Natalie Portman Dated Moby?

Natalie Portman called musician (is he?) Moby "a creepy old man" with Natalie Portman apparently forgetting that she's very nearly 40 years old. He's 53. I hate to break this to her, but he's solidly in her dating pool now. Even at 37, she's technically old enough to have grandchildren, and I personally know 37 year old grandparents, so I think she's fooling herself. I once saw a woman on a TV talk show refer to herself as a "young girl". She was 43. I admit in this day and age 43 isn't old at all but let's not get carried away. It's entirely possible her comment was taken out of context but too bad, I didn't read the article and I'm not correcting anything here, what are you my editor? No. You're not. I'm my own man baby and I'll massage these stories in any way that benefits me as I see fit.

Natalie Portman Got Cheated

I was going to write about Natalie Portman and how her husband cheated on her but nobody cares. Imagine looking like Natalie Portman and your husband still cheats on you. One of them has a huge flaw that would cause this and since I'm a man I'll just assume it's her.

 

 

 

 

Natalie Portman Loves the Nightlife

 Natalie Portman dressed like she was going to a disco for a night of cocaine and public sex. I mean, even right down to the eye make up. Did she dress like this for me? I bet she did. You know she probably reads this blog and wants to impress me. Mission accomplished Natalie, I definitely noticed.

Natalie Portman is Attractive

Natalie Portman was all smiles and aaaallll legs as she went into the Good Morning America studios to be interviewed with John "Giant Wiener" Hamm about their new movie probably no one will go see. I very seldom see people talk about how attractive she is, and I wonder why. Because she is. That's why I wrote this. Listen Chief, I'm here to mostly talk about girls and high heels and if you want in-depth reporting about substantive issues go look somewhere else, it's a big internet.

Natalie Portman is Leggy

 It was a tough call but even Natalie Portman in that dress and heels can't make me go see whatever piece of crap they were talking about in this story. Sorry, I don't know the movie because I saw this picture and I pretty much stopped paying attention after that.

Natalie Portman Has Style

Natalie Portman is on the cover of The New York Times style magazine (?) and she's 35 now and in that sweet spot where she looks really good instead of like 10 years from now when she'll probably be able to star in the remake of "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane" without the need for make up.

Natalie Portman is the Boss

 Have I mentioned that I like Natalie Portman? Because I do. She was at her Pachinko premier and I assume that's a movie and not that weird vertical Japanese pinball game. Why would she get involved with that? Unless she's a secret member of the Yakuza which - who knows - is entirely possible. She was dressed so nice too not like some of these idiots today. She looks like a high powered executive or something, and I'm just the new guy that works in the mail room and she notices me from afar while I'm working and then one day I save her from a malfunctioning elevator and she takes me back to her giant pink and yellow mansion and we make love and eat crumbly chocolate chop cookies all day. 

Natalie Portman Goes Green

 Natalie Portman dressed up like an old lesbian going to a Greenpeace meeting and walked her dog. She looks skinny. And not a good skinny, I hope she's okay. All of this excitement comes after she dropped out of some movie that was filming in Australia for "personal reasons" and hightailed it back to the US before the Australian government locked everyone in their homes because 400 people got sick out of a population of 26 million. I can't imagine why she didn't want to stay.

 I think what she did was wrong. Elsa Pataky lives there you know. Plus that Thor guy is always walking around with his shirt off, why would you want to miss all of that? That other guy lives there too, the American actor. The one with the abs. Michael or Chris something? I can't think of his name, Pete I think. You know, the guy? I think he was in the Baywatch movie with the wrestler? If you think of his name give me a call.