Tom Holland is Forgettable

Tom Holland was hurt that Gwyneth Paltrow didn't remember working with him. I have to say I'm not really surprised. I just read about him and I already don't remember who he is. But he shouldn't feel too badly,  I have a feeling Gwyneth Paltrow is a human goldfish and has about a 15 second memory duration and probably doesn't even remember lunch. I included a link that should take you to the video if you're interested because there's ZERO chance I'm turning off my ad blocker for the E! website. 

Sara Sampaio Woke Up Like This

I know I said I wasn't going to write about Sara Sampaio anymore, but I was angry, and sometimes people say things when they're mad. I hope you can forgive me Sara I guess maybe I'll just try to be a better man. Here, have a puppy and this basket of kittens.

Jaden Smith is Climbing the Walls

Will Smith's 20 year old son, Jaden finally appeared in public without his human costume officially revealing he's a Lizard Person. Somebody get this guy mental health help because he needs it. Seriously. Or maybe they should make him get a job at Just Tires or as a plumbers assistant or something for a couple of years. Just so he knows what work is.

Marla Maples Goes Shopping

This blog is dedicated to Marla Maples now. Here she is shopping with her giant daughter (foreground). I don't know what they bought but judging by how that mannequin behind her is dressed, they probably bought clothes that cost more than my last three cars combined. Hey Marla if you want to buy me a shirt you have to get the ones with the athletic fit so they look normal on a more muscular torso if you get my drift.

Marianne Williamson is Somebody

I'd never heard of Marianne Williamson before this morning but I guess she's a candidate for president. Or a Studio 54 waitress I'm not sure. I'm a big fan of disco though so I hope it's the later .

Amanda Bynes is Crazy for Fashion

Did you know Amanda Bynes was at an in-patient mental health facility? I didn't either.

ET has confirmed that the 33-year-old actress is still living at an inpatient mental health facility in the Los Angeles area. Back in March, multiple outlets reported that Bynes checked into a facility following a stress-related relapse.

Yeah sure. A "stress related relapse". I didn't even know she was addicted to something. I don't even know what it is she's addicted to but I bet it's not love. It turns out that she's doing so well with her recovery that the facility decided to give her a  pass to graduate(?) Man I really don't know anything about what Amanda Bynes has been up too these days.

ET's confirmation follows Bynes' graduation from Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising earlier this week. A friend close to Bynes tells ET that Bynes "got a day pass because she’s been doing well enough in treatment."

Well how about that. Who would have guessed. The Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising? Is that above a bowling alley?  I honestly don't know where to go with this because it should seem pretty obvious that I have no idea about what's going on with Amanda Bynes so if you want to know call her up maybe she'll fill you in.

Stay out of Russell's Way

I don't feel like writing today so here's Russell Brand out shopping while dressed like an old mall walker with his little fanny pack. I have no idea why people keep writing about this guy. The last thing I remember him in was the remake when he destroyed the movie "Arthur" eight years ago. Honestly I never even realize he's still around until I see his gigantic mug on some UK gossip site. Maybe if British people could come up with better celebrities they could stop talking about Russell Brand.

Naomi Campbell Also Fights The Man

Naomi Campbell was shocked to find out people in other countries are racist because she doesn't have an internet connection or watch porn.

The Streatham-born beauty said she was 'shocked' when a recent campaign she starred in was rejected in an Asian country - because of the colour of her skin. 

No one was specific about which country in Asia, but I saw this on The Daily Mail, and judging by the people that comment on that site, they probably think "Asia" is a country. But at least she's started taking a stand...

 The statuesque star also said she has turned down offers to walk in Paris Fashion Week shows as a matter of principle due to particular fashion houses lacking ethnically diverse models. 

Yeah I'm sure that's it, and not at all because she's 50 years old. Hey, I'm not in charge of Paris Fashion Week. If I was, it would be all Naomi Campbell all the time, so don't look at me. But you - as they say - go girl. Frankly, Naomi Campbell could be against puppies wearing little hats and I'd probably think it was a brave opinion.

What's Up Fonzie

Guys from India always think they're cool

Natalie Maines is a Squirrel

Natalie Maines celebrated achieving the rank of lieutenant as a paratrooper in the British Air Assault Brigade. I'm kidding she says the Dixie Chicks are working on a new album. Presumably for the 76,000 people left in the world that would still buy a Dixie Chicks album. I wonder if it'll still be a country album or if they'll be singing about empowerment and fighting the man. If you buy this pile of crap let me know.

Dolly Parton Looks Different

Blac Chyna was at the BET awards for their Dolly Parton appreciation hour. Afterward she went trick or treating, why let a good costume like that go to waste? And yes I know I said I wouldn't write about her anymore but what are you going to do about it, call the cops?

Marla Maples is Still Around

Marla Maples did yoga in her yard and then had someone take pictures so she could post it on Instagram. Or maybe she used her camera's timer I'm really not sure. I can't imagine how someone could be so desperate to be in the news that they would do this. She HAS to have money right? Yes a quick Google search confirms this. On the other hand she's 55 years old and as it turns out she's pretty wealthy and good lord she's attractive so I guess I really can't blame her. In fact I should probably be thanking her. Man, this really changes my attitude about everything. Maybe what she needs is someone to help occupy her time. Maybe go Ferrari shopping, or perhaps other exciting things that I can't think of right now but I think I know a guy that's more than willing to help. Hey maybe a summer fling? I don't know wait I need a minute to think.

Jessie James Decker Wants More Sex

Jessie James Decker and her husband Captain Caveman can't wait to have another baby. A fourth baby.

The country pop star, 31, admitted she’s content with having a family of five for now, however, the former football player, 32, wouldn’t mind expanding. “I feel really good and complete with three,” she said while celebrating the launch of Enfagrow’s Toddler Nutritional Drinks on Tuesday, June 18. “I do know that Eric kind of teedertots between three and four. I feel like in a perfect world he would have a fourth but you know, we’re still having those discussions where I’m not a hundred percent sure where I land.”

I think it's a fourth baby, or maybe it's a third. If you think I read about these imbeciles they need to check your medication levels, and maybe fluff up your pillow. I find the picture and then copy and paste what looks like the relevant part of the story into mine. It looks like I give a shit and also like I know what I'm doing. And by the way, I thought Jessie James Decker sold diet pills or diet books, I didn't even know she was a "musician". I bet her music is really horrible.

 Who knows what her husband does. By the looks of him he's a football player or maybe some kind of sideshow circus freak. Can you tell I really wanted to write this? I was being sarcastic because I didn't. But I didn't want to leave that Jason Moomoo story up in case I stopped writing for a few days. Hey there's a plan, maybe he can join forces with Moomuck and start a new clan of cavemen and they can reclaim the spirit of the land and hunt for only what they need or maybe carve some mammoth tusks or whatever it is they blah blah blah

Jason Momoa is on the Move

Jason Momoa showed up on a red carpet for what I'm sure is an awesome movie, while showing off his new slimmed down appearance explaining it this way...

"My tribe hunted the woolly mammoth to extinction in our area and as simple hunter-gatherers, we have to now move to a more fertile land as we do not yet understand the concept of  farming."

Aww poor thing. Maybe try moving West. There's buffalo and antelope and berries and groundhog, but you'll have to contend with more tar pits,  sabre toothed cats and the Dire wolf so be careful. Good luck Jason, or as he's known to the rest of his clan, "Moomuck"

Brad Cooper has a Back Pack

Something weird is going on with Bradley Cooper. No, not just that he's wearing a back pack for what seems like no good reason, he's not out camping or anything, but it looks like his face is slowly getting bigger. Is it an optical illusion because of his hair? I saw a few pictures yesterday and it was enormous but of course now I can't find them. By the way those are oversized novelty sunglasses.* Good luck with your face Brad.


*may not be true

Rihanna is Tardy

The big Rihanna news of the day is, she showed up three hours late to show off her new Fenty collection at the Webster in Soho, none of which makes any sense and sounds like a foreign language to me. I despise people that are late. It's not cute, and it's not funny. Maybe people shouldn't be mad at her though I mean, who knows, maybe the funeral home where the dress she's wearing was being made was running behind schedule.

Can You Help an Old Alter Boy?

One of my pals needs some help. No, I have no idea whether or not he was an alter boy, I'm just guessing. If you can help at all, click here. Who knows, you may need something later. Remember all that "pay it forward" talk? Well, now's your chance big mouth.

Gee. Another Hollywood Asshole. Allegedly.

Max Landis is a screenwriter. Oh and he's also accused of rape, assault, and psychological abuse.

Landis, 33, is the son of director John Landis. Known for writing the screenplay for “Chronicle,” his most recent credit is the David Ayer film “Bright.” Allegations against him have been aired on social media for the last year or more.

 One woman alleged that Landis held her down and raped her, and would deliberately humiliate her because wanted to have sex with her while she was crying. Two more women described accounts of alleged sexual misconduct on movie sets.

Yikes. Who could imagine the guy in that picture would be a creep, or a weirdo. What is this, Crazy World?  There's some more at the link but I'd like to wait to hear all the details before I pass judgment and lock him in a cell and weld the door shut. I've never sexually assaulted anyone but here's a little tip for the ladies. If the guy you're talking to has the haircut of a mid-1980's German terrorist. and wears the Joker suit from 1989's Batman, don't hang around, just leave. No one will fault you.

Princess Jennifer

In a shocking report, Prince Harry developed a crush on Jennifer Aniston after he saw this now "legendary" (their word not mine) GQ Magazine cover. He called her 'Princess material' and even sent her texts. I'm not sure how you go from seeing someone as famous as Jennifer Aniston is, especially back then, on the cover of a magazine to getting their private cellphone number but I guess things like that happen when you're a member of a wealthy, archaic monarchy. She didn't answer these texts because then 40 year old Jennifer, didn't want to "lead on" the then 24 year old Prince. Unlike some people we know. Good for her I say. 24 year old women are like space creatures can you imagine what a 24 year old man is like? I've been a 24 year old man. I can tell you it's not good. Anyway, I don't really know how to get out of this dumb story so fuck you Harry.

I Know Aubrey Plaza

I KNOW WHO THIS IS! This is Aubrey Plaza at the MTV Movie & TV Awards. I know her because I saw her in a cellphone commercial and I thought she was really cute. She takes a selfie in it? Or maybe it was for gum? She has a nice, effortless smile so I bet it was for gum. You know, it keeps your teeth clean or something? I guess she's in movies too but I wouldn't know because you simpletons have ruined movies for everyone with your demands for more, and more ridiculous shoot 'em up superhero junk and whatever else it is you people like. Hollywood only makes movies for people in other countries now...

"Tom Cruise puts on an electro-power suit and fights the powers that be while driving a tiny car really fast after the oppressive masters establish just one too many speed cameras on the Autobahn

SPEED TRAP. Opens July 4th"

Weekend box office? $9 trillion dollars. Idiots.

Dick Van Dyke is an Unburied Treasure

A wax figure of Dick Van Dyke was unveiled yesterday. I'm kidding that's really Dick Van Dyke and he was at the opening of a supper club in the 1960's. I'm kidding that was also yesterday but I didn't know they still had those, let alone a brand new one. I don't even know what a "supper club" is. A club where you eat supper? That seems to make the most sense. He's 93 by the way and it was mentioned how he was in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang which was released the same year as the Tet Offensive in Vietnam. The number one brand new song that year? "Hey Jude" by The Beatles. This story was like walking through a history museum wasn't it?

Marc Anthony Walks on Legs

Marc "Snake Venom" Anthony joined MS-13 over the weekend. I'm kidding he's probably filming something. Most likely an instructional video on how to shed your skin. You know, because he looks like a snake or something.That was the theme of this story. Get it?

Ashanti Knocks 'em Dead

Ashanti performed in a bikini next to a pool in - where else - Las Vegas. She's a famous performer? God that town is really awful. And I thought she died in a plane crash. Who am I thinking of? Oh well, I guess it's never too late, she should keep trying.

Jennifer Lawrence is Engaged?

Jennifer Lawrence has a new fiance? Wasn't she just dating like, four other people in the last four months? You know Jennifer, as a "strong" woman you don't have to be constantly involved with a man. You can be single, and by yourself for more than 20 minutes at a time. Unless of course you're super emotionally desperate and clingy. And believe it or not I read his name but I'm not posting it for two reasons.

1. He ain't going to be around long enough for anyone to care.

And 2. I already don't care.

I'm a big fan of how she's dressed for New Year's Eve and he looks like he's getting ready to cut the lawn.

Tre Da Kid Dead

(I wrote the next three stories yesterday and I never got the chance to post them but don't worry, none of it is breaking news and I'm going to assume this guy's condition didn't really improve all that much)

 Rapper "Tre Da Kid", real name Ed Seay - in a move that should surprise no one - was shot to death. With how many rappers seem to drop dead from various unnatural causes or get arrested for varying felonies, it's no wonder there's so many of them. Kind of like shark's teeth. One falls out and like a conveyor belt there's one right behind him to replace him.

I'm Not Working Today

I don't feel like writing on a Sunday so listen to this. I have some late breaking news about that guy that constantly looks like he's turning into a serpent that was married to Jennifer Lopez for a while I think, but I think I'll save that for tomorrow. It's really not that important

Kate Beckinsale Cocaine Messages

There was a story about Kate Beckinsale sharing texts with her daughter about cocaine or something but I saw the picture of her standing in the bathroom dressed like the 1989 version of Vicki Vale and that was enough for me because I'm not reading that crap. And as much as I like Kate let's be honest, if it wasn't for me and The Daily Mail who else would talk about her. I'm sure she's very nice and maybe she feeds stray animals but c'mon. And she may be a fine actress but I wouldn't know. I think I saw her in this one thing where they're in a hotel? And people watch other people get murdered? Something like that. It seemed like pretty standard murder/gore nerd/studio tax write off movie. Man she's good looking isn't she? But there was that whole Pete Davidson thing so you may as well start that hepatitis cure you see in those TV commercials right away if you go within five feet of her.

Jennifer Aniston Mostly Nude

Jennifer Aniston was on "Ellen" to promote her new movie "Murder on a Boat" or whatever it's called and to talk about her mostly nude pictures in "Harppar's Bazahr" or however the fuck you spell it. It took a lot of effort for me to type "Jennifer Aniston" and "mostly nude" without saying something disgusting but believe me I'm a trooper and I managed it. I looked up "Hatcheck Bizmap" to see if I should buy one and it's $7 for this thing so I guess I won't be seeing Jennifer Aniston mostly nude any time soon.

The Mystery Continues

Maybe I'll write more, maybe I won't. It's a roll of the dice and I'm unpredictable.

Ben Affleck has Lots of Jackets

Ben Affleck dropped his kids off at school on Friday dressed for "Ol' Uncle Eli's Pumpkin Picking Festival". That's a pretty serious jacket too. I mean, that's not an "Old Man Eating in a Restaurant That's Always Too Cold Windbreaker".  That's a jacket. Too bad it was the last day of May and was going to be in the mid-70s with I'm sure a blazing Sun in the cloudless Southern California sky. I will never, ever understand this. Ever.