Merry Christmas Donna

 

Uummmm... I wasn't going to write about Donna D'Errico again so soon, but in my defense, how could I not. I mean come the fuck on. 

Rafaella Santos is Someone

 

I'm tired of the World Cup and 500 hot tattooed women in bikinis can't make me care about it. Thank Christ this only happens every four years or two years or whatever. I don't even know if it's still happening and you're never going to get me to check to see if it is.

Bella Hadid Likes Muppets

 Bella Hadid took pictures of her Dark Crystal face and posted them somewhere. I didn't bother to find out where because of all the celebrities I don't care about, she's the one I don't care about the most. I only write most of this crap because someone must care, since somebody is constantly talking about her for some God only knows reason. 

Britney Spears Goes Scooters

 Britney Spears has reached the "wearing a wedding dress all the time" level of not needing a conservatorship anymore.

Donna D'Errico is Lonely

 

Donna D'Errico says she's "lonely". I don't know why she feels this way since I pretty much stopped reading after I got that far because I ran to the flower shop to buy her a truck full of roses before I remembered that I thought she was married to a billionaire? But thank God Google says no. 

It did say she was married to Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue "fame", and I have to admit it'll be a little difficult for me to get past that, but I'm an adult and someone's past is just that, so I'm sure I can get over it. Especially after I just saw this...

I am no angel. I’ve done some questionable things. Some with full knowledge of what I was doing and wish I could forget. Some when I wasn’t in my right mind and don’t care to remember

A woman that looks like that with a dark and mysterious past? Count. Me. In.  I'm not saying I'd marry her without ever meeting her in person, but I'm not not saying that either.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

!!!BREAKING MOLLIE KING NEWS!!!

 OMGOMGOMG MOLLIE KING HAD A BABY!! YES!!! THE MOLLIE KING!!

I realize you may have to sit down after reading this so I'll give you a few moments to get yourselves together.

Jared Leto for the Ladies

 Jared Leto walked around with his shirt off. The most surprising thing about this isn't that he's 50 years old, it's that people still ask about Jared Leto. The last thing I seem to remember seeing him in was Fight Club and I may not be right even about that. And that was in 1999.  Put your shirt on you asshole, I'm sure it's freezing there. You know how you can tell? His 50 year old skin is as tight as a snare drum. That's what happens when it's cold, your skin shrinks and gets tight.  That could also explain why he's wearing baggy pants and not shorts because your skin isn't the only thing that shrinks in the cold if you know what I mean (I'm talking about his dick).

World Cup Etc., Etc.

 Here's what you need to be named "The World Cup's Sexiest Fan". A plastic smile, big tits and a bikini. I already closed to source story so I don't remember her name although I think it's Ivana (of course). Maybe I'll just call her Veronica. I always liked that name, besides I'm sure she doesn't care, as long as you're taking her picture and posting it somewhere so drunken, simple minded soccer fans from India and Pakistan can tell her how sexy she is in the comments.

Kelly Rowland. Disco Queen

 Kelly Rowland looks like she stepped out of Studio 54 and straight into my heart. I have to admit I don't know who she is but her name is familiar to me even though I don't know why. Of course if a girl with that hair walked up to me wearing a tuxedo jacket and nothing else underneath I'd call her whatever she liked up to and including "Wife Number 4".

Chelsee Healy is Somebody

Chelsee Healy (Chelsee?) walked around dressed like an extra from a Whitesnake video and still nobody cared. Of course she's some dim bulb, reality show contestant or something. The next time you think Europeans are smarter than you just remember, these people make up what seems to be about 96% of what they watch on television over there. The other four percent is soccer and reruns of now dead, "punk rock" celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain eating gross food in countries you'll never visit.

The American What Awards?

 The American Music Awards were televised Sunday night, at least I think they were televised there was no way I was going to watch that. Not when "My Name is Earl" is available on demand. The only information I wanted to pass on to you about this event is this...

 Within 10 years you'll have almost zero memory of at least 60% of the people that won an award that night. 

Trust me on this. I know you're saying to yourself, "this geezer is crazy", because yeah I said that too. And music was my life. I was going to include examples of bands/musicians that once sold out stadiums but are now driving from gig to gig in more "cozy" local venues but no joke, I don't remember any. And the late 1990s/early 2000s wasn't really all that long ago.  So buckle up, because time marches on.

All Mariah Carey Wants is Christmas

 Mariah Carey's team tried as hard as they could to stuff her into a red jumpsuit that was two sizes to small for her and wheeled her out to perform "All I want for Christmas is You" for, I assume, Christmas. Trust me, the chunky Frankenstein shoes aren't helping.

Mariah Carey has a reported net worth of $340 million dollars. I realize those sites probably aren't very reliable, but even if it's wrong by 200% she's still fabulously wealthy. She's richer than a lot of rich people. Why don't these people ever just stop and find nice quiet hobbies out in the country somewhere instead of embarrassing themselves like this well into their 40s, 50s and beyond. Do something else. Paint sunsets, and throw popcorn to the ducks in your private mountain lake. I will never understand it.

They Say it's Your Birthday

 Happy birthday Joe Biden

Site Update

 I have some stories - ha stories - ready to go, but I may save them for Monday when it might not be so easy for me to write, I haven't officially decided. I'm a wild card.

Demi Lovato Shoots and Scores

They called Demi Lovato's outfit "Rocker Chic" and not "Saturday Night Lesbian Bar Hopping Gym Teacher" like I would have but that's probably why they get paid to write and I don't.

Yung Miami is Boring

I'm resisting the notion that I need to write about someone that calls themselves "Yung Miami". If this person vanished off the face of the Earth tomorrow who would notice. Almost nobody.

 I can't. I just can't write about her. Of all the boring, simple-minded celebrity types I write about here, I imagine her, and her tacky, boujee trash, Scarface mansion are probably the zenith, the top of the mountain if you will, that they all strive for. She's like a wise man guru or something. Well, she would be if her brain functioned at all.

Rita Ora is Me(n)tal

 Remember when I said Rita Ora was hot? Never mind. 

Olivia Wilde Likes Volvos and Babies

 Olivia Wilde dressed like this to attend the Baby2Baby "Gala". She probably wore that to deflect attention from her being a horrible person (allegedly). This was also in the original story...

...the girlfriend of Harry Styles made her piercing blue eyes pop with a precise application of black liner to create a siren effect.

A peach-toned lip color was softly applied to her pout and her sculpted cheekbones were dusted with a subtle mauve blush.

 I swear this is the worst hobby I've ever picked. And I've been doing this for years. Years before I was even doing it here. Can you believe that?  Can you imagine reading about make up tips from "Harry Styles girlfriend" since like 2008? Because that's how long I've been doing this. 

Site Update

 I'll be working at a different job for the next couple of days with somewhat limited computer access so there will be hit or miss updates but I'll try. Hang loose.

Leslie Jordan I Hardly Knew Ye

 This guy dropped dead a couple weeks ago and everyone is still making a big deal out of it even though I have ZERO idea who he was. Leslie Jordan. That's it. That's all I know I've never even heard his name before he died. He looks short, so maybe he was some kind of civil rights hero for short people. Maybe they'll name a street after him. A cul-de-sac seems appropriate because they're short and round too. Godspeed little doodle

Demi Moore Celebrates

Today is Demi Moore's 60th birthday in case you're 26 and you think you're pretty hot

Jennifer Aniston is Alluring

Jennifer Aniston took some pictures for Allure Magazine. Magazine? Really? I think they just say that because I don't think they make magazines anymore. Kind of like how everyone calls everything Kleenex even though that really pisses off the Kleenex people. She also did an interview where she talks about infertility or something I really have no idea. See, I don't even read those stories about Jennifer Aniston. Of course you're "infertile" you're 53. People have to stop having babies at some point or the whole world would look like that swarm of mice in that one video from Australia. That's shit is crazy isn't it?

I'm Helping!

 I think it's hilarious that the guy with brain damage won his election race. I literally laughed out loud when I saw the news. Honestly, after this nothing you people do will surprise me. Hey, maybe someone should tell him he won.

Marisa Tomei is Cute

 Marisa Tomei was at some fashion thing and I just think she's really cute. She's weirdly sexy. I don't mean in a weird way but there's just something sexy about her even though she isn't constantly parading around in her underwear. Maybe it's how she carries herself? I don't know, but what I do know is I won't be saying anything gross. At least I won't yet,  but let's see where this goes.

Madonna Blows (a Fuse)

 

Madonna went insane. That's the only reasonable explanation for all of this. Yes I realize she's 64 years old now but so what? Denise Austin is 65.  Donna D'Errico is 54.  Jacklyn Smith is nearly 80.  I could sit here and link stories like that all day long.
 

And yes I realize genetics plays a big part in this, but so does dipping your face in acid or whatever the fuck she's doing. Remember this Madonna? That was in 2015, when she was 58. It's not even the same person. Some kind of fuse blew or something. I guess a lot can happen in six or seven years and what she needs is someone to sit down and have a talk with her. For real, I'm starting to feel bad for her because this isn't good. All that money and this is what you do? Post insane videos on Instagram? Shit I do that now and I have about $14 to my name.

Aaron Carter Dead

 

Aaron Carter died this weekend.  No word yet as to how. All I can say is, I hope he gets better. I'll let you know if his condition improves.

Jess Wright is Someone. Itchy.

 Jess Wright said psoriasis made her feel ugly. It's not the psoriasis kiddo, it's your personality. And your eyebrows. Every single one of these female British reality show "stars" look like this. Every one. How do you even tell them apart? Whatever, within 12 months she'll vanish into the ether, never to be heard from again. Hopefully.

Matthew Perry. Again.

 Will everyone please stop talking about Matthew Perry. Seriously, he seems like a nice enough guy but nobody gives a shit.

Maya Rudolph is Sensitive

Maya Rudolph says she still feels traumatized because David Letterman mispronounced her name. Thirteen years ago. 

'He said my name wrong, and I just sat there, like, 'I grew up my whole life in love with you.' And now my heart is broken. And I'm sitting here embarrassed and humiliated.'

Growing increasingly dramatic, the comedienne continued: 'I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know how to come up with something funny to say. My public persona muscle wasn't strong yet.' 

Over time, she said she adjusted - and has since grown a thicker skin. 'I've definitely gotten much better,' she told the publication.

What a fruit cake. This isn't some kid, she was almost 40 years old in 2009 when this happened. Having your name mispronounced by some guy that meets thousands of people a year is one of the worst things that's ever happened to you? Really? What a sheltered life she must've lead.  Something is wrong in your brain. I'd say this is all because she's some kind of genius like Rain Man and she processes information and things differently than the average person but I'm not seeing a lot of genius here. But then again who can say, maybe in 1500 years they'll dig up the writings of Maya Rudolph and have the computers teach it all to your kids.

Laverne Cox Lives Dangerously

I'd never heard of Laverne Cox until about 5 minutes ago but I know who she is now, and I'll be paying attention from here on out. I don't even care if she's stretching her arms out above her head so she looks skinnier, I mean, she doesn't have to do that, she looks fine to me. And what is it with people and the beach. Ten yards behind her it could be a half a mile to the bottom. There are also animals in there that will swallow you whole. Can't you just go for a walk in a shopping mall or something why do you always have to be doing "things". I can't even really swim all that good, listen Laverne this just isn't working out,  we've grown apart and we're just very different people than we were when we met. Maybe give me a call some day.

Takeoff Took off

 In a shocking turn of events, a rapper named "Takeoff" was shot and killed over the weekend. Someone should start a website that gets updated every Monday with all the rappers that got killed during the previous three days. You could call it "Shoot Your Mouth Off!" The best part is you can pay your writers with cheap JCPenney watches that have giant dials.

Lori Harvey. Space Cadet

Halloween is always my favorite time if year. It used to be because it was spooky and creepy but now it's because women walk around dressed like this.  Sorry I forgot to post this yesterday. If you're mad about it talk to the shop steward.

Heidi Klum Wins Halloween

 This is Heidi Klum's Halloween costume on the left. And I guess that's what's under it on the right. Guess which one I prefer. She can even leave on the mask if that's her thing. I'm pretty much game for anything.