Tina Fey is Unreal

 Tina Fey was at The Golden Globes last night, and even up against actresses that were literally half her age she was ten times hotter and I sort of wish I'd watched them now. Luckily for me the still photos are every bit as good as not having to sit through that televised holocaust. She's shockingly hot and I just don't even know what to say.

Gwyneth Paltrow is Fat Now

 Gwyneth Paltrow did some ridiculous Zoom interview, and she complained that she put on weight during the scamde- I mean pandemic, and now the fact that she's actually had Covid it's made it difficult for her body to "snap back" from a weight gain. 

'I think maybe some of it is because I got COVID,' she said. 'My physician in New York was saying that that was affecting a lot of his patients' metabolisms as well.

'What I really noticed was the snap back that I used to have — you know, if I gained some weight and I wasn't happy, I could quickly eat really well for a couple of days, exercise a lot, and it would all be gone.

I'm going to give you some hard to hear news Gwyneth, it's not Covid that's making it hard for you to lose weight, it's your age. You're almost 50 years old, and that's what happens. I know that's hard to hear, but I didn't invent the human body, so if you have a complaint about that, why don't you give God a call. Or I guess you can always tell him yourself in about 20 years or so.

Is Elizabeth Hurley Pervert. I mean Perfect.

 Sorry I didn't write anything yesterday, real life got in the way and frankly, I didn't have to read about these assholes for 24 hours, so that was a good thing. As usual Elizabeth Hurley posted some bikini pictures on her Instagram so I guess that's something since that seems to be all she does. I wish she wasn't so physically attractive then I probably wouldn't care so much. Unfortunately she seems kind of smart and funny too, at least from what I've seen and I just pray to God she isn't some kind of secret pervert because that would pretty much make her the perfect woman. I suppose if she was she could always send me some pictures or - even better - some video. I'll be waiting.

Luke Evans for the Ladies.

 I'm writing about Luke Evans strictly for the ladies. The things I do for you people. He was at the beach with his "friend". I hate to tell you this, but I'm not even sure which one he is. Why don't you take a guess? You have a 50/50 shot at getting it right, and even if you don't, it really doesn't matter all that much.  I don't even have to meet the women reading this to tell you you're not his type. Like really not his type. Sorry about that, but if you want to spend your days looking at shirtless, muscular dudes on the beach in Speedos, with neatly trimmed facial hair hanging out together you're going to get it wrong once in a while.

Kelly Osbourne is Dating

 Kelly Osbourne kissed her boyfriend who I would bet $1 billion dollars is named Greg. I can also guarantee that he is an atheist that owns at least one copy of The Satanic Bible, and thinks Zack Wylde is the greatest guitarist that ever lived. You know how I know that? Because I've known 200 guys like him. I'm not saying he isn't really cool or a nice guy, he's probably both of those things, but I'll never meet him so I can say whatever I want. Puppy kicker.

Vincent Cassel is Famous Enough for This

 Vincent Cassel (left) is apparently a "screen star", although I'd never heard of him before 10 minutes ago. He's married to Tina Tunakey (On the right. Obviously). He's 53 years old and she's 23 years old. I've written extensively about "age gaps" and how I think they're too ridiculous to even be noted but c'mon dude. She's 23. She was in high school five fucking years ago. What the fuck could she have to say to you that you'd have any interest in. Her central nervous system is still developing. 

And yes I know, I know, it's not about conversation yadda yadda yadda but seriously. You have to live with this person. Do you even know who the people making the music she likes are? And forget about him for a second what about her? The dude looks like a crack head. I Google searched some images that were of him not wearing a hat in the ocean and it didn't get better. Whatever if you guys like each other, more power to you. I don't have to listen to her.

 

Priyanka Chopra Looks Different

 I think I've written about Priyanka Chopra in the past. And oh! Lookie here I sure did. It was big news today that she left her house without make up, but I'm not sure those two women in the picture are even the same people. How did they know for sure it really was her?  If you want my advice Priyanka don't leave the house without make up. Maybe put on some ChapStick or something before you walk out the door next time.

Lottie Moss is Sisterly

 Lottie Moss and her friends walked out to the pool, reenacted a Van Halen video, and stepped right into my heart. The source story said she was the sister of super model Kate Moss but Lottie is also "23" years old, which frankly I'll be honest, I ain't buying. On the other hand, I do realize British women always look at least 10 years older than they really are so maybe it's an optical illusion. That would mean shes 24 years younger than Kate which isn't impossible at all. Different fathers or maybe different mothers could explain the age difference.  Whatever, whether she's 23, 33, or 43 it really makes no difference to me. Her and her friends obviously like partying like groupies for Cinderella and that makes them okay in my book. I don't care how old you are Lottie, toss me a beer and let's get this party started.

Amanda Holden is 50

Amanda Holden did this for her 50th birthday, although what would compel you to do this for a birthday I have no idea. But if Amanda Holden keeps taking off her clothes, I'll keep writing about her, so mission accomplished. Even after all these stories I have no idea who she is. Some MILF lady that takes her clothes off that's about all I know. Frankly that's all I need to know..

Katharine McPhee is Swollen

 Remember when I wrote about Katharine McPhee? Of course you do, it was two days ago. If you didn't click on the headline of this particular post you can probably still see it down there. This sudden flurry of Katharine McPhee news is probably because she's pregnant. Further cementing her ties to her husband David Foster. How can a guy be famous and I've never heard of him. I don't mean the flash in the pan rappers that won't live to see next year, or the latest dim bulb reality stars. No one over the age of 22 knows who they are, I mean really famous people.  And you'd think the guy with $150 million dollars in the bank could buy some new jeans. I won't even start about how they're walking around outside by themselves wearing masks, which I've decided is a good thing. This way you know who you can avoid talking too. It's kind of like a removable face tattoo.

Halsey has a Baby Daddy

 I guess we found out who Halsey's "baby daddy" is. Can we please stop saying baby daddy? White trash morons. What is wrong with you people. Anyway his name is Alev Aydin or something like that and I hope she likes being tied up with that guy for quite literally the rest of her life. The guy's a fucking tool, just look at him. Whatever, have fun making him get a job, or clean the house or whatever it is you famous people do with a non-working spouse.

Katharine McPhee Takes a Dip... For a Walk

 36 year old Katharine McPhee took her 71 year old wallet out for a spin this weekend. It looks like they went to some kind of pond. Maybe that's a thing in Britain. "Tallyho my good man! Want to go sprite for a shinny in the mini-dip?" is what they say all the time. They called her a "singer" but I call myself a Lightning Wrangler it doesn't mean it's true.

Beyonce has "Curves"

Here's Beyonce showing off her "curves". That's what internet websites say when they don't want to say someone has an unnaturally out of proportion fat ass. I'll include the link because I stopped reading about Beyonce at least seven years ago. So if you're interested in whatever she's doing, read the story here and let me know what it was about sometime if we ever meet in person.

Rose McGowan Is Still Rose McGowan

Rose McGowan did something in a bikini but I saved this days and days ago so I don't remember exactly what it was. Rose McGowan in Planet Terror was just about the hottest female human on Earth.  I'll watch the beginning of that movie just for her since the rest of it mostly isn't that great. It's okay I guess. Anyway, there's your Rose McGowan update. Oh wait. Don't forget about Fergie in that movie too. Maybe I should watch this again.

Amelia Gray Hamlin Busts Out

 Amelia Gray Hamlin showed off her tits on Instagram which is so rare these days. It's refreshing to see a woman take control of her sexuality and post mostly nude photos of herself all over the internet.  Thank God she showed up to set the world on fire. She threw in her horrible eyebrows as a kind of a weird freebie. She's Harry Hamlin's daughter by the way. He was on LA Law 75 years ago, and 50 years before that he also played Perseus in the original Clash of the Titans. I don't even know how old she is but oh hey look at that she's a perfectly legal adult 19 years old now so nice tits I guess.

Demi Jones is a Real Doll

 Here's someone named Demi Jones in her underwear. I'm told she's an actual human person and not a latex sex doll. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess the sex doll probably has a better personality.

Tammy Hembrow Goes Fishing

 Tammy Hembrow is a "fitness model", so here she is, being fit. I guess.  I have some exceedingly bad news for her, and for everyone else. She's not a "fitness model".  THIS is a fitness model.  Her name is Michelle Lewin, and here's her Instagram that you want to see. You do. Trust me. So you can stop pretending. Putting on a latex dress and walking around outside half naked doesn't make you a fitness model. We all know. If you want to post pictures of yourself wearing a cargo net while lifting weights you don't have to justify it with fancy names, or excuses, just do it. At least be honest about it, no one cares anymore, it's 2021, seriously it's okay. Do you think if I sent everyone naked pictures of myself they wouldn't arrest me because I captioned them "Fitness Expert"? Not for a third time it wouldn't. .

Britney Spears Likes 'Em Greasy

 Here's Britney Spears and her boyfriend, Greasy Jones. He called her dad a dick or something, I have no idea why people keep asking this dullard questions. I wrote this because I felt kind of bad about that crummy, throw away Kim Kardashian post from a few minutes ago. Pretty cool how I can just whip these together in about five minutes isn't it? I'm like one of those guys that dug the Panama Canal by hand.

Not Gonna Do It

 I said I wouldn't write about Kim Kardashian anymore and I won't. End of story.

Margot Robbie is a Godfather

      *** !!! ATTENTION EVERYONE!!! *** !!!MARGOT ROBBIE DYED HER HAIR BLACK!!!***

It's for a movie that's being made by someone named David O. Russell. They keep mentioning his name in these stories like I'm supposed to know who that is.  I don't know why I'm expected to know everyone's name in Hollywood. I don't, what am I, a drag queen?  Anyway, there's no mention of the name of this "movie" but this has been all over the celebrity rags like she cured polio again or maybe cancer or something. So she dyed her hair black it's not like she got a giant La eMe tattoo across her back. Which I'll be honest I probably wouldn't mind all that much. I know a great artist if you want to go together. I'll get something too.

Suns Out Guns Out

 Chris Hemsworth took a break from filming "Batman Savior of Wolverine's Homeland 3" to hang out with his family at home. They probably put a lot of shrimps on the barbie and had bar fights or something. He's wearing that specific shirt because it's less to take off later when he goes to the beach and pretends to do yoga.

Elizabeth Hurley Goes to the Beach

 Look it's nine degrees outside right now where I live. Nine. So if there's a new story about Elizabeth Hurley on a warm and sunny beach in a bikini somewhere, I'll write about it okay? Listen, I don't ask for a lot just give me this one thing, okay?

All Eyes are on Jennifer Lawrence

 Jennifer Lawrence got hit in the eye with broken glass while filming a scene for whatever movie she's going to be in. That's really awful. I make fun of these people but I don't want anything really bad to happen to them. They're really just people with weird jobs that I'm kind of jealous of that are easy to tease.

I hope her face isn't damaged that could end her career. That sounds horrible to say but it's true, and the truth doesn't care whether you like it or not. And I've been hit in the eye with shit, and I can tell you, it is not fun. I've broken bones, teeth etc., but man, leave my eyes alone, it's torture. A woman commited suicide over eye pain after a surgical procedure. It's no joke. 

So this is one of those times I feel really bad for her. Hang tough and maybe they'll give you a cool eye patch like a pirate. I had to wear one of those stupid gauze ones.

Salma Hayek is Huge

 Salma Hayek is producing a show called "A Boob's Life" 

The 54-year-old actress has signed on to develop an adaptation of Leslie Lehr's book A Boob' Life as a TV series for HBO Max, according to Deadline.

Hayek will produce through her Ventanarosa Productions company, which has a first-look deal with HBO Max.

 The series will be a half-hour comedy following a 40-year-old woman named Leslie, whose life is upended when her breasts start talking to her.

Salma Hayek's boobs definitely talk to me so I  think this is a good fit for her. She went on to say..

'In A Boob’s Life, we use breasts as a metaphor for the constant judgement women are submitted to, creating a collective sensation that no matter what we do we are never enough,' she added.

'In this show, we give the breast a voice that takes us through the life of a woman from a unique perspective that often we don’t dare to see,' Hayek concluded.

Oh. Okay. Wow. That sounds super fun. I should make sure I pick up my hair shirt from the cleaners in time to see the premier.  I can wear it while I kneel on some pebbles while I watch it, maybe I wouldn't be a bad person then. Okay well, thanks for ruining this for me Salma. Have fun making your television show. Maybe when you're done with this you can come over and yell at me for that one time I went to a strip club yesterday

Jennifer Lawrence Doesn't Have a Twin

 I saw this picture of Jennifer Lawrence on the set of her new movie, "You Probably Won't See This" and I immediately thought "Wow! She looks like Rebecca De Mornay" and so I looked up some pictures of Rebecca De Mornay and quickly realized, "No. No she doesn't at all". Sorry Jennifer, I'm not in charge of what people look like.

Justin Timberlake Hates Denim

 Buster Timberlake says the internet won't let him forget that time he and Britney Spears wore denim outfits to the American Music Awards in 2001...

'I confess that there was maybe a period in the ’90s where I could skip over some of the outfits that were public, but the internet will never.'  

Denim on denim on denim on denim that will never be forgotten,' John (Legend) chimed in, as Justin responded: 'Thanks, John. Uh, no, the internet won't allow me to forget them. So it's all good.'

 Who fucking cares, Britney looked GREAT, what else matters. I can't even find the picture of the two of them together anymore. Is Rusty Timberlake even still famous? Fuck that guy. You're lucky anyone even still talks about you Dustin, or whatever your name is. 

Don't listen to them Britney, I bet that dress still fits you like a glove. Why not bring it over? I LOVE denim, I have some denim stuff too it'll be fun!

Silento May, or May Not be Dead

 I forgot I had this story for yesterday about the guy in the picture. I think his name is Silento? Cilatntro? Whatever his name is, I believe he's a rapper that was either killed, or killed somebody. Why don't you look it up. I don't really keep track of these stories too much anymore, because it's so hard to tell what's going on these days with rappers shooting at each other like those games at the carnival where you have to shoot out that little red star to win an Aerosmith mirror. Aren't those games a rip off?

Natalie Portman is Leggy

 It was a tough call but even Natalie Portman in that dress and heels can't make me go see whatever piece of crap they were talking about in this story. Sorry, I don't know the movie because I saw this picture and I pretty much stopped paying attention after that.

Eva Mendes Claps Back

 Eva Mendes is clapping back at her haters about her having plastic surgery, or maybe she didn't have plastic surgery, I'm not sure which. I'm also going to start saying "clapping back at my haters"...

The retired actress, 46, took to social media on Monday saying she 'wanted to clear up' a few things after her response to a comment lead to a piece claiming she 'denied plastic surgery accusations.'

'Never "denied plastic surgery,"' she wrote while sharing a grab of a headline. 'All I did was reply to a specific comment on SM,' she continued. 'Would never deny that stuff. I’m all for it. All. For. It.'

Good for her. I will never understand what it is about plastic surgery some people don't like, and why they would attack others for having any kind of procedure done. If you can look good, or better, or make yourself feel better, why on Earth wouldn't you? 

It's possible plastic surgery couldn't help those people so they just shit on it constantly. Sorry you were born so physically ugly and repulsive that even 21st Century science cant help you. Now leave me and Eva alone.  .

Sophie Xeon Dead

Sophie Xeon died.

"Tragically our beautiful Sophie passed away this morning after a terrible accident. True to her spirituality she had climbed up to watch the full moon and slipped and fell,"

 She was a "transgender DJ" in case you didn't know. I can decipher that statement for you if you want. Here goes...

Sophie died after she fell trying to take a selfie in front of the moon while standing on a cliff 

Obviously I can't know that for certain, but if you learn to read between the lines it can make your life a lot easier. Plus what I described is actually not a rare thing.  Here's the actual link, sorry.

Welcome Back Demi Moore

 Demi Moore's face is back to normal , and the proof is the Instagram picture she posted after the fashion show thing. And thank God too. I was actually relieved to see this.  I'm glad you're back Demi. Call me. The usual number..

A Record for a New President

 31,000 people have died from Covid since Joe Biden became president.

Olivia Attwood is The Leader

 Here's another Olivia in a bikini. This one is blonde though so it's different. I see she's trying to carve out her niche among the Olivias. Who knows, maybe she's their queen or something. All hail Queen Olivia The Blonde.

Pink has a Type

 Joey Fatone of NSYNC "fame" says he asked out Pink a couple of times but it didn't work out.

 I actually asked her out a few times and we went out,' Joey later added.'We were cool as heck. But I guess I wasn’t her type, so that was it.

Pink has what is essentially a Mohawk, and her husband is a tattoo covered, dirt bike, and off road vehicle racer. Joey Fatone is basically a doughy guy from Brooklyn so I'm kind of kind of shocked he wasn't her type.. ..