Paris Hilton is Busted

 Paris Hilton dressed like a "Slutty FBI Agent" over the weekend. What's the matter, were all the "Sexy Forensic Account" outfits sold out? The most shocking thing about all of this is people still give a shit about Paris Hilton. This is the problem with you people. You're still living like it's 2003, but that's fine, I'll own the future and you can still buy Linkin Park albums while you're walking around in your N95 mask or whatever.

Madonna?

 They say this is Madonna but it looks more like a gargoyle fell off the Vatican or something, and with all the misinformation that's going around these days, I think that's more likely the case. Prove me wrong you can't.

More Like Zero McDermott

 Here's Zara McDermott. Don't know who she is? Just look on Instagram, she's in the section marked "Photoshopped  Blondes With Big Tits" Are you guys tired of this yet? When does this end? There must be a million of these women -- at least and I mean that literally -- all over the place and every one of them is probably awful beyond description. I don't know, maybe I'm just getting old, but how many of these cookie cutter NPCs do you need? Could you even pick her out if she was in a line up with the last 15 that are just like her?

What makes her any different then the last one? Or the next one? She eats food next to a pool? She has tits? She traveled to Greece and took her top off on the beach? She went shopping for expensive cars to try to fill the empty void where her soul should be?  She married a soccer player had a baby and then he left her? How many times do the powers that be think we need to read stories like this? I don't know how many you need, but I think I've had my fill. 

Zac Ephron has a Riddle

 

Zac Efron morphed into that guy in the swamp Perseus has to fight in Clash of the Titans but everyone is too afraid to say anything.

John Fetterman is Fucked Up

 I usually try to avoid talking politics because I'm going to wind up in a debate with some internet simpleton (you) that will go absolutely nowhere because you'll be to busy eating paste to answer anything I say, but this makes me laugh out loud. Don't worry it's queued up to the spot I want you to see. He sounds like Leslie Nielsen's character in a Naked Gun movie. Go ahead, it's okay to laugh, he's there voluntarily. I assume. 

!!!SEXY UPDATE!!! It's not queued up I guess it didn't work, and I just spent the last 2 minutes trying to fix it but I gave up. My Leslie Nielsen comparison still stands even if you watch the whole thing. It would be hilarious if I didn't feel bad for the guy

!!!SEXY UPDATE 2!!! I had a relative that had a stroke. He lived in a weid nether world where memories and fantasy and reality mingled. He'd ask me about a project car he and I worked on when I was 12 years old like it was still on going. And then he'd be totally normal, almost himself even. But I have news for you. This may be as good as this guy ever gets and from my experience it's probably likely he'll have another one. And that one might kill him. But I'm really not all that surprised you'd vote for a literal stroke victim.

Victoria Beckham is in Rails

 I know I rag on Victoria Beckham about her weight and more people should. Look at her through the years. She looks like a normal, pretty hot woman in those other pictures, and now she looks like a beach ball headed scarecrow. I would never make fun of someone for being naturally thin, some things you can't help. But you know she's doing that on purpose because she's part of that whole Anna Wintour/fashionista/heroin chic crowd. I'd probably say less about it but she seems really unlikeable for some reason. Like she'd probably kick over the maid if she got in her way as she was walking past her while she was scrubbing her floors. The maid I mean, not Victoria. I doubt Victoria Beckham has cleaned anything in 25 years.

 

Hot Pink Goes to the Pool

 I think Pink is hot, I always have and I won't make any apologies for it.

Rita Ora is Hot

 Rita Ora left her pilates class dressed like this even though it was 51 degrees in London yesterday (Saturday). And the Sun is lower in the sky this time of year plus it's always damp in England so it probably felt more like 41. I have absolutely no idea why I know her name, I don't even know what she does, but she's pretty hot, I'll say that for her. Unfortunately for us are there absolutely no other women in the world that are hot, so this is who we're stuck with. Sorry, I'm not in charge of this stuff.

Haley Bieber is Exciting

 I didn't want to write about Hailey Bieber but I did. So here she is. Looking like a mannequin. My guess would be she has about as much of a personality as a mannequin too, but you never know. Maybe she used to be a world champion motocross racer, or she has a black belt in Taekwondo, or wrestles monitor lizards and runs guns while living in a thatched hut on an island in the South Pacific. Anything is possible.

 

Gwyneth Paltrow is All Wet

 I haven't written about Gwyneth Paltrow in a while so here she is. She was at some event in California, I saw what it was about but I forgot. She went to this fancy shindig while wearing one of those mattress covers parents buy when their kid wets the bed. It probably cost $6000 too. Those shoes? With that outfit? C'mon Gwyn you disappoint me.

Billie Eilish Looks Happy. Retired.

 Billie Eilish looks different although I can't put my finger on how. See? You don't have to be a fat, depressive, mental patient for your whole life. Watch what you eat and go to the gym once in a while, and you'll feel better about yourself and you'll be happier. Of course none of this changes the fact that she's 20 years old, essentially a high school kid - like what- two years ago?  

She must be going on year three or four of being famous and you can see her career is already winding down, with the proof being how stories about her get spaced further and further apart, until eventually they stop getting written at all. Remember the other teen wunderkind Lorde? Yeah it's okay, no one does.

Jennifer Lawrence Isn't Retired

 I guess Jennifer Lawrence is done getting her politics from television sitcoms. You know how I know? By the way she's been dressing. You might think this is a cheap shot but this strikes me the same way as a cheating husband starts lavishing attention on his wife. It's covering up bad behavior. It's also possible she's dressed like this for a movie she's currently making but I don't think people actually see Jennifer Lawrence movies or maybe they do. I don't. I don't even care if she's wearing short dresses and strappy four inch heels and I'll usually do just about anything for a girl wearing that stuff. God I need to get out more.

Jaclyn Smith is Grand

I know I said I wouldn't mention anyone's age here anymore but Jaclyn Smith IS NEARLY 80 YEARS OLD. She's 76 to be exact. This is getting out of hand the way people look like this well into their "Golden Years".

In case you're wondering, the answer is yes. Unless her bones are super brittle or she has that weird old person pelvis. But we can work around that.

Naomi Watts is Not Over

 Naomi Watts said she was told her career would be over once she was in her 40s...

'My career didn't really start until my early thirties; that was when Mulholland Drive came out,' she said.  'At that time, I was also being told your career would be over around your forties.'

She's 54 now so the jokes on them. I guess. Frankly, her career could have ended 20 years ago for all I know, so maybe she's lying. They listed a bunch of movies she made when she was in her 40s (Fair Game (2010), Dream House (2011) and The Impossible (2012) but I've never heard of any of those and she was in her 40s and they're all at least 10 years old so maybe whoever told her that was right. 

I will however volunteer to help make her feel better if she needs it. She looks great in blue. Maybe I can watch her try out different types of blue eye shadow that would would be fun.

Riain Sugdan is Amazing (ly boring)

 

I've written about Rhian Sugdan before, you can find that ground breaking stuff right here.  So this post, and  that post, make up the total of two things that's interesting about Rhian Sugdan (her tits). I omitted the part about her doughy boyfriend/husband/partner because he seemed equally boring. My guess is they sit around and swill beer all night after a hard day at rock strewn European beaches. Seriously look at that beach.

I was in England in the summer time and it never got above 61 degrees. So cold at times, I wished I would have brought a jacket. But I left my jean jacket at home - where we have real beaches - because I didn't want them to feel bad with how uncool they are over there. And the beaches I saw were 100% rocks. It was like walking through a traffic control median in a McDonald's Parking lot. And the water is so cold they have signs posted saying if you go in the water, you could be dead in 15 minutes. If you want to know what most European beaches are like, just go to Home Depot and buy a bag of river rock and throw it on the floor of an industrial refrigerator. See? Isn't that nice? 

Kaia Gerber is Cindy Crawford

 Kaia Gerber is a model. She's also Cindy Crawford's daughter and she looks EXACTLY like Cindy Crawford. She looks so much like her that it's actually freaky.  I wouldn't normally write about celebrity children but she's 21 years old now, and also slowly becoming "famous" (sort of) in her own right, so if I want to write about her now I will because I'm a rule breaker. How do you like that? I'll stay away from the sexual stuff for a few years though - maybe - so don't worry.

There Can Be Only One (Olivia)

 I'm not really a fan of Olivia Wilde, but I'm not not a fan. I know she's famous but she's only ever been on the outskirts of my mind insofar as I don't really know why she's famous. I do know she's an actress and that she's attractive and has what I'd consider an "athletic" build, I guess, for lack of a better description. Plus there's at least two other famous Olivias and I tend to get them mixed up so I'm never really sure which one anyone is talking about. Olivia Wilde? Olivia Munn? Olivia Culpo?  If they all keep wearing see through clothes that would be just dandy with me. I don't even really care if they all look nearly identical. Cookie cutter if you will.  If anything that makes it even better for reasons I won't bother getting into right now (it has to do with sex).  

Victoria Beckham Vanishes

 The original story said Victoria Beckham was "dressed for the 70s" and I assume they mean the 1970s and not her weight. I know there's a saying "you can never be too rich or too thin" but she must be like sleeping next to a bag full of antlers. Your skeleton makes up about 15% of your body weight so if she weighs even 100 pounds (which I doubt very much) 15 pounds of that is the inner structure that gives her body the support it needs against Earth's gravity. I do like her outfit though. She always looks like she just ate something gross, hey maybe that's why she's so thin.

Vanessa Hudgens is the Only One

 Vanessa Hudgens is constantly walking around and sharing pictures like she's advertising her OnlyFans. If you think I'm against this type of behavior then you haven't been paying attention. My only problem with this kind of thing is how these people never really seem to do anything else. How is posting these types of pictures to Instagram or wherever a job? If you can make money doing this, believe me that's fine with me but it doesn't really produce anything else of value. And it's extremely boring. Like where's the mystery? Do you like gardening? Do you like fixing cars or knitting blankets for dogs? Do you play chess or maybe like opera? 

Nobody knows, because all these people do is post pictures of their tits.

There was a time when there was only a very, very small number of people that could get away with this kind of thing and it made it feel at least a little bit more exclusive. But now all you need is a camera, a set of tits, and some stretch pants and it's off to the races. If everyone is a sexy model, then no one is a sexy model.

I'm in a very weird place because I don't want women to stop doing this kind of thing and yet, I sort of do want them to stop. I guess I'm just complicated. Like Fonzie? Yes I'm just like Fonzie. Tough yet tender.

I Can Quit Dua Lipa

 I'm not writing about Dua Lipa anymore, I don't care how naked she is. If you're under... say the age of  25, you need to know she's very boring and incredibly average. I'm sure this comes as quite a shock to you. Do you know how many hot girls there are that can sing songs that are written by someone else? A lot. Like a real lot. It's most likely her willingness to (usually) walk around mostly naked, at least from what I've seen, that puts her over the top. Whatever that's cool. If that's what you're looking for then by all means, don't let me stop you, but know this, this schtick has been done a thousand times before. 

I've been seeing Dua Lipas, and Lizzos, and Beyonces going back several decades. The only thing that ever changes is the audience. Back in the 90s there was Jewel, that one woman with the glasses, plus at least a couple of others, I can't even remember their names anymore and they all got the same treatment then.

 I can't even remember the last batch of Grrrrl Power singers that were around as recently as the early-ish 2000s. Katy Perry? That "Call Me Maybe" woman? She now sings a nostalgia anthem in TV commercials. That song is just barely 10 years old and there was a time you couldn't go almost literally anywhere without hearing it. I saw that with my own eyes. And I've already long since forgotten her name. Maybe I'm being unfair, maybe I'm 100% wrong, all of that is possible, but at some point you have to move on. Be a trailblazer.

Heidi Klum is a Winner

Heidi Klum posted pictures of her and her daughter wearing lingerie and posted it on her Instagram and it'll probably be a whole lot better for me if I stop writing right now

Ringo Starr Dead.

 Okay Ringo Starr isn't dead he just has Covid. Again. He announced it on Twitter because of course he did.  And then he cancelled the rest of his tour. If you read the replies to his announcement, they make it sound like he's going over the top of a WWI trench so you can see where I got confused.  Evidentially getting a virus that has what is basically an overall survival rate of 99.998% is super scary to weird, germophobic, most likely elderly, hyper-liberal shut-ins that still listen to Ringo Starr music... 

By the way, I linked that CDC website because the original page I linked (The British Medical Journal) wouldn't function through Google/Blogger when you clicked on it. Isn't that weird? Just sayin'.

Anyway, here's what he said...

I’m sure you’ll be as surprised as I was I tested positive again for Covid the rest of the tour is off I send you peace and love Ringo.

 To be fair I guess he is 82 years old, and just falling asleep in an uncomfortable chair could possibly kill him, so maybe I'm being a little harsh. By the way, I've now officially heard more about Ringo Starr because he has Covid than for any musical reason, probably since I was in high school. He was in The Beatles you know.

Tulsi Gabbard is a Quitter

 Tulsi Gabbard is abandoning the Democratic Party. Kind of like everyone else. Here's the video if you care (if you want a real treat just read the replies).  I have to be honest, I only wrote this because I like her neck. I know, that's weird isn't it. Well it's true there will be no further questions THIS PRESS CONFERENCE IS OVER

Kristin Cavallari Has a Boob Lift

 

I haven't mentioned Kristin Cavallari in a couple of days so now seems like a good time. She got a "boob lift" or something and I guess she thought she'd show everyone. I don't know, looks good to me.

 

 

 

 

Emily Ratajkowski is Gay Now

 "Super Model" Emily Ratajkowski alluded to the fact that she's bisexual now because she has a green velvet couch. I'm not really sure what one thing has to do with the other but I guess this is a rule now. So if you want to be gay, just buy a green couch. 

It seems to be a little late in this fad to be telling everyone you're gay especially now that you're most likely dating Brad Pitt  and were married as recently as last month which would seem to be the exact opposite of gay but whatever. If you think Emily Ratatouille is suddenly gay, or even bisexual, you're a gullible asshole that shouldn't be reading this blog. Do we all hope she's bisexual? Yes of course. But I'll need to see some video proof before I admit to being wrong.

Yazmin Oukhellou and Ekin-Su Cülcüloğlu Get Their Pictures Taken

I was going to write about Yazmin Oukhellou and Ekin-Su Cülcüloğlu or whatever the fuck their names are - I had to copy and paste them here because I'm not typing out that alphabet soup - but I forgot which one was which and I can guarantee it makes zero difference. I'm not even sure they aren't the same person.  I just separate them by imagining that Ekin-Su Cülcüloğlu probably sounds like Dracula when she talks. Whichever one she is.

Halsy is Still Famous (?)

 Halsey dressed like a stripper to go to a party Beyonce was throwing for some fashion show or something. I thought it was a Halloween party but I guess it wasn't. Can you imagine how awful that party would have been. Do these people even bother to perform live anymore or do they just walk around in their underwear and go to parties? I haven't thought about Halsey in at least a year then all the sudden she steps out of a Frederick's of Hollywood catalog to go to an orgy.

And I don't want to change gears too quickly here but I love October and in a few days every hot Hollywood idiot with mental issues is going to be dressed like a slutty nurse or whatever and they'll be walking around in public like that. Kind of like my own personal Christmas I guess.

Donna D'Errico Helps Humanity

 Listen I'm sorry I don't have a lot of time today, but I did want to mention Donna D'Errico. This is usually all the context these pictures include in the stories I steal them from so don't blame me.  I know I said  I wouldn't mention people's ages here anymore, so I won't, but suffice it to say you probably wouldn't believe me anyway. Also I just discovered how to make these pictures I post bigger so be ready for that too. 

 

 

Kate Knows the Skinny

 This was an official portrait of Kate Middleton and some other people, and they talked about somebody named Harry and Megan were absent or something I have no idea. King Charles must be five feet tall. I know you can't see him because I didn't want those other bozos messing up this story so I just got rid of them so you'll have to take my word for it. Kate looks really thin but it's probably just the black clothes. Okay I really need to get a handle on this thing with her, this can't be healthy.