Emergency Elsa Pataky Post

Elsa Pataky kind of looks like Sandra Bullock doesn't she? I also happened to see this while I was looking for pictures of Sandra Bullock. You can love two people at once. How about three? I bet I could I'd just need some time that's all.

Sailor Brinkley Does Stuff

Christie Brinkley's daughter Sailor Brinkley was at the "ESposrtsillustratedPN Wide World of Action" jock of the year trophy giveaway looking pretty much like your standard 20 something blonde. I have no idea what she does besides being Christie Brinkley's daughter. She's probably a model, or maybe a crime fighting mystery solver how the Hell should I know. If you're really curious call her up and take her to Buffalo Wild Wings and do some shots and maybe she'll tell you.

Ryan Philippe is Here for the Ladies

Ryan Phillllllipppe posed shirtless on his patio in the snow. Why wouldn't he? If I looked like that I would too. Oh wait I do look like that. As far as you know anyway. He was on some TV show I think but I don't remember what. Cruel Intentions? Or maybe it was a movie. I honestly didn't even remember this guy existed. Whatever happened to Josh Hartnett? Remember that guy?

The Russians are Coming for Your Jokes

A couple of Russian "pranksters" called the US ambassador to the UN Nikki Haley and pretended to be the Polish Prime Minister. Shit, that's practically a self writing joke right there. "Russian pranksters and a Polish guy walk into a bar and order too much Vodka and die from alcohol poisoning" HAHAHAHA. Whatever, as long as it keeps them off the roads and away from my light bulbs where they can't do any real damage.

Anyway, they pranked her by making up a fake country named Binomo near China or something and really let her have it because prank phone calls are still a thing in Russia I guess...

'You know Binomo?' he asked. 

'Yes, Yes,' Haley said. 

'They had elections and we suppose Russians had its intervention,' the fake PM said. 

'Yes, of course they did, absolutely. We've been watching that very closely,' she responded, likely confused as to what they were talking about.

'We will continue to watch that as we deal with the issues that keep coming up about the South China Sea.' 

He then asked what the US would do about it, to which Haley gave a vague and unconvincing answer. 

'Let me find out exactly what our stance is on that, and what if anything the US is doing or things should be done, and I will report back to you on that as well,' she said. 

Vovan and Lexus said the whole conversation lasted for about 30 minutes.

Hilarious. I hope my sides stop aching before I go out tonight. The "vague and unconvincing answer" means she's not actually listening to you. Maybe the Russians should stick to getting drunk, creating a monkey army, black market clothing and shitty driving and maybe leave the comedy to more developed nations. Like Japan. 

Lindy Lou Layman is an Idiot

Lindy Lou Layman damaged more than $300,000 worth of art while on a first date with a prominent Houston attorney....

Layman destroyed three original paintings and two abstract sculptures at Buzbee’s 12,000-square-foot mansion that evening, according to a criminal complaint, leaving at least $300,000 in damage. She tore the paintings off the wall, poured liquid on them and threw sculptures across the room, the complaint said.

Wow. I couldn't imagine that blonde idiot getting drunk and acting like an asshole. Aren't lawyers supposed to be smart? The picture of her on the right is in a Las Vegas casino so that should tell you all you need to know.

Don't worry the guy's a millionaire he'll get the art fixed and I'm sure Miss Emptyheadbigjugs up there will somehow manage to parlay this, what used to be a humiliating story, into a temporary career wherein she'll blow all of her earnings on a Maybach and bottle service in some tacky night club. Enjoy your 7 1/2 minutes of fame.

Read more here: http://www.star-telegram.com/news/nation-world/national/article191888549.html#storylink=cpy

Katie Price is Someone

Katie Price is an attractive -- in a party girl, night clubby, glitter and bottle service kind of way -- nobody, C-Lister from England, but she dressed in a sexy Santa type outfit and stood on her bed, and someone else wrote about her for no real reason, then I saw it and figured I would too. The creative process in action.

Happy Birthday Hailie Scott

Eminem's daughter Hailie Scott turned 22 years old on Christmas Day and she's the only thing Eminem ever produced that I like so far.

!!!SEXY UPDATE!!! I just thought of a fun game. Let's see how a rapper feels when you treat his daughter the way rappers say you should treat women.

George Michael Celebrates an Anniversary

George Michael has been dead for a year and no amount of sobbing will make me like his music.

Elsa Pataky is Okay

Elsa Pataky was on the beach in a bathing suit. I read she's 41 years old and married to one of the Hemsworth brothers but I'm not sure which one. Other than that I don't know who she is, or what she does but she's hot as Hell. Also I learned that I probably have no real business writing about these people.

Bill Hader Needs Water

Some big headed hydrocephalic filed for divorce from his wife after some number of years that I don't know. Good luck in your new single life Mr Bighead.

Marla Maples is my New Favorite

This originally started as a story because of a picture Marla Maples shared of her and her daughter Tiffany Trump, Marla posted to her Instagram account. It had something to do with Christmas. I didn't use that picture though because

A. It's my blog
2. I liked this one better

I didn't know two things. First, I didn't know that Tiffany Trump was Marla's daughter, and two, that Marla Maples is FIFTY FOUR YEARS OLD. She's far and away the best looking 54 year old I've ever seen. And she doesn't have that weird frozen Joker like face of a Christie Brinkley. Also I bet you didn't know Marla was in the Kurt Russel/Goldie Hawn classic, and personal favorite "Overboard" (uncredited) did you. No I bet you didn't you dumbass. Pfft and you call yourself a man.

 

Tyga Knows What's Up

Tyga has a new afro. I'm not sure why this is news unless he's giving up the carefree fun loving life style of being a rapper to start a new career as a hard bitten street informant like Huggy Bear.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle Are Engaged

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle released their official engagement photographs today and there isn't anything in the world that you could say or do that would make me care about this.

Steven Tyler is Cool

Steven Tyler was photographed at the airport as he arrived home from his coronation as Almighty Leader of the Hippie People in the Haight/Ashbury district of blah blah I'm not doing this anymore today, go cut the grass or something. 

Amy Smart is Tough and Nice

Amy Smart stood up for who I can only assume will be her soon to be ex-husband who's probably named Jeff Somethingorother (no known photographs)...

“We are in a climate right now where it’s so wonderful and needed to have women coming forward to break their silence; it is vital and important for female equality. Period,” she said. “A lot of the stories are horrific and need to be brought to light. This story, about my husband, Carter Oosterhouse, on the other hand, is now taking it too far and boundaries are being crossed.”

I know this is probably a bad time for you Amy, just know that I'm here for you if you need to talk or maybe just want to relax on the couch and watch movies with someone. You don't need a man like that in your life. 

TJ Miller Makes the Naughty List

 "Comedy" Central cancelled TJ Miller's show "The Gorburger Show" after allegations stemming from a 2001 rape surfaced

 The short-lived comedy series was based on the 2012's Funny or Die and featured Miller's voice as the sole main character of Gorburger, a big blue monster who led a Japanese television station.

 Wow what a shame. That sounds like a real winner right there, I'm sure it'll be missed. I watched about 10 minutes of "Office Christmas Party" before I realized everyone in it except for Jennifer Aniston (give me a call me Jen) should be put in prison, so cancelling this show is probably for the better anyway. What could he have (allegedly) done that was so b-- OH MY GOD

 Miller's former girlfriend, who asked not to be named, told the Daily Beast in a report published Tuesday she met Miller in 2001 at George Washington University, where the two had been involved in one of the school's comedy groups prior to the alleged incidents.

 On two occasions, she says Miller beat her and sexually assaulted her - including punching her in the face during sex and raping her with a beer bottle.

 Look at the guy and tell me any of that surprises you. They say you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover but let's be honest, it's always worked for me.

 

Cardi B Raps About Stuff

Here's a gross new rapper (new to me anyway) named Cardi B rapping about the latest hot rapping topic of the day. My guess would be she's rapping about being rich. I've never heard her rap but I bet it's really, really good. Her and Nikki Minaj should team up and call themselves The Garbage Pail Kids. And later after their shows they can sit around and compare fingernails and have giant pants contests.

Blac Chyna is a Fashion Plate

D-List celebrity and noted sub-moron Blac Chyna dressed like this and then walked around in public. Why? Who knows maybe she was drunk and got dressed in a closet with the lights off what am I Sherlock Holmes.

Danica Patrick is Single

Race Car driver Danica Patrick ended her five year relationship with Jubell Goolihy or whatever that dumb hillbilly's name was. Apparently because there was no engagement in sight and at the age 35 I guess she's too old for that shit. Too bad dopey, hit the bricks you chump. I'm on my way Danni but I'm not as fast as he was (if you get my drift) so just sit back and relax we'll get there.

James Corden is Careful With Snacks

Photographers captured the moment when late night television superstar James Corden gingerly carried his cake in it's protective case to his car while armed guards (not pictured) looked on. Or maybe it was a baby. I think it's more likely it was a cake though. And probably some milk too. You can't be too careful these days.

Chris Matthews is a Harasser?

!!!!BREAKING NEWS!!!! A settlement was paid to a female staffer that accused Chris Matthews of sexual harassment. I can't say I'm really all that surprised, just looking at his picture makes me want to take a shower.  You ever smell those guys that smoke those giant cigars? I can only imagine that's what he smells like. If you want to know what I think other people smell like just let me know.

Gene Simmons is a Jerk?

A woman is suing Gene Simmons for sexually harassing her or whatever since apparently this woman has never heard of Gene Simmons...

A TV and radio broadcaster filed a lawsuit against Kiss bassist Gene Simmons, claiming he made sexual innuendos during an on-camera interview and later groped her buttocks.

 Of course he did. It's Gene Simmons. I guess I can't blame her for not realizing this could be a potential problem I mean he's only been world famous for 45 years.

A Tattoo for the Ages

An SNL cast member (identity unknown) got a tattoo of Miley Cyrus on his arm. At least I think that's who that is. Or maybe it's Hillary Clinton I'm not really sure. Ironically, this is the funniest thing an SNL cast member has done since Phil Hartman died. If you want to know who did this try Google. You can be like one of the Hardy Boys.

Eminem Raps About Stuff

Eminem's new album is being called "noise" and "trash" by some people, although how they can tell the difference between shitty rap and good rap is a mystery to me.

Ireland Baldwin Likes Fitness

Ireland Baldwin is in LOVE Magazine's (?) Advent issue (?) proclaiming her love for working out in lingerie. If you believe this you're even dumber than she is. Don't you feel insulted? This is how stupid these PR people think you are, and the saddest part is, they're mostly right. I have an idea, maybe next she can put on some high heels and do some yoga with her half-witted stepmom, Bethany Frankel and whatever other D-List celebrity they can get to show up.

!!!SEXY UPDATE!!!   Bethany Frankel isn't her stepmom. I think it's Kathy Ireland. Or maybe its Kim Bassinger who can really tell these days what with all these apps and whatnot.

Yet Another Elizabeth Hurley Post

Here's another super easy Elizabeth Hurley in a bikini post. I saw this picture and I thought, "gee, someone should write about this and -- wait a minute, I have a blog -- that someone should be me!" I guess if you're bored with this kind of thing I could always start shrieking about political stuff. Maybe you'd prefer I start talking nonstop about the Koch brothers, Monsanto (or whoever the new boogeyman is) and how pot should be legal and taxed? Yeah that's what I thought.

Jessica Simpson is Doing This on Purpose

Jessica Simpson once again posted a picture of herself (a "selfie") looking like a 70's or early 80's porn star and I have to be honest, I'm diggin' where this is going. She's 37 years old so it's entirely possible that she realizes this right? If she was 21 years old I'd understand that the whole 1974-1979 aesthetic would be mostly lost to her but she's almost 40. Anyway, I don't know what she's up to but I guess I'll just have to imagine it. And believe me, I can -- and will -- imagine a lot. 

Maria Menounos Had Brain Surgery

Maria Menounos shared a video on her Instagram of her in the hospital after her brain surgery...

“This video was taken 24 hours after my brain surgery. I still can’t believe that you can eat and speak normally so soon after. It was hard to keep my eyes open bc i was seeing double at this point,”

 “On my 6 month anniversary I wanted to share this so if you are about to go through this you can see with your own eyes what it can be like. Everyone is different...but if I can ease your fears a bit I would like to.”

Man that's really awful. I can't imagine how terrifying that must be. So you know what? I'm not going to think about it. It's nice that she's alright.

Saturday With Presley Gerber

The original story (which I'm not linking) said Cindy Crawford's son Presley Gerber took a break from "his tough schedule" -- from what I don't know, probably being Cindy Crawford's son I guess -- to walk around on a beach in Miami. It also complimented him on his "model physique". I'm not sure what he models but by the looks of things he's a model for pictures of American GIs in Japanese WWII POW camps. So yeah good job. I guess I shouldn't be too hard on him he's 18 years old so his spine is still growing. Maybe when it's done he can grow some muscles too. Fuckin nerd.

Pamela Anderson Nude

This story originally started out about Pamela Anderson hence the story title. Plus when people search for Pamela Anderson Nude on Google this shows up. Pretty tricky right?  Anyway there were other pictures included and I got distracted. Plus I just wrote about her and she isn't returning my calls.  This was some party for some lingerie line she's involved with now (Coco de Mur?) and for some reason I never get invited to those things. I guess it could be because of all the ugliness last time but I don't know. Whatever man, I don't care about your stupid lingerie anyway jerks.

Julia Roberts Makes a Movie

Julia Roberts plays a bag lady in her newest movie, "Julia Roberts the Bag Lady". She hid all of her glamour to appear as a homeless crack head in this gripping tale of loss and seduction. I'm kidding. It's a movie called Ben is Back but I accidentally closed the page where I was reading about it and I'm not looking for it again so I don't know what it's about or who else is in it. Probably some guy named Ben. I'm not even 100% sure I got the title correct. Let's face it, you're not going to see this piece of crap anyway.

Seal is Huge

The original article where I saw this picture said Seal was a "mega-star". He was married to Heidi Klum until 2014 right? So I guess that sort of qualifies. Plus his greatest hits album was released almost 10 years ago so maybe because it's not my type of music he was always just off my radar. I guess I sort of remember last year when he *played Soldier Field here in Chicago during his year long worldwide stadium tour.** It was also a story about how he was being interviewed on Australian radio by someone named Jackie O because of some Australian reality show or something because Australia is known for being a hot bed of celebrity activity.  What was that song? Touched by an Angel? I really don't remember. I know I hear it on radio stations where they also play UB40 and that one other group. You know the one. They do that song? I don't remember. Pet Shop Boys? Anyway, have fun doing whatever it is you're doing.



*didn't happen.
**also didn't happen


!!!!SEXY UPDATE!!!!  This story pretty much blows more than usual so I would understand if you didn't read it

Mariah Carey Has a Staff Writer

The original title of this photograph was "Mariah Carey Shows Off Her Svelte Figure". I happened to see this while I was checking what the weather was like in Fantasy Land and figured you guys might like to see it too.

Tina Fey Gets an Award

Hey everybody here's someone I never write about. Tina Fey. She was at the New York Stage and Film Gala accepting the award for the World's Most Overrated Female Comic. She was on SNL and in the movie Mean Girls which I thought was kind of a cute movie I guess. She was a member of the Second City thing here in Chicago and lived here with her perm for a while I guess  so every time she goes to the bathroom I have to hear about how hilarious it was. I'm typing all of this nonsense so I can avoid having to read the article where I stole this picture because I really don't give a shit what Tina Fey does. Ever. She's hot as Hell and I'm sure very nice, she's just not funny. And if you're a "comic" being funny is the most important thing. And don't point to SNL because that garbage dump hasn't been funny for 30 years. Unless of course you're my mom, than SNL is biting social commentary and really skewers everyone.

Whatever Happened to Pamela Anderson

Pamela Anderson continued her descent into madness when she attended some event in London at Morton's dressed like a 17th Century Japanese sex painting. We have a Morton's here but it's a steak restaurant. Imagine a place filled with middle aged, middle management type guys in suits TALKING REALLY LOUDLY and paying too much for mediocre food and it'll be like you're actually there. Also we have an arboretum here called The Morton Arboretum but I doubt she went there. Of course I guess you never know she's nuttier than a bag of peanuts in a peanut factory or something. All she needs is Bette Davis pushing her around in a wheel chair and the transformation will be complete. I have no idea who that dude is taking her picture but I hope the paparazzi use more than the camera on their phones. Shit I have a camera on my phone. Give me a call PAm we'll shoot some "tasteful" pics. You don't have hepatitis anymore right?

Britney Spears Looks Good in Pink

Britney Spears wore a dress that's probably illegal in some Southern states and posted the pictures on Instagram. I'm all for it. I am, as I've suggested in the past however, concerned about her face. There isn't anything wrong with it physically, but does it seem weird to you? I don't know something is off. She looks dazed all the time. I'll tell you what Britney, let's discuss the problem with your face over drinks. Did I mention I like pink?

Site News

I was going to write a bunch of stuff the other day, especially about how Jeremy Piven's show got cancelled because he wears dumb sweaters or sexually harassed a bunch of people or something but then I suffered a debilitating back injury. Look, I even had a picture picked out and everything. How does a back injury effect typing on a computer? It doesn't since, as you can see, I'm doing that right now but it's a good excuse to not write anything so maybe tomorrow we'll see how my recovery goes.

Jennifer Lawrence Stares at Goats

Jennifer Lawrence, most recently in the news for breaking up with super stud Darren Aronofsky says maybe she'll retire to a farm and milk goats because for some unknown reason that's become a thing to do for white millenial types. Sorry I would have just quoted it but you have to pay $1 to read that whole Washington Post story I linked and if you think I'm paying a dollar for that I'm not. And I stopped reading the Elle article after it called her "zany".  Maybe Jennifer should try deer instead and they can stand around and stare at each other while they chew their cud. I'm sorry, I don't have anything against Jennifer Lawrence personally she just always looks like an emotionless robot to me. Maybe she's really just a CGI creation. Like some horny, nerdy 15 year old Star Wars fan was tasked with creating killer sex robots and came up with Model X-1 otherwise known as the Jennifer. Well I'm on to you Jennifer bot, you'll never take me to your murder farm.

Jane Krakowski Does Stuff

It's a long holiday weekend here in the States so there isn't much in the way of celeb news going on. At least not that I've seen. Something about Joe Scarbourough and Mika "Leonid" Brzinski or however the Hell you spell their names. Maybe some stupid crap about Donald Trump is floating around and maybe something about some reality show bimbo had her top "accidentally" fall off in a restaurant or who knows what else.

There was one story about Elizabeth Hurley in a bikini and I usually fall back on her because...well you know. But then I saw a picture of Jane Krakowski attached to some story. It wasn't this picture and I didn't read the story so she may have cured cancer for all I know. I just hated her shoes in the other picture so I found this one. Besides it looks like she's wearing just heels and a jacket and I'm going to stop writing right now before this really gets ugly.

So Long David Cassidy

Former 70's teen idol David Cassidy passed away on Tuesday due to organ failure, he was 67. That's his daughter Katie by the way. She's 30. Just saying. It's all very sad.

Cheryl Makes a Comeback

I skimmed over a story about someone named Cheryl (no apparent last name) making a comeback of some kind. If you're wondering where she was, I think she was back in 2003 where they still do those fish lips/sideways peace sign selfies, but like I said I only skimmed it. She probably didn't take a break from whatever it is she does to get her PhD I can tell you that much.

Josh Brolin Isn't Mad

Josh Brolin was photographed on the beach walking like my sister does when she's mad. Arms straight down, her tiny little hands clenched with rage...

Jennifer Lawrence and Super Stud Break Up

Jennifer Lawrence and Darren Aronofsky broke up. What a shock. No reason was given that I saw, maybe he got tired of playing "tea" with her dollies. Better luck next time, I hope you two kids finally find love or whatever.

Gavin Rossdale Points at a Camera

51 year old Gavin Rossdale has a new girlfriend and her name is 28 year old Sophia Thomalla. She's some kind of model, probably on Instagram, and he was in a band that had a hit 23 years ago. He was also married to Gwen Staffaneo who is now dating or married or whatever to the world's sexiest man Blake Shedo. Lucky for us The Daily Mail keeps track of these washed up celebrities so we can keep up with what some guy is doing now.

Queen Letizia Needs Some Help

Spain's Queen Letizia was on hand to chair The Royal Disability Trust meeting, although I'm not sure why any royal person would need disability. I can see Prince Charles going to the doctor doing range of motion tests and scamming the system with stories about how he hurt his back. And yes I know I just wrote about her a few days ago and if you don't like it maybe try a different blog. It's a pretty big internet. Is she married? Where's King Letizia? Maybe she's looking for companionship. I just so happen to know a devilishly handsome blogger that has a thing for hot monarchists. Oh wait it turns out she isn't married. Well I'll see you guys it's Thanksgiving weekend and I guess I'm on the next plane to Africa or wherever Spain is.

Shakira is a Giant

Legendary South American gaucho and Songstress Shakira - who I mostly know from her being 4'11 inches tall, Google says she's 5' 2 but I happen to know that's complete bullshit (she's number 10 on this list). I knew about that for years before even that story was posted because I knew a girl that was 4'11 tall and she'd always joke about being "as tall as Shakira". I don't know maybe she really is 5' 2 after she became the world's only 40 year old that went through a growth spurt. Anyway where was I? Oh yes. She went out with a mop on her head. Why? Because celebrities are weird that's why.

Charles Manson is Dead

Charles Manson died. Stick a fork in him. He's done

Ben Affleck Wants to talk to You About Insurance Coverage

Ben Affleck looks like he was photographed leaving the top secret location where he's in training to be a stuffy college professor from the 1970's instead of Stephen Colbert's unfunny talk show. His jacket better have those leather patches over the elbows that's all I have to say.

Malcolm Young Leaves Us

AC/DC co-founder, rock god, and the composer of some of the greatest rock songs that ever existed, Malcolm Young passed away just three years after being diagnosed with dementia at age 64. He died surrounded by family. I wonder if all those pantywaists that got all bleary eyed over Prince and David Bowie are going to change their AVI's to Malcolm Young now. I'm going to guess they won't.

Their album Highway to Hell sold 7 million copies. In 1979. That's more than some "superstars" sell today with every conceivable type of social media, video and television help you could possibly imagine. AC/DC still has the second biggest selling album of all time with Back in Black selling more than 40 million copies second only to Michael Jackson's Thriller.  And we're talking in 1980. Assholes like Beyonce sell a measly 500,000 albums and we're told how she's changing the world. Times change I guess. That's the way it goes. See you Malcolm.

Emma Rigby is Sleepy

This is Emma Rigby. She's an actress apparently. They could tell me she was an astronaut and I'd be like "Okay sure whatever you say". It's a still from some new movie she's in called "Who the Fuck Cares" but I saw it as I was scrolling around looking for news and whatever else I could use to grind out another 100% hilarious post I could allow you to read and I stopped so fast the scroll wheel on my mouse broke off in my fingers. I know she's pretty new as far as actresses go (I think), but I'd say she deserves an Academy Award for this performance and I can tell you that without even seeing the movie. Which I never will. I'm rooting for you Elsie!