Kate Middleton Parties

There was a story about Kate Middleton and Prince Ed or whatever his name is, that had something to do with a fight they had? I think? I have no idea. She's pretty hot. Look at her in her disco sequins, man alive. That picture is the whole reason I wrote this by the way. I just don't get what makes that guy so attractive. I mean besides the fact that he comes from a 900 year old family with a billionaire mom that lives in a castle, I mean seriously, what the fuck, women can be so shallow

Kodak Black Sends a Message

Kodak Black is serving a 46 month sentence for something I'm sure he didn't do, and yet, he somehow manages to have a Twitter account that he seems to actually use. That's how he sent this little gem... 

'If The President Them Free Me , I’m Gonna Spend 1 million on Charity within The First Year I’m Out. That’s on Everything ‼️'

He's since deleted it, probably because he was unhappy with the grammar. Or maybe he didn't want everyone IN THE PRISON to know he was on Twitter? I honestly can't say. Whatever the case may be, if you have tattoos on your face, prison is probably the best place for you.   

Lil Yase Dead

Hey! Guess what! A rapper got shot and killed!

 Lil Yase -- an up-and-coming Bay Area rapper -- was shot and killed this weekend in what amounts to a mysterious murder with no explanation thus far

Somebody shot and killed the guy in that picture waving a gun around. How mysterious. Maybe they should call Scooby Doo and his gang and ask them to investigate. 

 I'm not linking back to any of my previous stories about dead rappers, there are simply too many, and linking back to 15 stories is a lot of work so I'll link this instead.  There are links in the stories if you care. There's also a search bar in the upper left hand corner you can use if you're so inclined. It makes my life easier and that's the important thing.

Anne Hathaway is Learning

Anne Hathaway talked about a lot of nonsense about what she did with her kids or something during "lock down". First of all, you morons need to stop with the buzzwords. I know this makes you feel like you're part of something bigger - Masks! Lock Downs! Covid! -  but if that's what you need, go join a cult, because you're starting to annoy the Hell out of me. And secondly,  Anne Hathaway's husband wears a scarf like that because of course he does. I bet he also talks about how New York was better in the 70s when it was dangerous, and likes to pretend he hangs around in used book stores with Richard Dreyfuss. 

Anyhoo, back to Anne Hathaway. Here's what she learned... 

When asked what has been the biggest challenge as a mother, the Hollywood A-lister said: 'During the lockdown? Can I curse? The f**king laundry!'   

I'm always hesitant to frame things in the realm of challenges because I think it sets a tone. As a mum, I've found tonnes of opportunities,' she said.

She said "mum". I guess lock down made Anne Hathaway British too, so that's weird.  Or maybe she is British. Is she? I thought she was from New York. Maybe she lives in Britain now. She went on and on about stuff she learned, and how her husband is terrible in bed (probably) and a few other things but I was skimming the interview by that point so who knows what the Hell she was talking about. I rarely think about Anne Hathaway at all. Not even when I'm alone in "that" way. Hey I'm just being honest.

Kate Hurley?

Wait a minute. The woman on the left is Elizabeth Hurley's sister?  That's what Elizabeth Hurley says, and she's never lied to me before. Jesus Christ. I can find very little information about her beside the fact that her name is Kate. And she's 57 years old. Two years older than Elizabeth. Okay I didn't look very hard, honestly I was distracted. There's a very odd dearth of information about her. I looked for Kate Hurley on Instagram and there are about 500 of them and none of them appear to be her. So here's what she should do. Her and Elizabeth should give me a call. We can all sort this out together. It'll be fun!

Elizabeth Hurley. The Fall Back Position

Elizabeth Hurley was in a bikini. Again. I know I said I wasn't going to write about this poor woman anymore but you're not my mom. Frankly, it's hard to believe she's 55 years old.  I've been hard on her about her Instagram account in the past because Elizabeth Hurley's only interest seems to be Elizabeth Hurley, but I guess that's what Instagram is for. At least she's Elizabeth Hurley, I don't know I'm trying to find some reason why this is acceptable I mean, just fucking look at her. Hey man look, it's the Friday after Thanksgiving I'm doing the best I can.

The "Weeknd" is Sad

The "Weeknd" didn't get nominated for a Grammy and he's very upset saying... 

"(The Grammys) remain corrupt” and “owe me, my fans and the industry transparency.”

That's a shame. Maybe your music isn't good. But I wouldn't know I've never heard it and I never will as long as I live. I'm sure I could make this post a lot longer but I have even less interest in this than I usually do.

Lori Loughlin is Unhappy

Lori Loughlin isn't happy, like, at all...

 Loughlin is missing her family after phone calls were slashed to three a week to ensure social distancing and personal prison visits suspended due to the worsening infection rate in Alameda County – family access had been due to resume on October 15.

Other Covid restrictions mean the women are confined to their four-person cells and banned from working, while showers have also been reduced to three times a week.

Food now consists of a monotonous diet of dry cereal and fruit for breakfast and grab bags containing peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch and dinner.

Despite the lack of things to do, prisoners are still woken at 5am when the lights switch on automatically and are expected to be ready for a headcount with their beds made by 6.30am.

Wow. That's really awful. It sounds almost like she's being punished for something. I've never been to prison (at least that you're aware of) and what's described up there really doesn't sound all that bad. At least not compared to what I've heard about men's prisons, about which I won't go into much detail because I'm sure we've all heard the stories. I don't have a plan to exit from this story that I don't care about at all so I'll link a video here that you should watch.   .

Ryan Reynolds Sets Off Alarms

 

 

(Editor's note: I think I've made it abundantly clear that I don't like Ryan Reynolds. So I'm not writing about him anymore)
 

 

I see stories about Ryan Reynolds a lot. I've even written about him before mostly because I know women like him so I do it for them, but I think he's a smarmy asshole. I don't know why I get that feeling but it's just one of those examples of meeting someone and the hair on the back of your neck stands up. he's probably a nice guy in real life it's just a feeling I get. Don't ask me to explain it, I'm not an evolutionary biologist. By the way this was originally about some movie he's making so I'll post more information about this upcoming movie just as soon as Hell freezes over

Mark Ruffalo Collects Shopping Carts

I don't think I've ever written anything about Mark Ruffalo but he's in that new Ryan Reynolds Netflix movie I just talked about. He plays Ryan Reynolds' dad or something?  So there you go I've now written about Mark Ruffalo.  It's good to see movie companies give the mentally challenged a job and a chance to live a more fulfilling and independent life. 

Crown Princess of Hotness

Mary the Crown Princess of Denmark went to some children's charity thing or something. What is the deal with these royal people always helping children? What has a child ever done for you besides break your brand new huge bay window while they were playing baseball, or maybe put a huge dent in your brand new car when they were riding their bike on the sidewalk? Nothing, that's what. I wrote this mostly to say if there weren't cameras pointing at this woman 24 hours a day she'd cheat on her husband. You can totally tell just by looking at her. Seriously, I know these things, and I'd just like her to know that if she ever needs someone to talk too, I'm always just a Signal text away.

Ben Affleck Huge if True

Ben Affleck is slowly outgrowing his mask. If somebody doesn't do something soon, the guy is going to be 18 feet tall and then we'll all be in trouble. 

Jennifer Aniston is Fit

 I didn't write anything today, I was too busy having a life. Sorry. But if you really need something, here's Jennifer Aniston doing yoga. It's an ad for something, probably that drink in the corner but I can't enlarge the photo to check, like I said, I'm a very busy man.

Draya Michele is Somebody

 

Draya Michele put on her classiest, shiny dress and went out somewhere. I think she went out to dinner but it was more likely a belated Halloween party. I'm not sure if she's supposed to be a fishing lure or what. She's 35 years old now, so I'd say she's definitely at the upper age limit of whether or not she should be wearing a dress like that in public. That's more of a "21-23 year old" dress. Not because she doesn't have the body for it but because it's kind of juvenile.  By 35 you should be looking for something a little more... demure? Not dowdy, that's not what I mean, but maybe sexy in a "more is less" kind of way. Trust me, guys love that. It's sexier when you aren't dressed like you're trying to attract every shitheaded Chrysler 300 owner in the bar

Cybil Shepherd Seems Nice

Cybill Shepherd has a new show on Showtime. I don't get Showtime so she could just be standing there naked every week for an hour and I'd never see it.  I just thought I'd mention it in case your interested even though I know you're not. I like Cybill Shepherd though, I don't know why, I don't really know her or anything. She seems likeable I guess. She could be some horrible abusive wino for all I know I guess it's her public persona that I find appealing. Well...anyway... Go watch your new Cybill Shepherd show Mr Moneybags. 

Jack Black is Jack Black

 Jack Black is still doing this. Too bad everyone stopped caring 15 years ago

Britney Spears is Safe

Britney Spears took a private plane with her dumb ass boyfriend somewhere - Maui I think - for a vacation. Zip-a-dee-doo-dah. They arrived at the airport and were both wearing masks despite the fact that they were alone together outdoors in the Sun, and spent the last four or five hours sealed in an airtight tube in the sky with each other probably kissing and maybe even experiencing the "Mile High Club". I thought they were vacationing but who knows, maybe they're keynote speakers at the Department of Tropical Medicine and Medical Microbiology meeting in Moana at the University of Hawaii and will talk when they're not open mouth kissing each other as they speak at their conference about how infectious diseases are spread. These last few sentences are very clumsy but I'm sick of editing this nonsense so learn to deal with it

Lisa Marie Presley Will Swallow Your Soul

Lisa Marie Presley was photographed dressed as a medieval succubus on the set of her new movie "21 Days of the Plague". I'm kidding of course that's just her being normal, getting ready for her child custody hearing.  Maybe she's headed to a Bret Michaels concert at The House of Blues afterward. This is a weird thing to consider news considering people go to court for this kind of thing every single day of the year, but it is. I don't know when she married "The Prince of Whimsy" but it was three kids ago so they must've been married for a while. No reason was given for their divorce, but maybe she got tired of tripping over all of his unicycles. I think those are good enough reasons in California. Hippies.

Tamara Francesconi Proves There is a God

 This is Ed Westwick's girlfriend Tamara Francescon. That's all I really wanted to say, since I don't know who Ed Westwick is,  along with I guess I'm doing this on Saturday too (I wrote this on Saturday). I just felt obligated to share this.

The Demands of Sisyphus

 These are the types of stories I see every day. This is what I'm up against. Ever wonder why I write about Nicole Scherzinger constantly? Because there are two stories about her right at the top of this page,  just today. And they're both basically about her ass. That's what they write about when they write about her. Her ass. 75% of Nicole Scherzinger's personal net worth is apparently her ass. And this happens every day. It's the same 12 people time and time again. These assholes are photographed getting coffee and going on vacation so often, I don't know when they find the time to do actual work. 

You think this is easy? It's not. You know, this might be easier if you people were smarter but I guess that's not happening any time soon so I'll keep pushing this rock up one side of this hill just to watch it roll back down the other, because that's what my inner demons demand from me.

More Olivia

  This is the Olivia Blog now. This just makes everything easier for me because they all look the same, dress the same, go to the same places, date the same people, and do the same things. So I can just write one post, and then copy and paste it every time an Olivia shows up somewhere doing whatever it is Olivias do. At some point you have to find your groove and you fall into a rhythm and that's when your life becomes easier.

Sofia Vergara is Timeless

Sofia Vergara keeps posting "throwback" pictures of herself from her modeling days in the 1990s and early 2000s. I don't know why she's doing that, she looks mostly almost exactly like that even now.  I'm not really one to argue though, so keep up the good work Sofia. If Instagram has done anything, at least it's made the world safer for girls in bikinis. There are only five types of Instagram categories now. Mine, the "I (Still) Hate Donald Trump" account, animals with birth defects that find love, guinea pigs, and girls in bikinis.  I'm big on the animal ones and the girls in bikinis comes in a very close second place. Why second? Let's face it, there are only so many ways you can wear a bikini, and in the age of the internet, still pictures don't really do a lot for me anymore. But please, don't stop because of me. There are only so many ways to customize a motorcycle and I still love those.

Miranda Lambert Wore Pink

Miranda Lambert wore pink to the CMAs and I need to find a new hobby.

Mo3 Dead

In a shocking turn of events, rapper Mo3 was shot to death. What a surprise, I can hardly believe it. I don't know how these guys manage to buy such expensive cars and jewelry since their rap careers seem to last, on average, about three months.  I bet he probably could have run away if he wasn't wearing so much heavy jewelry. Oh well, live and learn. Or don't, I honestly don't care one way or the other.

Russell Crowe Exercises

Russell Crowe has a new girlfriend named Britney (of course) Theriot. He's 56 and she's 30. I mention their ages now, because this will be the last time I write about age differences between couples. You people seem fascinated with it, but I simply don't care who is older/younger. That is the same to me as saying Russell Crowe has a new Asian girlfriend. Who cares? What the fuck difference does it make? 

 And I honestly don't know why I bother watching what I eat, exercising, and buying clothes that don't have holes in them etc., etc. because it's pretty obvious to me at this point that women simply do not give a fuck.  Russell Crowe seems like a good dude to me but I mean c'mon. Women seem to spend an awful lot of time bitching about men for people that will date Santa Walrus for whatever reasons the voices in their heads tell them too. So start making better decisions or I don't want to hear it.

Kristin Cavallari NUDE!

I have no idea why I insist on writing about Kristin Cavallari, I mean, who really gives a fuck. I can't understand why they talk about her so much in England. Don't they have plastic blondes there? Since I'm here, she has a new boyfriend I guess. Some guy named Jeff that of course wears a baseball jacket. Why wouldn't he? They look like a couple of Standard Issue Assholes to me. Just like thousands of couples you'd see enjoying a night on the town in Chicago's River North neighborhood. Imagine a lot of super expensive bars, restaurants that are more expensive than that, dress codes from the 1990s, very limited free parking, and people from Schaumburg and Northbrook that think the only way into the city is to get off at the Ohio Street exit. Whatever. I hope your car gets towed and you have to find some way to get to Lower Wacker Drive while walking in four inch heels. Schmuck.

Asya Branch Wins My Heart

There's a new Miss America and her name is Asya Branch. No I don't know how to say her first name, and neither do you. Which won't be an issue because she wouldn't even look at a loser like you. I didn't know Miss America was still something that happened and the Miss Americas of today are way sexier than the ones from even just 20 years ago. They look more like Frederick's of Hollywood models now than those big haired weirdos from pageants of yesteryear. Okay look, I'm trying to find a way to say Asya is fucking hot as Hell while still being nice about it okay? Fuck. You guys can never take a hint.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers Can Get Arrested in Hollywood

 Jonathan Rhys Meyers was arrested for DUI after crashing into a car on Sunday. Oddly enough, Jonathan Rhys Meyers looks exactly like the kind of guy that would get arrested for a DUI on a Sunday. I'm actually surprised they didn't find a bunch of prescription pills and stolen hand tools ("My friend lent them to me I swear!") in the trunk of his car.

Kelly Clarkson Swash Buckles

Kelly Clarkson wore an eye patch on The Voice, which explains why she kept saying "Shiver me timbers" and then swung out of the studio on a chandelier and buried everyone's wallets in the homeless camp next to the sound stage. I heard she chopped off a couple of heads but that turns out to be untrue and that story was just her attempt to make herself seem more threatening to future TV studios so they wouldn't put up too much of a fight.

Doja Cat is Popular

"Doja Cat" is a rapper that hasn't been shot to death yet, and she was at the MTV EMA (?) Awards on Sunday?  Which is today, the day I'm writing this but I haven't heard anything about them so I don't know what's going on. Unless they happened last Sunday which is entirely possible.  The big news focus of course was what she was wearing, probably to appeal to people like me that would have never heard of her unless she was gunned in some asinine fight over which city, or which "coast" is better. I assume that still happens but I don't know anything anymore and my references may be terribly outdated but that doesn't matter because no one reads this garbage anyway.

Chrishell Stause is Walkin' the Dog

Chrishell Stause was out walking her dog and for some reason this is news. I'm glad it is though isn't she cute? She isn't wearing a mask and I'm so glad that Joe Biden got elected and we don't have to wear masks anymore. I saw her and my immediate reaction was she looks like Jennifer Billingsley. She was an actress that was in a bunch of movies in the 60's and 70's most notably (for me at least) CC and Company with Joe Namath. If you click here you'll see what I mean. She's a tough talking smart ass biker chick in that movie, so in other words, awesome. Where was I? Oh right Chrishell Stause. Keep up the good work  Chrishell Stause, maybe you should join The Hell's Angels or something.

Get Yours While They Last

Wow that was fast.  I imagine they were ready one way or the other, it's just smart business.  Still, $50? That seems pretty steep, and it's not like these collector things appreciate in value, you buy it because you like it. But not for $50, no way. They're just taking advantage. Or maybe it's all the sales to head trauma units and special schools who knows.  You can't violate two things, the speed of light, and the law of supply and demand. I'd explain the last one to you but I see you're wearing your helmet.

Cate Blanchett Does Things

Cate Blanchett did some things while someone took her picture. I have to be honest, since this whole Corona thing started, I haven't really heard much from these Hollywood people beyond the usual phony virtue signaling, hypocritical concern, etc., and you know what? I honestly don't miss them. I can't remember the last time I even thought of Cate Blanchett. I saw this picture and I actually said "Oh yeah her" out loud to myself. I may have put her name to her face eventually but it wouldn't have been immediate anymore. And I bet I'm far from alone. I'd say I feel bad for them but I don't. Not even a tiny bit. I guess I sort of feel bad for the deluded numbskulls that tried to make it in showbiz just as it all started but they still have an out. They're probably young and can do other things. But if a "major" Hollywood type didn't save any money, now what? I guess Home Depot is always hiring.

John Leguizamo Answers Your Questions

John Leguizamo said some stuff about the election. I bet if you try real hard you can guess what he said, maybe not word for word, but I'd bet you could probably get pretty close. I think the most surprising thing about all this is people are still asking John Leguizamo questions.

Chris Hemsworth for the Ladies

Chris Hemsworth took his shirt off because that's what Chris Hemsworth does. It wasn't made clear exactly why, maybe he had to count to 12.

President Biden?

Act fast and order your Bradford Exchange Joe Biden Commemorative Safety Helmet while you can. Protect yourself from falls and occasional violent outbursts. Supplies are limited.  Buy two and you get a free Pocket Fisherman to use in your swimming pool on those sunny days.

Cardi B is Active

Cardi B and her fingernails said she's getting up "extremely early" (so 2:30?) to vote against Donald Trump  

'I'm tired of getting upset every single time I see this man talk'

 In a weird twist of events, I was just saying that very same thing about Cardi B.

Site Update! Now with Covid!

 I got super sick last night. I don't know what it was but I'll spare you the gory details, and trust me, you don't want to know. I looked around for something to write about but there wasn't much and I really have to be in the mood to make something out of nothing so maybe I'll just go to bed. Jesus Christ Jennifer Aniston is unbelievable. If you asked me to describe a girl when I was 15 would have drawn her.