Crystal Hefner Sings Like a Bird

Hugh Hefner's last wife Crystal wrote a book about what it was like during her "stay" at the Playboy Mansion and it's pretty much what you'd expect. Sex, orgies, parties, Hugh was a controlling person yadda yadda yadda blah blah scoobidy doo...

I very obviously have never been there so I can't dispute anything she said and I probably wouldn't even if I could. I mean, who really cares anymore. Hugh Hefner died seven years ago, the Playboy Mansion has been sold and I don't even know if Playboy Magazine even exists anymore.

I will dispute one thing however. She says she's 37 and I'm like okay sure you are. Don't get me wrong she's hotter than the Sun but c'mon Crystal let's not start off our relationship with a lie. I don't get this whole age thing but you people are a bunch of whackadoos so maybe that's why people feel the need to shave eight or 10 years off their age. I feel we can work through this little fib though.

The Lady (Lucy Hale) in Red

 Lucy Hale walked around in a super short red skirt and matching red 5 inch heels, and if you knew me at all, you'd know this is a direct line straight into my heart. And I'd never heard of her before 10 minutes ago. Why is that? Thank Christ she's 35 years old and not some 22 year old Instagram dimwit. So let's see, over 35, red classic five inch pumps, brown hair and eyes, breathing... yep she's the one.

Natalie Portman Got Cheated

I was going to write about Natalie Portman and how her husband cheated on her but nobody cares. Imagine looking like Natalie Portman and your husband still cheats on you. One of them has a huge flaw that would cause this and since I'm a man I'll just assume it's her.

 

 

 

 

BRITNEY SPEARS NUDE

 Britney Spears was naked on a beach again. Why? Nobody said why, but I just want you to know Brit it's okay. In fact, I encourage this. Be naked, Be free, if you want to throw on some heels that's fine too or maybe like those boots those equestrian girls wear. 

Okay listen this was supposed to be just a throw away post because I won't be near a PC today until long after 6pm so I was going to just whip something together and now I've veered into some sort of weird Britney Spears sex-fiction. Anyway Britney call me please. Right away.

 

 Too late.

Elizabeth Hurley is Blue

Elizabeth Hurley put on a bikini which is usually a momentous occasion for me but I've been helping my brother move for what seems like the last 94 days and I see this picture and all I can think is, maybe I'll check back later. I love you Liz I'm just worn out but don't worry I'll be back. Trust me. Don't get dressed

Hannah Cox Loves Waddingham Bear Laverne

 Hannah Waddingham took her tits to the Emmy's and she was interviewed by someone named Laverne Cox who also has her tits leaking out everywhere. Once again I'd like to point out that I'm not complaining about that, it's just an observation. Still, I'll let you guess which on was which because I have no idea. I didn't even know the Emmy's happened no matter how many tits they showed so any guess is as good as mine.

One of these two is a "star" of "Ted Lasso", and the other was the star of "Orange is the New Black" which is a name I haven't heard in about 10 years, add that to the fact that I've never seen either of these piece of shit TV shows that seemed to be aimed exclusively at super white women that drink too much Trader Joe's wine and drive Honda Odysseys, (it is a quality car I'll say that much) both of these people could vanish into a black hole - tits and all - and I'd never notice. Safe journey Waddingham Bear

Rihanna is Pregnant!

 I'm kidding, Rihanna isn't pregnant at least I don't think she is, she probably just looks like she is. But in this day and age of the internet and Facebook who can really say. I have no idea what I'm talking about, there are few celebrities I care less about than Rihanna. I know ONE song she did, and I don't know how you tun one hit into a multi-decades long, billion dollar career but it's probably because you people are morons. There can be no other explanation.