Nikki Bella is Somebody

Nikki Bella pretended to be talking on the phone while she was out "shopping", with her tits hanging out, so the paparazzi losers that were called ahead of time could take her picture, so a bunch of worthless celebrity sites could talk about what she was wearing. Whoever she is.  I'm not even going to mention her unbelievably horrible shoes. With that dress? God you people are pathetic.

Smells Like Fake Spirit

Christina Milian and her boyfriend Samuel McGilicutty or whatever the Hell his name is, took a walk so he could show off his brand new vans, and Hot Topic Nirvana shirt. No I have no idea who they are so don't bother asking, but evidently she's pregnant. What do they want me to say, "You two did a good job fucking"? Okay there I said it. Maybe go to JCPenney and by some more heavy metal t-shirts you deserve it.

Heidi Klum is Gross

Heidi Klum posted this picture on her Instagram to prove "granny panties" can be sexy which totally backfired. God that's gross. If you're going to wear these just stay inside and do your weird sexual fetish things in private. If they look this bad on Heidi Klum, just imagine how they look on you.

Ashley Greene Goes to the Movies

Ashley Greene was at a Twilight screening but nobody said where so it could be anywhere, probably a local park. The original story said she's 32 years old, and she may be a lot of things,  but she's 32 years old in the same way I invented the cotton gin.

!!!!SEXY UPDATE!!!  I knew I'd written about her before.

A$AP Rocky Goes to Sweden

A$AP Rocky is a rapper. Know how you know that? The dollar sign in his name, that's the surest way. It shows he has class. Besides being a rapper, he's helping rap broaden it's scope by exporting it's violence to other countries. Most notably Sweden, the place where his trial starts today. Or maybe yesterday by now. It's a different time there.  He faces three years in Ikea. No wait I mean prison. Yes that's apparently a Swedish prison cell.  If you don't believe me Google it. If you don't have Google go visit A$AP Rocky in prison and he can do it for you on his top of the line prison issued iPad.

Happy Birthday Sandra Bullock

Sandra Bullock went to her 55th birthday party wearing what she wore to dinner the other day. So that explains that. She's 55? Shit. Her stupid boyfriend was milling around somewhere but who knows where, I'm not his baby sitter. A bunch of other famous people where there but who cares who or why. This was a hard hitting piece wasn't it?

Katy Perry Goes Fishing

Katy Perry was photographed on a yacht in a "colorful" bikini carrying what looks like a huge dildo. Pretty shocking how she looks mostly like anyone else without two hours of make up and an army of wardrobe assistants and a push up bra. I don't know what she'd need a huge dildo for while swimming unless she's hunting for the legendary Vagina Fish. Look I know I'm reaching, but I didn't know people still cared about Katy Perry.

Sunday Morning Music Hour

I absolutely don't feel like sifting through the celebrity garbage dump today so just listen to this 10 - no 20 times. I'll be checking later to make sure.

Kelly McGillis Isn't in Top Gun

Kelly McGillis said she wasn't asked to be in the totally unnecessary Top Gun sequel. I only read far enough to learn how to spell her name so I don't know why they didn't ask her. Maybe because Tom Cruise looks essentially the same as he did in the original movie, and she aged like a Halloween pumpkin. Hey I'm not in charge of Hollywood, if you don't like the rules, start a movie studio and you can hire all the plus-sized models, and old homeless bag ladies that you want if that's what makes you happy.

Sandra Bullock Takes a Short Guy to Dinner

Sandra Bullock went out to dinner with some short, skinny, dopey looking guy. I think he's her boyfriend, and I think his name is BrYan with a Y. I could have sworn I've written about her and her ridiculous boyfriend before, don't you hate that guy? But I searched and I can't find anything which is shocking because she's definitely right up there on the top shelf  for me. And as much as I like her I don't like that dress. It looks like she's wearing a garbage bag. Or the protective cloth bag your new racing seats for your car get delivered in.  I do like her shoes though, those can stay. You see, it can be done right. Still I bet that dress is easy to take off, you know what I'm saying? I mean, after her ill-mannered, oafish boyfriend spills his spaghetti all over it like a four year old you'd have to get it cleaned immediately. C'mon Sandra the guy's name is Bryan. Aren't you a multi-millionaire? Buy the clown a tie. I guess it's for the best anyway, I wouldn't eat somewhere you have to get that dressed up to go too. I'm a man of action, a rebel. No time for that, let's grab a hot dog and hit the road Sandra. Just you and me. We'll find a nice quiet out of the way place to spend the night and dispose of his body.

Two Dopes Call it a Day

Two nobodies that you never heard of, that are on a show you don't watch broke up. Cole (of course) Sprouce, and Lili (of course) Reinhart of Riverdale "fame"called it quits after dating for two years and you didn't !!!evenknowtheyweretogetgeromgfart!!! Maybe they can focus on themselves now and buy more clothes from the early 90's. And by the way, I didn't make that picture with the break up lightning bolt in it. I did a Google search and grabbed the first one I saw. I wouldn't give the person credit even if I knew who made it because they can pound sand.

!!!EMERGENCY!!!Rapper Tay-K Update!!!

Knucklehead rapper Kay-T got 55 years for murder. If you're over say...the age of 25, you'll most likely be dead of old age before he's released so that gives you plenty of time to learn if his name is Tay-K or Kay-T.

"Tay-K" Going Away-way

"Rapper" Tay-K faces 99 years in prison after being found guilty of murder...

The 19-year-old was involved in a home invasion and robbery in Mansfield, Texas that resulted in the death of 21-year-old Ethan Walker, who was fatally shot in the stomach, NBC 5 reported. Another person was wounded, but survived.

 Good. Idiot.  I'm just going to change this blog to a site that updates everyone, every day about the various "rappers" murdering and robbing and getting killed and going to prison forever. It'll be a full time job but it's the only way to keep up with who is rapping nowadays. Maybe they can do one of those long distance interviews with "Tay-K" from prison at the next BET Awards. Sort of like how they interview Roman Polanski at The Oscars.

Saturday Block Day

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that this person has neither boobs nor brains. Considering the source, they probably think Mensa is something you order on the side at Chipotle. I don't know if I ever looked at this person's account but let me see if I can guess what it's like...

• A lot of "science" retweets
• Pictures of books and libraries
• Pictures of the planets 
• Hazily filtered pictures of girls twirling in sundresses in sunny fields with pithy, brave sayings superimposed on them
• A lot of stuff about Elizabeth Warren, or maybe how Bernie Sanders is going to save the world.

This isn't my first day on the internet, you know. I know what kind of person starts an account like that. Enjoy your block. If it wasn't for this little filler type blog entry I would have already forgotten you existed.

Sports Illustrated Now in 3D

There was a Sports Illustrated "fashion show" last weekend and I could have written about Florinda Estrada, or Robin Holzken. Guess which one I picked.

Emergency Kate Hudson Post

Kate Hudson was hanging out with a friend in their bikinis. Kate is the person on the right obviously, but I'm not really sure who her friend is. Some girl. I'm sure she's nice but frankly I don't care. She's cute enough I guess and maybe she's smart and funny but let's face it, she's not Kate Hudson. You see? You have to be nice to every girl you meet, even if you don't really care one way or the other because they might be friends with Kate Hudson. Are you writing this down?

Chrissy Metz Gets Around

Chrissy Metz was on the Wendy Williams show discussing her new boyfriend and also her will for when she drops dead of a heart attack at age 43 and gets buried in a piano case. Or maybe she talked about her knee, blood pressure, and back problems and maybe even her new mobility scooter, and the little elevator thing that she rides up the stairs in her house, but who knows what she said I don't watch that garbage.

Britney Spears Likes UFOs

I saved this picture of Britney Spears late last week and now I can't remember why. Was it about her weird looking boyfriend? The Mayans would intentionally cross the eyes of their children by hanging something between their eyes so they'd stare at it when they were babies and their eyes would eventually stay like that. Why? I have no idea. Something to do with sex, I'm sure. Is he Mayan? Probably. Maybe he's one of those alien/human hybrids we've all heard so much about. That's why his jeans are ripped maybe he's trying to burst out of his skin.  But more likely I was going to comment on her horrible shoes. If you have thicker legs you should try a slimmer or at least thinner heel. Shoes like that make it look like you need them to support your weight, and she's not overweight, so you see what I mean? It's a perception thing. Plus they make you look clumsy. Do I have to teach you people everything?

United States Hair Force

This is Elizabeth Hurley's son Damian. Someone needs to take all these celebrity kids' money anyway and make them get real jobs for three or four years.

Gwyneth is a Punk Rocker

This article (I lost the original so I can't link it, sorry.) said Gwyneth Paltrow "dressed casually for a punk rock show". What punk rock show was that? Kelly Clarkson? I've been to a lot of punk shows and I've never seen a woman in a one piece jumper at any of them. It's the white shoes and black laces that gave her away isn't it. Pretty daring of her. I hope she doesn't run off and join the SLA.

Steven Spielberg Remakes a Movie

Steven Spielberg and his hat are remaking West Side Story and I'll never, ever see this one either. If the studio wants to flush $100 million dollars remaking this dancing movie I'm not standing in their way.

Heidi Klum Got Married

Heidi Klum got married and didn't tell anyone. Except for People Magazine. Oh, and CNN. Who knew she was such a good secret keeper. You have to watch those Germans though they can't be trusted. I don't know who she married, is that Jason Mamoa? Is that who that is? I think so. That's weird, I thought he was already married to one of those Cosby Kids. But I guess you have to have a lot of women in your cave tribe in case some perish during childbirth. Hey don't blame me, I'm not in charge of evolution.

Beto Announces He's Descended From Slave Owners. Nobody Cares.

 Hurray! Beto gets to jump on the Guilt Train Express.

 "Something that we’ve been thinking about and talking about in town hall meetings and out on the campaign — the legacy of slavery in the United States — now has a much more personal connection," O'Rourke wrote, noting that his wife, Amy, also had ancestors who owned slaves.

 Thank God my family came here from Europe in the early 1900s by hiding in the ballast water of merchant ships so there was never any chance of us owning slaves, so I guess I won't have to pay any reparations. Some of them joined the mafia though, or so I'm told, is that bad? Did I mention they came here illegally? No that's not true, I have no idea whether they were legal or not and now they're all dead so I have no way of asking. If you want to pay for the DNA test we'll find out together, otherwise, mind your own business.

Hakuna Matata Beyonce

 Beyonce and JayZ were at the Lion King premier. What day was this? Friday? Maybe Saturday I don't know. She was wearing a designer gown made out of the curtains from Room 206 at The Days Inn on Sunset Blvd, that had to be resized apparently after a few weeks of eating a lot of salty foods and retaining about 68 pounds of water, and JayZ wore a tuxedo and one of those visors college guys standing around a keg in someone's backyard with the fake hair attached wear when they feel extra zany, although I think it was turned backwards. This is America's new privileged class. Something to really look up too.

 I have no idea why they felt the need to remake The Lion King, what's wrong with watching the cartoon? I mean it isn't really a live action remake unless they managed to find a bunch of talking lions somewhere outside of some make believe fantasy Britney Spears is experiencing this week because she's off her meds, so in fact it's basically 90% cartoon anyway isn't it?  I guess if your stupid kids want to see it it's fine with me since maybe I'll finally be able to go to the grocery store in peace for once while you're all occupied.

Dwayne Johnson And Jason Statham Shoot 'em Up

Dwayne Johnson (real name Dwayne) and Jason Statham were groping each other at the premier of their new move, "Hobbs and Shaw: Special Ed Bus". I saw only the 30 second commercial for this huge piece of shit of a movie and lost 28 IQ points, but I'm sure it'll make billions of dollars because you people make me fucking sick

Site News

I have a whoooole bunch of stuff ready to go, and then I got caught up at work, you know, the thing that pays me money? And I never really got around to this so I may spread the rest out through the week so you may see weird dates and talking about the weekend that just past etc., etc. But they're not really all that pressing. So if you're going to be a problem, take a walk, otherwise prepare to be wowed.

Emily Hartridge Killed

You Tube and Instagram "star" Emily Hartridge died when she drove her electric scooter into a truck. It's strange, you wish You Tube stars, Instagram people, and scooter riders would slide under a truck and die all the time, and then it actually happens and you feel a little bit bad about it. Not a lot, but a little. I believe the Germans have a complicated word for that, let me know if you remember what it is (please don't actually do that).

Ariel Winter Does Her Hair

 Ariel Winter had a bunch of pictures taken at a hair salon. It seems like a weird place for this but okay. They keep calling her the star of Modern Family but I've never seen it so I'll just have to take their word for it. I'm sure it's a fine program, whatever it's about. My guess is it's about a Modern Family. She's 21 years old. I couldn't have imagined being in this position at 21. I was probably vomiting in a parking lot somewhere. You have to be ready to have your picture taken at the drop of a hat, paparazzi scumbags are pawing through your garbage and stupid idiots like me are making fun of you for wearing white after Labor Day. There would be no way I could handle this kind of constant attention even now, I can't imagine it at 21.

 Frankly I not only don't know how they do it but why. Is it strictly a money thing? Why on Earth would you want this kind of fame and attention. What is missing from your soul that makes people want this? Maybe it's one of those bizarre things that happens by accident that you hear about. Like how Mel Gibson got the part in Mad Max.  Maybe she's working in some school play in high school and some guy sees her and says "Hey want to be famous?" And she says, "Sure why not?" I saw a Bill Murray interview once while I was in a band trying to "hit the big time" and he said, "If you want to be rich and famous, Trying being rich first", and it was one of those lightning bolt moments for me. It struck such a nerve I gave up music pretty much forever almost immediately. Of course I was already trying to figure out why I was doing it, and frankly I probably wasn't as good as I thought but this isn't about me. THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER.

Ed Sheeran Got Married

Female hearts are breaking around the world with the news that Ed Sheeran got married. Well okay...eleven. Eleven hearts are breaking. Because Ed Sheeran sucks. I hope his marriage lasts longer than his music because I have a feeling his career is about to drive into a brick wall faster than a NASCAR driver that's been doing shots all day.

 I have the last known car in the galaxy that doesn't have an aux jack because it's a piece of shit and I have $7 in the bank, so I'm stuck listening to the radio. And I must've heard the same three Ed Sheeran songs literally hundreds of times and you know what? I can't remember a single one. I can't even hum the melody. I'm being 100% serious. I have no idea what this guy is going to do once all the super white-bread 20 somethings get married and have their reception this summer because once they do, demand for Ed Sheeran music is going to drop off like your take home pay after Bernie Sanders gets elected.

BREAKING NEWS

Working on some big, big, BIG news for later.

Halle Bailey is the Chosen One

Halle Bailey has been picked to play Suzie Mermaid or whatever her name is, in the live action version of The Little Mermaid and some people are FrEAkInG out. I honestly don't know why, she seems nice enough and she's pretty. In fact, I'm just catching up with this story and for the last week I thought everybody was saying Halle Berry. As far as I'm concerned, Halle Berry can do whatever she wants but my first thought was, "Isn't she a little old to be portraying a teenaged mermaid?" Once again I'd like to make it clear that Halle Berry can do whatever she wants even if it's sailing the Seven seas. Wait a minute, what was I talking about? I lost my train of thought about five minutes ago.

One of the Olivias is 39

One of the Olivias turned 39 on Wednesday. I don't know which one she is, and I'm not looking to see because what possible difference could it make.

Hugh Grant Wears Shorts

Hugh Grant wore shorts in Capri. That was the whole basis for this story. They described the aforementioned shorts as blue. The story went on to say his wife was "leggy". People actually get paid to write this stuff, can you believe it? It can't be much though, I mean how much do they pay the orangutans to write about Hugh Grant's blue shorts? A banana? Two bananas? Judging by the awful writing and grammar, I can only assume that it's some kind of great ape writing this garbage. Hey look at this, I just did it for free so I think these websites are getting ripped off.

Gotta Get a Rolls

Kylie Jenner got a new trash car to go along with her trash lifestyle. I bet Rolls-Royce Motor Cars is thrilled.The dealership probably threw in some thick gold chains and some blunts for free.

Halsey Loves Bathrooms

I don't "get" Halsey. Does she even perform her "music" anymore? Or is she just a desperate Instagram model now. Because that's really the only kind of story I ever see about her. And she's always posing for these pictures in shitty bathrooms . It's so weird. Are people still suggesting she's African-American? It's such a bizarre world we live in today. It's totally baffling. People just decide one day they're whatever they are and people say..."Okay". Kind of like when your 6 year old says they're an astronaut. Like yeah sure, NASA is going to let a six year old fly the space station. Little idiots.  I'm not really affected by this stuff because I'm an adult that can sort this kind of nonsense out in my head but if you have kids, especially little kids, they are fucked. Anyway, this kind of behavior from a "musical superstar" is not something you want to see. I'm no psychiatrist, hell, I'm not even a dentist,  but I fully expect to see a headline about Halsey someday soon, and it isn't going to be a good one. I hope somebody is keeping a real close eye on her.

John McCririck is Magical

John McCririck swears he's not dying. Possibly because he's already dead. I have absolutely no idea who he is, I just saw his picture and I was like "what the fuck?" He's some kind of racing "pundit" but it wasn't made clear what kind of racing. Car? Motorcycle? Horse? Those races where they put numbers on those little sausage dogs and they all run down the track and crash into each other sometimes? Isn't that cute?

Simon Cowell Isn't Reanimated

Alan Thicke's reanimated corpse stepped out of a limousine at a party somewhere, and you better believe he was dressed for cuttin' a rug. I'm kidding, that's Simon Cowell. I don't know what he was doing. Probably yelling at someone for losing all the buttons on his shirt. Boy, I sure hope somebody got fired.

Lil Mosey is Hot

I was going to write about some low level rapper that's calling himself Lil Mosey that had a hit song called "Noticed" -- at least I think that's what they said it was called (Number 80 on the Billboard 100) -- that made him successful enough to buy a 13 year old BMW and still have about $1800 in cash left over but I decided to not do that. You may want to rethink that BMW boss. They don't call most German cars "Hitler's Revenge" just because it's catchy.

Happy Fourth

Happy Independence Day. See you tomorrow. Or Saturday. Maybe. I'm a wild card.

Vanessa Morgan Got Engaged

Riverdale "star" Vanessa Morgan got engaged to Michael Kopech. Riverdale, Vanessa Morgan, and Michael Kopech are all things that currently exist in the universe. Good luck you two. Make sure you get him a tie for the wedding. You know, in case you decide to invite some grown ups.

!!BREAKING CELINE DION NEWS!!

Celine Dion wore the necklace Kate Winslet wore in Titanic and this is a huge deal apparently. I shrugged so hard I broke my collar bone,  but I guess some people need stuff to get excited about. Especially if they're stupid. She wore it over her "I heart Paris Hilton" shirt, which of course requires no explanation.  There is so much wrong in this one story I don't even know where to begin so here's 10 bucks just forget you saw anything.

Chris Hemswroth Buys a House

Chris Hemsworth built a house. A "$20 million" dollar house. It's massive no doubt about it, but $20 million? Something is always super fishy about these stories. Chris Hemsworth is wealthy for sure. $90 million dollars wealthy. I assume that probably isn't $90 million in cash under a mattress somewhere. Can he write a check for $90 million dollars? Maybe, I don't know how being wealthy works, but I can't imagine it's wise to spend one quarter of all the money you have on a house in Byron Bay Australia, a town with less than 30,000 people living there. He couldn't build a giant house on 400 or 1000 or 5000 acres of land for $5 million? That's all Australia is. Land. Have you ever seen Mad Max? There's nothing for hundreds of miles in every direction, and that's even before you get to the middle of nowhere.

 It can't be a real estate investment thing, it ain't New York. You'd have to find somebody that can spend $20 million dollars on a house, that wants to live in Byron Bay, Australia. There maybe be 2500 people on the entire planet that can buy a $20 million dollar house, and I can't imagine one of them wakes up one day and says to themselves, "Hey I have an idea! Let's move to the jungle!" Australia is one of the few places outside the US on Earth that I want to visit, and Byron Bay is a fine place I'm sure, but c'mon. So I always take these types of stories with a super huge grain of salt. It's possible that it's all true who knows. Maybe he's just trying to piss all his money away before he drops dead. Is he sick?? Oh my god Chris Hemsworth is dying! That's right, you read it here first folks. Godspeed Superman.

Another Kardashian Goes Out

One of the other Kardashians went out to dinner. I'm not sure which one though, I labeled the picture "Kardashian" yesterday so don't ask me, it may as well have been 100 years ago. Maybe she's a Jenner who knows. This Kardashian/Jenner cockroach went out with one of her dim bulb friends and they both took their gigantic, disgusting asses to dinner, and of course they're dressed like they're going to the Babylon Club from the 1983 movie Scarface because they're so stylish and classy. Watch out for the guys in the shiny shark skin suits they're always real players.  It'd be a shame if they did too much cocaine and their hearts stopped. What a loss to the planet that would be.

Lil Nas is Gay

Some rapper named Lil Nas X who I'm sure is popular with all the kids came out as being gay. Which explains the cowboy hat.

One of the Kardashians Goes Out

One of the Kardashian pigs went out to dinner in a dress you wear while you're having sex, with her totally non-gold digging friend Larsa Pippen at some fancy, hip restaurant in California. Or wherever these morons all live. I get so sick of these fucking trash people. Worse yet, I'm even more sick of the nitwits that look up to them. And they're out there by the millions believe me.  "Did you see Kourtney went out in her nightgown?!" And before you know it, There's a run at every Target for their new line of "Shitty Lingerie for Eatin' In". Jesus I really need a new hobby.