Jessica Biel is Out

Jessica Biel went on a "date night" with her "husband", Justin Timberlake (no known photographs available). He at least seems like a decent enough guy for some reason, and not at all like some of the troglodytes these nit wits seem destined to get hooked up with. His music is awful beyond description but that's fine I don't have to listen to it.

I like her shoes. They're very 70s Disco, and that's just fine with me. Plus I just think she's so hot.  Whatever you think of her shoes, they're a lot better than some of the shoes these women think look good. Have you even read this blog? Just look at Britney Spears or Billie Eilish on any given day.

Gemma Collins has "Curves"

 

I thought about writing about Gemma Collins (I think that's her name) as I'm pretty sure I've written about her before for some reason, but I decided against it this time. Who knows, maybe she has a disease or some kind of mental problem we don't know about and it just didn't feel like I should

Kylie Jenner is a Moron

 Kylie Jenner went shopping. I don't know why she's still wearing a mask in late August of 2023 but you simple minded assholes need acceptance from everyone so you think doing something like this will make other people like you more or whatever. It's sort of like a rallying cry for morons. Plus your Mussolini-like authoritarian impulses can't be controlled without very expensive prescription drugs or a lobotomy so you just keep doing shit like this

It's also possible she's had some kind of plastic surgery that damaged the lower half of her face but she can easily afford good plastic surgeons so she doesn't have to drive down to Mexico to see some half baked alcoholic doctor to get this shit done, unlike you pathetic losers so it's more likely the first thing.

Arabella Chi is Someone

 Leonardo DiCaprio's newest girlfriend (?), Arabella Chi (?) went to Ibiza so she could go in the water without messing up her hair or makeup. British people go two places. Greece, and Ibiza. That's it. And then they talk about how well traveled they are. They go to two tourist spots where everyone is white and speaks English, and pretend like they rescued the Crystal Skull or something.

You rode first class in a giant boat across a channel? Wow, you're just like the guy that went to the North Pole. Whatever, anyway... remember her name - Arabella Chi - because she's going places. Like probably home after Leo moves on to the next slow witted teenaged model.

Gwyneth Paltrow Goes Green

"Gwyneth Paltrow, 50, and her daughter Apple 19..." 

Two things. When I was a kid my grandmother told me two things. They were "Don't ask people how they voted or how old they are".  I didn't understand why and she simply said it's nobody's business. So while I was a kid I just assumed all adults were the same age. Meaning, if someone was over say... 35? Unless they were really super old they were the same as everyone else. Does that make sense? It was pretty common advice from the WWII Generation. I don't know when that got turned on it's head but it has. Why do you care that Gwyneth Paltrow is 50? Is it because she looks better than you at 30? That's my guess.

Secondly I don't know how anyone turns a picture of two women in green boots into a 1000 word blog post like they did at the original source and believe me, I just tried and I can't figure out how

!!!SEXY UPDATE!!!

I just remembered my grandmother also told me never to ask someone how much money they make. Just thought I'd throw that in there. I'm trying to help you people learn

Sienna Miller IS NOT Fat

I panicked when I saw this picture because the original story was talking about how "beautiful", "brave," and "curvy" Sienna Miller was at the beach in her bikini and I thought she was spending her evenings chasing 12 packs of Milwaukee's Best with UberEats delivered beef sandwiches but it turns out she's just pregnant and not at all a bloated, disgusting booze hag, thank fuck. 

See? This is what happens when you start changing the definition of words. And while I'm a pretty happy-go-lucky person, now I'm wondering why all those guys keep calling me gay.

Britney Spears Splits

 Britney Spears is finally getting divorced. Sam "Greasball" Asghari actually filed the paperwork. No real reason has been given that I've seen, but by the looks of that guy I'm sure he's pissed she didn't help his modeling "career" or more likely didn't buy him a Lamborghini; "The Automobile for the Discerning Italian". 

Sorry I really don't know any more about this except to say if Britney needs a stable influence, a guy that doesn't care about money or fame, I'm always available. I just want a 9,000 pound two post car lift and a garage tall enough to put it in. That's all I need. 

Thanks @MomOnFire for the tip

Demi Lovato Disappears

 I didn't want to write about Demi Lovato at all, in fact, I deleted the original source material and was about to click the "Are you sure? Click yes" tab and changed my mind. Good story right?

Anyway, she lost a bunch of weight like anyone cares what she does anymore. I'm not sure what she did to begin with.  How did she lose all the weight? I don't know, but if I had to guess I'd say probably heroin, since you know she's never seen the inside of a gym. But that's just wild conjecture. So... good job? I guess?

Leni Klum is Youthful

 Heidi Klum's daughter Leni was on a yacht in the South of France which is a place I only thought existed in WWII movies, and movies about jewel thieves. Lucky for her it's 2023 so having big tits qualifies you as a "model"

By the way, she's 19 so I can legally write about her. She's 19 but she looks barely 16. She's so young, all of her joints are still smooth. Her body has no real definition. Kind of like those pod people as their forming in the movie "Invasion of the Body Snatchers".  Her brain is probably smooth too but you never know. Lucky for her she'll never have to find out.

Kim Kardashian is Huge

 

Kim Kardashian took her ass for a bike ride. I'm sorry, I can't stand this woman and her family and I don't care how good the rest of her looks her gigantic ass is repellent to me. It's so big, you can literally see it from the front. It's likely if I thought she was a better person that wouldn't matter, but she's awful and the people that follow her shallow, empty, ghetto bougie lifestyle are worse than she is.

Cavinder Twins Disappear

The Cavinder Twins and their eyebrows begin their long slow descent back into obscurity by quitting college basketball or field hockey or softball or whatever the fuck it is they do by joining the WWE? I hope Hillary and her sister Bill or whatever the fuck their names are saved some money because this is going to be a very, very short ride. 

These days, the Cavinder's are still creating plenty of content and keeping their lives busy and active - including through the WWE.

 That's the only mention of the WWE and there's no way in Hell I'm researching this anymore. If two mildly attractive teenagers want to wrestle for old perverts and weird overweight internet shut-ins then by all means, more power to them. Good bye forever Cavinder Twins.

 

Meghan Markle is Cool

 Meghan Markle was in Montecito California for some reason. It probably has something to do with her "mental health" because that's the new "thing" these days. Not therapy, I mean just having mental problems. In fact that little thing (arrow) is an "anti-stress" patch which I'm sure is available at Target and is probably just a blue sticker because anyone that buys that, and thinks it would actually work, would have to be stupid beyond belief

 This took place on Thursday and I'd just like to say a few things. 

Firstly, I didn't wait to write this. For some reason this was just published and I just saw it today (Sunday)

Second, I don't write about these two idiots very much because frankly nobody outside of England cares even the slightest bit about anything having to do with the Royal Family. That's a bizarre British thing. It's just not something that crosses anyone's mind.

Third, she's wearing a scarf and a pretty heavy wool jacket. In California. In the Summer. It was nearly 80 degrees in Montecito on Thursday.  

Heavy jackets in the Summer is a very weird phenomena that I've written about before. And Meghan even added a scarf. So I guess these people really do have a lot of mental health problems. Like the homeless guy that's wearing 11 winter hats and 14 coats in July

Jennifer Lopez has A Lot of Dough

 Jennifer Lopez put on a pink swim suit and if she were to ask me I would have said don't do that. Not before handing out Photo Shop glasses you can wear, kind of like those ones the guys wear in the movie They Live. 

Unless of course it was her intention to let everyone know what a giant marshmallow wrapped in a king-sized bed sheet looked like then by all means, carry on.

Leonardo DiCaprio is a Hit

 

Leonardo DiCaprio made the news for being on a yacht with a bunch of 20 year old models. I'm sorry, I just do not understand the appeal of Leonardo DiCaprio. Even as a guy, I can look at some other guys and say... "okay I get it" but this guy? He's rich, so I get that part. Women are very, very mercenary when it comes to money. Have you seen some of the guys these models date just because they're rich? Look at Salma Hayek's billionaire husband.  Not only is the guy a frog, but he looks like he gets driven to all of these events in a very short school bus. 

Leonardo DiCaprio these days seems to be known more now for dating models that are too young to buy alcohol, what's the last movie you saw him in? "Once Upon a Time in... Hollywood?" Sweetheart, that was almost five years ago, and really, how many people actually saw that. So he's famous sure, but only by inertia. I guess if dimwitted teenagers want to date a mildly attractive 50 year old man that's on the down slope of his career just because he's rich I guess it's none of my business.

Megan Thee Horse

 You guys know what a "stallion" is... right?

Harry Styles is Full of Crap

 Hey everyone, Harry Styles has a new girlfriend, actress Taylor Russell, so all that wearing dresses and carrying purses and gender fluidity and all that other crap were all just bullshit to sell his terrible music to teenagers that don't know any better and other things from his clothing line to their parents that should. 

I'd really hoped the internet and all the information it provides would make at least some of you less gullible and ignorant but it's had the opposite effect. I can't say I'm surprised but I am disappointed.

Ines de Ramon is Fake

 This is Ines de Ramon which is a totally fake name if I ever heard one. They say she's a jewelry designer that's dating Brad Pitt but my guess is she's actually a jewel thief  and that's why the fake name. .

Be serious, that sounds like a name you made up when you were 11 playing cops and robbers. "And where were you and your accomplice, Ines de Ramon when the vault was broken in to?" you'd say. And you'd reply in a terrible fake Spanish/Italian/Mexican accent... "at home watching TV alone"  and the cops have to believe you because you controlled their minds with the super mind control powers you have that you just thought up.

Paris Hilton is Dated

I didn't think I'd still be writing about Paris Hilton in 2023 but she's the one that looks pretty good in a bikini, not me. Paris Hilton is 42 years old now. If she wasn't a millionaire trust fund baby, she'd be a drunken wine aunt that's still throwing up "Devil Horns" at a Tesla concert at The House of Blues on a Tuesday night.

Wayne Brady is Pansexual

 Wayne Brady came out as "pansexual", whatever the fuck that is. I haven't thought about Wayne Brady in at least 15 years so I'd guess that's why he's coming out now. I wish we could go back to the olden times when people didn't tell you what their sexuality was. Like way back in 2017. If you know what pansexual means shoot me an email and let me know. On second thought DO NOT do that because there isn't anything in the world I care about less I just needed some kind of story to pad this page with.

Corey Feldman Getting Divorced. Still Alive

 

Corey Feldman is getting divorced from his wife of seven years. I didn't catch her name but I'll guess it's probably Yuliana, or maybe Ekaterina. Maybe take a look at her Bulgarian passport and see what it says. 

I guess she has one of those fake diseases you hear about like when someone is allergic to EVERYTHING, or Morgellon's Disease,  only this one is called "chronic fatigue syndrome" and it destroyed their marriage. I think I have chronic fatigue syndrome from constantly reading about these losers. You guys should see the shit I don't write about.

You can tell it's a fake disease and nothing more than attention seeking when 98% of the people that get it are women. I'm no doctor but I don't think that's how diseases work. Bacteria and viruses can't tell if you're a man or woman, they just attack everyone. Kind of like my Uncle Frank.

Billie Eilish is Back

 Well that was fast. Billie Eilish decided to stop looking kind of normal and figured it was best to go back to looking like an 83 year old hippie that won't stop telling you how good Jefferson Airplane was at Woodstock.

 This happened of course while she was performing at Lollapalooza which is taking place right here in Chicago so I get to hear about it non-stop through Sunday because people over 35 are desperate to still seem cool. It's okay to not be hip you know. You can stop talking about this kind of thing you won't die if you do.

Amanda Holden is an Angel

I haven't written about Amanda Holden in a while so here she is, all dressed up for some TV show she's on in Britain that absolutely nobody will see outside that country. You have no idea how sick I am of writing about these D-List bimbos. That's right I said bimbo.

Billie Eilish Grows Up

 

 Billie Eilish did this and posted it on her Instagram. I really don't know what it's for, but she included some emojis that probably explain it, and I'm not deciphering that like I'm an archeologist, that's not my job.  It was said she has a "jaw-dropping figure" and yes she looks pretty good these days, but that's what happens when women grow up. They look like women and men start to find them attractive. That's how biology works.  

 Her first song was released when she was a child - she was 14 years (ish) old in 2015. So of course at 21 she looks "better" And she's still basically a child today. She's still only 21 years old even now. I don't even remember being 21, can you imagine talking to her about anything? She's been famous since she was a freshman in high school and probably only learns things from memes on the internet. Really I don't even want to think about it.

Sam Smith is Dressed Up

"Famous" British person, and gay singer, Sam Smith dressed like a pedophile... or... wait... I mean... Ken? From the Barbie Movie? I guess? and hung out in a park by himself. They said he looked "incredible" and for once I agree but probably not in the way they meant.  Maybe he's Bizarro World Ken like in the Superman comics where everything is 180 degrees from what they are on Earth. 

Dressing like this isn't "ironic" as it's lost on most people. If you want my advice, quit setting gay rights back 40 years and just dress like a regular human. But I guess if he did that no one would pay attention to this doughy, already washed up creep of a celebrity.
 

Sofia Vergara is Changing

Remember when we were trying to figure out which way Sofia Vergara was going to go after her divorce? Was she going to be a huge pervert, or an old lady that carried around a little dog? Well I have some terrible news to share. 

Unless this is a Friday night trial run for her "Sexy Jewish Mother-In-Law" Halloween costume, the idea of her becoming a real swingin' single seems to be fading fast. If there isn't a little white dog in her car I'll eat my hat.

Happy Birthday Kate Beckinsale

 Kate Beckinsale dressed like a Playboy bunny for her 50th birthday on Saturday because that's what people do I guess. I assume they mean last Saturday because it's Saturday now and it's only 6pm Central (I wrote this on Saturday) so it seems a little early to be dressing up like this. I suppose it's possible she's been drinking since 11am so who am I to say anything

   I have two words of advice. First, those stripper heels are fucking awful. And I don't know who the blonde is on our left, I scanned the story a couple of times for her name but I couldn't find it I'm sure it's mentioned somewhere, but, if I were Kate I'd leave her out of the pictures next time. Or maybe get some fat friends or something because you obviously need the focus to be on yourself and trust me, she's not helping your cause.