Jessie James Decker has Haters (Not Really)

Jessie James Decker says people are shaming her for her body which absolutely isn't happening. Oh sure there may be the odd wine mom that's already drunk at 11am that looks like they fell down a flight of stairs because they hate their kids and their husband who hasn't touched them in four years, but it's the internet. You're going to get those types of people on every post no matter what. She's just making that up so she has an excuse to post a picture of herself in a bikini on Instagram, as if she's somehow "fighting back". But in this case, we're all winners here. 

This isn't my first day on the internet you know, I know what all these types of posts mean. You're not the first person to think of this Jessie. Listen, I'll pick up some Chinese food and a nice bottle of Scotch and we'll take some real pictures. That'll really hit your haters where it hurts.

Olivia Dunne Returns!

Olivia Dunne is in the new Sports Illustrated, which, I'm as surprised as anyone to find out there's still a Sports Illustrated. She's there because she's an NCAA star of some kind but the original story didn't say what kind exactly. In these cases it's usually swimming or even pole vaulting for some reason. Honestly I don't know what the NCAA is. I know it has something to do with college sports but beyond that I have no idea. 

They called this bikini "raunchy" but I don't know what makes one bikini raunchy and one not raunchy. Frankly bikinis all look pretty much the same, I guess it's who is wearing it that denotes it's level of raunch. 

They went on to say how she's making some kind of return but she's 20 years old, what is she returning from, prom? She can't even legally buy beer so maybe find someone that wasn't literally a child three years ago to have sexual fantasies about you pervert

Irina Shayk Visits the 80s

 Irina Shayk stepped out of a Nagel print from 1983 and went to The Prince's Trust Concert or whatever that is. And you're in luck. I scanned the source material just enough to stumble on this description... 

"The Prince's Trust was founded in the UK in 1976 with the vision that every young person should have the chance to succeed, by being given the appropriate tools"

All the standard vagueness is there, just as I expected. "The children!". "Succeed!"  "Appropriate tools!"

So a bunch of rich people and even normal people donate a bunch of money to something and then have no real idea where it went or what it's paying for. Yep. Sounds like a pretty standard charity to me.

Anyway, Irina listen. You're nearly 40 now. In five years nobody will even remeber your name, it's time to live a little. You're wealthy and single what do you want to hang out with all these dorks for. Irina, next time just ask. I'd love to talk you out of going here and then change our plans and go shoot pool or maybe even bowling. Take my word for it, it'll be A LOT more fun. And no one will be taking pictures. Unless that's your thing, if you get what I'm saying (that's a sex joke but seriously let me know).

MoneySign Suede Cashes Out

 Yawn. Another rapper is dead. This time it's someone named "MoneySign Suede" which, for a name you have to admit would be pretty hilarious if I wasn't so sure he was serious about it. He didn't trip over his pants and hit his head like I thought but instead, he was stabbed in the neck in a prison shower. What a shame. I'm sure the whole world will miss out on this marvelous (ex) new talent. 

If you want to see an abbreviated list of all the rappers I've written about that have been killed, just click here. But I wouldn't blame you if you didn't I mean, let's be honest.

Joy Corrigan has Gas

 

This is how model Joy Corrigan wants us to think she puts gas in her car. I've been a licensed driver since I was 19 years old (don't ask). I've lived in the third largest city in the country for almost my entire life. My dad was a mechanic, and he let me help him put gas in our car when I was like eight years old. I have been to gas stations probably hundreds of times and never once - not one time -  have I ever seen anyone put gas in their car like this.

So when you guys read a story I wrote complaining that I have nothing to write about because I'm sick of looking at these simpletons, maybe have a little sympathy, okay?

 

Paige Spirinac is an Influenza

 There was a story about "golf influencer" (???) Paige Spirinac and I pretended I give a shit for as long as I could, but I only read until I saw the words "golf influencer" like that's an actual thing. I believe that's a real thing like I believe the people that keep saying she's 30 years old like we all don't have eyes.

If I've said it once I've said it a thousand times. As long as you're over 30 no one cares. Seriously. You shouldn't start off our relationship with a lie Paige. It only goes downhill from there

Bridget Fonda is Normal

 Bridget Fonda is still breaking my heart. But so what? I only have a problem with actors and actresses that let themselves go to Hell while they're still actively famous and in movies or otherwise performing. Looking good is basically their only job. The only thing required of them is to look good, so when they put on an extra 40 or 80 pounds, they're slapping you in the face. "Unlike you, I'm so desired I can sit around and eat Pringles and drink beer all day" is essentially what they're saying.

But Bridget Fonda isn't famous anymore. There are 25 year olds alive today that have no idea who she is. She isn't starring in movies or television shows, she's retired and wants no part of any of that anymore.  Now she's just someone's 59 year old mom. Leave her alone. 

Trust me, when the time comes, I'm going to buy a train set and some overalls and basically look like Santa Claus.