Jessie James Decker has Haters (Not Really)

Jessie James Decker says people are shaming her for her body which absolutely isn't happening. Oh sure there may be the odd wine mom that's already drunk at 11am that looks like they fell down a flight of stairs because they hate their kids and their husband who hasn't touched them in four years, but it's the internet. You're going to get those types of people on every post no matter what. She's just making that up so she has an excuse to post a picture of herself in a bikini on Instagram, as if she's somehow "fighting back". But in this case, we're all winners here. 

This isn't my first day on the internet you know, I know what all these types of posts mean. You're not the first person to think of this Jessie. Listen, I'll pick up some Chinese food and a nice bottle of Scotch and we'll take some real pictures. That'll really hit your haters where it hurts.

Olivia Dunne Returns!

Olivia Dunne is in the new Sports Illustrated, which, I'm as surprised as anyone to find out there's still a Sports Illustrated. She's there because she's an NCAA star of some kind but the original story didn't say what kind exactly. In these cases it's usually swimming or even pole vaulting for some reason. Honestly I don't know what the NCAA is. I know it has something to do with college sports but beyond that I have no idea. 

They called this bikini "raunchy" but I don't know what makes one bikini raunchy and one not raunchy. Frankly bikinis all look pretty much the same, I guess it's who is wearing it that denotes it's level of raunch. 

They went on to say how she's making some kind of return but she's 20 years old, what is she returning from, prom? She can't even legally buy beer so maybe find someone that wasn't literally a child three years ago to have sexual fantasies about you pervert

Irina Shayk Visits the 80s

 Irina Shayk stepped out of a Nagel print from 1983 and went to The Prince's Trust Concert or whatever that is. And you're in luck. I scanned the source material just enough to stumble on this description... 

"The Prince's Trust was founded in the UK in 1976 with the vision that every young person should have the chance to succeed, by being given the appropriate tools"

All the standard vagueness is there, just as I expected. "The children!". "Succeed!"  "Appropriate tools!"

So a bunch of rich people and even normal people donate a bunch of money to something and then have no real idea where it went or what it's paying for. Yep. Sounds like a pretty standard charity to me.

Anyway, Irina listen. You're nearly 40 now. In five years nobody will even remeber your name, it's time to live a little. You're wealthy and single what do you want to hang out with all these dorks for. Irina, next time just ask. I'd love to talk you out of going here and then change our plans and go shoot pool or maybe even bowling. Take my word for it, it'll be A LOT more fun. And no one will be taking pictures. Unless that's your thing, if you get what I'm saying (that's a sex joke but seriously let me know).

MoneySign Suede Cashes Out

 Yawn. Another rapper is dead. This time it's someone named "MoneySign Suede" which, for a name you have to admit would be pretty hilarious if I wasn't so sure he was serious about it. He didn't trip over his pants and hit his head like I thought but instead, he was stabbed in the neck in a prison shower. What a shame. I'm sure the whole world will miss out on this marvelous (ex) new talent. 

If you want to see an abbreviated list of all the rappers I've written about that have been killed, just click here. But I wouldn't blame you if you didn't I mean, let's be honest.

Joy Corrigan has Gas

 

This is how model Joy Corrigan wants us to think she puts gas in her car. I've been a licensed driver since I was 19 years old (don't ask). I've lived in the third largest city in the country for almost my entire life. My dad was a mechanic, and he let me help him put gas in our car when I was like eight years old. I have been to gas stations probably hundreds of times and never once - not one time -  have I ever seen anyone put gas in their car like this.

So when you guys read a story I wrote complaining that I have nothing to write about because I'm sick of looking at these simpletons, maybe have a little sympathy, okay?

 

Paige Spirinac is an Influenza

 There was a story about "golf influencer" (???) Paige Spirinac and I pretended I give a shit for as long as I could, but I only read until I saw the words "golf influencer" like that's an actual thing. I believe that's a real thing like I believe the people that keep saying she's 30 years old like we all don't have eyes.

If I've said it once I've said it a thousand times. As long as you're over 30 no one cares. Seriously. You shouldn't start off our relationship with a lie Paige. It only goes downhill from there

Bridget Fonda is Normal

 Bridget Fonda is still breaking my heart. But so what? I only have a problem with actors and actresses that let themselves go to Hell while they're still actively famous and in movies or otherwise performing. Looking good is basically their only job. The only thing required of them is to look good, so when they put on an extra 40 or 80 pounds, they're slapping you in the face. "Unlike you, I'm so desired I can sit around and eat Pringles and drink beer all day" is essentially what they're saying.

But Bridget Fonda isn't famous anymore. There are 25 year olds alive today that have no idea who she is. She isn't starring in movies or television shows, she's retired and wants no part of any of that anymore.  Now she's just someone's 59 year old mom. Leave her alone. 

Trust me, when the time comes, I'm going to buy a train set and some overalls and basically look like Santa Claus.

Salma Hayek's Head is Swimming

 Salma Hayek posted this on her Instagram.  Also there's video!! There isn't really any news or anything but I'd want you to tell me.

Jennifer Lopez

 I forgot to write about Jennifer Lopez's very heavily filtered selfie. Don't get me wrong she's fuckin' hot but man, something about her bothers me.  Maybe the fact that she'd willingly marry Ben Affleck. Twice.

Shawn Mendes for the Ladies Part 48

Shawn Mendes is still walking around with his shirt off. "He" was apparently hiking. Who goes hiking with no shirt? You know who walks around shirtless? Hillbillies and escaped convicts trying to not be spotted in their state issue clothing. He doesn't even have a shirt with him, so that means he left the house without it. I was fully ready to say, "Hey maybe it's really hot in California" but nope. Maybe his hiking trip was to Old Man Kelsy's Woods to check on his still.

Site Update

 I have a few stories set aside I just haven't really written them yet but I will tonight and they'll seem all fresh and ready to go tomorrow. I was going to post a picture of a hot girl for this but I figured I'd put one of my favorite bands here instead. It's The Allman Brothers in case you're 11 years old and you're still listening to your mom's Wham! CDs in the back seat of the family minivan

Joy Corrigan is a Rocker

 I know I said I wasn't going to write about nobodies going to Coachella but this is an exception because I have a few questions. By the way that's "world famous" hard body, Joy Corrigan. That picture leads me to my questions. Before I begin I just want to say that "outfit" looks ridiculous. Okay let's begin.

First...Why? Isn't this a musical thing? Where people go see bands? I don't understand when this transitioned into a terrible fashion show for D-List celebrities. Does Coachella even showcase bands? Or is it all secondary character actresses from cancelled CW vampire shows, and the cast of Glee or whatever showing off their fake tits in bikinis. 

Second... Who ARE the bands? After all, it's supposed to be a music thing right? In all the stories I ever see written about Coachella, no one even mentions the bands or musical artists, so I never have even the slightest idea who is playing there.I have to imagine every Coachella is headlined by The Red Hot Chili Peppers (haha), and the rest of it is filled with local and semi-national acts only 70 people recognize. 

I'm basically out of questions because I guess I don't really care all that much, I was just looking for something to write about. The only people that seem to care about Coachella these days seem to live in Europe anyway, and who gives a shit what they think about anything

Britney Spears is Bored

 I'm not going to write about Britney Spears too much anymore. She is hot, and she's constantly videoing herself dancing around alone in noting but high heels and underwear by herself in her cavernous mansion. 

So wait, why am I not writing about her anymore? 

A friend sent me this video and I don't know... Writing about her feels wrong after seeing that. That does that make sense?  Maybe I will I don't know, I'm torn. I have to admit, crazy girls in nothing but high heels and underwear is kind of my thing, but if she's lonely and bored - because there are rumors she split from her "husband"and  ... hold on... can you see my conundrum?

Scheanna Shay is Ninties-rific

 Scheana Shay is the most famous working extra from a Jamiroquai video that survived the 90s, and she went to Coachella in her full costume from the Spacehog video she shot in 1995 to celebrate. 

I'm not going to spend the next month writing about nobodies going to Coachella. You just need to know that right now. 

Jaime Pressly is Okay

 Someone sent me this picture of Jaime Pressly so I ran with it. There is no other context that I'm aware of except top say that I haven't written anything else and I may or may not write anything today so this seemed like a good place holder. 

She's one of those women you can't look directly at. Like the sun or a really bright flashlight

Iggyu Azalea is Rich

 Iggy Azalea defended her subscription price to her OnlyFans of $25 a month (!) by rambling incoherently about God only knows what. Where's your yacht, dummy?  I can't imagine paying $25 even once to see Iggy Azalea naked, never mind getting roped into a $260 annual subscription but nobody ever said you were a rocket scientist.

Jack Black is Back

 Jack Black is experiencing some sort of weird renaissance, and I'm not really sure why. It's entirely possible that he's been at the top of the Hollywood heap since the 90s - the last time I really had any awareness of his annoying schtick, sort of a Will Ferrell Jr., - but I'm usually two or three times removed from these things, so who knows. 

 We - Jack Black and I - seem to come mostly from the "same place". in fact he seems like any one of a dozen guys I'd hang out with and have a pretty good time but I don't know... I don't think it's him that annoys me as much as his fans do. Sort of a "I''m getting this inside joke" crowd? Does that make any sense?  I wish I was more articulate and could explain this. But just like Lenny Kravitz he makes an appearance every few years and then vanishes again into the ether and I can pass on either one.

 

Halle Berry is Exciting and Daring

 Halle Berry posted a picture of herself naked on her balcony while drinking wine with the caption "I do what I want". I assume she means dying of cirrhosis of the liver, or maybe drunkenly falling and hitting her head on the edge of the countertop but each to their own.

You may get the idea that I'm against drinking. I'm actually not, I still do drink sometimes myself although very, very rarely. I don't really have anything against it, it's just something I don't really do anymore. Not drinking was a habit I developed years back. I will spare you the details because it's for boring reasons. Anyway the rambling point I'm trying to make is, drinking isn't a personality. At least not a good one. So do us all a favor and give it up.

A Hailey Put on a Bikini

 I thought I'd write about Hailey Bieber, and why not. She put on a bikini since that's pretty much all she does and I like girls in bikinis.  But it turns out the pictures were of Hailey BALDWIN. Even the source material called her the wrong name. This despite the fact that the pictures they used in their own story are clearly labeled Hailey Baldwin. Both of these women are so unremarkable and interchangeable, even people that care about their non-essential existence can't tell one from the other. 

I still don't know which one that is or which title is wrong. Is it Baldwin? Or Bieber? What possible difference could it make.

 And I would have happily written about either one since it's pretty obvious they're both pretty much non-entities and are totally useless unless they're standing around naked. Which is practically the same thing my ex said about me. You hear that, Elizabeth Hurley?

Molly Sims Vacations

 Molly Sims was in Mexico. I didn't bother to read why, but at least she isn't drinking. Where is her husband? Why is she always alone in these pictures? Honestly I don't really care where he is, so long as he's out of our hair for a few hours. 

Listen, you want me to write more? This is what you're going to get. Mostly stories about Molly Sims in a bikini, unless you have better ideas or things I care about more than Molly Sims in a bikini (you don't).

Judy Farrell Dead

 She probably got tired of living with Mike Farrell

Taylor Swift is Attractive. Bland.

 I haven't been looking very hard at all for things to write about since everyone mostly sucks now, but I think Taylor Swift is very attractive even if her music - or at least what I've heard - seems pretty run of the mill. I just happened to see this picture so I decided to write this. The magic of the creative process. Pretty neat huh? I don't get how she sells out massive stadiums worldwide at all, but it's your money.