Happy Birthday Yesterday Halsey

It was Halsey's 26th birthday yesterday. She gets talked about an awful lot, even though a lot of it is nonsense, so it's easy to get news about her. Plus she's really nice to look at. Also the big news of today was last night's presidential debate and everyone on the internet has replaced having a personality with political tribalism so this is probably going to be about as much news as there's going to be for the rest of the day.

Jennifer Aniston is a Quitter

 

Jennifer Aniston said she's thought about quitting Hollywood 

'It was an unprepared project, we've all been a part of them, you always say: "I'll never again! Never again! I will never back up into a start date!"'

The actress added that the script 'wasn't ready' and she was stuck on the project for three months. 

It comes after Jennifer admitted in June that playing Rachel Green on Friends left her feeling typecast in Hollywood.    

In an interview with The Hollywood Reporter, the actress shared that she has fought 'forever' for the industry to see her as something different than 'that girl in the New York apartment with the purple walls.'

 Good. She should quit. Then come pick me up, we'll go horseback riding. Why would you want that job anyway. Hanging around with all those Hollywood creeps and perverts. You're in your 50s now, you have $300 million dollars and you only get one trip on this planet what are you doing? Waiting to be in the next Adam Sandler Netflix movie? C'mon. There must be a million things you can think of that's good to do. Restore furniture, rescue animals, build a little workshop out back and stain wood for no reason who gives a shit, anything has to be better than that. Maybe be like Paul Newman and help sick kids and race dirt bikes or stock cars or something (that would be hot as Hell by the way). I knew a girl that drag raced motorcycles. Not street bikes, drag bikes. And she looked like a pornstar to begin with, it only made her hotter. And becoming hotter than she already was, was no small feat. Well, it's your life I can't live it for you, but if you need life ideas give me a call.We can sit around and watch old, cheesy 70s biker movies like The Born Losers, or CC and Company all day while we think up ideas. Just call the usual number.

John Hamm and Eggs

John Hamm and his girlfriend Anna Osceola enjoyed some time at The Beach of the Silly Walks in Santa Barbara, this weekend. They keep calling these people "Mad Men" co-stars like it didn't go of the air five years ago. I don't even remember what that show was about, or even what year it was five years ago, so I think you can stop describing them that way now. Either way I hope they had fun building sand castles, or eating hot dogs or whatever it is you people that insist on going to the beach do. I lived in Florida, where everything is the beach, and trust me, it's not all it's cracked up to be. There's sand everywhere, it's hot, gross, slimy oil covered people are constantly bumping in to you it's disgusting. But have fun getting dragged out to see by a rip current where tiny fish will feast on your sun bloated corpse and they'll never find your bones to give you a decent burial so your ghost will wander the seas until you can join up with The Flying Dutchman, John. 

Queen Letizia is Shocking

 Queen Letizia of Spain went to some meeting about poor people or something, but the original story talked mostly about her clothes so I have no idea what she was doing. Not that I'd care anyway. Normally I avoid writing about royal families, because the whole idea of a royal family anywhere in the world in 2020 to me is totally ridiculous. But she's so shockingly attractive that I felt compelled to say something. Don't even get me started on her shoes, which I'm almost 100% sure weren't made for walking in - if you know what I'm sayin -  and I think you do. She looks like she walked out of a James Bond movie it's unbelievable.

 Have you ever watched those Spanish-language, Mexican soap operas with Erik Estrada? I have, and my friend from Mexico, Otto (yeah I know) told me the actresses on those shows aren't usually from Mexico, they're mostly from Spain. So guess who's saving up for a one way ticket to Spain. But I'm sorry, I won't call Letizia "my Queen" like I was some low-rent rapper, we'll have to come up with a better nickname. Maybe we can work on it over dinner, what do you say? I'll try to remember my wallet this time.

Gwen Stefani Stands Around

It looks like it's a Gwen kind of day, so let's talk about Gwen Stefani still walking around like it's 1996 with a flannel tied around her waist. I can ignore her in 2020 just like I did in 1997 so whatever. This had something to do with her selling glasses. Are they like beer goggles? Because you'd probably need them the next morning so you better get yourself a pair.

Lili Reinhart is My Kind of Gal

 

Riverdale "star" Lili Reinhart says she's bi-sexual and loves strip clubs. My. What a shocking revelation.

'My close friends and my castmates, maybe they didn't know that I was bisexual, they were probably like, 'Why does this girl like strip clubs so much?' And I'm like, 'Well, now you know!''

I guess that makes two of us. Well, not the bisexual part BECAUSE I'M ALL MAN, but I like strip clubs. A lot. If she's into unintentionally bad 1960s and 1970s biker movies and eating French onion dip straight from the container, fist fighting, and working on old cars, maybe we could hang out sometime. You know, really get to know each other. Okay she's 24 years old and obviously under 30, which usually goes against a hard and fast rule for me, but we can figure it out. Over drinks. While we're surrounded by naked girls. At Scores. 

Happy Birthday Gwyneth Paltrow

 Gwyneth Paltrow posed naked in her backyard for her 48th birthday. Normally I'd be against this sort of thing, and if you saw my neighbors you'd know why, but I think this is probably okay. And quite frankly I'd encourage it. It was said her 16 year old daughter was "aghast" but as recently as 2012 her daughter still thought the tooth fairy was leaving her money for her old teeth, so what the fuck does she know. Someone tell that kid to shut up and let the grown ups talk. Keep going Gwyneth, what were you saying?