Dopes

Here you go. The sparkly mask. I told you. It's like I have a crystal ball isn't it?

I'm Sorry for Everything Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow is on the cover of the new "Shape" magazine, and I hereby officially take back any negative thing I've ever said about Gwyneth Paltrow - 47 year old Gwyneth Paltrow -  and they shall never be repeated from this day going forward until the end of the universe.

Marisa Tomei Hates Being a Mom

Marisa Tomei said she regrets taking "mom roles".

'I really regret starting down this road and I really regret starting to do that,' Marisa said of shifting to roles in which she plays the mom.

She can pretend to be my mom. If you know what I mean. Nothing weird. At first.

Ashley Greene is Cute. Dumb.

Isn't Ashley Greene cute? I don't remember why she's in the news, it was probably nothing really, they had some paparazzi pictures of her laying around so they probably talked about her outfit (t-short/leggings). Once again this isn't a slam so don't take this the wrong way but she's not 33. Anyway I'm not getting into all that again it's not important. What is important is the bottom picture. Why, why, why, why, why are you walking around outside by yourself in a mask. I just do not get it. I'll overlook a lot of things but, overlooking this is getting to be far too difficult. The level of idiocy required to walk around outdoors by yourself in a mask is just an instantaneous reason for me to think less of you. That's not a joke either. You had your chance with me Ashley and you blew it with this outdoor mask nonsense. Now where will you find another internet loser that would willingly fulfill your every command and desire? Nowhere.

Kyle Richards is Somebody

Here's Kyle Richards walking to lunch. Outside by herself. Wearing a mask. See where this is going? Does she drive in her car by herself while wearing it? I don't know who she is but I just assume every "famous" woman age 35-60 with the last name Richards was probably married to Kieth Richards. Prove me wrong you can't. 

Ashley Roberts and the Polka Dots of Doom

Ashley Roberts is some soulless British reality show bimbo, I think. I honestly have no idea and I think I may have even written about her before, but I refuse to learn anything. Yes I actually have.  But okay we're going to have a problem because this whole polka dot thing seems to be happening. I realize those aren't actually dots but it's close enough. Are you people doing this on purpose?

Sean Penn is Unlikeable

Sean Penn said he knows he's a "difficult person to like", and went on to prove it by blaming everyone else.

There’ve been several times I’ve worked with directors who I felt might have found a different job description, and perhaps weren’t the storytellers that their initial meetings with each of us actors might have indicated

Sean Penn used to be considered by some to be part of the whole "intelligent Hollywood"(lol), back in the early 2000s when that was a minor "thing" happening. But I remember some essay he wrote, I think it was for Playboy(?), and someone that was mad at him released the unedited version of it and it looked like it was written by the sixth grader that had to wear a helmet to school. It wasn't written in crayon but it may as well have been. It was so bad I didn't believe it was even real. But trust me, that baby was real and it was hilarious.  I saw it only once or twice, and I've looked for this unedited version for literally years and I can't find it anywhere. Fast Times at Ridgemont High is a classic 80's Teen Movie but I can't remember seeing him in anything else because even the sight of him and his weird T-Rex arms enrages me. Anyway, fuck Sean Penn.