Hilary Clinton Shot, Skinned a Couch

 

Hilary Clinton and The Fonz were out walking Sunday to show off Hilary’s new coat. Can a person that would wear that in public be trusted with their finger on the button? I wouldn’t think so but I don’t get to make that decision. That’s up to our mighty lizard overlords.

Eliza Dushku has a Birthday

Eliza Dushku turns 35 today. Or maybe it was yesterday. I'm not really sure it's one of those days. Anyway, I recognize her name but I don't think I've ever seen any of her movies or television shows, and for all I know she's just a hot waitress somewhere that some anonymous content provider was trying to impress. If you asked me who it was I would have thought Eliza Dushku was a cartoon elephant that taught children lessons about tolerance, and the environment.

Star Wars is Coming

Star Wars The Force Awakens opens soon! So go see it and then shut the fuck up about it would you? Jesus Fucking Christ.

Cindy Crawford Goes Bowling

Cindy Crawford put on her best Caitlyn Jenner disguise and took her kids bowling for charity. Maybe it was a charity that hands out costumes of transgendered heroes to underprivileged kids how should I know what am I a private investigator?

Jennifer Lawrence is Still Spooky

Jennifer Lawrence was at the premier for her new movie "Joy" dressed all in white to once again prove my theory that she's really just a ghost from the 1920's that shows up at these theaters because she misses Hollywood. She was asked about her recent Golden Globe nomination and replied...

 Errol Flynn killed me in a drunken fit of rage. I must go.

Well there's another ancient Hollywood mystery finally solved. I bet they call her the Golden Girl because she walks through walls and steals everybody's gold like some medieval specter. If you want to keep her away you have to hang a ring of cheeseburgers around your doorway.

Will Ferrell is at the Movies

Will Ferrell and his family joined Mark Wahlberg and his costars at the premier of their newest flop "Daddy's Home".  If he wants to turn things around maybe he should change his name from Will Farrell to something sexier like Boxoffice Poison. It sounds kinda like a stripper! Well anyway, at least those 10 or 15 people will see it. I love how it was hosted by Ford because only morons still think Will Ferrell is funny or buy anything made by Ford.

Gwen Stefani is Weird

Gwen Stefani posted this picture on Instagram along with the hashtag #goodmorning to try and convince us that she looks like this immediately after waking up. I don't know who wears a baseball hat and glasses to bed but I guess I wear welding goggles and a surgical mask in the shower so hey to each their own. I bet Blake Shelton's hat smells like night crawlers and WD-40 and if you have a problem with your car I bet the first thing he asks you is "did you check the fuses?"

Nick Cannon is Not Having Sex

Nick Cannon was on the Ellen DeGenerres or however you spell it show for reasons I don't really understand and she wanted to know about his sex life, again for reasons I really don't quite understand.

When Ellen asked him about booty calls, things got a bit awkward. "No!" he replied. "I'm being celibate, I'm trying to work on myself. No sex right now."

For some reason Nick Cannon saying he's celibate sounds like a threat more than anything. Maybe it's the hat. By the way, I have a crisp $100 bill I'll give you if his car doesn't have TV's in the headrests. And Ellen Dengeous using phrases like "booty call" is embarrassing. It sounds like my grandma is trying to be hip or maybe a WASPy guy down at the country club talking to one of the waitstaff..."Hey that's groovy man, what are you doing this weekend are you going to smoke some "doobie joints? That would be far out wouldn't it?"  Take it easy Ellen it's already your show you don't have to be "cool" anymore.

Tyra Banks Wants to Probe You

Don't tell me they don't walk among us. Here's Tyra Banks in an old Instagram post without her outer skin I guess all those alien abduction stories really are true after all. Klaatu barada nikto Tyra I'll take you to my leader just settle down.

Tia Mowry Eats A Lot

Tia Mowry IS NOT pregnant, she's just fat. She thought everybody should know that for some reason.

Elsa Pataky is Modeling

This is Liam Hemsworth's wife Elsa Pataky. Or maybe it's Chris Hemsworth? I'm not really sure I didn't even know there was two of them until about five minutes ago. I hope she can tell the difference or Christmas would be really weird. Whatever the case may be I just wanted you to know she has three kids and will be turning 40 in about six months, you know in case you wanted a feel good story to make this Wednesday a little better

Barbie Got Back

Big news on the Barbie front! And just in time for Christmas too isn't that amazing? Mattel Toys plans on honoring some "Sheroes" so each person has a Barbie Doll made in their likeness and all proceeds will be donated to charity. Get it? They're women so they're she's, but also heroes! Put the two words together and you get sheroes! HAHA That's great! It's weird how there wasn't already a word for hero that applied only to women. Oh I don't know something like heroine maybe. Is that a word? But I guess you don't want to be selling little kids heroine. Anyway Ava DuVernay is getting one, and it's big big news and why wouldn't she? I mean she worked promotional services on Shrek the Third, and Madagascar 2: Escape to Africa. Still no word on why somebody like OSS member, trained assassin and World War II spy Julia Child won't be getting one but I'm sure there's a good reason.

Ronnie Wood's Still Got It

68 year old Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood somehow managed to get his pretty hot 37 year old wife pregnant. Don't ask me how because it's too awful to think about and I'm done writing about this.

Rumer Willis is Eggcelent

Rumer Willis wore a sexy outfit to some after party in Miami to try to distract you from her head. It was a nice try but it won't work. Next time try a big hat or maybe a welder's mask.

Demi Moore is King of the Road

Demi Moore obviously took her divorce from Ashton Kutcher pretty hard since she's a hobo now. I like to imagine that her little roller bag is full of cans of baked beans and half smoked cigars. I prefer carrying a bag on a stick myself but I can see where a bag with wheels would make life on the road a lot easier. If she's smart she has a straight razor hidden somewhere in her hat.

Don't Get Dirty Gwyneth

Gwyneth Paltrow was at the opening of her new Goop store in New York and for some reason she decided to dress like an 11 year old on the first day of school. I don't know why either, she's weird.

Holland Taylor is a Lesbian

Congratulations go to Holland Taylor for being gay.  I don't understand why anybody feels the need to tell strangers they're gay but welcome to the 21st century I guess. Every time one of these actors or actresses come out as gay they should start by telling us who they are first. "How do you do? My name is Holland Taylor. I'm an actress and I was "Angry Party Guest No. 4" in 2004's hit movie "Party All Summer" and also I'm gay. Isn't that something? " Good going gay person. Keep up the good work.

Kelly Osbourne Takes a Break

Kelly Osbourne went to dinner last night during what I can only assume was a break during the filming of a live action version of Pink Floyd's The Wall. She seems a little young to play a domineering mother but hey if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

Madonna Has a Cutting Edge Fashion Sense

Madonna showed off her grill after a concert in Spain where it's apparently still 2008 and people continue to wear grills. Thankfully the next stop on her tour is Russia so all those Members Only jackets in her closet will finally come in handy.

Daisy Ridley is Nervous

Daisy Ridley is in the new Star Wars movie playing Princess Leia's mom or older sister or the first female X-Wing fighter pilot or something and she said she was nervous when she walked on to the set for the first time and I guess I can sort of understand that. But what she should be a lot more nervous about are all the terrifying shut-ins and overweight fan boys that will be sending her freakishly awkward letters for the rest of her life asking her all sorts of bizarre questions like "What was Boba Fett like in person? Is he really mean?" and "Did Darth Vader teach you to use the Force so your neck doesn't get tired from holding up your enormous head all day long?" I'll let you guys know if she ever writes me back.

Eva Longoria Goes Shopping

Eva Longoria has a new boyfriend and his name is Pepe. Pepe Baston. He wears too much cologne owns at least one hat that has "Titleist" on it and drives an Audi. How do I know? Just look at him, that's how.

Marta Kauffman is Getting a Divorce

Hold on to your hats fellas because "Friends" co-creator Marta Kauffman filed for divorce from her husband of 31 years. I don't think the story I quickly skimmed and then linked says why but if I had to make up some reasons I'd say they were so she could spend more time painting landscapes, washing her Prius, and paying attention to her 13 cats (she's keeping them in the divorce). I've already written four NO! five letters to her so you better stay out of my way if you know what's good for you.

Zayne and Gigi and Bella and Austin and Madison...

Zayn Malik, Gigi Hadid and Bella Hadid met for lunch to discuss the alphabet soup that is their names. You know, just to make sure they have all the spellings straight. Maybe next time they can meet Zha Zha Gabor in Addis Ababa for dinner. And I promise that idiot has never heard a Social Distortion song and if I ever run into him I'll beat his ass just for owning it.

Amy Schumer is Walking Around

Eric Cartman was outside playing with his new phone and probably getting into some kind of wacky adventure.  What will it be this time? Trying to take over the world? Maybe going to get some KFC? Whatever it is I'm sure it will be hilarious.

Jennifer Lawrence is Talented

Jennifer Lawrence was named Entertainment Weekly's Entertainer of the Year and to celebrate she dressed up like a spooky ghost hitchhiker and attended the "Samsun The Hunger Ga Mocking Part 2" or something somewhere. Do you think she just sat there stone faced riding in silence staring straight forward out the windshield all the way to the theater? I wonder if the person that gave her a ride realizes what he's done by bringing her there and fulfilling the prophecy.

Lady Gaga Gets Out of a Car

Lady Gaga dressed up as Marilyn Manson for Halloween. Or maybe this is Marilyn Manson dressed up like Lady Gaga. I'm not sure now, I saved the picture but I forgot to label it and Halloween was like a month ago and I can't remember everything. Kind of like how most people don't remember either one of them.

Kylie Jenner is Life Like

Kylie Jenner and her robot face were at the AMAs last night looking like a Real Doll which probably isn't a very nice thing to say because I bet Real Dolls have a better personality.

AnnaLynne McCord Sheds Light on Awareness

AnnaLynne McCord was on Beverly Hills 90210? There must've been a remake I don't know about because I thought that went off the air in the mid-90's. I guess I should learn more about these celebrity types if I'm going to spend so much time making fun of them. Anyway, she attended ABCs Red Carpet Ribbon Awareness Ceremony and I'm sure she had a fine time before she returned to her lair and finished turning into a cobra.

Johnny Depp Needs Some Sleep

What's with Johnny Depp? Suddenly he looks sort of bloated. And that suit doesn't look like it fits him very well either. Combine all that with the eyeliner, the ugly jewelry, wispy mustache, and the bi-sexual girlfriend and he could be a Whole Foods employee named Janice that needs Thursdays off to volunteer over at the animal shelter.

Sophia Vergara Got Married

Sophia Vergara got married on Saturday to some guy from a Just For Men-Touch of Gray commercial and I guess it's true that women like men with just a touch of gray. It shows they're experienced enough to know what they're doing, yet young enough to do it. I'm not sure what "it" is but I bet they're probably talking about sex as opposed to say mowing the lawn or cleaning the gutters yet I bet if most women were honest they'd probably say they prefer you to do yard work. The story I linked includes a video of him singing to her but that's to embarrassing for me to watch so I didn't. I bet his friends put him up to that just so they could call him a fag and years after they get divorced they can blackmail him with the video.

Rasario Dawson has an Event Horizon

Rosario Dawson was spotted out celebrating something but I don't remember where I stole this picture from so I couldn't tell you where she was exactly. But that doesn't matter, what does matter is that a team of rough and tumble mercenaries stormed the party and stopped her from opening her mouth and consuming the entire universe. Godspeed mighty warriors. I'll pray for your lost comrades mi amigos.

Kate Beckinsale Needs a Little Understanding

 

Christmas came a month early for me this morning when I found out Kate Beckinsale is finally divorcing that dork Johnny Weissmuller, or Lou Weinstein or whatever the Hell his name is. I don't know his name and I really don't care

 A source close to the couple tells PEOPLE that Beckinsale and Wiseman have been separated for several months.

 Gee that's really a shame. Listen Kate, I know this is probably a rough time for you, but I just want you know I'm here if you just want to hang out and talk. I'm a really good listener. I can come over and bring some movies if you like. And maybe a little wine and a few candles too you know, so the lights don't hurt your eyes if you're crying a little bit. Just let me know I'll be your rock.

Jennifer Connelly is a Master Criminal

Jennifer Connelly and her husband Paul were out last night dressed like a couple of master jewel thieves in a movie from the mid-90'swhich explains why they were hanging around outside Tiffamy's.  I know how these things always go. Jennifer will be convinced to go straight and turn over a new leaf and give up her husband after they pull off the heist and she'll live happily every after with the millions in jewels after her husband is gunned down by a rougish and sexy detective named Bobby so you better watch out "Paul" if that is your real name.

Site News

I can't find anything cool to write about and I have other things to do today so here's a picture of a cool dog. Don't worry I'll find something maybe a half hour from now maybe tomorrow who can really say life is crazy. In the meantime, follow me here it's easier for me and that's the important thing.

Gavin Rossdale is Fashionable

50 year old Gavin Rossdale was out walking around dressed like a creepy uncle at a Taylor Swift concert still wearing his wedding ring because apparently he's the only one that doesn't realize his future ex-wife is already getting hosed by some other dude.  Hey man, listen. Your band sucked but you know what? I'm a dude too so I get it. Just come on over and we'll get you fixed up in some decent clothes from somewhere other than Express For Men or Merry-Go-Round or wherever the hell it is you bought that crap.

Elizabeth Hurley Goes to the Royals

I guess I've decided to turn this into some kind of page dedicated to Elizabeth Hurley. Hey if you don't like it you could always click here. since that's probably what you like anyway. Don't worry me and Liz will just be over here talking and enjoying each other's company and we won't be judging you at all. We'll be far too busy for that.

Katherine McPhee is Sneaky

Katharine McPhee was on American Idol but that obviously didn't work out because she showed up deep undercover as the newest member of Charlie's Angels at Seth MacFarlane's Christmas Bash of the Stars or whatever it was called in Los Angeles. I wonder what kind of caper they were investigating this time. Maybe a jet-set womanizing playboy was found murdered on the racquetball court at a swanky health club. Or a group of orphans were being forced off their land by a shady real estate developer that's also a womanizing drug dealer. Whatever it was I bet the action was non-stop and probably included Diana Ross or Evel Knievel for some reason.

Ruby Rose is Spooky

 Orange is the New Black "star" Ruby Rose was at some asinine MMA match looking like a scary ventriloquist's dummy. I'm not a millionaire so I don't have HBO but I can only assume Orange is the New Black is a show where she murders people at night while they're asleep like all ventriloquist dummies do. That's why she's wearing those running shoes so you don't hear her little wooden feet pitter-pattering across the floor as she sneaks out from under your bed in the dark.

Pamela Anderson is Disease Free

Pamela Anderson posted a naked picture on Instagram declaring herself free from Hepatitis C

I am CURED!!! – I just found out #nomorehepc #thankyou #blessing #family #prayer #live," Anderson, 48, wrote. "I pray anyone living with Hep C can qualify or afford treatment. It will be more available soon. I know treatment is hard to get still...#dontlosehope

I don't know if any of this is true but it's a chance I might be willing to take so go ahead and call me again Pam I probably won't even ask for proof.

Gwyneth Paltrow Wears a Dog Outfit

Gwyneth Paltrow went to the same fancy dress ball that Salma Hayek attended with her ogre boyfriend, or husband or whatever he is, but of course being Gwyneth Paltrow she accidentally put on the dress that somebody made for her dog. Right now her dog is probably walking around in a $22,000 dress refusing to walk on the grass without shoes and probably smacking around a chihuahua for looking at him when he specifically asked that other dogs avert their eyes. Nice racist dog you have there you jerk.

Alison Eastwood is Attractive

I just found out this is Clint Eastwood's daughter Alison and that's pretty much all I'm saying about that. Clint Eastwood might be 85 years old but he has plenty of money and absolutely nothing to lose should he decide to fly here and shoot me in the face.

Salma Hayek Oozes Out for a Magical Evening

Salma Hayek had five hand maidens whose blood she probably bathed in later help stuff her into an ugly pink fairy tale dress before attending the fifth annual LACMA Film + Art Gala on Saturday with the ogre that lives under the bridge near her property in France. The invitation for the festivities was written in hummingbird blood and delivered to her by one of his minions riding to her house on the back of a magical kangaroo. If it seems weird that they still have ogres in Europe just remember that place is hundreds of years old and they still drive on the wrong side of the street so what do you expect. Hopefully this keeps him from destroying her crops or eating the bones of her relatives but you know how shifty ogres can be so watch out Salma!

Jewel is That You

I remember Jewel. But I remember her from the whole Grrrl Power era when girls wore combat boots, and flannel and everyone thought Veruca Salt was a good band and I don't ever remember her looking like this. Oh I'm sure her music is still awful but sometimes you have to take the good with the bad.

You're Pushing it With Me

Blake Sheldon and Gwen Stefani were spotted holding hands at Jared Leto's Halloween party and that better not be a euphemism for anything if Marc Selton knows what's good for him

"Blake and Gwen are going through similar situations," says a Shelton insider, who adds that the duo "are flirty." "They have spent time together and have drawn support from each other."

 Just stay away from her Ed Singleton if you know what's good for you or they'll be burying you in that table cloth your wearing.

Jessica Simpson Wins Halloween

Jessica Simpson dressed as Christie Brinkley's character from the movie "Vacation" for Halloween which is essentially nothing more than a dress shirt and high heels. I'm going to stop writing now before this really goes off the rails.

Who Are These People

I was looking for a specific picture on my desktop for yet another one of my hilarious stories and I accidentally clicked on this. I know I saved it for some reason but I have absolutely no idea who they are or why it's there so I'm going to try to decipher it with only the information I have.  Some guy with an Abraham Lincoln beard and enormous feet met a girl at the MGM Grand Casino. They had a brief weekend fling that she'll be embarrassed about for most of the rest of her life. Oh sure she'll tell her best friend about that dork she slept with by accident in Las Vegas but swears her to secrecy forever and her friend will promise never to tell until she starts dating a guy the friend likes and then she'll passively mention the weekend affair to the guy one night when they all meet up at TGI Fridays for a Pick Three-Free-For-All when she leaves the table to go to the bathroom. See? That's why girls always go to the bathroom in pairs so they don't divulge each other's secrets.

Channing Tatum is Darling

Channing Tatum dressed up as his favorite character when he and his wife Jenna Dewan Dewars - Scotch Tatum showed up at the annual Literary Writers Conference to discuss the latest fiction and non-fiction authors and their impact on the literary world. No I'm just kidding he's the Cat in the Hat and his wife is a "slutty" Cat in the Hat and they're on their way to a party at George Clooney's place. Afterword they're going home to try to decipher all the words in the new Curious George book. Channing's manager is hoping they can teach him to stop moving his lips when he reads, and maybe Jenna will be able to get past how mean The Man in the Yellow Hat is sometimes.

Elizabeth Hurley is in a Bikini Again

Elizabeth Hurley wore another bikini. This time with ruffles. Okay we get it now you're 50 and still really hot there's really no need to keep proving it. I can't believe I'm about to say this but maybe it's time to put on some clothes. I can not believe I just typed those words. Wait I'm sorry come back! I promise I didn't mean it. I guess I'm just under a lot of pressure looking for pictures of sexy half naked women to put on this blog. I promise I'll change baby.

Sean Penn is a Good Guy

Sean Penn dressed like a Bulgarian immigrant to go to the hardware store to buy some things. Probably some kind of basket or lockable chest to keep all the balls and Frisbees he confiscates from the neighborhood kids when they accidentally get thrown into his yard.

Hillary Clinton for Halloween

Who Wants to be Hillary Clinton for Halloween. The Clinton campaign thinks that's a swell idea because the Clinton campaign has a lot of good ideas. If you still think it's 1969 that is. Can you be a "slutty" Hillary Clinton? My guess would be no but hey whatever floats your boat. I'll be the one in the picture above

"Hey man like, freaky! Hey who wants to go check out some acid rock and maybe smoke some reefer cigarettes with my new boyfriend Bill? Have you guys seen that new movie Billy Jack it's so cool the way that Indian really showed it to The Man isn't it?"

I'll be the life of the party. The best part will be when I leave, I'll take half the jackets everybody left in the spare bedroom when they arrived and take them with me to give to homeless people and drunks who will in turn sell them for drugs. It's a good plan that can't fail like all other Democratic plans