Kyle Richards Vacations

Kyle Richards was in Mexico doing this. Why? Who knows, maybe they were on a break from filming a MILF porn. I think that's what she does for a living, but I can't be sure. What am I, the Library of Congress?

Joe Jonas is Stylish

Joe Jonas was out walking around, dressed like this on purpose. They didn't say anything about where he was, or where he was going, so you can see what I'm up against when it comes time to write this junk. They could at least ask him why he's dressed that way. Maybe he joined the "Special Army". Hey you never know, there are a lot of secrets in the world they don't tell us about.

Lady Grande Goes Gaga

Lady Gaga and Julianna Grande or whatever the fuck her name is wore masks while they performed at the MTV Video Music Awards. Too bad you could still hear them. I didn't know they still did the VMAs, but I guess they do, there's the proof. I find it extremely difficult to believe that anyone pays attention to these anymore, but obviously someone does.Okay well, see you next year I guess.

Mary J Blige is Here

I thought Mary J Blige was dead. I have no idea who I keep confusing these people with.

Brad Pitt Plays With Fire

Brad Pitt has a new girlfriend. Her name is Nicole Poturalski. He's 56, and she's 27. And married. That sounds complicated. No thanks. She's cute and all but you don't need that shit in your life Brad. You're Brad Pitt. Dude. Keep looking. I have to admit I didn't think you were this dumb but c'mon man, married?  Hey you know, whatever. I guess if it works, it works. I'm including two links from different sources in case they say something different but they won't. I don't know man, you gotta do what's right for you.  I think you're asking for problems but it's your life.

Cara Santana Goes to the Beach

I don't feel like doing this today. I barely slept and I'm super anxious for absolutely no reason I can think of. You know how when you take a bunch of speed or cocaine and you're all jittery and can't sit still and your mind races, and you think the cops are after you? That's how I feel. I can't afford drugs so at least this is natural thank God.

 Thankfully Cara Santana showed up on the beach wearing a bikini. A polka dot bikini. It's official. These people are doing this on purpose. Who would have imagined, celebrity superstar actresses would be reading this blog and want to please me by constantly wearing polka dots. I can't think of any other reason they would be doing this. Be honest, can you? No. You can't. I appreciate it everyone.

Wilmer Valderrama For the Ladies

Wilmer Valderrama went for a run with his shirt off. You know, for the ladies. Maybe his roller blades were broken. In case you don't know, he was on "That 70's Show", and if you're uner the age of 21 you may not because that show went off the air 15 years ago. By the way, he was the guy with the accent. Balki? I think? Something like that. Apparently he's 40 so that's why this is news. Well there you go, 40 year old goes running with his shirt off. TA-DAH!

Tom Cruise Does Stuff

Tom Cruise also walked around London, after arriving at the airport, but at least he was in a mask, unlike that other selfish uncaring meanie.  Hey think of it this way. If you want someone to endorse mask wearing, why not the world's most famous Scientology nut job? Not only is he wearing it outside alone, but he was wearing it in his helicopter alone. In the sky. While he was flying. Where no one else except Superman could possibly be. I'd say that's a pretty solid show of scientific support wouldn't you?

Ellie Goulding is Someone

Ellie Goulding dressed like a hooker then walked around London. I figure she did this for one of two reasons. Reason 1. For attention, since she isn't really famous except in B-List celebrity rags, or 2. to lure Jack the Ripper out of hiding. I'd like to think it was the second reason so she could help the world track down this notorious killer, but I'm sure it's the first one since I'd bet anything she's a vapid idiot.

Mary Fitzgerald Sells Crap

The world of celebrity has finally filtered its way down to real estate agents. The weird thing is, this is the second time in very recent history real estate agents have made the celebrity news. I scrolled past a picture of a blonde woman and I thought, "who's that?" and my answered arrived in the form of Mary Fitzgerald, who's on some show called "Selling Sunsets", a show whose title was thought up by one of the producers 12 year old daughters. I swear to Christ, you people will watch almost anything they put on that stupid cube in your living room. Did someone drop you on your head when you were a baby? They called her "leggy" because writing on the internet makes you stupid. And believe me I should know. It comes from having to talk about these nitwits all the time.

Cardi B Blah Blah

Lookin' good!

I'm a Winner

I was finally awarded a merit badge for wearing a mask today. It came in the mail there was no real ceremony so that was kind of a bummer. My mom even called to congratulate me. So nice. I don't know where it goes from here, but I feel I'm up to the challenge.

Bradley Cooper is Acting

Bradley Cooper was filming a movie called "Bruce Jenner: Before the Snip". I'm kidding I have no idea what the movie is called and I don't care because I'll never see it. I have nothing against Bradley Cooper but I will say I'm totally indifferent to him. He could spend the rest of his life saving babies and I wouldn't care. It's not him, it's me. I'm the problem. In short, fuck you Brad.

Julianna Hough Takes Pictures

I didn't look for anything to write about today, so  I clicked on the first picture I saw of a girl in a bikini and it wound up being Julianne Hough. I don't remember who she is, I thought she was on some MTV show back in the early 2000s but I could be thinking of someone else. She seems standard enough, what with the eyebrows, and the hair etc., etc. They all seem terribly dull to me but what do I know. I have no idea if it works the same way in the opposite direction, i.e. what guys look like to girls but maybe it's just me. The girls I like are all out there somewhere wrestling alligators or getting stuck in the mud in their Jeep or something, instead of being 35 year olds standing around in their parent's lake house taking pictures of themselves in the family room mirror. I hope she has a good time pretending to do yoga on the beach, which is what I fully expect from her next.

Heidi Kium is a Miracle

47 year old Heidi Klum put on a bikini (holy shit) so you'd feel bad about yourself. Why don't you tell us how good she looks "for her age", because when you're her age you won't have that mom haircut and jeans with the extra room in the seat so you're more comfortable driving your minivan to your kid's soccer practice. Which reminds me, this was about how she watched her kids play a game or something with her husband or whatever he is. I had his picture around here somewhere but I guess I lost it.What a shame.

!!!BREAKING GWYNETH PALTROW NEWS!!!

She was at the beach

Lea Michele Squeezed Out a Baby

Glee "star" Lea Michele had a baby. So I guess not everyone on that show was gay like I thought. My mistake. So good for them , breeding and keeping humanity going and all that.  Still, I think there should be a limit to how long you can call someone a star of a show, so you're not doing it for a show that hasn't existed for over six years. Who even remembers Glee at this point? I do but only because they keep calling her the star of Glee. I've never even seen it and I know she was the star of Glee. I looked up television shows for 2015 so I could talk about at least one of them and at least try to put things in perspective, but I don't know any of them. Like none.

 Six years was a long time ago. Someone born six years ago would be entering first grade this fall. They've been potty trained and can read a little and maybe ride a bicycle. Well there's your Glee news, which for some reason people in Europe still talk about but I have no idea why. Maybe it takes that long for trends to make it across the ocean. Kind of like how long it takes radio waves to go from Earth to a different planet through space. Sorry I won't get into all that right now, since I'm sure your head already hurts and your lips are probably tired from reading all of these words.

Hi Santa!

I found out today that apparently Santa Claus reads this blog.

Gwyneth Paltrow is an Outlaw

Gwyneth Paltrow went for a walk in the woods by herself while wearing a neck gaiter, which is actually worse than wearing no mask at all. But someone is handing out merit badges to people for being caring humans, so everyone wants everyone else to know they're doing SOMEthing, even if they're out in the forest by themselves with nobody within 50 yards of them, and no matter how much harm it causes or how detrimental overall it may actually be. Keep up the good work Gwyn.

Izabel Goulart Travels Through Time

Brazilian model Izabel Goulart took a picture of herself and posted it on Instagram. They weren't clear when she took the picture, but I'd guess 1987. Which is weird because she's 35. She was in Mykonos, which for all intents and purposes is on the same continent as the U.K., If not physically, then at least from a travel sense. Greece is such a popular vacation destination for people in the U.K., it's even mentioned in Shaun of the Dead. So stop letting these people give you the idea that they're doing something special.

Zoe Saldana is Fashionable, Somebody

Zoe Saldana wore a dress. And running shoes. That's not Zoe Saldana is it? I thought she was older. Wasn't she in the movie "Death Proof"? And that was like 15 years ago. If she wasn't, then I have no idea who I'm thinking of.  I didn't click the IMDB link to check even though I should have. You could always do it I supopose.  I was going too but then I remembered I have many, many other far more important things to do. I'm a man of action, kind of like Zoe in her running shoes I guess.

Madison Beer is Trendy

Madisin Beer is what happens if you feed a Bratz Doll after midnight. Where's your mask, dimwit.

Salma Hayek Has Coffee

Salma Hayek - 53 year old Salma Hayek - keeps posting bikini pictures on her Instagram.  Don't worry, I'll keep you guys updated when I see them.

Kelly Osbourne is Skinny. Again.

Kelly Osbourne lost eighty five pounds. Probably because she's wearing that mask all the time. Even outside. Which as it turns out is a good thing, because now she won't stop every time she sees one of those hot dog carts that have an umbrella on them.

Billie Eilish Mumblemumblemumble

Billie Eillish talked about voting, her dead eyes fixed on the empty space in front of her. Well...at least she thinks she was talking about voting, but if you ask me, judging by the look on her face, I'm not sure she even knows what day of the week it is. There won't be any links in this story because, Number 1. I don't care, and 2. I forgot where I stole this picture from. I probably got it at InternetMorons dot com but that was 20 minutes ago and I can't be expected to remember all of my business dealings.

Eva Longoria Sails the Seven Seas

Eva Longoria was on a boat, because these idiots love boats. She looks great doesn't she? The original story just described what she was wearing and I won't be doing that because there's the picture. So take a good look. They even described the name of the bathing suit, in what I assumed was little more than a very poorly disguised advertisement.  I was going to say that's probably not her boat but she has a net worth of $80 million dollars, which I'll be honest, I was kind of shocked by,  so yes it could easily be her boat. Even with $80 million dollars it's hard to imagine why someone would waste money on a boat but I'm not her financial adviser so do whatever you want Eva. You could hire Elon Musk and he can jettison $600,000 of your money into space for all I care.

Rita Ora Topless

Here's Rita Ora and she's what they're calling topless. I don't know man, I had this whole thing pre-written in my head and it was great, and extra hilarious, but I have less than zero interest in this woman or anything she does. Whatever that is.

Chris Cuomo Has a Basement

Doctor Chris Cuomo PhD., appeared in his daughter's TikTok video because all people do nowadays is stand around in their basements, and bedrooms by themselves and make TikTok videos. Here's an idea, go take a walk. Outside. Morons. By the way, the reason this made the news is because women were noticing how "ripped" he looked.  Handsome, in shape, rich, and super dumb. Everything a woman wants in a man. You people really have to do better.

Ryan Reynolds is a Rummy

That's what the headline says. "Ryan Reynolds sells blah blah blah"... That didn't happen.  First of all, it's not his "drinks brand", whatever the fuck that is. What do you think, Ryan Reynolds is standing around in a distillery all day, brewing liquor? He's not. No offense, but this dummy probably couldn't brew a cup of coffee if he was standing in the middle of the Mr. Coffee factory. But you'd think that he was if you only read the headline. Yes it was sold, but he doesn't get that money, that's not how these deals go. Deals like this are always very complex.

 Let's start with the fact that he doesn't own Aviation Gin. Davos Brands does. And they don't even produce it. My limited search for it's maker didn't turn up anything, but I bet if I spent 10 minutes looking I'd find out. Just like you would. That's what Google and Bing are for you know, they aren't just for finding out what Donald Trump is doing with the post office.  Oh wait look it didn't take 10 minutes, it took 20 seconds.  Ryan Reynolds may be rich, but he didn't buy House Spirits Distillery. He's not that rich. Sorry that's not how any of this works. He may not have even gotten any of the money. Oh sure he may have gotten something, but not $610 million dollars. What do you think, if Brad Pitt stars in commercials for AT&T and then AT&T gets sold for $100 billion dollars, Brad Pitt gets $100 billion dollars? No one is that stupid.

Aren't you the slightest bit curious? Don't you see a story - even the most vapid empty story like this -  and say to yourself, "Gee is that what happens?" and then start typing stuff into Google? You should be doing something other than arguing about whether or not taxing cookies or soda or whatever is a good idea with strangers online. It's 100% unimportant, and it takes two minutes to learn something about this asinine story, and 20 seconds to forget. But you know, maybe something really important will come up, and the fact that you've been exercising your curiosity will help.  Do yourself a favor and start using your head for something other than a place to keep your hat.

Khloe Kardashian is Insane

That's Khloe Kardashian pictured on the left. On the right is what Khloe Kardashian wants you to think she looks like, because that's the picture she posted of "herself" on Instagram. By the way the left side picture was taken hours before the right side picture was posted. It's literally not the same person. How delusional do you have to be to look at yourself in the mirror and see the person on the right. It's insanity. And what I mean by that is, she's crazy. That's an insane person. I admit I saw that (right-side) picture a week or two ago, or  whenever it was, and I thought "WOW! Khloe looks great!" Those were my exact words. But it turns out, it was a CGI creation because they really didn't even need to take pictures of the actual Khloe Kardashian to arrive at what was posted.  If she ever goes missing someday they better not use the picture on the right for the posters or everyone will be constantly be bringing Megan Fox to the police station to collect any reward.

Happy Birthday Halle Berry

It was Halle Berry's birthday on Saturday.  Good lord. I was wondering why they cropped her head out of the right-hand picture but it turns out that's a screen grab from a video she posted on her Instagram that you probably want to see. Trust me. Even if you're a girl you should watch it. I'm watching it right now. I'll watch it while I'm driving to work. I'm sorry I missed your birthday Halle give me a call. The usual number.

Elizabeth Hurley is Outside

It's Saturday and I had some stuff to do but it's super hot outside so I'm really sort of avoiding all that and then Elizabeth Hurley showed up dressed like this so this is how these posts get made. Welcome to Wonderland.

Minnie Driver Don't Surf

Minnie Driver was surfing and someone took her picture. That's it. The story I stole this from called her "leggy" and I mean, yeah I guess she is...I don't know. She has nice legs and she's shaped like a girl and she's attractive, so it's all part of how that whole thing works. Is this why you want to be famous? I mean besides the money and mansions, do you want some asshole stranger taking your picture while you're at the beach? Is it really worth the trade off?  I do not understand what would drive someone to want to spend their life like this. I don't even know if Minnie Driver is really all that famous anymore and they're still hassling her.  I know who she is but does that count? I don't even know why I know who she is, so probably not. Once again I'll quote Bill Murray, "If you want to be rich and famous, try being rich first".

Henry Golding is Some Guy

Henry Golding is some guy from England I think, and he caught my eye as I was scrolling through the pointless pictures they included in some ridiculous story somewhere and I thought, "How mean. That guy shot his mom's couch and he's wearing it all over the place". You don't have to hunt for sport anymore, it's so cruel. Just go to Michael's and buy the material you need. I have to tell you, my idea of getting dressed up is pitting on a shirt with less visible stains but this looks awful. You couldn't even wear this ironically in Wicker Park.

Heather Graham Likes Rocks

You'd think I'd remember who Heather Graham is but nope. The name is familiar and I feel like I should but alas, no. Maybe I'll have to study this picture for a while and see if I can think of anything

Drake Bell and Melissa Lingafelt are People

Drake Bell said he was never abusive toward Melissa Lingafelt during their relationship. And maybe if anyone knew who either of these two people were they'd give a shit.

Scott Pilgrim vs The Biological Clock

Someone is celebrating the 10th Anniversary of "Scott Pilgrim vs The World". Probably so all 61,000 people that originally saw it could be nostalgic for the year 2010.

Kaley Cuoco is a Hard Worker

Kaley Cuoco was grinding a steel fence to prepare it for the final welds. When those sparks start flying it can be dangerous, so it's nice to see her be so conscientious about her safety. I'm kidding of course she was out walking her dog by herself on an empty street, while in her full Covid regalia because she obviously has a screw loose somewhere. Good job. Loon.

Here's Nicole Scherzinger on a Beach Again

Nicole Scherzinger was on vacation. Again. Does this woman ever actually work? Her whole life is like one of those philosophical questions. If every day is a vacation, are you ever really on vacation? She went to St. Lucia this time, maybe to hang out with all of those Wheel of Fortune winners or whoever else goes there. Weird old swingers?  Maybe she could bring Halsey next time and get that woman out of her backyard for a couple of days. But this time she brought her boyfriend that doesn't look at all like a moron, and I bet he's a nuclear physicist of some kind. Maybe they were there researching volcanoes or something. Keep up the good work, doctors of science and luxury. You're doing The Lord's work.

Kylie Minogue is on Red Alert

I saved this picture of Kylie Minogue but now I don't remember why. So her you go, maybe make up your own story and you can laugh, and laugh... Let me know how it goes.

Halsey is Exciting

Halsey was in a bikini. There you go, that's what this was about. But I've actually heard it, and her music is still unbelievably awful. But she's hot, has tattoos, and lots of bikinis so what am I supposed to do? Just pretend like none of this ever happens? You know what the one thing is that I never see in these pictures? A boyfriend/girlfriend/friends. Never. Not once. You're young, beautiful, wealthy... Jesus Christ go out and meet some people. Hang out somewhere and have a good time. Ten years from now, no one is going to remember your name, and you'll be sitting in the basement on piles of money (if you're lucky and your hangers-on don't drain you of it first) all by yourself. You don't have to hang out in sleazy bars or noisy nightclubs or anything but for the love of God, go buy a cheap bicycle and go for a ride and pet some dogs you meet, or maybe restore old furniture or something, instead of hanging around in your backyard all alone taking pictures of yourself. The internet and Instagram will still be here when you get back.  Fuck.

Dua Lipa Likes Puppies

Dua Lipa rescued a puppy while she was dressed like a girl from a Sleep Number Mattress commercial getting into bed. I'm not sure why she did that, probably for attention since her music is awful. That's not fair, to my knowledge I've never heard her music I'm just making assumptions. Which are usually 100% accurate by the way, but don't pay attention to me, it's your life you can buy all the terrible music you like what do I care, don't let me stop you.

Jennifer Lopez is Criminal

Jennifer Lopez mugged a 16 year old of her clothes and crystal covered water bottle then wandered the streets of New York looking for more victims. Probably.

Armold Schwarzenegger is Pure

Arnold Schwarzenegger went for a bike ride with his daughter. He's 73 years old? When did that happen? And normally I cut celebrity children out of these pictures but she's 29 years old and not 13 like I originally thought. Maybe it's all that Austrian blood that makes them both look so young. Arnold would have been born in 1947. In Austria. Right after WWII. I'm not hinting at anything about his genetics, but maybe I am (I am). You know what was going on over there during that time? I think the evidence speaks for itself doesn't it freund.

Rita Ora the Conquerer

Rita Ora took her jet ski to Ibiza. I still don't know what she does, but she's in a bikini and that's good enough for me in case I don't get back to this until Monday.  They called Ibiza "the exotic destination". And again I'd like to remind you that it's possible to drive your car from England to Ibiza in less than 24 hours. If you don't feel like driving you can fly there for about $37. Round trip. So $18 each way. Even I have $37. I'm 100% sure it's a nice place but I can drive to the beach in Miami in 24 hours and they practically only speak Spanish there so it's pretty much the same thing. I guess the people in England still think they're conquering far away exotic lands like they did 200 years ago but no one is impressed anymore, not since you can now buy a ticket for anywhere in the world for less than $100 and be there virtually overnight, but sure... Ibiza. If you really want to go somewhere exotic try New Guinea. I heard they still have cannibals there.

Dolp Lundgren Bridges the Gap

Dolph Lundgren has a girlfriend named Somethingsomething Person or whatever. I happen to like Dolph Lundgren but dude, you're 62.  She's 24. I know what I've said 100 times about age gaps on this blog (they do not bother me at all) and I mean every word of it, but 24? C'mon man she doesn't even remember the 1990s. Maybe I'm just jealous because 24 year olds don't look at me much anymore and I'm not even 62 years old. On the other hand I don't have to talk to 24 year olds about Harry Potter and how Socialism will really work this time so I guess we both win.

High Fidelity Cancelled

High Fidelity got cancelled. Did you know there was a High Society? Well there was, but not anymore. I don't know who was in it or why and I don't care. I guess the 5000 people that watched this on Hulu or Netflix or whatever are in for a disappointment when they find out later today after they wake up from their drunken and medicated stupor. Of course they're watching television series developed for Hulu so I guess they're probably used to being disappointed.

 By the way Blogger is changing their whole thing for some reason so if the pictures are off center or the spelling and punctuation is extra bad you know why.

!!!SEXY UPDATE!!!  I just noticed I called it both "High Fidelity" and "High Society" I'm not sure which one is correct and at this point who gives a fuck.

Kristen Bell is a Mom

I don't know what happened to Kristen Bell, or when she became "America's Mom" but you people ruin fucking everything you know that? I'm not talking about her physical appearance, I mean everything. It's all masks,  minivans and play dates with her now.  Forgetting Sarah Marshall was 12 years ago, not the 1960s. But she's cute and funny so of course you hate her and want to drag her down to your level like some kind of Dark Side of the Force Stromtrooper or something. Well, congratulations, it worked.

Miley Blah Blah Does Blah Blah

I was going to write about how Miley Cyrus was going to make a come back but no one cares. Especially me.

Jane Krakowski is Safe

Jane Krakowski vacuumed her car. I'm not sure why this is news, or why she's wearing a mask while she does it. Hey, whatever floats your boat I guess, maybe it was super dusty. It is a convertible.  Did you know this was her? Well it is. So there's your Jane Krakowski news for the day. Check back later, maybe she'll cut her lawn or something.