Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Lenny Kravitz Lived Here

Lenny Kravitz bought this house in 2001 for $8.95 million dollars. He sold it four years later in 2005 to some chump named Stephen Muss for $14.5 million dollars. How Lenny Kravitz ever had $8.95 million dollars to spend on a house in the first place in 2001 I have absolutely no idea. The guy is only famous six months at a time every five or six years or so but I guess that's how being famous works. Well, luckily for you it's back on the market again. And there are only three major problems with it.

1. It probably still smells like Patchouli oil and incense from Lenny's time there
2. They're now asking $25 million dollars
3. It's in Miami, Florida. Or as it's better known to people in Miami, The Detroit of the South.

Seriously. I lived there. People have this bizarre idea that Miami is classy, fun, and cool. You know that part where all the celebrities hang out and everyone is attractive and rich? Yeah that's like three blocks long. The rest of it is essentially a hot and sweaty ghetto. It was a Jungle like Hellhole years ago and I'm pretty sure it's only gotten worse since. Never mind the crime, and the chance you'll most likely be robbed and murdered if you should happen to make a wrong turn somewhere. It's unbearably hot most of the year and it rains every single day. Every day. It rains so much in fact that there were puddles in front of my house that were there for so long they had tadpoles in them. And the bugs? For starters they have giant cockroaches there. That fly. Oh sure they call them Palmetto Bugs because it's cute I guess, until you have a hummingbird sized Palmetto Bug fly right into your face then it just becomes a giant cockroach again.

And Spiders. Huge fucking spiders. This website says the Golden Silk Spider only gets to be an inch and a half long. I'm not sure why they're lying but I used to see these in their webs over the road at Black Point across the bay from the Turkey Point Nuclear Power Plant and those things were a lot bigger than an inch and a half I can promise you that. And -- let's forget about the alligators for a minute that would kill and eat you if you weren't paying attention for a few seconds and happened to wander too close to a golf course pond or one of the hundreds of terrifying canals that snake through South Florida without even using their walnut sized brain to think it over--  they have boa constrictors now that will most likely eat your pets and will eventually get big enough to eat your children. By the way, my father stayed in Miami after we left and lived there until he died of cancer. Which he probably got from living in Miami. So if you have $25 million dollars to spend my advice would be to buy a house anywhere but Miami. Try the Moon. It's much less hostile there.

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