Avril Lavigne Looks Futuristic

I admit I screen capped this picture of Avril Lavigne, Olivia Culpo (?) and some other woman who's name I didn't catch at some UNICEF costume party because I didn't feel like right-clicking-save-as and all that bullshit. Especially since all I wanted to do was say "Hi Avril Lavigne. How are you?" I don't know if she's dressed up as some future sex robot or what, but whatever it is, it works for me. And the hair? Don't even get me started.  And Avril being 35 now once again proves my theory that women look better after 30. Men don't though. After 30 most men (not me) look like The Pillsbury Dough Boy if he could wear t-shirts of bands he never saw. Anyway I have to go. Listen Avril, give me a call. We can discuss the future over a few drinks etc. I don't even care that you always have a look on your face like you would get lost in a large hotel bathroom.

Britney Spears Exercises

Britney Spears did yoga outside in a bikini. I will never understand why people do this. I mean, I get that it's for attention but it's such a weird thing, and I see it all the time. First of all, yoga isn't exercise. Secondly...I don't know whatever, just do your yoga. Britney also claimed that LA was the only place you could wear a bikini in October because she's never heard of the bottom half of the United States I guess. Am I being nit picky? Yes but it's my blog and you don't have to read it.



!!!UPDATE!!!!

I tried to post the picture of the USA with a line denoting the Southern half of the US, but Blogger basically sucks and what I did didn't work so I'll just put the picture here. See? The black line means you can wear a bikini in those places in October. Have a blessed day.

I Like Aubrey Plaza

I think Aubrey Plaza has the best smile in the whole world. See? It's not always about abs and hot Nazis. I hope that's some kind of pale and creepy gremlin she took along with her to whatever event she was going too and not her boyfriend. Shouldn't it be on a leash or something? I guess so long as it's had all of it's shots it should be fine

URGENT JARED PADALECKI NEWS

"Supernatural" "star" Jared Padalecki was arrested outside an Austin, Texas bar for having a very small face. No wait, it was for two counts of assault and one count of public intoxication. Sorry, my mistake. You know what's weird? Most times I read these news stories about these people and they seem barley more famous than me or you. The guy was on TV for at least FIFTEEN YEARS, and I never even heard his name until he got arrested for getting into a drunken fight in a bar. In other words, the guy's television acting career started on the day your kid was born and the first time you heard his name was when your kid started his sophomore year in high school.  Whatever, I hope they lock him up and throw away the key. Or give him the gas chamber. Extreme? Maybe, but it's high time the punishment starts to fit the crime.

Jane Fonda is Surprising

Jane Fonda is still alive and was arrested protesting for or against climate change, I'm not sure which. And good for her it's really the only time anyone pays attention to her. And my guess she's against it but you never know, she's surprised everyone in the past by being a traitor so you can never tell what's in someone's mind.

Kim Kardashian is a Faker

Kim Kardashian said her oldest son Saint was "forever my snuggle bug". Yeah sure, one minute after this picture was taken I can see her holding this kid at arms length, with just her fingers like you'd hold a wet towel as she hands it over to a nanny or maybe even back to it's real owner. I'm not saying that isn't really her kid but maybe I am. Even that picture looks like it was cropped together from pieces of other pictures. You're not fooling anyone. Kim. If that's even you're real name.

Jennifer Aniston is Back in Black

I wasn't going to talk about Jennifer Aniston so soon again but then I saw this picture of her in those pants  and I figured what the heck, why not. I don't know who that other person was. Resse Something I think. Maybe they're friends but I can't say for sure at this time.

Henry Thomas Got Spaced Out

Henry Thomas, who played Elliot in the movie "ET The Extraterrestrial" was arrested for DUI on Monday after passing out in the middle of an intersection in Oregon. He was also charged with "Looking exactly like someone from Oregon". I didn't know that was illegal but frankly I'm glad to see that it is. 

Remember Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan went out Saturday night in her Halloween costume. I assume she's dressed up as the surprisingly attractive, chain smoking, tipsy, drunk regular at the skeevy bowling alley dive-bar you only went in to by chance. You know the type. You buy them a couple drinks and before you know it, you're in the darkest corner of the parking lot you can find... "What's your name again? Yeah sure I'll be back next Saturday". Oh apparently she has some new music. Good for her, I hope it all works out. Unfortunately for her I didn't remember Lindsay Lohan was even still alive seven minutes ago so I wouldn't hope for too much music-wise.

Mally Mall is a Joke

I was looking for stuff to write about and I stumbled across this joke of a person named Mally Mall. I'd never heard of him before but he's a "hip-hop producer" that likes to stand around and hold Monopoly money. He was arrested or convicted or whatever for running a prostitution ring which seems so ridiculous I can't even talk about it. Why would a BIG TIME producer want to mess around with a low rent, penny ante, bullshit crime like that, I don't get it. 

And I have to imagine the best part of being a "hip-hop producer" is apparently all you have to do is say you are one. It doesn't even have to be true. "I'm a hip-hop producer and clothing designer" and voila . Trashy girls with orange/red hair and high top sneakers named LaTonya and Princess Vibe practically throw themselves at you.

Felicity Huffman is Green with Envy (About Free People)

Felicity Huffman was photographed in jail as she started her two week sentence for bribery or whatever she did, proving once again that no one but red heads look good in green.

Nicole Richie Looks Different

Nicole Richie was at Jennifer Lawrence's wedding. They told her it wasn't a zombie costume party so three make up artists worked all morning to make her a little more presentable. Kudos to them, those make up people are the real heroes in all of this

Jennifer Lawrence Got Married

Jennifer Lawrence and her rubbery face married some guy named Malone or something this past weekend. I think that's her in the car on her way to the wedding but I didn't take the picture so I suppose it could be anyone. You'd think you would have heard more about this WEDDING OF THE CENTURY but I'm not surprised all that much since no one really cares.

Jennifer Aniston is Going Places

Here's Jennifer Aniston wearing all black. I'm not sure where she was going and really who cares. Walking straight into my heart that's where.

Kim Kardashian Hates Cows

Someone slaughtered two whole cows to make some leather pants for Kim Kardashian. Jesus Christ you can see her ass from the front! That thing probably has it's own zip code.

Kate and Ed Visit the Poors

"Royal" wastes of skin Kim and Greg or whatever their names are went to Pakistan, maybe to buy a cobra who knows. Why do dignitaries always dress like this when they visit India and Pakistan? Don't they have the usual clothes they always wear? Imagine being a New Yorker and Kate and Pete visited your filthy city and showed up dressed like a greasy Italian guy from Brooklyn with a "hero" sandwich in his pocket. That would be pretty insulting if you ask me.

Demi Rose is an Idiot

I haven't written anything in a couple of days (except for that Elijah Cummings thing) because there really wasn't anything that caught my eye. There's always politics I guess, but I don't write about politics because I don't want you mouth breathing simpletons clogging up my comment sections with your nonsensical opinions that are usually wrong anyway. And then lo and behold, I saw a picture of double Z-list imbecile Demi Rose having her picture taken for reasons known only to her and the "world famous photographer" she had to have sex with to get him to agree to do this. Allegedly.

 No, I don't know why she's famous. She fucked a rapper or a basketball player or something I think. She lucked out though and didn't get pregnant and now won't be forced to care for a child alone once her former boyfriend declares bankruptcy because he bought too many souped up Chrysler 300s and then got sent to prison for 45 years. Whoever he was.  Her outfit is cute I guess. It would look better on someone else. Maybe someone with class that wasn't some guttersnipe bimbo.

Elijah Cummings Died

Elijah Cummings died. He was 68. It's shocking when someone dies at 68, especially him because I thought he was 108.

What?

I can think of one reason why this can't be true. Is she being literal? Is she sure she understands how being gay works? So many questions, so little time to care.

Porsha Williams is Red With Envy

Porsha Williams is somebody, that was doing something somewhere. A quick skim of the source story she was/is on RHOC or something like that. I only wrote this to give you some advice. I've already discussed the finger nails, but as someone that's been around the block 10 or 20 times, I can assure you, you need to avoid anyone named Porsha like they had pneumonic plague. If you feel like this is something you can't avoid, then you're definitely on your own and I guess you only learn things the hard way.

SHOCKING JENNIFER LOPEZ NUDE

Jennifer Lopez is releasing a new single called Baila Conmigo which translates to "dance with me". There were other translations of more of the lyrics but they sound totally ridiculous.

  'Dale que dale mas duro que la música rompe los muros que solo bailando me curo Baila Conmigo,' Lopez said on Instagram, which translates to, 'Give it harder than music breaks the walls that only dancing I heal Dance with Me.'

"Give it harder than music breaks the walls that only dancing I heal Dance with Me"? What? And releasing a Spanish language album is the same as touring the black hole of Eastern Europe. Sure the people of Romania will go to your concert but they have to take their horse drawn wagons there so there are always huge parking hassles plus it's so far from the mountains, oh and you have to have water and oats for the horses and the problems really only start there. Plus you have to watch out for vampires it's crazy. I didn't even know Jennifer Lopez still recorded "music". I thought she mostly "avoided" the paparazzi and acted in movies no one watches. Shows how much I know. Anyway, if you speak Spanish and want to buy this go right ahead, it's still a free country.

Khloe Kardashian Walks Around

I know I said I wouldn't write about the Kardashians anymore, but photographers caught up with Khloe Kardashian dressed to begin filming what I can only assume was some kind of MILF porno. She's a mom pushing 40 so I'd say she qualifies. Good luck in your new career.

Charlize Theron Looks Like This

Charlize Theron went on an idiotic late night talk show but I don't remember which one. I don't watch those anyway because I'm not stupid. I like her hair that way. Okay well there's the big Charlize Theron news. I hope she had fun on her talk show, juggling bowling pins or whatever they do now on those asinine things.

Britney Spears is Stretchy

Britney Spears was at a yoga studio in Maui in thigh high socks and I'm going to stop now before this gets really ugly. The celebrity websites sure do like talking about her even though it has to be at least 10 years since I heard a Britney Spears song being played anywhere in the world for any reason at all. I covered her caption with a screenshot of someone that has me blocked on Twitter even though their tweets are protected so I can't see his account anyway. I shouldn't have done that because I didn't read it and maybe she was messaging me about her socks like I asked her too. Just call me Brit, the usual number,  you know I hardly look at the caption

Alec Baldwin Gets Scammed

Drunken (allegedly) moron Alec Baldwin got scammed out of a couple hundred dollars when he bought fake tickets to some tour in New York. Doesn't he live there? You'd think he'd know. Anyway, good. If you ask me, not enough bad things can happen to this fucking prick.

Natalie Portman is Attractive

Natalie Portman was all smiles and aaaallll legs as she went into the Good Morning America studios to be interviewed with John "Giant Wiener" Hamm about their new movie probably no one will go see. I very seldom see people talk about how attractive she is, and I wonder why. Because she is. That's why I wrote this. Listen Chief, I'm here to mostly talk about girls and high heels and if you want in-depth reporting about substantive issues go look somewhere else, it's a big internet.

What's Happening

There seems to be a dearth (that means "not much") of anything really to talk about. I have one that I wrote yesterday and forgot to post but it isn't urgent so I have that one. Let's see, there's this one here that I'm posting, mostly as an excuse to post that screen shot of some guy that blocked me on Twitter but I don't know who he is or why he blocked me so he can walk off a roof for all I give a shit. I'll look around a little more I'm sure something will pop up. Maybe about Serena Williams? Kylie Jenner? Donald Trump? Who can say the world is a mysterious place.

Joi Harris Investigation is Over

Stuntperson-woman-man or whatever they want to be called now, Joi Harris was killed on the set of Deadpool 2 and it's all the movies fault...

"...the company “Failed to conduct a risk assessment addressing safety controls, speed of the motorcycle, and equipment limitations. The employer failed to complete important health and safety documentation, including a stunt safety inspection checklist and a production activity notification checklist, as required by its own health and safety program.”It also said the company “failed to ensure that the stunt performer was provided with a new worker orientation and failed to ensure that the stunt performer completed the young and new worker orientation checklist.”

Such a waste, Especially since I didn't even know there was a Deadpool 2. And this is Canada doing the investigating so they probably fined the production company $12 billion dollars for not providing the Teamsters with enough pillows for their twice hourly naps. It's a dangerous thing being a stuntman, luckily I really feel up to it, plus I have nothing left to lose.

Rita Ora is Fake: An Exposé

Originally I was going to talk about how I've started to noticed Rita Ora, whoever she is, then I noticed something else. Her abs are painted on. They're painted on with an airbrush, you know like model builders use on their airplanes and whatever? No I don't mean on the picture, I mean on her actual body.

 How do I know this? First, all you have to do is look at them. See how the outlines look fuzzy and ill defined? That's a sure sign right there. They've also contoured very slightly around the inside of her boobs for blending purposes. Not a terrible job if you can get it. And secondly, I owned a tanning salon for a decade and I used to do this all the time. For body builders, really, really vain people (usually women, surprisingly enough) and once, even for one of Britney Spears back-up dancers before a show.You can even see the over spray (labeled in the photo) at the top of her right leg where someone got careless when they created her "sex lines" as they're known, for the way their "V" shape points at the person's crotchtoral region.

 In this day and age, this really seems somehow laughably pathetic and way, way to "try hard". But I guess if you want to be famous bad enough, you'll debase yourself however much you need to to get there.

Elsa Pataky is Warm at the Beach

Elsa Pataky was at the beach (losers cut out of the photo) for  a swimwear photo shoot. I hope her new "Beach Sweaters" sell like hot cakes. She's so attractive it's almost hard to describe. You can't even look directly at her, it's unbelievable. She's like a Nazi Perfect Woman experiment that escaped from the lab. Not that I'm attracted to Nazis. Not usually anyway, but I mean c'mon man. 

Bradley Cooper is Chilly

Bradley Cooper was photographed out with his kid on October 1st, with his new haircut, his Sears jacket, and his boots - despite the fact that the temperature was pushing 90 degrees in New York - and he was walking somewhere. Maybe to get some hot cocoa or soup. I hope he made it okay without freezing to death, he wasn't even wearing gloves or anything.