Friday, March 24, 2017

Gwenyth Paltrow Loves Anal and Porn

Or at least that's the idea I got from this quickly skimmed article. But she's a dimwit so who knows. For all I know she actually meant everyone loves caramel corn but got all the words mixed up. Goop should hire some extra editors and keep a very close eye on her. I'm available by the way. I have quite the sweet tooth and I'd love to try caramel corn with you Gwyneth so give me a call.

Cara Santana Goes Both Ways

Here's Cara Santana going to meet with a wedding planner because she's getting ready to marry someone named Jesse Metcalf. Maybe they can invite me and when I get there I'll ask them who the Hell they are. Of course she's wearing her fake, tucked in AC/DC 1988 World Tour t-shirt she bought at JCPenney. You get that? She's such a stiff she tucks in her t-shirts. I bet she's a wild carousel ride of fun to hang out with. And how do I know her t-shirt is a fake? Because here's a real one. I also figured she didn't buy that at the concert because she was four years old in 1988 and my guess is the only AC/DC song she's ever actually heard is "You Shook Me All Night Long". I'd mention to her that AC/DC stopped being good after Bon Scott died but I bet she wouldn't even know who that is.

Scarlett Johansson Needs Weed

Scarlett Johansson's ex-husband Romain Dauriac looks like every high school pot dealer I ever remember.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Catch Me If You Can

This story was titled "Sam Frost Steps Out With a Vampy New Look" I didn't read the story so I don't know which one is Sam. Is it the dude? Or the woman. If it's the guy someone should mention to him that people don't wear suits without ties anymore. Unless that's part of being "vampy". If it's the girl that doesn't look very "vampy" unless she's wearing fake fangs. Which is kind of cool actually. I guess these people are on something called the "radio" but I wouldn't know because I have an MP3 player and haven't listened to the radio in about five years so these two could know the whereabouts of Adolf Hitler's secret South American hideout and I'd never know it.

Whitney Thore is Available

"My Big Fat Fabulous Life" star Whitney Thore added a bikini picture to her dating profile and added...
“I’m just tired of people not knowing what they’re getting, or like accusing me of trying to hide how fat I am. I want them to know, right up front, that this is me, and this is what you’re getting, and if you don’t like it then f--k off.”
Okay I'm fucking off. If you're interested, there is a gallery at the link where they say she's "showing off her figure" because I guess a circle is a figure. And don't worry, I'm afraid you can't really hide how fat you are when you're that fat. I don't care at what angle you hold the camera. Maybe next time try holding it in outer space

Is That Jennifer Lopez?

Jennifer Lopez debuted a "sexy new hairdo" which pretty much just looks like hair to me because I'm a man and if I look at a woman's head and she has hair that pretty much seals the deal for me. I bet that hair style cost $3000 because celebrities and famous people are stupid beyond belief.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Hanson is Still Around Apparently

Hanson announced they're touring Australia. No word yet on what Australia did to deserve that or why they look so weird now

Monday, March 20, 2017

Mel B Divorces Pumpkinhead

America’s Got Talent judge, Mel B Sportster Trippy Spice filed for a divorce from her husband, Bigfoot Space Alien from 1976, Stephen Belafonte. I didn't read much beyond the headline because really, who fucking cares. I can't believe after all of these years I'm still writing about all of these assholes.

Friday, March 17, 2017

Eva Mendes is Ready For Renewal

Eva Mendes has a new clothing line and if I had to guess it's probably called "Logan's Run". Here she is pictured opening a new store called New York & Co. at Miami's Dadeland Mall. I lived almost literally right around the corner from Dadeland Mall. Here's how I remember it.  Yes that's Dadeland Mall. I'm sure it looks very different now although I haven't been there in years. Oh but I'm sure there are probably shoot outs there every day because Miami is a hellhole. I hope you make it out alive Eva.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Megan Fox Sits on a Chair

Here's Megan Fox posing for pictures wearing samples from her new lingerie line for Frederick's of Hollywood which is cool I guess considering I didn't remember that Megan Fox or Frederick's of Hollywood even existed anymore.

Harrison Ford is a Miracle

Here's SEVENTY FOUR year old Harrison Ford, walking around and being in better shape than you. What are you even doing with your life you loser.

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Jesy Nelson is Somebody

As usual I have no idea who Jesy Nelson is, but she was getting an award at the Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards or something with her "band" and someone took her picture. Wow what a time to be alive. I'm sure she's a very nice person, or maybe she isn't who knows. The one thing I do know is she looks pretty much what I'd imagine one of those $7,000 sex dolls would look like if it magically came to life and suddenly started demanding you buy it "thoughtful" presents once in a while. No way supernaturally animated talking sex doll what do you think I am, crazy?

Zayn Malik is Royalty

Zayn Malik was in a boy band I think. One Direction? I'm not sure, they're all the same to me. He's since left the band to move on to other things. Mainly being a bumbling Middle Eastern prince that lives in a lamp in live action Disney Movies

Friday, March 10, 2017

Bella Hadid is a Rebel

Here's Bella Hadid going to dinner. I guess she's a model but if you asked me, I'd guess she was in a Marilyn Manson cover band about to perform. And she was eight years old when Johnny Ramone died so if she wants to be a rebel maybe she should go buy a Rolling Stones shirt.

Ryan Reynolds Annoys Me

I saw this story about Ryan Reynolds wearing jeans. Seriously that was the whole story. I have no idea why Ryan Reynolds wearing jeans is important or why he annoys me so much.  If I was in one of those giant tractor trailers and saw Ryan Reynolds in a cross walk like this, I would turn him into a red stain on the pavement. He just strikes me as a smart ass like you'd meet at some fancy prep school. Fuck this asshole.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Britney is Lost

I'm posting this so I can say I'm now officially concerned about Britney Spears' face. What is going on? It's like three shades darker than the rest of her body. And she looks...tired? Maybe she's using one of those face tanning machines. And is she hypnotized? Lobotomized? What? Don't worry Brit, I'm here for you. Let's take off that stuffy dress.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

One of the Heathers Went to the Beach

My friend sent me this picture of a woman she swears is Heather Locklear. No not this Heather Locklear, Whatever. If she wants to take her new giant boobs to the beach that's fine with me. I was always partial to Heather Thomas anyway, who even today looks like America's Number One MILF pornstar unlike that other Heather who we will no longer mention starting now. Don't worry Heather, I'm over that other Heather.

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Thursday, March 2, 2017

Ashley Graham is Active

Ashley Graham was photographed on her jet ski as she sped away to get some hot dogs.I assume that's why she's wearing a red swimsuit. To hide the ketchup stains.

John Mellancamp is a Hunk of Burning Love

John Cougar Mellencamp has entered the Elvis/Old Las Vegas/Freemont Street Gambler phase of his life. Have fun John! Say hi to Jimmy the Scumbag for me next time you see him.

One For the Ladies

Here's a new male model. Go him! I didn't know his name at first so I originally labeled the picture as "stud" but it seems his name is Bonner Bolton which is a stupid fucking name. If you're going to pick a fake name why not Lance Manion, or Duke McFist? And those jeans he's wearing? $158.00. You'd have to be out of your fucking mind to spend $158 on a pair of jeans. Sears has jeans for $20 and then you'd have $138 left to blow on your lady. Or in his case his horse, or whatever the fuck this idiot does for fun. It isn't mapping the human genome in his downtime I can tell you that right now.