Toni Braxton is Miraculous

Toni Braxton posted what they called a "bikini selfie" even though that's clearly underwear. Imagine not being able to tell the difference between a bikini and underwear. It doesn't matter to me, she could be covering herself with napkins from Burger King for all I care, good lord. The writer at the source then when on to describe the picture in painful detail...

 She highlighted her athletic figure and looked as if she were about to take off the black top, which was unstrapped and loosely held up with her hands.

Okay Hemingway, good job. I bet that person went to college for four years - and probably even five -  to learn to write like that. Can you imagine having to write garbage like that? I guess I would if they were paying me enough, like say $70,000 a year, I think I'd do it for that. With raises at monthly intervals. But I'd hate to replace the current chimpanzee they have pounding the keyboard for them. What would he do then?  How would he pay for his bananas?  I haven't really though much about Toni Braxton in a really long time, in fact I forgot she was even a person on Earth and I didn't even recognize her.  But I'll think of her now, I can tell you that. How can she be 52? How do people look this good into their 50's and beyond? It's almost magical. Have you ever seen pictures of 52 year olds from the 1970s or even the 1980s? For reference, here's Rue McClanahan at the height of the television series "Golden Girls". She was 55 at that time. 

 I think Toni kind of looks kind of like a sexy spy. Like a double agent that would seduce you and then kill you. She wouldn't have to kill me though. I bet I could make her change her murderous ways, if only she'd just give me the chance. Give me a call Toni we can make it work.

Francesca Fargo is Somebody

Francesca Fargo modeled what she's calling a "Keep Safe Outfit" because she's a moron and for some reason you idiots lap this shit up like stray dogs. In case you're wondering, she's on some Netflix show but then again, who isn't.

Jessica Simpson?

I couldn't really find anything else that was very interesting to talk about since everyone is out wearing masks and I don't know who is who. But here's Jessica Simpson, or at least that's who they tell me it is. She looks great but I'm not sure that's Jessica Simpson. She looks more like the kind of hot mom that ran to Target for a new work out top or something, know what I mean? How would we know it wasn't someone that just sort of looks like Jessica Simpson. We wouldn't. Okay that's my big theory for today, look into it and let me know what you find.

Matt is Out and About

Here's a guy named Matt. I don't remember which Matt, what he's doing or why I saved the picture.  I swear to God I have no idea who this is. Believe it or not I don't drink or do drugs. I don't even remember saving the picture, but there it was on my desk top labeled "Matt" so I figured maybe you guys would like to see it.  This is the kind of content people come here for.

Aubrey Plaza is Brilliant

Aubrey Plaza walked her dogs, outside, by herself, and wore a mask. If there are no other people around why are you wearing a mask. Are you protecting yourself from Chemtrails? I can only assume that's the reason, especially since that's not a medical mask so it isn't stopping the virus even if it was floating around freely in the air,  which it's not because that's not how a virus works. Maybe it keeps her from licking mailboxes or something else someone else may have touched five minutes ago. Or maybe it's acting as one of those cones people put on dogs so they don't chew themselves, did she get any sticthes recently? Maybe it keeps her from eating random things off the street. I have a cat that swallowed a nickel once and needed very serious surgery so that might actually be smart of her.

Sarah Silverman Goes Ape

Sarah Silverman was out banging on her pots and pans again. Multimillionaire Sarah Silverman.  I'll tell you what, if I was her neighbor I'd throw her off of that fucking balcony. I guess this time it was done as some tribute to essential workers. Does she mean all the people like me and the ones that I know that are driving trucks, and cabs, and delivering terrible food to you slobs? Or is this some specific group. Millions and millions of people have continued working right through this whole thing you know. And most because they were deemed "essential" by business that couldn't just shut their doors because they wouldn't exist at the end of the month if they did. People like maids at hotels, people at WalMart and cashiers at Costco, Home Depot workers, and accountants...Not just doctors and nurses. But no one ever considers the other people do they.

Jennifer Lopez Carries her Weight

 That picture is from a story called "Jennifer Lopez Shows Off Her Rock Hard Abs". You know, people forget one thing. It's her job to look good. That's ALL she does. Living in such a way so that you can look like that is a full time gig. It takes time, dedication, how you eat, when you eat... it does not happen by accident.  It truly is a way of life. And it can be very expensive.  Unless you're born that way, which irritatingly enough, does happen.

 So yes, if she put on 60 pounds and had to be wheeled into her doctor's office on a mobility scooter to get her blood pressure checked, I'd be super hard on her, not because I don't like her or I have some weird mental problem with women, it's because her one and only job in the whole universe is to look like that. She does absolutely nothing else. She doesn't write her own music, she doesn't work all day then come home and watch the kids while her husband works a second job so they can buy two $5 pizzas to feed their family, her whole career and reason for existing is based on her looks. The fact that she's 50 years old has absolutely nothing to do with it. I know women just a few years on either side of her age that make her look like a boy. So quit looking at these people like they're somehow better than you because they aren't.

Hurray For Television!

Hey good news! American Housewife got renewed! I didn't even know this was a thing that was on TV, but I'm sure you're happy since you were born with the umbilical cord wrapped around your neck and the lack of oxygen damaged your frontal lobes.

Miley Blah Blah Does Blah Blah

Miley Cyrus put a bikini on her 9th grader body and danced to some song her sister (?) recorded. I didn't even know she had a sister. Aren't we done with her yet? Can we be? I think it's time.

Money Wizard

Can we please stop asking doctors for economic advice? I know some PhDs and I wouldn't ask any of them how to balance a checkbook. Doctors don't know everything. I once had a doctor in an emergency room put a splint on my finger backwards despite my insistence that it was wrong, and it wasn't corrected until a second doctor showed up, so maybe running an entire planet's economy is above their pay grade.

Ed Westwick Lost His Shirt

Ed Westwick took a picture of himself in his underwear. You know, for the ladies I thought he was that guy from the 90's TV show Wings, you know, the mechanic guy that was kind of dumb, but I'm thinking of someone else. I guess he's not returning for the Gossip Girl "reboot" whatever that is, hey maybe he'll be too busy building another closet, it'll kind of look like the one he's in right now.

John Travolta Cruises

John Travolta shared a picture of him flying his plane. I'm not entirely sure why this is news but they called him "The Saturday Night Fever star" like he hasn't been in any other movies in the last 43 years. There are middle aged people alive to day that don't know what that Saturday Night Fever is, they couldn't think of any other movie?

Kelly Osbourne is Purple

Kelly Osbourne is kind of hot, end of story.

Jason Derulo Blah Blah Blah

Jason Derulo pretended he chipped his teeth while doing the TikTok corn challenge. People that understand what that means are so stupid it boggles the mind. Lucky for me they can't read any of this. I'm so grateful I never have any idea what you're talking about.

Jason Momoa is Easy Riding

Jason Momoa took his motorcycle for a ride. I don't care about this guy one way or the other if I'm honest, but it's a cool bike. All of these are going to be short today because I don't feel like doing this and I did something to my shoulder yesterday.

Matthew Perry is Mingling

Matthew Perry is back on some dating app called Raya because he broke up with his girlfriend. What, don't you care about Matthew Perry? Why is he on a dating app, it seems like such a weird thing to me, I don't get it. So I guess you can date Matthew Perry now, although I'm not sure why you'd do that. Dude just be in a movie and start sleeping with your co-star. Unless it's a chimpanzee or something, you wouldn't want to do that. Be in a movie with a chimpanzee I mean, those things are mean. I think he's safe though no one in their right mind would cast Matthew Perry opposite a chimpanzee because people still care about chimpanzees, unlike Matthew Perry and his pathetic sex life. Get a hooker loser.

SHELBY TRIBBLE IS PREGNANT OMGZMOGFART!!!

!!!BREAKING NEWS!!! Shelby Tribble is pregnant! She's the one on the right by the way. No of course  I don't know who she is but she's married to Brian Johnson,  The Geek from the movie The Breakfast Club so good for him finally getting laid. I guess you're a real man now.

Leonardo DiCaprio Hangs Out

Leonardo DiCaprio was hanging out with his girlfriend's dad and why not, they're the same age. If he wasn't Leonardo DiCaprio that guy would probably be trying to crack open his skull with a baseball bat for being a 45 year old guy that was fucking his 22 year old daughter but people will do anything for famous people.

Good Work Detective Paparazzo

Yeah no shit. Celebrities have been doing that for as long as there have been celebrities.  Hey maybe you could get a job at 20/20 or some other Discovery ID show. And that's just one link. Just because it's new to you, it doesn't mean it's new.

Selena Gomez Cooks

Selena Gomez was wandering around Los Angeles in a mask despite the fact that she was outside and alone, and she also has a cooking show (??) coming on HBO? I don't know why either of those two things are happening but I needed something to write about, and this already has-been seemed just as good as anyone. What does Selena Gomez know about cooking? She tells her personal chef what to cook for her and that's it. End of story. I don't know how they'll turn that into a cooking show but Hollywood is the land of magic so I guess we'll find out. Hey on the bright side, if nothing else this whole Covid-19 thing will most likely wipe out "celebrity" as we know it, which is actually a really good thing. Be honest when was the last time you thought about Selena Gomez. You haven't at all, not until you saw this. It's all fine with me if I never hear Selena Gomez "music" again as long as I live I think I'll survive.

Ashley Benson and "G-Easy" are Doing Stuff

Ashley Benson and "G-Easy" announced they're having "a fling". I guess flings are announcable now. So two people you've marginally heard of are having sex. Kind of like those people that live down the street from you, only with worse names. I've written about the ludicrous G-Easy before but I'm not linking anything about that dip shit anymore, even from my own blog because it's just so laughably ridiculous.  If Ashley was wise she would have kept the fact that she's fucking that loser under her hat, but most celebrities dropped out of school in the 8th grade and barely have enough gray matter to operate a knife and fork without stabbing themselves.

Paulina Porizkova Frolicks

Paulina Porizkova was at the beach, frolicking. She's 55 years old you know. No, please, don't feel bad go ahead. Have some more cake.

Tyra Banks is Mad. Mad About Shopping.

Tyra Banks went shopping. Hopefully for a new attitude. She looks like she wants to send you to the principle's office. Yeesh

Alicia Silverstone Spotted Alive

Alicia Silverstone took her dog for a walk (trust me there's a dog around there somewhere) !!!WITHOUT WEARING A MASK!!! I really hope someone called the cops. She's outside by herself so no need for a mask. Unless she plans on robbing a 7-11. She's 43 now and looks remarkably the same from all those many years ago when she was in that movie, Mean Girls or whatever it was. With that girl that later died,  Brittany Something. What was the name of that movie? Rich Girl? Single Girl? You know, with the guy? And that other guy, the one from that thing. Her dad was played by that guy from Cheers that was married to Carla. When you think of it let me know.

Megan "Thee Stallion" Does Some Things

Someone calling herself "Megan Thee Stallion" celebrated being picked to be a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon. Does she not know that a stallion is "an uncastrated adult male horse". I'm going to go out on a limb and bet bet she probably doesn't. Please stop making these imbeciles famous. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT. Not mine. The Louis Vuitton phone case is there to prove she has class and style. Ironically, if she had class and style she wouldn't need the phone case to tell you. But I know shit like that is lost on idiots like this.

Baby Needs a New Pair of Shoes

I kind of like these shoes. If I was The Joker

Matthew McGonnaag hey Is a Doctor Now

Matthew McConaughey said a bunch of shit about Covid-19 but seriously, who gives a fuck what this guy thinks about anything. The thingie on the screen says he's "joined the fight to defeat Covid-19" but I want to know exactly what it is he's doing. Telling me to stay home? Yeah okay Commander Medicine, thanks for joining the fight, we all feel a lot better now.

Dakota Is Chilly

 One of the Dakotas, Johnson this time, took some "racy" photos for Marie Claire. I don't know what makes them racy, I just read the source material I didn't write it. I guess maybe because she's kind of squeezing her boobs together and wearing gloves? They said she's 30 but I have my doubts. If she said "guess my age" I would have said 38, because I'm in a mood,  even though my advice when a woman says that is to always say "I don't know but I'd guess you're between 28 and 34". Just take my word for it. Say that every time, you don't go to Hell for lying like that.

 There was an attached interview wherein she discusses her battle with "depression and anxiety" but if I hear one more 20-50 year old woman talk about her anxiety and depression, I'm going to walk into traffic. Depression and anxiety is the 2020's version of heartburn and lactose intolerance. Remember when everyone thought they couldn't drink milk, unless they took that medicine that was sold by that hillbilly comic with the fish hook on his hat? Maybe I'm getting my Idiot Drugs mixed up. You people are so fucking weird and gullible. 


!!!UPDATE!!!!  I looked at more pictures and there's no way this woman is 30. No fucking way. She's extremely attractive so the point isn't the age but don't start off our relationship with a lie. It's not necessary, and how are we going to establish some kind of trust if this is your opening statement?

Madison Beer is Somebody

Madison Beer went out to lunch in her ripped jeans while carrying a bag. Maybe she fell down while skateboarding, or no! Maybe she was doing the brakes on her car, you know how kneeling on that concrete is so hard on your jeans, that's why you gotta have a moving pad to work on.  Wearing a mask while you're outside by yourself has become the new "tiny dogs in purses". I haven't seen any that are covered in crystals yet, but you know they're out there. You just know they'll have a little flap just big enough for a straw so you can sip your drink.

!!!Breaking Kristen Wiig News!!!

Kristen Wiig might be pregnant which is good for her because this is the first time I've thought about Kristen Wiig since she got married.

Blah blah blah...

'I don't know if I truly appreciated my mom the first 45 years of my life. 

'But this year I'm feeling especially grateful for her advice, her love. I'm so thankful for all the things she's taught me, like preparing me to be a mom myself.'

That's a pretty big hint. She's 45 so this is what in medical terms would be known as a "geriatric pregnancy". Or the now more Human friendly term "advanced maternal age" because Mother Nature tries to stop people having babies at some point over 35 or there'd be 20 trillion people on the planet. Hey I don't name the medical things and I'm also not in charge of planetary evolution so if you have a problem with any of this take it up with the AMA.

Jerry Stiller Dead at 92

Jerry Stiller died. He was 92.

Joan Collins Conquers Europe

Remember Joan Collins? I do. Kind of. She was in the 1977 classic "Empire of the Ants", back when Hollywood basically survived on movies saying Mother Nature was taking her revenge on humans for polluting her planet. Oh sure there were a couple other movies that year, Saturday Night Fever, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Star Wars, Smokey and the Bandit... which believe it or not was nearly as big as Star Wars, and on some weeks during that time actually beat Star Wars at the box office, but few were more important than Empire of the Ants.

 Well anyhoo, Joan Collins -- who I thought died a couple of years ago and  MAN! I can not imagine who I keep mixing these people up with -- was on her balcony drinking champagne to commemorate VE Day.  She is 86 years old so for all we know she might think it's VE Day right now. I didn't know she was British. Is she? Check it out and let me know. Still you have to admit she looks pretty much the same as she always has, are we sure that's the real Joan Collins? Have they replaced her with an animatronic Joan Collins? I'm on to you Illuminati types WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE REAL JOAN COLLINS

Jessica Simpson is Mad

Jessica Simpson was shamed for having boobs? I don't know they look pretty okay to me I have no idea what this story is talking about because this is apparently something that happened in 2007. I guess I could read the source material but why in the world would I want to do that? I almost never do that and I'm not about to start now. Everyone realizes this is 2020 right?

 Feeling a little like Jayne Mansfield after reading this (inaccurate!) oral history of the #MetBall where I am body shamed by #SallySinger,' wrote Jessica on Instagram. 

Sharing her anger at 'being shamed for having boobs', Jessica called the description of her 2007 outfit 'nauseating'.

Maybe it was a retrospective by this other person, honestly who knows. I didn't even know the Met Gala had a history that anyone cared about. I wish I knew what the Hell was going on half the time.  Take my word for it Jess (I call her Jess), your boobs look fine. I'll tell you what, why don't you stop by,  this is a safe space for you. Oh and bring that dress, here why don't you have a drink.

Nicky Whelan Splits

Nicky Whelan left her husband Kerry Rhodes after just six months of marriage but won't say why. Fascinating story isn't it. I guess he's a football player and she's an actress but I've never heard of these two people before this very moment and the only thing I can say is...dude that's a good thing. Ive only seen her picture and I can tell you dodged a bullet. Seriously, just be glad she's gone. Close this chapter and move on with your life. Maybe go buy yourself a new dirt bike or something.

Kate Beckinsale is a Trailblazer

  Kate Beckinsale is mad at the double standard when women date younger men, as opposed to men dating younger women...

The actress, 46, said men 'constantly do whatever they like', whereas women over the age of 32 seem to be committing a 'political act' whenever they do anything 'risqué' or 'fun'.

 'I witness men constantly doing whatever they like, whether in relationships, or deciding to buy a motorbike, or getting a tattoo. 

'It hasn't been interpreted as, "why hasn't he had more children?" or "is he ever going to decide to become a parent?" or "why has he had so many girlfriends?".'

 Kate obviously lives on THE PLANET OF THE WOMEN because I've been a man my whole life and I've had people ask me that kind of stuff all the time, so I have no idea what she's talking about.  And I've long been a "supporter" - for lack of a better word - of "age gaps" and the proof is all over this blog (there are plenty more go find them if you want to read them I forgot where they are).  If you like someone, you like someone, as long as everyone is a mentally stable adult, making rational decisions, the age of the people in the relationship is no one's business but their own.  I don't think the problem is the gap itself, it's the age of the actual person. Kate is 46. She could date a much younger man that was 31, instead she picked a guy that just turned old enough to buy beer a year ago.

The fact remains that men are idiots. And if some 48 year old guy can date a 22 year old he's going to believe me. I personally have no idea why you'd want to do that but people do it. And if you ask most women, the idea of dating a 22 year old man is repulsive, and with good reason. I've asked women about dating guys in their 20s in the past and they look at me like I just showed them a picture of dog puke. 22 year old men are imbeciles. 32 year old men are slightly better but not much. You probably have to wait until they're 52 before a guy is normal. If you're lucky. Anyway, maybe there's a double standard, I don't know, in this day and age it doesn't seem likely. But people also don't know  how to mind their own business to beging with. And if it makes her uncomfortable maybe she should try to pick someone that hasn't even gone to his 5 Year High School Reunion yet.

Lindsey Vonn is Wet

Lindsey Vonn washed her car in her bikini because people haven't mentioned Lindsey Vonn in a couple of years. I guess she has a special car that doesn't need the windows rolled up when you spray it with water. Um what else... oh yes, her dogs were also in there. By the way, every Lindsey I've ever known was a total bitch. Just thought I'd mention that. Can I stop talking about this person now?

Bruce Willis Loves Dr Seuss

I saved this picture of Bruce Willis and his whole family dressed like Dr Seuss characters while they participated in quarantine. Basically, he went to Idaho to spend "shelter in place" with his ex-wife Demi Moore.Why does she live in Idaho? On the other hand, being quarantined with Demi Moore - even in Idaho - doesn't really sound all that bad if I'm honest, especially if she still has that "whiskey voice" of hers. And the white Navy uniform from a Few Good Men. Kathleen Turner kind of has that voice too, it's pretty rare. It's all smokey and mysterious and vaguely threatening, like she'd run off after maxing out your credit cards and trashing your car after a six month long violence filled relationship... Man I dig this whole idea a lot. You can't fake that kind of voice thing you know. It's not like getting breast implants or something, which is also fine. I'm very laid back and non-judgmental when it comes to people's personal preferences, especially mine.  I don't know who that guy is in the back, I didn't ask a lot of questions.

Site News

I only have the one post for today, but I whipped together three more really quick in about an hour just now.  They aren't time sensitive and they aren't really newsworthy at all, so I'll post them tomorrow. That way I don't have to do anything tomorrow except hit "publish". If I was getting paid anything at all for this I'd probably look like a genius, instead of just some idiot that does this for basically absolutely no reason. Jesus. It's hard to even look directly at her.

Kate Middleton Wears Cheap Dresses

Kate Middleton supported "the High Street" by wearing a $150 dress. As opposed to a $4000 dress, which I personally think would have supported them a lot better.  First of all, what's the high street? There's a great big world outside of the UK and not everyone goes to fancy streets for their clothes. Secondly how much do dresses cost, because even $150 kind of sounds like a lot of money to me. Someone unrolls some fabric and sews it into roughly the shape of a person and sells it for $150. Done.  Honestly, it doesn't look like it would be all that hard to make a dress. And if you go to Michael's or something fabric is like $2 for one of those whole big rolls. On the other hand, I guess the sewing machines can be expensive, so you have to cover those costs, plus how much does a factory cost in Indonesia? I bet those things aren't free either. I also don't imagine the Princess of Wales or whatever doesn't do a lot of shopping on Amazon for her clothes, but to be fair I don't either, not when you can get perfectly good pants at the dollar store.



Editor's Note: I barely want to write this blog anymore now as it is, I'm not sweating it over hastily put together pictures. All I have is paint so that's what I use.You can always make me good ones and send over them if you're that concerned.

Halsey Blog Day One

Here's Halsey again. I guess this is the Halsey blog now. I'm not sure why she's doing this, I guess she's bored. This is a character from Overwatch? I have no idea what that is, but it looks like one of those Japanese cartoons that make people have seizures so no thank you. Well...maybe just this once. If she was my girlfriend I'd make her stop I can tell you that much. Making horrible music I mean, not dressing up like this what are you nuts? Trust me this is fine.

Gwyneth Paltrow is Mysterious

Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband Brad Ricechex went out for a stroll while wearing their little masks on Saturday. So let me get this straight. You're outside, walking by yourselves, in the sun and the breeze, with no one else in sight, and when you get home and you're inside with the recirculated air, you'll take off your masks. Is that what you're going to do? Why? Do you think The Vid (©) is just floating around outside kind of like smoke, but not inside, looking to infect someone like the Vietcong? Is your house airtight to the point of suffocation? Did you have a negative pressure machine installed? I'm no virologist, and in fact, I'm stupid as shit, and even I know that's not how viruses work. I included a couple of links but I didn't go crazy because I know you won't read them.

 And don't ask me "What if they stop to talk to someone?" like you're the world's greatest debater because I'll tell you why, Gwyneth Paltrow isn't stopping to talk to strangers on the street. She probably doesn't even talk to her husband. I love how everyone on the planet stopped thinking, or didn't bother to try to learn anything about anything despite the fact that most of you are locked up inside 24 hours a day with absolutely nothing to do, and almost every bit of information humans have collected on virtually every subject known to mankind is literally at your fingertips, but instead went immediately to pieces bought a ton of toilet paper and useless masks and devolved into puddles of goo at the first sign of danger. This is why I'm going it alone when the world really ends.

Doctor Nope

Weird. China's scientific terror groups haven't advanced all that much since 1963.

Jordan Peele and JJ Abrams are Super Scary

 Jordan Peele and JJ Abrams have a new show called "Lovecraft Country" coming soon to HBO or some other channel I don't get so I don't care. I'm only writing this because you probably care. If it wasn't for watching terrible television shows and coronavirus you'd have nothing else to talk about. I can only assume from the title it's a scary (boo!) show because it has the word "Lovecraft" in it.

 I tried reading Lovecraft stories in high school because everyone has to do it. It's kind of like moving "to the city" or pretending you like The Doors or being an Atheist. It's a right of passage for 15 year olds that want to pretend they're smart. All I remember about the stuff I did read was it seemed incomprehensible to me.  Like he typed a bunch of words, jumbled them all up and threw them at the pages and whatever stuck was his TALES OF HORROR. I'd give you more information here so you didn't have to click the link up there to find out but I no longer care about this and never really did, but I assume you're tired of looking at pictures of Jennifer Aniston and 25 year olds in bikinis.