it.

Matthew Newton is Finally Sober

Matthew Newton is sober. Thank God. You spend so many days and just as many sleepless nights worrying about Matthew Newton and whether of not he'll start living up to his full potential and he finally announces he's sober. It's miraculous really.