Dianne Feinstein Finally Leaves Senate

 Dianne Feinstein died at age 90. But not before Senate Democrats chopped off her right hand so she could keep voting.

Katie Perry Sells Out

 Katie Perry sells shoes now I guess. Which is a good thing since no one's bought her music since 2012. There must be an Industry/Hollywood term for someone that was famous and then continues to be famous but for selling clothes make up and shoes to 20 year olds with fake IDs and a big night out coming up. 

Last I heard Katie Perry was a judge on a talent show? Something like that. It's super weird, just yesterday I heard her song "I Kissed a Girl" on the radio - it was on one of those "She Rocks" stations where they play a lot of Melissa Etheridge and songs about how "I'm going to be a bitch now"... you know, stuff like that. Anyway it dawned on me that, that song was from 2008. So some woman that was listening to that song while getting a tramp stamp tattoo at Chi-Town Tattoo is just another 40 year old mother of two in a minivan. That's life

So go buy your Rhianna make up, your Katie Perry shoes, and some Jessica Simpson jeans and get out there and show the world what you're really made of.

John Hamms it Up

 John Hamm (left) and his wife Anna Something, put on their best monkey suits and went to the opening night of "Dead Man Walking" which, judging by the picture was at the Metropolitan Opera or, The Met, for those of us with class. I don't know if Dead Man Walking is a movie or what, because I don't care. And considering this is the first time I'm hearing about any of this, I assume nobody else cares either.  I don't even know if he's in it. 

John Hamm seems like a decent enough guy I guess, meaning he doesn't seem like a jerk, but I don't understand why I'm suddenly seeing him everywhere.  I see him being interviewed, and in TV commercials... As far as I know he was in one TV series that went off the air like 10 years ago. To give you some idea of how long ago 10 years is, that was 2013. Do you remember anything you did in 2013? No, I guarantee you don't. So why do we have to remember this guy. 

I don't understand why these people don't just take their money and quietly collect stamps or go fishing and hang around while whittling sticks in the bait shop for the rest of their lives or something. Why do you want to be 52 years old and have to be walking around in a tuxedo on a Tuesday night? I didn't want to do that when I was 32 but I guess everyine has their "thing"

Britney's Got Moves

 I didn't want to write about Britney Spears again but she did this and posted it on Instagram a couple of days ago and kind of forced me into it. Plus I've been looking for something simple to write about and Britney Spears in high heels grinding against a pole is pretty easy to write about. Hopefully everything work-wise will go back to normal for me after today and I can look for better stuff to write about.

Luciana Barroso Likes Pizza

 I'll have very little access to my PC for the next couple of days so I'll try to write as much as I can but I can't make any promises. I say that like anyone actually reads this garbage but you never know, maybe some mentally ill shut in will stumble onto this site while they're arguing about climate change or trans people or whatever you life-less derelicts do with your spare time.

In the meantime here's Matt Damon's wife Luciano Barroso on a beach. I didn't even know he was married, and not only that, she's over 40 so good going dude. I hate praising that sub-moron but credit where it's due. 

I know nothing about her, but judging by her name and where she's from - Luciana Barroso/New York - I'm going to guess she likes prosciutto, knows at least two guys that are in "the mafia" and thinks loafers and track suits mean you're dressed up. I'd say that probably means she's laid back, and easy to please but knowing what I know about Italian girls, I'm going to say that's extremely unlikely too because you just know she's a hitter and a thrower. Like when she gets mad. Wait baby put down the beer mug all I did was say hi to her calm down.

Lauren Boebert is Hot

 Face it. Lauren Boebert is the chick dudes want. You may not like it but there it is. She's physically attractive, yet for most of the day she looks kind of like a boring average nerd. She's like one of those "Ugly Ducklings" in a teen 80s movie that takes off her librarian glasses, feathers her hair and !!!wham bam!!! suddenly out of the blue she becomes homecoming queen or she's a heavy metal dominatrix wearing high heels that will have sex with you in a crowded theater while everyone is watching. 

THAT'S why all these women hate her. They look at her and instantly know "she's a whore". Those are their words, not mine. They'll all tell you that. Any guy that's ever known a woman between the ages of 16 and 60 knows exactly what I'm talking about.

Oh sure they'll tell you it's her politics but... guys know. 

Think about Wonder Woman. Underneath the giant 70's glasses and the frilly granny blouse she's still Lynda Carter. One second, she's in a buttoned to the chin, military uniform (which is hot enough already) and the next she's a 5'10 inch Amazon Warrior in knee high boots.  I'm not comparing Lauren Boebert to Lynda Carter okay, it's just an example I'm using to explain it to the ladies because I don't have to explain it to the men, they already understand. All of this of course is politics aside, I know she's pretty controversial for that even though I don't really know what her politics are, I'm coming at this from a pretty specific, strictly scientific theory.

Paris Jackson has her Guard Up

 Paris Jackson took her blank stare and her dog to The Elizabeth Taylor Ball to End AIDS at The Beverly Hills Hotel on Thursday. Must be nice to just be able to go to parties on a Thursday because you feel like it and also because you don't have to be up at 5 am to go to work the next day. I sure hope they cured AIDS while they were there. 

She's hot though right? See, I can say that now because she's 25. She's probably crazier than a shit house rat because you know what they say about apples falling from trees and if Michael Jackson was your father you're not getting away Scot-free. 

I have to admit though, seeing her with that Doberman makes me imagine her walking around dressed like an East German border guard and... you know, I think I'll stop that little fairy tale right there.

Elizabeth Hurley Isn't Weird

 I haven't written about Elizabeth Hurley in a while. All she does is post pictures of herself in a bikini and also walking around in various hotel lobbies while she's on vacation. So while I think she's pretty much physically perfect, and she seems smart and funny, and I want to do disgusting things to her, I have to admit in general, she's kind of dull celebrity news-wise. Seriously, you're on a beach? Again? Who cares. And then this "story" popped up. 

She was wearing that dress, which was the focus of the source story and which I also love (the dress not the original story) and they mentioned how she was out with her son. People think it's always weird that she's constantly hanging out with her kid, and for the longest time I did too, and then today, suddenly it dawned on me. This isn't some weird, unhealthy relationship, the kid is 20 years old. And she's his mom. She's a human mom. Rich, famous, and beautiful but she's still that kid's mother. These celebrities aren't really any different from you or me. Oh sure they have weird jobs and massive personality flaws, but they're just people.

And he's 20 years old. His central nervous system is still growing. As recently as 2008 he still believed in Santa Claus. But he is an adult now, he's 20 not 13. Of course it's still a little weird that he wants to hang out with his mother. When I was 20 years old I didn't even remember that I had a mom. And so if you're a human female, and you find little Damian attractive, there are two things you might want to keep in mind. His name is Damian and he has what seems like a weird need to be close to his mother at all times. I'm not accusing anyone of anything but if you go into a relationship with him knowing even just those two things that's all on you.

Britney Flings

Remember when I said I would write about Britney Spears' wearing a pink dress? This was connected to some story about her having a "fling" with her gardener, which lead to her divorce but that sounds like the plot of a porno, and not real life.  I have to say none of that is important because all I saw was her in that dress, and holy shit. Ff she'll have an affair with that guy - I mean c'mon - maybe she really does need to go back to being in that conservatorship.

 

 

Cindy Crawford is Confused

 Cindy Crawford is complaining that Oprah Winfrey treated her like "chattel" and "forced her to show off her body? Am I missing something? Cindy's only job for nearly half a century has been nothing but showing off her body.  

'I was like the chattel or a child, be seen and not heard. 

'When you look at it through today's eyes, Oprah's like, 'Stand up and show me your body. Show us why you're worthy of being here.''

Uuuuuhhh... yeah. That's your job? Does she know she's a model? Did this happen by accident without her approval?  I feel like part of this story has been left out but I can't figure out what. I just don't know what I'm missing. 

Sometimes I feel like these people have conversations where they just parrot the ideas they see, and hear on the internet without really knowing what it all means. Cindy Crawford has earned nearly a half a billion dollars since the 1980s by being treated like chattel. If you're not happy give it all back. Or better still, give it to me. Would it help if I took my short off? Because I'll do it.

Shania Twain Looks Different

They said Shania Twain showed of her "incredible figure" while performing in Europe while dressed like Miley Cyrus. She used to have a face that was so beautiful it was hard to look at, so I don't know what happened. I'm sorry, that is not Shania Twain. That doesn't look anything like Shania Twain I think they're pulling our leg. I realize she's 58 now but what happened? Did she morph into a different person? And I'm not sure where she was performing in Europe, but based on her clothes, I'd guess Romania

Molly Sims Dry Your Eyes

 Molly Sims was crying while on vacation (left) while wearing a bikini (right. although pic unrelated) I swear to God that's how the reporter described it. 

There's only two reasons women cry while on vacation. 

1. She's drunk
2. She's getting divorced

Honestly she was probably drunk. I've written like half a dozen stories about her and she's holding a drink in every single one of them. Either way Molly needs to give me a call, I can fix almost anything. You really should divorce that guy he's mean. And here's an idea. we can have a few drinks while we work out a plan. Maybe dinner too? You'll have to pay though because I lost my wallet.

Vaya Con Dios Britney Spears

 Britney Spears put on a horrible dress and made more Instagram videos. Why in the world does an (former) international, A-List pop megastar even own a dress like that. Did you save it after your quinceañera? But I do have another story saved, with a picture of her in a pink dress that I really, really like so maybe I'll write that one later, just to sort of even things out.

Zayhana Bryant is Huge

 Zayhana Bryant is the new face of Dove soap. I assume she's eating it I have no idea. There's a whole racial thing going on here and I'm not wading into that but I'll link the story here in case you want to read it although I don't know why you'd do that. 

From what I gather people are now boycotting Dove - or I assume Dove's parent company Unilever - but I don't know for sure. Most people are to stupid to realize that there is no "Dove" company. You think a small mom and pop manufacturing organization could afford to feed that thing every day? What would they do, go into a tavern and steal all the pretzels off the bar to feed her? At some point she's going to need real food, you don't want a hungry hippopotamus running around your house those things are dangerous and kill more people every year than all other animals combined

Margot Robbie Wears Giant Shorts

 I know I'm supposed to be attracted to Margot Robbie but I'm just not. I know it's very weird, maybe I'm broken or something. I felt the same way about Pamela Anderson when she was at the peak of her fame and hottness. Okay, maybe this picture is a bad example, because that woman is hot. Maybe it's because of the whole mask thing? Maybe it's because she's Australian? Maybe it's an overall presence thing I don't know. What am I that gorilla lady in Africa? 

Amy Schumer Gets Blown

 Amy Schumer made fun of the way Nicole Kidman (left) looked at the US Open which is hilarious considering Amy Schumer looks like somebody stopped inflating a helium balloon before they were finished. Fans of Amy Schumer gave her a hard time about it which shocked me since I'm surprised Amy Schumer fans can read through all that sobbing and Costco brand wine. I guess you learn something new every day.

Gisele Bundchen is 80

 Gisele Bundchen showed up at the Frame Dinner Party for Fashion Week - which already seems like it's been going on for a month - dressed like she was from the 90s? That's what they said. That looks more 80's to me. If you really want to push it, you could say it was circa 1991, like something someone would wear on "A Different World",  or maybe as late as 1993 but the whole Grunge era was already in full swing by 1993, and that style of dress from the late 80s/early 90s was already mostly a distant memory. How can people that write about fashion not know this? Are you all 17 years old?  Grow up. And by the way, those clogs? They are really awful.  Unless your an ex-con and a chef in some local steakhouse, lose them.

 

Olivia Culpo is Bangin

 Olivia Culpo went to an event at New York's Fashion Week on Saturday dressed like an evil CEO from an 80's movie. No mention was made of what the show was, so I just assume it was for the new Wicked Stepmother line from Gucci. They said she's 31 but I also tell people I'm a black belt in Kung Fu. See how easy it is to lie? We can all see you Olivia, you're aware of that right?  And why, why, why for the love of God do you women do that with their eyebrows. Unless you're trying to be a Mamacita in the Latin Kings, you should leave them alone it looks ridiculous.

Caylee Cowan Cools Off

Casey Affleck (no pictures known to exist) went to the beach with his 25 year old girlfriend Caylee Cowan. I don't know why, probably to build sandcastles and look for pretty shells. Did they bring her swimmies?

I have to be honest, I'm getting tired of writing about these these middle-aged millionaires 20 something girlfriends with nice tits that look good in bikinis. And who is Casey Affleck. I forgot that guy was even a person on Earth until his girlfriend put on a black bikini and went into the ocean ostensibly for a swim, while wearing earrings and full makeup. How about this. You guys read this, and I'll look for a new hobby.

Megan Fox Sees Red

Megan Fox walked out of a restaurant wearing polka dots and a red wig and walked straight into my heart. She was with Machine Gun Kelly who's name made me literally laugh out loud as I typed it. What a ridiculous idiot. They say the real Machine Gun Kelly could write his name on a wall with a Thompson Submachine Gun, whether or not that's true is in dispute but one thing that isn't disputed is he spent the rest of his life in prison for kidnapping.

 And I'm seeing the fake Machine Gun Kelly (real name COLSON. For real, COLSON) with his arm draped very possessively and dare I say, threateningly around Megan which is something that may interest the FBI who might want to look into this "relationship".  I'm not saying anyone would be coerced into dating Colson Baker but I'm not, not saying that.

 

 

Bruce Springsteen Cancelled

 Bruce Springsteen is canceling the rest of his shows because someone made him listen to his fans blather on about his shitty music. I'm kidding of course he has an ulcer

“Over here on E Street, we’re heartbroken to have to postpone these shows,” Springsteen said in a statement. “First, apologies to our fabulous Philly fans who we missed a few weeks ago. We’ll be back to pick these shows up and then some. Thank you for your understanding and support. We’ve been having a blast at our US shows and we’re looking forward to more great times. We’ll be back soon. Love and God bless all, Bruce.”

Sorry, it's not shitty music to a lot of people I'm just super sick so I'm in a really, really bad mood. In fact Badlands is one of my top 20 favorite songs. 

 But yeah other than that I can't listen to his fake blue collar bullshit or whatever his reputation says he is. The guy is worth more than a half a billion dollars, if he ever was blue collar he doesn't remember what that's like. There was probably some mention of when the tour would resume but like I said, I'm sick and I'm only writing this because I'M a blue collar hero.

 

Lizzo Gets Snagged

 If you're as fat as Lizzo, I don't know why you'd show up anywhere while wearing a net of any kind. It would seem like you're just opening yourself up to all kinds of low hanging fruit type jokes made by 14 year old internet shit heads, and dumbass bloggers looking for content on the last major U.S. Summer holiday about being a whale. Or maybe a rhinoceros being trapped for a Chinese zoo or NO! A Japanese submarine trying to sneak into Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941 or something. I won't say any of those things but it would be super easy.

Amanda Holden vs Andrew Tate

 Amanda Holden put on a bikini and aviator sunglasses (two of my favorite things on girls) and said some stuff about Andrew Tate. I'm going to quote what Andrew Tate said from the story, just so at least you know what's going on...

Replying to Amanda's tweet featuring her snap, (ED: her in a bikini.) Tate, 36, who is currently under house arrest in Bucharest over sex trafficking charges wrote: 'You are a wife and a mother and you're far past a teenager. There is no need for this post.'

 She then went on to say she didn't respond to him for various reasons, which, I'll be honest I didn't read, but what does it matter. Why do you care about this ridiculous minutiae. I have to be totally honest with you. I've obviously heard the name "Andrew Tate" but I have no idea who he is, or what he does, or why anyone asks him anything. I even kind of know what he looks like. All of which I've learned by accident but that's as far as it ever went. 

So far what I learned about him today is, he doesn't like hot girls in bikinis. Which seems a little weird but hey we all have to find our own path in this world.