Merry Christmas!

I somehow managed to squeak out a few posts last week which, I won't lie or be modest, was somewhat of a miracle. This up coming week is going to be every bit as bad and I can actually see the news stories dwindling away to nothing. I'll keep looking and give it a try, but I'm pretty sure things won't return to mostly normal until next week. Hopefully Kate Beckinsale will run around naked or something. FINGERS CROSSED!

Elizabeth Hurley Moves Like the Wind

Elizabeth Hurley dressed like a "ninja". It wasn't made clear exactly why this happened, maybe she needs more friends. Or maybe some kind of hobby. I honestly think either one of those things might help. If you think I'm complaining about this, you couldn't be more wrong, I'm just offering to be someone she could throw a football with or maybe just be a shoulder to cry on, if she needs it. Here Liz, have some more wine.

Miley Cyrus Returns!

Hey everybody! Miley Cyrus is back! I wonder what surprises she has for us in 2020. Will her tongue be hanging out more? Or less? Can you imagine an almost 30 year old woman that behaves like this? This isn't carefree, and fun loving, this is a serious problem and a huge red flag. If she wasn't already famous we'd probably be seeing a lot more of her on Live PD. We still might.

RHIANNA TOP LESS

They called this topless. Again, I suppose technically it is, But I guess they figure it's too late they already have your click. That's why I titled this RIHANNA TOPLESS, because that's how it shows up in Google when some loser searches for RIHANNA TOPLESS. Don't you get tired of being played for a chump? RIHANNA TOPLESS RIHANNA TOPLESS RIHANNA TOPLESS. I hope I spelled her name right. I don't know what she's selling. Probably topless boob cream. It doesn't matter I wouldn't buy whatever garbage she's hawking this time anyway. On the plus side, at least it isn't her shitty music. Silver linings!

Surfing With the Bros

All 53 Hemsworth brothers went surfing, and for some reason this is news. Probably because one of them has his shirt off. I'm not sure which one that is and there isn't anything I give less of a shit about. Where's a 14 foot Tiger Shark when you really need one.

Maria Shriver Rolls the Bones

Maria Shriver was photographed shopping, probably for supplies to bring back with her to Skull Island in case she has to hunker down if they're attacked by He-Man.

Bvlly Dead RIP

Surprise! A rapper named "Bvlly was shot to death in Toronto, Canada, "The Gun Free Country". Maybe they saw all of his medallions and thought he was an unwrapped mummy coming back to life. You can never be too careful. I'm not linking anything to these stories anymore, there are simply too many and I'd like to remind you that,  not only do I not care if these idiots kill each other, I also don't get paid for this.

Cardi B We Hardly Knew Ye

They said this is Cardi B at the mall without makeup but I find that very difficult to believe. Did they ask for I.D? Are they sure that's even a human woman? There's those fingernails again. She could rob a bank and all she'd have to do would be go in the bathroom and take off her make up and they'd never find her.

Simon Cowell is a Man of Action

Here's Simon Cowell shirtless on a Jet-Ski. What is it with you people and Jet-Skis?

Amber Rose Will Dive for Food

Amber Rose went out to lunch. Again. Maybe it was "second lunch", you never know people in California are friggin weird. She was wearing a dive suit but I'm not sure why and no one mentioned it. Maybe her GIANT NECKLACE chafes her skin. Whatever, I have no idea why this zero of a person is constantly on all the gossip sites.

Happy Holidays

It's Christmas "week". I'll look for stuff to write about but I make no promises.

Oh Hi Iliza Shlesinger

I just heard of Iliza Shlesinger. I usually despise stand up comics, with a few notable exceptions but -  and I'm not sure why -  I feel like she could change my mind. I could pretend to listen to her tell me why airports are terrible, and what it's like to go grocery shopping in New York for a couple of months and it probably almost wouldn't be like a living Hell on Earth. I guess she calls herself an "Elder Millennial" and I guess if it makes you feel better to call yourself that when you're pushing 40 I really have no problem with it. I'm all about helping you Iliza, give me a call.


!!!UPDATE!!!

I watched a Joe Rogan Podcast with her. Lets just say she seems very nice but maybe I'll just hang out over here with you guys.

Demi Lovato is Single Again (?)

Demi Lovato, who is apparently the best selfie taker in the known universe, has a new boyfriend named Austin G. "Suburban Thug" Wilson. Or maybe they broke up, what difference does it make. She's done anyway and no one gives a shit anymore. I love all of his "gangsta" tough guy face tattoos. They really go with his new hair color.  Although I admit they'd probably be a lot scarier on someone that wasn't 5'5" tall and weighed more than 110 pounds. I'm in no way intimidated by "men" that wouldn't make the high school football team. Just once I'd love to drop some of these clowns off at Independence and Madison on Chicago's West Side on a hot July night and if they make it back to my house alive, I'll bake them some cookies. Do I bake cookies? No, and my guess would be I wouldn't have to.

Dua Lipa Does Things

Dua Lipa was on the desert wasteland that is the Jimmy Fallon show. Late night? Overnight? To-Night?  Who knows what that garbage dump is called, you people can't really be watching this are you? Anyway, she's certainly attractive. I'd bet she's probably talented too, but judging by what I hear coming out of my car radio every day, I'd say that statement is most likely 100% wrong. I hope her list of talents is longer than her legs but that seems pretty unlikely because ironically enough, if they were, we probably wouldn't get to see her in that dress.

Pretty in Pink

I was going to talk about Margot Robbie today, but then I saw her in this dress so it's probably best to just look for something else.

Carrie Underwood has Legs

I wasn't going to write anything today then I saw Carrie Underwood's leg sticking out of that dress and I thought, "Hey why not?" I could have sworn she was an American Idol person, is that right? Who am I thinking of. Her legs definitely win the prize I'll say that much for her. The story was something about how her body didn't bounce back after her second baby and blah blah blah...I'd say it looks just fine to me. If you don't want babies ruining your body, don't have them. This isn't rocket science.

Hi Allison Dunbar

Supreme headcase Ron Perlman left his wife of 38 years for Allison Dunbar and I can't say I blame him at all. Here's her Instagram if you want to see it. And you do, trust me. The source story said she was a "Two Broke Girls" star? I've seen a few minutes of it here and there, mostly while the sound is off, but I guess I need to start watching more of these network sitcoms. Even if watching them makes me like you. She looks like a porn star (That's a compliment by the way),  and he looks like a slowly deflating Bigfoot lawn ornament someone would put on their lawn on Halloween. I know he's a fruit loop but what the Hell is wrong with her? I will never understand women as long as I live. Maybe she has a weird thing for the Yeti, or dudes with giant heads. Hey wait a minute. I have a giant head if you know what I'm saying. Seriously I have to special order all of my hats.

Amy Schumer Loves the Kardashians

Amy Schumer is in the news because she said she loves the Kardashians. Okay? She must be reaching out to the dip-shit segment of the world. "I love the Kardashians and matching airbrushed t-shirts". Whatever you say Amy. I haven't thought about Amy Schumer in at least six months. Seriously I saw her picture connected with the story and I went "Ooooh yeah Amy Schumer" like when you run into someone you peripherally knew in school or at work so I guess her little scheme worked. She may be the nicest person in the world but for some reason she really rubs me the wrong way I have no idea why.

Audrina Patridge is Still Active

Someone is still writing about Audrina Patridge for some reason. Not me though.

Colin Firth is a Free Man

Colin Firth is divorcing his wife Livia (caution. auto-start ads) after 22 years because she had an affair with her childhood friend Marco Brancaccia. And who could blame her, he looks like he stepped out of a pretentious black & white Italian movie that has subtitles that you'd see while surrounded by people that go to the movies alone, and not because she tried to throw away his black rimmed glasses like I thought. The source material called someone "the Love Actually star" but I'm not sure if they meant him or her and that movie was almost 20 years ago so I assume him since she was probably seven 20 years ago and he's who the story is about. But if you think I'd ever sit through Love Actually you need to get back to therapy.

Hillary Clinton is a Fountain of Youth

Hillary Clinton is being hailed as the youngest presidential candidate that ever lived after she had some work done on her face. And of course everyone from "The Washington Post" to "Mother Jones" to "Crazy Hoarder that Hates Trump That Everyone Avoids" is saying it makes her look "radiant" and "younger than ever"and not at all like a corpse at a wake or maybe the Tall Man from Phantasm.

 Some of you people live in an alternate universe I swear to fucking God. You really have to start coming to grips with this, it's not healthy at all. Get help. If it affected only you I'd say fine, but your obvious mental health issues are bleeding out into the rest of the world and it's starting to harm normal people's lives. Like mine, and I have enough problems I don't want to listen to yours too.

Keri Russel is Somebody

I didn't know who Keri Russel was, but you can bet I do now.

Billie Eillish is Famous for a While

 Billie Eillish, fresh from a five minute controversy about Van Halen showed up with two scarecrows to collect her "Woman of the Year" award from the "Billboard Women in Music" event, while dressed like someone with severe, deep seated emotional problems and teenaged self esteem issues. Woman of the Year? Seriously? Did they run out of women? Because while I don't know much about Billboard's selection process, I feel like they could have picked someone better. On the other hand, there may not have been someone better, which is even more horrifying.

 To be fair she's 17 years old (which I was unaware of when her whole Van Halen thing happened) so I give her a pretty sweeping pass on everything. Have you ever really talked to a 17 year old? They're pretty dumb. Seriously, their central nervous system is literally still developing. She can't even legally buy cigarettes. 17 year olds know almost nothing about anything. Technically she's still a child, in the eyes of the law she's the same as a seven year old or 14 year old.  Legally she can't sign any deals with the record company, or for any kind of endorsements, because she's a child and her mom or dad (or other legal guardian) would have to do it, because you can't enter into a contract with a minor essentially because they have no baseline to work from and could be easily scammed. But the most important thing is she really should be using the last 18 - 20 months of her fame with a better stylist, because the current one she has isn't doing their job. Don't even get me started on those shoes.

Lizzo's Big Night

BIG BIG NEWS "Lizzo" is in the news constantly now though I'm not sure why. I assume she's a singer or quite possibly a "rapper". Boy, she really EXPLODED onto the scene, with INFLATED record sales. Whatever. I couldn't possibly care less who this woman is.

Marie Fredriksson Dead at 61

Marie Fredriksson, singer of 90's musical act Roxette died last night from complications of a past brain tumor. At least that's what I read.  She was 61. (At the urging of a friend, I edited out the last sentence. Trust me it's probably for the best)

Rhianna Sells Some Stuff

Rihanna walked around in a bikini and posted it on Instagram. Possibly to sell lip liner, or maybe to show off her tits. Either way I have zero interest in Rihanna. I'm sure she cares. Or she might if she was anything other than a functioning brain stem, but she's the millionaire, not me so somebody is stupid, and if I had to guess who, it would people that this dullard sells all of this shit too.

Orange is the New Black

I saw this on the Fenty Instagram page and boy is her face red. I hope being orange like that isn't a new fad but it might be. I Googled who that was so I could at least pretend I knew what I was talking about but nothing came up when I typed in Giant Eyebrows on a Pumpkin. Maybe it's her natural skin color in which case, you go girl! I'm a multicultural kind of guy and I don't see any reason why orange and white people can't get along, color is only skin deep and aren't we all the same underneath with all the same hopes and dreams and yadda yadda etc., etc. Did I mention, you go girlfriend?  Yes, I see that I did.

"Juice Wild" or Wrld or Whatever Dead

Another rapper died. I'll link the story if you want to find out who or how because I don't care enough to look. I didn't care enough to even write this but this is the life I chose.


!!!SHOCKING UPDATE!!!

 Chicago rapper Juice Wrld suffered convulsions and went into cardiac arrest as police and federal agents were searching his and his entourage’s luggage for guns and drugs at a private hangar at Midway Airport over the weekend, according to law enforcement sources.

 The search turned up 41 “vacuum-sealed” bags of marijuana, six bottles of prescription codeine cough syrup, two 9 mm pistols, a .40-caliber pistol, a high-capacity ammunition magazine and metal-piercing bullets, according to the law enforcement sources. Two men identified by police as working security for Higgins were charged with illegally possessing the guns and ammunition.

Did I say shocking? Because I meant not shocking. Evidently he swallowed percocets to try to hide them from cops. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Jennifer Lopez is Repeating

Jennifer Lopez wore this dress. Again. She's a multimillionaire, maybe buy something new. Yeah we get it, it still fits, and people talked about it. 19 years ago. She was on Saturday Night Live but I don't know if she was hosting it or what, because you'd have to have a severe head injury to still be watching that garbage dump. Let's face it they're allowing Jennifer Lopez to host it. How low can you get.

Bombshell is a Movie

The picture on the left is a screen shot from a You Tube ad for Charlize Theron's new movie "Bombshell" and in it, she portrays news person (?) Megyn Kelley. Sorry I don't know what Megyn Kelly does anymore I assume she's still a newsperson. Anyway I'm not sure in what capacity Charlize Theron portrays her and I'll never find out because I'll never see this pile of garbage.

 I just thought it was pretty amazing that Charlize Theron, an actual A-List, superstar, Hollywood "bombshell" still wasn't as attractive as the actual Megyn Kelly. I'm sure you're probably already grinding your teeth that someone might find Megyn Kelly physically attractive but that's just because you're most likely mentally ill and have allowed personal political beliefs to cloud your judgement and let them infect everything you do. Which in case you haven't noticed, I'm trying to tell you and have been for years that, that is a very bad thing. Not just for you, but for everyone. Grow the fuck up.  I suppose you could simply disagree with me based on taste or the fact that you're dumb and wrong and that's fine. I guess you could always start your own blog and tell me why. I only ask that you write 1700 blog posts before sending me the link.

Donna D'Errico is Amazing

I haven't looked around for much to write about but I did see Donna D'Errico - 51 Year old
Donna D'Errico - doing something somewhere in that dress so I stopped and clicked on the story faster than a gun fighter in a shoot out in an old timey saloon. I don't know what she was doing but what difference does it make. She was wearing that dress, that's what she was doing.. Plus now if I don't get around to writing anything else, she'll be at the top of this page until I do.

!!!BREAKING!!! ALEXANDRA GRANT STILL HAS GRAY HAIR!!!

Keenannuuu Reeves' girlfriend Alexandra Grant is really milking the whole gray hair "scandal" Grayhairgate if you will. Posting about it on - where else - Instagram along with this...

'Wow. Today's news... The numbers are staggering, especially for womxn of color. I went gray prematurely in my early 20's... and dyed my hair every color along the way until I couldn't tolerate the toxicity of the dyes any more'. 

Womxn? Oh brother. Listen. I only wrote about this because I couldn't find anything else. Maybe 1000 people on the entire planet give a shit what color her hair is. I think they're giving them too much authority about this whole thing.  I personally know a girl that dyes her hair a silver gray on purpose and she's hot as fuck and probably wouldn't even talk to any of you losers so don't tell me hair color matters because it doesn't. Nanu Nanu's girlfriend is just keeping this alive for attention now. Go on don't dye your hair no one cares.

Jason Derulo Is a Real Package

Jason Derulo is mad that Instagram took down his picture because he says, it "shows off his big dick". That's weird, because I can still see all the other Jason Derulo pictures and I'm pretty sure he's a big dick in all of those too.

Kelly Gale is Sharp as a Razor

Victoria's Secret model Kelly Gale had what was described as an "impromptu photo shoot" on a beach in California. Do these people travel everywhere with their own photographer or what. "I'm going to get milk someone call my photographer". To be fair I suppose they probably have to. I mean, she's such an empty vessel that if she stopped modelling for Victoria's Secret tomorrow, no one would remember her name by Thursday. Hey, maybe someone should get her an impromptu pizza or something and maybe teach her how to work with orphaned animals or something, yeesh.

 The best thing the new crop of  Victoria's Secret models though is how they all have dead eyes. Like a doll's eyes. The kind of eyes you see in a wax museum. And also how their arms and legs look like they'd snap like twigs under even the tiniest amount of stress. But hey, keep up the good work, woman who's name I won't remember in two hours.

Orlando Bloom Hits the High Seas

Orlando Bloom finished off the last of his Meade before he shipped out after being shanghaied in San Francisco to work as a slave on a whaling vessel in the Pacific. I didn't think Shanghaiing people was legal anymore but you know how they are in San Francisco.  Anything goes so long as no one gets their feelings hurt.

Keep an Eye on These People

The Germans are at it again. Posting "retro" pictures of Nazi uniforms...

 The uniform, complete with three swastikas, was posted on the armed forces’ Instagram account with a flashing colourful banner that read: “Retro”.A second more detailed caption read: “Also #fashion is an aspect. To this day there are military-style elements in haute couture.”

Haute couture? Are they nuts?  (Yes, yes we all know about Hugo Boss...) You guys know the Germans basically started two all encompassing world wars right? Costing the lives of more than 100 million people. Do you know that? Don't they teach this kind of stuff anymore? I don't know who's in charge of their Instagram account but it seems pretty obvious to me that whoever is in charge of it doesn't have the slightest idea. They may not teach German children about the crimes Germany committed during WWII, that's entirely possible, I know they have all kinds of laws that make even talking about Nazis illegal but they have to make some exceptions, no? Whatever I don't live there, they could make Ming the Merciless their emperor for all I give a shit

Liam Hemsworth is a Stoner

Liam Hemsworth reportedly went and bought some weed at a "weed store" (hence the green cross, I guess)  because he's still upset over his split with Miley Cyrus. I literally laughed out loud as I typed that sentence, doesn't that sound ridiculous? They were married for what, a month? The guy is a multimillionaire, movie star and this is what he does? Dude, don't you have any friends? Go race motorcycles, build a hot rod. Buy a boat and go fishing. Retire and build shelters for the homeless,  Jesus Fucking Christ. I can't even begin to imagine what I'd do as a multimillionaire in my late 20's. The whole thing is just so stupid I just don't even know what else to say. 

Here's Kate Again

Here's Kate Beckinsale again. See? Isn't this weird? I don't really care all that much but the stories are about nothing. This whole source story talked about her in a bikini and heels. That's it. Not why, not that she was going to the beach. Nothing. You watch, Ive noticed a slow uptick in stories about Eva Longoria. She's another one that shows up in stories about nothing in big waves. I'm keeping an eye on them I'll let you know, send me your phone number and I'll keep you updated.