Friday, August 28, 2015

Jill Connors is Feisty

I have no idea who this woman is and I've never heard of the television show "Married to Medicine" but there is a reason we're here...
 Jill Connors struck her husband Dr. John Connors in the face and then attacked him with a spoon before allegedly stabbing herself with a knife in an incident that occurred on August 13 in front of the couple's children.
Jill then tried to claim it was her husband who stabbed her with the kitchen knife after he called 911, but police did not believe her story and she was booked for the assault and a charge of cruelty to children.
I'm not writing this because she's a celebrity because she isn't. It's because she has "those eyes" The crazy, wide eyes that look like those round, clear light bulbs you put in your bathroom vanity. When you see those eyes it's time to run in the opposite direction. They always, always have those eyes. Even if you talk to them and they seem perfectly normal and pleasant, and she is physically very attractive (if she's "36" I'm the king of Ethiopia) but just behind those eyes is a swamp filled with insanity gas. I'm sure there's a physical "tell" that men have but since I'm male I don't care what it is. Really you're just going to have to trust me on this. If you don't remember, she got busted for cheating and her solution was to stab herself. You're certainly free to dispute my theory but I don't know how you plan on doing that.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Chelsea Handler is Naked. Again

Chelsea Handler posted a naked selfie on Instagram. Hey, if you can't be funny be shocking right? Or you could get a boyfriend that runs a giant cable television company who knows maybe he'll give you your own show some day.

Demi Lovato is Cute

This was initially about Demi Laovato's sexy new album cover, which I'm surprised they still bothered with. Album covers I mean not sexy pictures hell my computer is full of those. Well, videos anyway. But that's none of your business. No this is about tattoos. Being ultra cool I have plenty of tattoos and I can tell you that cute little psalm or inspirational quote with the tiny little letters is going to be almost completely illegible and nothing but a blue-grey smudge in about 10 years. I know this because I had one covered up. And the ones on your finger? They'll look even worse if it's still even there at all. Girls with tattoos are super sexy but maybe try being original and think of something else would you. Like a tribal arm band or maybe something on your calf. Take it from me, my THE SCORPIONS RULE tattoo will look cool on their next tour you'll see.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Jennifer Lopez Likes Birds

I know it seems like pick on Jennifer Lopez Day but it isn't I swear. I just wanted to ask when she started dating Beaky Buzzard.

Jennifer Lopez Likes Denim

Normally I'd say Jennifer Lopez was pretty hot, especially in 70's clothes, but maybe she shouldn't wear jeans. And I know it's there as an accessory, but I promise she doesn't need a belt, her pants aren't going to fall down. I know she wants to wear it because it's probably expensive since they probably had to melt down a train to acquire enough metal to make that belt but two of her assistants exist simply to help get her pants down over her hips during costume changes. They're paid a lot but I imagine they're worth it.

Jonah Hill Looks Good

Jonah Hill and his girlfriend were out walking around probably looking for something to eat. I'm in no way a peta supporter but I hope somebody made it to that poor little dog in time.

Monday, August 24, 2015

Pippa Middleton is Okay

Pippa Middleton was showing off a little while doing the usual celebrity frolicking at the beach thing and I think the King of Europe or whatever he is married the wrong sister. Her brothers got a little grabby though. I didn't say I blame them but geez man keep that whole trying to keep the royal bloodline thing going behind closed doors would you?

The Foo Fighters are L33t

If you ever wondered why The Foo Fighters are your dad's favorite band, it's because much like your dad, The Foo Fighters still think it's 1987 or in this case, 2008 
 Lead singer Dave Grohl and the gang showed up in a pickup and "rickrolled" the protestors in person by blasting the Rick Astley '80s hit "Never Gonna Give You Up" from the speakers while holding signs that said "You got Rick roll'd (again)" and "Keep it clean."
Who knows maybe they'll try to be a little edgier at future shows and have a video of that Numa Numa guy playing in the background while they perform their new song "4Chan 4ever." Don't worry if you think they're taking their music in a new direction I'm sure it'll sound exactly like all their other songs.

Josh Brolin Walks Around

When Josh Brolin goes out for coffee and doesn't want to be recognized he just puts on his Nick Nolte mask and people avoid him like he has the stomach flu.

Friday, August 21, 2015

Gene Simmons Does it Wrong

I know I'm a little hard on KISS but it's only because I hate them. They have got to be one of the worst bands in the history of music ever. Not really as individuals though I'm sure they're all fine people plus Gene Simmons actually seems like a pretty cool guy.  Paul Stanley can go fuck himself. Anyway I was going to write about how Gene Simmons' house was raided and it had something to do with child porn but according to the cops it has nothing to do with him or his family.
 "No members of the Simmons family are suspects in the case and were extremely cooperative,"
See? It's a non-story.  No, this is about that picture. I don't care if you invented Heavy Metal or if you've been in KISS for 115 years,  that is not how you do the Devil horns salute or whatever it's called. THIS is how you do it. That's "I love you" in sign language. I can't believe I had to link a story from The Jacksonville Florida paper to teach you idiots this. People have been doing that thing since the 70's and you still can't get it right. Don't make me chop off your thumbs because I'll do it.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Jenny McCarthy Looks Good in Pink

I couldn't find much to write about today, couple that with the fact that I also didn't feel like it and you get crap like this. Stories about how I think noted scientist Jenny McCarthy looks pretty damn hot with pink hair. Would I put up with an idiot if she looked like Jenny McCarthy? You can bet your ass I probably would.

Megan Fox Wants a Divorce

Megan Fox is divorcing nerd Brian Austin Green and I say it's about time too.
Their romance has recently been plagued with issues. Though sources remain vague on the exact cause of their split, “things have been rocky."
I know what caused the split but I promised to keep quiet and not say anything didn't I Megan. Don't worry our secret is safe with me. I mean YOUR  your secret. I almost slipped up.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Kevin Hart is a Comedy Giant

Kevin Hart and his girlfriend were spotted out for his birthday the other day. I bet she was taking him to karate class and then Chuck E. Cheese's.

Jason Kay is still Alive

Remember Jamiroquai? Of course you don't, who does? They had a hit here in the US about 20 years ago when people thought hacky sack and those juggling sticks were cool and all my friends switched from giant hair to wearing Birkenstocks virtually over night for reasons that still baffle me. Well it seems Jamiroquai singer Jason Kay has a stalker. And not only that he also has a $7 million dollar house. Don't ask me how the economy works.
Jamiroquai star Jay Kay suffered panic attacks after an infatuated female stalker repeatedly declared her love to him on his doorstep, a court heard.The singer, whose full name is Jason Kay, said he felt 'genuine fear' after the bizarre and unpredictable harassment from Australian-born Ilona Angel.The 51-year-old fan Ilona Angel turned up at the singer's luxurious home in Princes Risborough, Buckinghamshire, on numerous occasions over six months.
 She's 51? I don't know man it seems like you could do a lot worse. And he said he suffered panic attacks and sleepless nights because of her. Jesus what a pussy. I suggest  just giving the lady what she wants. I was going to say maybe she'll chain you up in her basement so we'll never have to hear from you again but this is the first time I've heard about you in 20 years so I guess that really wouldn't make a difference.

Sandra Bullock is Dating Again

Sandra Bullock has a sexy new boyfriend and I think it's pretty obvious she's just trying to make me jealous. Well I have some bad news for you Sandy, it won't work just ask Jennifer Aniston she'll tell you
 He’s a photographer,” says an insider. But he’d be just as well-suited in front of the camera. “Sandra’s boyfriend is very attractive,” one source explains, while another adds, “he’s super hot but also super normal. She’s clearly happy with him.
A photographer? Pffft. I can take pictures. Haven't I sent you like hundreds of pics? And let me tell you that was no zoom lens baby that's all me. When you and Jen are done playing games just give me a call I'll be here. Waiting. By the phone like I usually am.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Johnny Depp and Gene Simmons Care

 Johnny Depp played some songs with Gene Simmons from KISS who looks like some kind of sinister scarecrow that a witch brought to life. I didn't watch the video because KISS has always sucked and I got tired of Johnny Depp's shit about 15 years ago. But it's right there if you're interested. I bet you think Will Ferrell is hilarious too.

Halle Berry is Attractive

Halle Berry wore a see through top on Jimmy Kimmel's show which still isn't enough to get me to watch Jimmy Kimmel. And she has a bra on which sort of defeats the whole purpose doesn't it? Sort of like telling someone to check out your new hair cut while your wearing the helmet from a suit of armor. I didn't bother linking the story because all the stories I read about this basically describe what she wore, which I'm pretty sure you can see for yourself by looking at the picture unless of course your blind in which case how did you get this far in the story you filthy liar.

Friday, August 14, 2015

Nick Jonas Has Some News

I'm not really sure who Nick Jonas is. I've heard the name and that's really about it. I hope he didn't break into that house. Anyway, whoever he is, he says he has a big secret announcement to make and if I had to guess his announcement is that he's really a shaved chimpanzee. At least that's what it looks like to me. You know how you can tell? It's the ears. Always look for the ears.

Sarah Silverman Hangs Out

I'm not sure why and I can't quite put my finger on it, but I don't think Sarah Silverman is as annoying as she used to be.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Carmen Electra is Around

Carmen Electra was opening a Glamour Shots franchise or something and she looks mostly the same. Mostly. I always thought she was insanely hot but something isn't quite right. I can't quite put my finger on it. She's still hot but sort of like seeing that hot, drug addicted prostitute getting arrested on "Cops" kind of way now. You're not supposed to like her but you know you could change her if she'll just settle down and let you try. Why won't you love me back Crystal?

Christina Aguilera Topless

Christina Aguilera posted a topless selfie. I guess someone told her people stopped talking about Christina Aguilera . You can't really see much trust me I enlarged it like 100 times already.
 "Just so you know with me, it's all real, all the time. Felt like it was time to start sharing some personal stuff with you guys... And it's just the beginning. Night night,"
 She looks pretty much how imagined she would. Her house also pretty much looks like I imagined too. A little dog, lots of that plasticy crystal, tacky heels all over the place, the only thing I didn't notice was a tiara or a Chevy Impala but you know they're around there somewhere. I didn't see furniture but I imagine a lot of black lacquer and various crap she got while she was on vacation or at Rent A Center.

Michelle Rodriguez Eats a Mouse

Remember when I said how hot I thought Michelle Rodriguez was? Never mind. I didn't watch the video because I'm sure it's gross and I'm not an idiot but you are so go ahead, knock yourself out.

Katie Holmes is a Good Dresser

Remember way back I got all irritated about Katie Holmes dressing like a crackhead? I'm okay with it now

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Jacqui Ainsley is "33"

I was reading a story about Guy Ritchie's new wife Jacqui Ainsley (right) and what she wore to the theater and it said she was 33 and I was like pffft yeah sure "33".  Don't get me wrong my feelings are known and this blog is chock full o' stories about women over 30.  Anyway she must be a time traveler too because it looks like she brought a young Colonel Sanders to the premier of her husband's new movie which seems a little strange to me but maybe Guy Ritchie was busy with other things. That's Hollywood for you love the one you're with I guess. What a bunch of weirdos.

Elizabeth McGoverm

I'm told this is Elizabeth McGovern from Downton Abbey but I'm pretty sure this is the ghost I heard about of that girl that was killed in a speakeasy in Hollywood in 1928. If you ever see her hitchhiking on that spooky road whatever you do, do not pick her up.

Katie Holmes Directs a Movie

Katie Holmes was in costume on the set for her directorial debut  All We Had  in which she apparently thinks all struggling moms dress and look like crackheads.
Based on the novel by Annie Weatherwax, the coming of age story set during the worldwide financial crisis of 2008 concerns a single mother and her teenage daughter, who find a new home and hope for their future when they move to the small town of Grand River, Ohio.
 Oh it takes place in Ohio? Well she probably is a crackhead then. Sorry I didn't mean to go off all self righteous like that.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Taylor Swift is in a Hurry

Think Your last girlfriend was a little clingy? Taylor Swift met Calvin Harris six months ago --so basically in March -- and has since decided it was about time she spent $7.2 million dollars on a house so she could be close to her new life's love's family. Hey c'mon Calvin, are you serious or aren't you?
Tower of Lethendy boasts eight bedrooms and seven bathrooms in the main house - a Scottish Baronial manor house which dates back to 1570 - as well as two gate lodges and two staff cottages. The estate also includes its own 18-hole golf course, heated swimming pool and tennis courts across the 40-acre site.
 Remember when she spent $4.9 million dollars after dating him for "several months" so she could be close to Conor Kennedy? In her defense that was probably so he wouldn't have to drive too far when he was drunk to pick her up for dates. I like Taylor Swift but if she was a normal person, she'd be the girl at the end of the bar no one would talk to because the next day she'd be pushing her baby carriage to your house with her little bulldog in it dressed up like a baby.

Simon Cowell is on Vacation

Jesus don't these people do anything besides frolic in the goddamn ocean? And you knew Simon Cowell had a jet-ski. He's exactly the guy kind of guy that would. I don't know how to describe it but I bet he scuba dives, has one of those new Camaros and a speed boat too because he's a man of action. And I imagine at one time he had a bright red Corvette Stingray or a white, and gold Trans Am in 1977 with a trunk full of amyl nitrate and Olympia beer that he drove from disco to disco while blasting Donna Summer.  And if he doesn't have at least one of those dumb three wheeled motorcycles with the two wheels on the front I'll eat my hat.

Howard Stern Looks Good

What the hell happened to Howard Stern? When did he turn into a girl's high school volleyball coach? The weird thing is, he kind of looks like my Aunt Dell.  She had a little dog that loved to eat crayons and all of her furniture was covered in plastic but I haven't seen or heard from her since I was a kid and I'm starting to wonder now if she's been leading a double life this whole time. If you're reading this "Howard" I'm sorry about that time I threw a mango through your kitchen window.

Monday, August 10, 2015

Chloe Lattanzi Returns From the 80's With a Message

Olivia Newton-John's daughter Chloe Lattanzi showed up to the 5th Anniversary of Xanadu something, something dressed like an extra from a Poison music video. I thought she was only 18 or 19 so I was going to make a smart mouthed comment on how she looked "18 going on 45"  but it turns out she's actually almost 30.  I'm not sure that's any better but I guess when you're 66 year old mother is still hotter than you it's a lot to live up to

Mariah Carey is Healthy

Mariah Carey was out testing her new titanium heeled shoes while their horrified inventor looks on. She has a "residency" type show at Caesar's Palace kind of like Howard Hughes I guess but instead of living on one whole floor of the hotel, she just sort of hangs out in the buffet.

Kylie Jenner is Really Really Awful

Kylie Jenner was given a $320,000 Ferrari for her 18th birthday which doesn't really surprise me even a little bit because the entire Jenner family is a horrible freak show, and a materialistic blight on society. No, what surprises me is that "rapper" Tyga can afford to buy and then give away a $320,000 car. Maybe 50 Cent is his financial adviser

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Nicolas Cage is a Family Man

A befuddled Nicolas Cage brought his son, 24 year old Weston Coppola "Darkness Exordiom" Cage along for the premier of his new political thriller The Runner. After the movie they stopped by the graveyard and had a seance, drank some blood -- it was really strawberry Kool-Aid -- while Metallica's Fade to Black played on his friend Katie "Evilash" Whitehall's older brother's portable radio but the aux cable is messed up so it only comes out of one speaker.

Jennifer Aniston Gets Married

Jennifer Aniston insists on trying to make me jealous by marrying some guy I've never heard of.  
 Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux have married in a secret ceremony at their $22m Bel Air mansion. The couple are understood to have exchanged vows in an intimate A-list ceremony on the grounds of their stunning California estate on Wednesday.
 Understood to have exchanged vows? See, I knew it was all a ruse. I told you Jen, it won't work. I wish you'd just stop with all the games. How many letters do I have to send you every day before you believe me. 40? 50?  Because I'll do it.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Gwen Stefani Shaves Her Bush

Gwen Stefani finally took my advice and dumped that loser husband of hers, George Bush or whatever the Hell his name is who cares anyway. There was some cutesy picture of them together that was torn down the middle that I wasn't going to use because I didn't want that loser on my site. The important thing is he's out of the way now so we can get this thing going Gwen. Just don't answer the phone at my house okay? There are some bill collectors...and anyway it's a long story but don't worry everything is cool now.