Christine McGuiness Goes Tits Up

  Christine McGuinness posted a picture on Instagram thanking her fans for standing by her after she had a total mental breakdown. No not really, I don't know what her problem was but she included a caption which I added to the picture so you don't have to visit this idiots Instagram account. But that's only part of the caption. The whole thing read...

Thanks for sticking with me this year here are my tits in a bikini (Ed: this is a lie)

I'm kidding but at least that would have been honest. And no I don't know who she is, I may have even written about her before who knows, I'm mysterious.  But every blonde with big tits is famous now so she really could be almost anybody.

Isabella Goulart is Swimming in the Shallow End

 Isabella Goulart went to the beach with her boyfriend (no picture of him was available). I don't know what his name is but I'll bet you $50 right now it's probably Ryan or Colton or Justin or something like that. They keep insisting she's 28 years old because they think you were born without eyes and are also dumber than a bag full of doorknobs. Which, let's face it, you probably are but hey, at least you're happy right?  

Barbara Walters Dead at 93

 None of you have thought about Barbara Walters in at least 10 years. Probably 20.

Alessandro Ambrosio is Cute

 Isn't she just so cute?? She's a model but she's 41 now so she's reduced to posting pictures on Instagram. Hey, you know how I feel about women over the age of 40 so don't blame me. I don't make the rules, I'm just here to support her and try to make her feel better. Like with a nice massage. Would you like that Allie? 

 

Chantel Something Does Something

 Here's another dim bulb in a bikini. I didn't bother committing her name to memory, it's in the lower left hand corner on that picture, if you're so interested look down, because I couldn't possibly care less anymore

Elsa Pataky Turns Her Back on 2022

 I've decided to write about Elsa Pataky a lot more in 2023. A LOT more. I just wanted you to know that so you could adjust your plans accordingly. You do realize she is nearly 50 years old. I just want you to think about that while you look at yourself on in the mirror next time you bring up a woman - or anyone's -  age.

Merry Christmas from Me and Liz

 Merry Christmas!

Paulina Porizkova Keeps Talking

 Paulina Porizkova blathered on and on about getting older and being 57 and helping other women yadda yadda yadda... how should I know I only skimmed it. All of which is easy for her to say she still looks like this, so give me a break. Anyway, I will say I'm sure somewhere in that endless stream of nonsense she probably brought up her gray hair, and being single or whatever.  No one cares. 

 Gray hair is just like any hair. I personally know a girl that's in her 30s that dyed her hair a silver/gray on purpose, it doesn't necessarily make you look "old", but it can make you look CRaZy so it's a very fine tightrope to walk. It's a difficult "look" to pull off but the same goes for any hair color it all depends on the person.  I'm a pretty average dude and trust me, gray hair is not a deal breaker, not by any stretch of the imagination. And if it is you're probably better off without a guy like that around anyway.

Kate Hudson has Horrible Taste in Music

I'm sorry gang I'm trying but work sucks, and no one does anything in December and I've been complaining about that for as long as I've been doing this. Kate Hudson weaning nothing but boots and a man's dress coat would make a pretty nice present for Christmas don't you think? I'm sure her husband, President Hirohito or whatever the fuck his name is thinks so. Or he would if he actually liked girls. 

That's weird, when I Googled her husband, Google says she's still married to Chris Robinson. Can you believe that? The Black Crowes was the second worst band I've ever seen live in concert, and that's no exaggeration. It was sheer torture. I'm sorry Kate, I don't know if I can be involved with someone that would voluntarily (I assume) marry a member of that horrible band. Maybe call me when you get some taste (save that jacket).

Britney Spears is Sunny

 I wasn't going to write about Britney Spears today but I really liked this picture of her. It was attached to some story about her father and yadda yadda yadda you don't care trust me. All I care about is her in those sparkly boots, I'm just being honest. Oh and that shirt. The one that's open. She can just leave those two things on if you get what I'm saying (it's about sex again).

!!!BREAKING KATIE HOLMES NEWS!!!

 

OMG! KATIE HOLMES BROKE UP WITH HER BOYFRIEND BOOBY WOOTEN (?)! Okay so someone who's last movie came and went that you never saw and had a bunch of people in it that you don't recognize, broke up with a guy that you've never heard of. The December news doldrums are hitting us square in the face harder than Mike Tyson. I'm really starting to dislike Katie Holmes and it isn't even her fault.

Sophia Vergara is Ready for her Close Up

 It was 60 degrees yesterday in Hollywood but that didn't stop Sophia Vergara from dressing up like Baby Jane Hudson in a white coat and a mask while walking around. Outside. By herself. So as attractive as I think she is I guess I'm done with her too. Like I've said, you can wear what you want on your face, it doesn't mean I have to pay attention to you.

Salma Hayek is Weird

 What is it with Salma Hayek and these dresses. I've seen her dressed like this before. Is she going to attend some fancy Hollywood event or a quinceanera in Pilsen. She's been a Hollywood star for 30 plus years and her husband is a billionaire, so I can't think of a single reason why she keeps dressing like she's going to the new Speedy Gonzalez live action remake.

Lottie Moss is Groundbreaking

 Oh hey look everybody! Lottie Moss put on a bikini and made the news again! I seem to write about this vapid moron a lot.  What kind of life is this? And I mean me, not her. At least she has a hobby. Taking pictures of herself while she's all alone wearing bikinis. By the way this was about how she got a tattoo. On her face. It's a small tattoo under her left eye that reads "love". I have tattoos. A lot of tattoos. Please don't get a tattoo on your face.

She says she was drunk when she got it but that's 100% pure bullshit. There isn't a tattoo parlor on Earth that would tattoo anyone while they're drunk anywhere on their body, never mind their face. It's right at the top of the waiver you have to sign before they'll even let you sit in the chair. Oh sure they'll tattoo your face, but most tattoo artists would pass on this job. It's just easier for them to not tattoo some idiots face than it is to deal with the potential future problems this would cause them. Of course I think she lives in Australia or something and they eat kangaroos so who knows what their rules are down there.

Denise Austin is Always Sunny

It's Saturday afternoon and I have other things to do so I'm only writing this to remind you that former  -- former? Current? I don't know -- fitness "guru" Denise Austin is 65 years old. 

 

 

Katie Holmes Enjoys Awful Music

 Other people are still writing about Katie Holmes so I guess I'm still writing about Katie Holmes. She went to the iHeart Radio Jingle Bell Ball for Shitty Music where she got $10 of the price of her tickets because she wore mom jeans. You know, she could've just worn that top as a really short dress with high heels, she for sure has the legs for it. Or maybe just a t-shirt to go with the jeans of bands she's never really listened to (Motörhead, Guns N' Roses, Metallica) so at least she'd look like a rocker. Instead she opted for whatever this is. And yet they still called her "stylish". She's attractive and wealthy so I have no idea why she insists on walking around like she's about to bum cigarettes from the overweight, middle aged biker guys that wear doo rags and nothing but black shirts at "The Landing Strip" on Irving Park Road.

Olivia Atwood is Somebody

 Olivia Atwood stood around in her underwear. Why? I have no idea. I've said this before and I'll say it again. I don't know how much longer I can do this. This is what passes for interesting now. Fine...yes. She's attractive and looks good (mostly) naked, but is there anything else? Anything at all? Because she doesn't look like that all the time, I promise. I once had a model girlfriend, and after about two weeks I couldn't stand to be in the same room with her. Trust me, how someone looks is only a very, very small part of it. 

I closed the story after stealing that picture so I'm sure she's a reality TV person or actress or famous TikTok magician or whatever. If you want to know Google her because I don't care.

The Long Goodbye

 Let's face it, every guy that got fired from Twitter looks like someone I'd want to punch in the face until I was out of breath so it's probably for the best

Joy Corrigan is Old Enough

 I wasn't going to write about model Joy Corrigan because being 27, she doesn't meet my minimum age requirement (35) but I think we can look past that for the time being I mean give me a fucking break.. This is like bribing a fat cop with donuts

Florence Pugh is Huge

 Florence Pugh is all over the place all the sudden and honestly I have no idea why. Here she is at the British Independent Film Awards pretending to be a bat. She seems nice enough. She also looks short, you know how you can kind of tell when someone "looks" short? I just looked, she's 5'4 which isn't really short for a woman I guess, most women I know are around that height.  No word about her weight but I'd guess 105 pounds?  Is she British? I'll look into it. I'm kind of like an investigative journalist now except I don't really care. 

Hailey Bieber is a Young 26

 I'm not writing about Hailey Bieber anymore. She always looks like a little kid playing dress up. Like, who walks around like that for really no good reason? This is what sixteen year olds think looks "classy", and it is. For a New Year's Eve party or a benefit square dance or something but not for just being out walking around.  Is she still married to Justin Bieber? They're never together, at least in pictures. To be fair, I guess if I was married to Justin Bieber I'd get lost by myself every chance I could too.

Kate Hudson is Sunny

  Kate Hudson posed for a picture in her bikini with a friend. I saw this picture and immediately thought of that Carrie Fisher with her stunt double/Star Wars sun tanning thing...

I'm not even sure which one is Kate but if they want to dress up like Slave Leia I don't think it really matters. Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking? I bet you aren't. It's about sex. With both of them. At the same time. That's what I was thinking

 

Site Update

 Gang I'm sorry, I've been caught up in my other job - the one that pays me money to buy food - and I come home so burned out I can't even do this stupid crap. I'll try to get to it this weekend but I think I have to work Saturday too. I'm like one of those Chinese political prisoners at that place. I'm a hero.

Merry Christmas Donna

 

Uummmm... I wasn't going to write about Donna D'Errico again so soon, but in my defense, how could I not. I mean come the fuck on. 

Rafaella Santos is Someone

 

I'm tired of the World Cup and 500 hot tattooed women in bikinis can't make me care about it. Thank Christ this only happens every four years or two years or whatever. I don't even know if it's still happening and you're never going to get me to check to see if it is.

Bella Hadid Likes Muppets

 Bella Hadid took pictures of her Dark Crystal face and posted them somewhere. I didn't bother to find out where because of all the celebrities I don't care about, she's the one I don't care about the most. I only write most of this crap because someone must care, since somebody is constantly talking about her for some God only knows reason. 

Britney Spears Goes Scooters

 Britney Spears has reached the "wearing a wedding dress all the time" level of not needing a conservatorship anymore.

Donna D'Errico is Lonely

 

Donna D'Errico says she's "lonely". I don't know why she feels this way since I pretty much stopped reading after I got that far because I ran to the flower shop to buy her a truck full of roses before I remembered that I thought she was married to a billionaire? But thank God Google says no. 

It did say she was married to Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue "fame", and I have to admit it'll be a little difficult for me to get past that, but I'm an adult and someone's past is just that, so I'm sure I can get over it. Especially after I just saw this...

I am no angel. I’ve done some questionable things. Some with full knowledge of what I was doing and wish I could forget. Some when I wasn’t in my right mind and don’t care to remember

A woman that looks like that with a dark and mysterious past? Count. Me. In.  I'm not saying I'd marry her without ever meeting her in person, but I'm not not saying that either.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

!!!BREAKING MOLLIE KING NEWS!!!

 OMGOMGOMG MOLLIE KING HAD A BABY!! YES!!! THE MOLLIE KING!!

I realize you may have to sit down after reading this so I'll give you a few moments to get yourselves together.

Jared Leto for the Ladies

 Jared Leto walked around with his shirt off. The most surprising thing about this isn't that he's 50 years old, it's that people still ask about Jared Leto. The last thing I seem to remember seeing him in was Fight Club and I may not be right even about that. And that was in 1999.  Put your shirt on you asshole, I'm sure it's freezing there. You know how you can tell? His 50 year old skin is as tight as a snare drum. That's what happens when it's cold, your skin shrinks and gets tight.  That could also explain why he's wearing baggy pants and not shorts because your skin isn't the only thing that shrinks in the cold if you know what I mean (I'm talking about his dick).

World Cup Etc., Etc.

 Here's what you need to be named "The World Cup's Sexiest Fan". A plastic smile, big tits and a bikini. I already closed to source story so I don't remember her name although I think it's Ivana (of course). Maybe I'll just call her Veronica. I always liked that name, besides I'm sure she doesn't care, as long as you're taking her picture and posting it somewhere so drunken, simple minded soccer fans from India and Pakistan can tell her how sexy she is in the comments.

Kelly Rowland. Disco Queen

 Kelly Rowland looks like she stepped out of Studio 54 and straight into my heart. I have to admit I don't know who she is but her name is familiar to me even though I don't know why. Of course if a girl with that hair walked up to me wearing a tuxedo jacket and nothing else underneath I'd call her whatever she liked up to and including "Wife Number 4".

Chelsee Healy is Somebody

Chelsee Healy (Chelsee?) walked around dressed like an extra from a Whitesnake video and still nobody cared. Of course she's some dim bulb, reality show contestant or something. The next time you think Europeans are smarter than you just remember, these people make up what seems to be about 96% of what they watch on television over there. The other four percent is soccer and reruns of now dead, "punk rock" celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain eating gross food in countries you'll never visit.

The American What Awards?

 The American Music Awards were televised Sunday night, at least I think they were televised there was no way I was going to watch that. Not when "My Name is Earl" is available on demand. The only information I wanted to pass on to you about this event is this...

 Within 10 years you'll have almost zero memory of at least 60% of the people that won an award that night. 

Trust me on this. I know you're saying to yourself, "this geezer is crazy", because yeah I said that too. And music was my life. I was going to include examples of bands/musicians that once sold out stadiums but are now driving from gig to gig in more "cozy" local venues but no joke, I don't remember any. And the late 1990s/early 2000s wasn't really all that long ago.  So buckle up, because time marches on.

All Mariah Carey Wants is Christmas

 Mariah Carey's team tried as hard as they could to stuff her into a red jumpsuit that was two sizes to small for her and wheeled her out to perform "All I want for Christmas is You" for, I assume, Christmas. Trust me, the chunky Frankenstein shoes aren't helping.

Mariah Carey has a reported net worth of $340 million dollars. I realize those sites probably aren't very reliable, but even if it's wrong by 200% she's still fabulously wealthy. She's richer than a lot of rich people. Why don't these people ever just stop and find nice quiet hobbies out in the country somewhere instead of embarrassing themselves like this well into their 40s, 50s and beyond. Do something else. Paint sunsets, and throw popcorn to the ducks in your private mountain lake. I will never understand it.

They Say it's Your Birthday

 Happy birthday Joe Biden

Site Update

 I have some stories - ha stories - ready to go, but I may save them for Monday when it might not be so easy for me to write, I haven't officially decided. I'm a wild card.

Demi Lovato Shoots and Scores

They called Demi Lovato's outfit "Rocker Chic" and not "Saturday Night Lesbian Bar Hopping Gym Teacher" like I would have but that's probably why they get paid to write and I don't.

Yung Miami is Boring

I'm resisting the notion that I need to write about someone that calls themselves "Yung Miami". If this person vanished off the face of the Earth tomorrow who would notice. Almost nobody.

 I can't. I just can't write about her. Of all the boring, simple-minded celebrity types I write about here, I imagine her, and her tacky, boujee trash, Scarface mansion are probably the zenith, the top of the mountain if you will, that they all strive for. She's like a wise man guru or something. Well, she would be if her brain functioned at all.

Rita Ora is Me(n)tal

 Remember when I said Rita Ora was hot? Never mind. 

Olivia Wilde Likes Volvos and Babies

 Olivia Wilde dressed like this to attend the Baby2Baby "Gala". She probably wore that to deflect attention from her being a horrible person (allegedly). This was also in the original story...

...the girlfriend of Harry Styles made her piercing blue eyes pop with a precise application of black liner to create a siren effect.

A peach-toned lip color was softly applied to her pout and her sculpted cheekbones were dusted with a subtle mauve blush.

 I swear this is the worst hobby I've ever picked. And I've been doing this for years. Years before I was even doing it here. Can you believe that?  Can you imagine reading about make up tips from "Harry Styles girlfriend" since like 2008? Because that's how long I've been doing this. 

Site Update

 I'll be working at a different job for the next couple of days with somewhat limited computer access so there will be hit or miss updates but I'll try. Hang loose.

Leslie Jordan I Hardly Knew Ye

 This guy dropped dead a couple weeks ago and everyone is still making a big deal out of it even though I have ZERO idea who he was. Leslie Jordan. That's it. That's all I know I've never even heard his name before he died. He looks short, so maybe he was some kind of civil rights hero for short people. Maybe they'll name a street after him. A cul-de-sac seems appropriate because they're short and round too. Godspeed little doodle

Demi Moore Celebrates

Today is Demi Moore's 60th birthday in case you're 26 and you think you're pretty hot

Jennifer Aniston is Alluring

Jennifer Aniston took some pictures for Allure Magazine. Magazine? Really? I think they just say that because I don't think they make magazines anymore. Kind of like how everyone calls everything Kleenex even though that really pisses off the Kleenex people. She also did an interview where she talks about infertility or something I really have no idea. See, I don't even read those stories about Jennifer Aniston. Of course you're "infertile" you're 53. People have to stop having babies at some point or the whole world would look like that swarm of mice in that one video from Australia. That's shit is crazy isn't it?

I'm Helping!

 I think it's hilarious that the guy with brain damage won his election race. I literally laughed out loud when I saw the news. Honestly, after this nothing you people do will surprise me. Hey, maybe someone should tell him he won.

Marisa Tomei is Cute

 Marisa Tomei was at some fashion thing and I just think she's really cute. She's weirdly sexy. I don't mean in a weird way but there's just something sexy about her even though she isn't constantly parading around in her underwear. Maybe it's how she carries herself? I don't know, but what I do know is I won't be saying anything gross. At least I won't yet,  but let's see where this goes.

Madonna Blows (a Fuse)

 

Madonna went insane. That's the only reasonable explanation for all of this. Yes I realize she's 64 years old now but so what? Denise Austin is 65.  Donna D'Errico is 54.  Jacklyn Smith is nearly 80.  I could sit here and link stories like that all day long.
 

And yes I realize genetics plays a big part in this, but so does dipping your face in acid or whatever the fuck she's doing. Remember this Madonna? That was in 2015, when she was 58. It's not even the same person. Some kind of fuse blew or something. I guess a lot can happen in six or seven years and what she needs is someone to sit down and have a talk with her. For real, I'm starting to feel bad for her because this isn't good. All that money and this is what you do? Post insane videos on Instagram? Shit I do that now and I have about $14 to my name.

Aaron Carter Dead

 

Aaron Carter died this weekend.  No word yet as to how. All I can say is, I hope he gets better. I'll let you know if his condition improves.