Alexa Collins is Somebody

 

 

Alexa Collins put on some underwear and took pictures and then posted them on her Instagram.  I guess she's an ex-Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader but why anyone thinks that's important enough to make us care about this is totally beyond me.  

 Apparently it's still 1977 in England, so maybe that's why they think being a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader is so impressive. Which also explains a lot of other things about the UK

 I don't want you to get the wrong idea, she's obviously very attractive, although I personally don't find her to be all that attractive physically myself. And I might add if she has cool hobbies or a great sense of humor or saved animals or something that would go a long way but scrolling through her Instagram her only interest seems to be herself, and posing near Mercedes Benz G-Wagons and mansions to impress teenaged Pakistanis and people from Romania or wherever Facebook/Instagram is still popular. Frankly she looks exactly like any one of almost certainly a million other women on Instagram. You could replace her with any one of them and I doubt very much anybody would notice the difference.

 Trust me, I've been on Instagram since something like 2012 and the internet in general for a very, very long time, and there are just regular, every day non-celebrity girls out there that make Alexa Collins look like Ellen DeGeneres after a night of heavy drinking, the trick is for you to get a life, broaden your horizons a little bit and go find them.

Molly Sims is Pretty Fly

I saved this picture of Molly Sims about two weeks ago and don't remember why. I know she was on vacation in Mexico but I don't know why she went there, because she lives in Southern California which - and I'm not sure how much you know about geography - but that's extremely close to Mexico, and I guess you can't just wear a bikini and sit next to the pool at your mansion.

I know part of the reason I saved this because she's hot, blonde, and wearing aviator sunglasses and just like polka dots, girls in aviator sunglasses make me freak out I have zero idea why but whatever the reason is I' m glad she's ding the Lord's work.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Matt LeBlanc NUDE

 Matt LeBlanc was seen shopping in wherever he lives. Imagine it being your job to sneak-follow Matt LeBlanc around. That's why most of this shit is fake. Do you think someone in the grocery store saw him and called the paparazzi agency and they sent a photographer in a ghost busters style ambulance, running through red lights and dodging pedestrians just to take a bunch of pictures of a fat guy buying groceries? Of course not. 

Would you recognize Matt LeBlanc if you saw him in person? I bet you wouldn't. In the 1990s I once stood next to Michael Jordan - practically at the height of his fame - in a nightclub VIP room for almost 20 minutes before I noticed. Seeing famous people isn't always like you see in so many Flintstones cartoons, with women fainting and mobs of teenagers running at them with autograph books. This is all set up either by him personally, or his management, or somebody

Anyway, they said he's making a "career change" and I didn't bother to read what he's changing too but judging by the picture I'm guessing WalMart truck driver or maybe even Santa Claus

SABRINA CARPENTER NUDE LEGS

 Pudgy flash in the pan Sabrina Carpenter was in New York and she was described as "leggy" which I guess she kind of is. No mention was made why she was there, and judging by her puffy face I'd say she was probably going somewhere to eat something super salty for dinner

She did this after breaking up with her boyfriend who is obviously gayer than the male singer in the B-52s. I have no idea how women get tricked into these relationships with gay guys. I have a friend who, after getting married, having THREE kids and remodeling an entire house had her husband come home from work one day and he said, "I'm gay" and that was that. How the fuck does that even happen? I thought that only happened on shitty TV shows on CBS. I couldn't get married to a dude and pretend to be gay for years no matter how much pressure society put on me. 

Whatever it's not my life hey Sabrina be sure to tip your waiter, but not too much, this is going to be a very, very short ride for you.

JENNIFER LOPEZ LEGS FEET NUDE

 Man the titles for these posts like the one for this...post, really help boost me in the searches. You guys are a bunch of weirdos what else are you searching for? And on Google yet, not even Duck Duck Go or something. 

Jennifer Lopez definitely has legs, and from I've been hearing since the 1990s it's really her only good quality. She showed them off for her terrible new movie "Unstoppable" and I can't figure out who keeps giving this woman tens of millions of dollars to make movies nobody ever sees.  I don't even remember the name of her last movie and she already has a new one? And this after she had to cancel her entire "World Tour" before it even started due to lack of interest.  

Is she even at a premier? the professionally photo shopped images only show her standing there, she really could be anywhere and judging by these pictures she's in an empty Hilton reception hall. Unless that's where the premier is and actually, that wouldn't shock me.

Elizabeth Hurley Coming Down

Elizabeth Hurley posted this on her Instagram on Sunday and then said "Happy Sunday!" There really wasn't any other context or event, I just thought I'd let you know.

 

 

ELSA PATAKY'S FEET NUDE

 I haven't written about Elsa Pataky in a pretty long time so I figured I was overdue. As the wife of Chris Hemsworth (no known photographs) I assume she just walks around all day in the Australian Sun. Man, this woman is so hot she might not even be human. And keep in mind she'll be 50 years old soon Like within the next two years or so (Date of birth: July 18, 1976 I already got her present). Here she is on Saturday or maybe Friday who knows it's Australia and they're all fucked up down there It could also have been a week ago or tomorrow

I've written about her multiple times and I'm sure I've mentioned how she's constantly barefoot. I have no idea why you'd want to walk around in those filthy parking lots without shoes or at least some sandals. Have you ever been in a parking lot? They're full of broken glass, food you pigs just toss, those weird dental floss things, nails, bird crap you name it it's out there. Maybe it's a weird sexual thing for her, I know some of you real perverted weirdos are into dirty women's feet so who can say. The bottoms of her feet must be like horse's hooves or something. Forget about the filth, imagine how hot that pavement is after baking in the Australian summer sun all day. 

Okay I'm done talking about Elsa Pataky's feet since there are other parts of her I like a lot better.

More Age Gaps with Sean Penn

Sean Penn, 64, has a new girlfriend named Velaria Nicov and TA DAH! She's THIRTY FOUR years younger than he is. You all know how I feel about age gaps, especially when the younger of the participants is in their 30s, so I'm going to skip that scolding this time and talk about how I've been hearing for literal years how Sean Penn is a barely sentient brain stem that can barely tie his own shoes (allegedly), and is also a raging asshole (also allegedly) who's head looks like one of those apples you used to carve and dry out to make imaginary shrunken heads (that's a fact).

But Sean Penn apparently has a net worth of around $70 million dollars so maybe all that other stuff doesn't matter.  Then again this dude scored Robin Wright and Madonna when she was hot, so maybe there's something more to this a-hole than money that I don't see. Don't ask me to explain how women think

SOFIA VERGARA TOPLESS

Well... kind of topless. And I guess she took these pictures because she split from her current beau in the fall and to prove she's "single and ready to mingle".  And that's something they actually said in the original article, because I guess my Uncle Al is writing for the Daily Mail now. Here's proof...

Notably absent was her boyfriend of a year, surgeon Justin Saliman, whom she reportedly split from in the early fall.

There you have it. So if you want to be Sofia Vergara's new boyfriend, and actually see her gigantic, perfect, glistening, naked breasts in person, all you have to do is call her. And be rich. And muscular. And look like a 50 something male model from the late 1980s. If any of these describe you, go for it. I would but I'm currently involved with Elizabeth Hurley and we're going steady if my mom says it's okay.

Johnny Depp Robs the Old Cradle

 Attention everybody! Johnny Depp has a new girlfriend! Or at least that's what they're calling her. Yeah she looks like a Johnny Depp fan. If she doesn't have a bluebird tattoo on at least one of her shoulders I'll eat my hat. And she already looks like she's gone through her steampunk phase. Here's her Instagram if you want to check for me. 

They describe her as "half his age" which, numerically is probably accurate, however that also makes her 30 or 31. I know 30 year olds that travel four days a week for work (all by themselves!), have three kids, two car payments and a mortgage. So it's not as if theses two are going out for ice cream after seeing a PG movie. SHE'S IN HER THIRTIES.

When are you people going to start getting this through your thick skulls. Age gaps mean nothing. Would I have dated a 40 year old woman when I was 23? Yes. I would have. And as a matter of fact I did. Is that why this doesn't bug me? Because I have experience with this?  She's 30 or 31 not 17. I got some news for you. If you're 35, an older man to you is in his mid to late 40s or maybe his 50's. Not 24. 

It happens, you're very nearly middle aged now. Most people only live to be 80 or so (if you're lucky).  

I admit they didn't seem to make as big a deal about their age difference this time and maybe that's because she is in her 30s as opposed to being a 21 year old cosmetology school drop out like somebody named Leo seems to chase after. Either way, it's time for you shit birds to grow up a little.

Kendra Wilkinson Squeezes Back into Dating

Kendra Wilkinson has been trying top get on some "high-end" celebrity (?) dating app called Raya and she's been waiting for four years. I can't imagine why they haven't approved her..

"It's hilarious because the universe is talking to me. I tried to get on Raya and it's been four years on the waiting list,' I swear to God and they will not let me in. So the universe is basically saying, "We're not ready for you. Dating world, Kendra is not coming in. You better, you better wait an extra five years."'

 I put on my thinking cap and figured it out but I think I'll keep that supersized chicken nugget meal of an answer to myself. Best of luck Kendra have fun dating weirdo Hollywood actors. Or at least the not gay ones. Eventually

Eva Longoria Update

 

 

Eva Longoria talked about why she "fled" America and if I didn't think she was one of the hottest women on Earth I wouldn't care if she knew the answer to eternal life. I saved this picture last week so I've long since forgotten what she said and it doesn't matter anyway because they'll ask her again in two weeks since it doesn't seem like she has anything else of any interest to say. Good you live in Spain. Good for you. I hear they have good tacos there.

She's still smoking hot though so it all sounds like music to me.

WARNING WARNING

 I'm not sure what exactly in this post is "sensitive material" but that's what happens when you raise your kids to be a bunch of intolerant, prudish, puritanical nut bags. Imagine being - let's say 25 or younger - and finding anything written there "offensive". The whole world is going to be in a lot of trouble soon.

Lindsay Lohan Ages Gracefully

Lindsay Lohan went to her plastic surgeon and said, "Make me look like a 48 year old mother I'd like to know  prong star" (editor's note: edited for your safety) and he did. You have to admit he or she is good at their job, and it's not like I'm not complaining. She's 38 years old now anyway so its really not that much of a stretch. Just further proof that my theory that women get better looking after 35 is correct.

By the way, the page where I steal these from is so ad heavy and has so many auto-play videos in the sidebars that it hangs up my PC for extended periods of time so I had to close the site before I found out where she was or what she was doing. Let's face it nobody cares anyway.

Chloe Fineman is Somebody

 In case you weren't aware, Chloe Fineman is on SNL. I'm glad I saw this story because if I hadn't, I might have gone my entire life without ever knowing her name or hearing anything about her, or know she existed.

I imagine being on SNL these days is like being a librarian at some fancy school or something somewhere. You get to stand around drinking wine with people that have sweaters draped across their shoulders and they all discuss "books" and about how they imagine it would be good for people that aren't them to volunteer for various things while they all sound like Thurston Howell when they talk.

Oh and by the by Elon Musk made her cry (eye roll emoji)...

Fineman said that Musk had been brutally critical of her work during a late night writing session. 

'You made I, Chloe Fineman bust into tears because I stayed up late writing a sketch, I was so excited, I came in, I asked if you had any questions and you stared at me like you were firing me from Tesla and were like 'It's not funny.'''

That!? That's what made her cry? He didn't threaten her, her didn't try to get her removed from her job?  He didn't buy the orphanage where she grew up and bulldoze it to the ground so he could replace it with a toxic waste dump? By the way, Chloe Fineman is apparently 36 years old and not 11 like I originally thought despite the fact that she cried because somebody criticized her. 

I don't know how you could be simultaneously tough enough to be a comic in supposedly super tough New York, and having some guy you don't really know make you cry by saying something you wrote wasn't funny. But I suppose that's the world we live in today

Get Out the Vote

 Imagine spending six months saying everybody has to vote and so then they do, but they vote for the wrong guy

Cardi B is Fed Up

 What is she going to do, drug them and steal their wallets?  I knew a half dozen Cardi Bs when a girlfriend managed a "gentleman's club". If she hadn't bumbled her way into whatever it is she does now, she'd be spending her weekends bailing her boyfriend out of jail and getting arrested for shoplifting baby clothes from WalMart.

Chloe Grace Moretz Just Made Herself More Interesting

 Good news everybody! Chloe Grace Moretz is gay now. I don't know why people announce this kind of thing since honestly no one cares, but on the other hand it gives me something to write about. And I suppose it makes someone that you never think about more interesting. They called her "The Carrie star" and when they say that I assume they mean the one you never saw from almost 15 years ago and not the one from 1976. 

The original Carrie was only sort of okay I guess. I saw it once a long time ago so I barely remember it but it has John Travolta in it so that's something. Plus The Greatest American Hero is in it too. 

Like I said I don't remember much about the original, but the Carrie from that one was kind of a babe so I don't know why nobody asked her to the prom.

 If I'm correct it's a Stephen King story so I'm sure there's a lot of implied weirdness about (his) sexual hangups, (his) bad relationships with his mother, how he hates religion etc., etc.,  yadda yadda.... You know, the kind of thing he's been writing about for 60 years.

Anyway I'm getting sidetracked here. Here's what Chloe had to say about being free to say she's gay or whatever...

 I believe the government has no right over my body as a woman, and that the decisions over my body should come ONLY from myself and my doctor,' she added. 'Kamala Harris will protect that for us. 

'I believe in the need for legal protections that protects the LGBTQ+ community as a gay woman,' Moretz continued.

'We need protections in this country and to have access to the care we need and deserve.'

 Good. The white 28 year old millionaire (I assume she's a millionaire) needs more protections. I'm not sure from what, but at least she's fighting her pretend war for them. She also said the healthiest relationship she's seen is the one her gay brother (Joey Brace Moretz?) was in, so he's gay, she's gay, every one is gay so we're all gay now, which is nice I've always wanted better abs

Ryan Reynolds and Martha Stewart are in Love

 Cool. The two most annoying people on Earth are feuding. With any luck they'll end each other and we can all move on

Beyonce Rocks

 Beyonce dressed like Prince for Halloween. I don't get everyone's obsession with Prince, I remember Prince, I also remember not liking Prince when he was alive, but the guy dropped dead, and all the sudden he was this musical genius that was the greatest guitar player that ever lived? I guess people that think that haven't heard many other guitar players. He was a better guitar player than me but that's not saying much.

I think it was because he died out of the blue like that, and everyone freaked out because it was unexpected. There's probably some kind of psychological reason for it but I don't know or care enough to try to find out. I think most people just say they loved Prince so they can get praise from other people that say they love Prince, sort of a virtue signaling band wagon.

Here's a little test. Next time someone says they love Prince, ask them to name even one song that wasn't Purple Rain, I would Die 4 You, 1999, or Little Red Corvette then sit back and watch the information flow.

Marry Me Eva Longoria

 

 I was going to write how Eva Longoria "left" Hollywood to move to Spain but I was mostly interested in Eva Longoria in what looks like a a wedding dress so I pretty much forgot about everything else. 

I'm sure Spain is a very beautiful place to live if you have $50 million dollars in the bank and you aren't eating apples and rhubarb that you have to buy from some guy walking with a fruit cart that's being pulled by a donkey. I very, very briefly entertained the idea of moving to Belize after a visit there, but quickly realized that it's basically a pretty beach that's surrounded by an insect and jaguar filled jungle and you can't just get in your car and go to a WalMart to buy milk. You might have to actually milk a cow for that, like you live in WWII or something. There is no Home Depot, you don't get to just run to the Ace Hardware because you need a screw, you my friend, are on your own. Oh and you better buy a weekly subscription to Off! insect repellent because you're gonna need it. Do you want to wind up in a hospital in Belize? Even after all the BS stuff you read about "U.S. Healthcare system"... Trust me. You don't. Unless you like being treated for witchcraft with leeches.

People that live in America that have never left America and say "we need to be more like Country X" really have no idea how good they have it here.  I've had friends that have moved to various countries all around the world and guess what, they ALWAYS, come back. 

Despite what people on the internet tell you, immigration to the US is all one way. They're coming here, not going there. So get your shit together and grow up

Joy Corrigan is Standard

 

 

 Yesterday was Halloween so that means every B-List model and actress overloaded the Frederick's of Hollywood website for the last 30 days ordering their "sexy veterinarian's assistant" costumes. I honestly don't know how Joy Corrigan dressed up like a cheerleader looks any different than she usually does the other 364 days out of the year. That's probably what she wears to the grocery store on Thursdays.

Seriously, the whole Halloween "sexy whatever" costume trend means absolutely nothing now that hot women are walking around like this in public for no reason pretty much every day. So as usual you shit birds found a way to ruin what used to be a good thing

Johnny Depp is Cool (?)

 Johnny Depp dressed like a Batman villain for some reason but I've long since forgotten what he was doing or where he was. Johnny Depp actually seems pretty cool plus he was in "Private Resort" so I'm not going to just make up a bunch of shit about him to fill space here even though I'm trying to get back into posting here more. Oh the things I do for you people

Shawn Mendes is Confused

 

I'm no super genius but finding out Shawn Mendes might be gay doesn't exactly shock me to my core...

"Since I was really young, there's been this thing about my sexuality, and people have been talking about it for so long," he told the crowd, per a clip shared by a fan on TikTok. "I think it's kind of silly, because I think sexuality is such a beautifully complex thing, and it’s so hard to just put into boxes."

Straight guys don't say shit like that. They just say "I like girls". Then they have a roadie hand out a bunch of backstage passes to girls they see in the audience. This isn't a Flash Gordon cliffhanger where everyone is guessing what happens next.

 I've written about this guy three times before and each time he's out wandering around in forest preserves with his shirt off,  or wearing loafers with no socks, so I don't think you need to call Scotland Yard to solve this big mystery

 

Hugh Jackman Coming Out

Hugh Jackman's new autobiography is set to be released soon and his friends say he's nervous...

 'He's nervous, of course, because he's always had his characters or his family to hide behind,' a source told Woman's Day.

'He's never felt like this real hardman he's made out to be and he's worried his natural-born geekiness will ruin his image,' they added, before admitting many of Hugh's circle are concerned for him.

'Honestly, we've all been a bit worried about him. He's been so focused on Deb and the kids and making sure they're all taken care of in this divorce, that he kind of got lost there.'

Fans have speculated what the big revelation in the memoir might be, and the source has claimed that Hugh is much more comfortable now that things with ex-wife Deborra, 68, have stabilized.

Fan speculation? You don't have to be Sherlock Holmes but I do realize most people actually don't actually care about Hugh Jackman. I 100% wouldn't even be reading or writing about this if this "hobby" didn't keep dragging me back.

Anyway, what's the "fear"? What are they so worried about? He's gay (probably). Big fucking deal, he's an actor that performs in Broadway musicals why is everyone surprised? I'm sorry but Hugh Jackman looks gay. Nobody cares. My gay friend J.D. cares though I bet. I can tell you he's been waiting for this announcement and he already has a one way ticket to New Zealand or where the fuck this a-hole is from. GO GET HIM J.D.

Tiffany Blows Up

 Remember Tiffany? Tiffany of 1980's shopping mall concert tour fame? Well she was out walking around, not for exercise but probably for more pie or something.  To be fair she is 52 years old now. 

Listen... I don't want to continue writing about this okay? I'm sure she's probably very nice but she was "famous" nearly 40 years ago and seriously, nobody cares.

Jack Crealish is Someone

 

Jack Grealish is a person that got a new £150 (whatever that is) haircut. I'm not sure who he is, or why anyone on Earth cares about this in the slightest, but I saw it - even if I didn't read anything about it - and figured I hadn't written anything in a while and so here you go. Pretty cool huh?

Shania Twain Flies High

 Shania Twain decided to give up being a country music superstar to focus on her new career as a stewardess for TWA in 1966. Personally, I feel like this is a good career move. Oh sure it pays a lot less but I'd think it's mostly stable, mostly anonymous work. I think it'll be good for her. Godspeed Shania

Who Cares About Olivia Nuzzi

 

I don't get it, who gives a fuck who this woman is sexting or sleeping with. I'd never even heard of her before a week ago. And so she likes older dudes, who really gives a fuck. I'm older than her (she's 31) and I mean she seems okay and all, but I'm not in my 70s so maybe that makes your tastes change I don't know. Anyway this isn't any of our business. It really isn't And have you seen RFK Jr? The guy's a loony fruit loop all day long and always has been, but the guy -from the neck down anyway- looks 35. And don't forget he's a Kennedy and that means he has money. And a lot of it. And at the risk of sounding sexist, that changes a lot of things for A LOT of women.

Does anyone give the almost teenagers that are sleeping with Leonardo DiCaprio this much grief? It doesn't seem like it to me and I bet you don't even know any of their names.

If there's some problem with her being a reporter and doing this and there's a conflict of interest or something okay fine, you can make that argument but I see very little mention of any of that. So why don't you mind your own business, where do you live, New England in the 1600s? You bunch of puritanical lunatics.

Grow up, stupid assholes.

More Katy Perry News

 Katy Perry has a new album coming out that you won't buy called 143. She thought the best way to sell it was to hide her saggy tits behind a revealing top. but I have a feeling that's not really going to work very well this time. 

Just get the boob job. You'll be 40 years old in a few weeks, you have half a billion dollars in the bank and your entire career depends on the way you look. Why do you want to "age gracefully" anyway I just do not get it. Your entire early career was based on your tits, and now you want to abandon them like that? Why? No loyalty that's why

Ashley Roberts is Shiny

 Ashley Roberts is someone I've almost certainly written about before and can you blame me? She was a "former Pussy Cat Doll", whatever that is and got dressed up to celebrate her 43rd birthday and of course posted all about it on her Instagram.  Believe me, the sparkly dress and disco heels are fine by me. 

The only potential problem I can see is, I can almost guarantee that even at 43 years old she wound up wearing a tiara at some point in the night and all the disco heels and tiny dresses won't make up for that. 

I'm sorry Ashley maybe we should see other people.

Justin Theroux is Trendy

 Justin Theroux put on his best Ska outfit and took his shiny new fiance Nicole Bloom shopping for some new Suicide Girl outfits. You know, a lot of red and black checkered skirts, Doc Martens and Ramones t-shirts that kind of thing. I guess when you trade in an old model (Jennifer) and get a shiny new one (Nicole) you try to change things up a little. Not him though, he's going to see  No Doubt, and The Smoking Popes in a couple weeks

Cardi B Goes Shopping

 The Cardi B freak show took her gigantic malformed ass and went shopping for Gucci and Yves St Laurent bags to keep all of her cognac bottles in. I hope she doesn't get more than will fit in the trunk of her Hellcat Challenger.  

I haven't really heard much from or about her in a while and it mostly feels like she's starting to drift out of Earth's orbit like Voyager on it's way to Pluto, and points beyond. And that's a good thing. Godspeed Space Girl!

 

Jennifer Aniston is Back

 Jennifer Aniston looks mostly normal again now thank God. She was at the Emmys or something I don't know, there are way too many of these award things to even keep track of these days. I hope she won a trophy the same way she won my heart or whatever.

Katy Perry Keeps on Keepin' On

 Katy Perry performed at the MTV Video Music Awards which is a thing that I honestly didn't know still happened. And I swear I heard somewhere a couple of years ago that MTV was going off the air. I absolutely know I did. But maybe that's just that Mandela Effect everyone is always talking about. 

Katy Perry will be 40 in a few weeks, doesn't she feel silly? It's not as if she doesn't have money so she doesn't have to keep doing this like some kind of trained seal. She's performing mostly to an audience that isn't even old enough to buy cigarettes never mind beer, and a lot of them probably weren't even born yet or were barely alive when her first song was released. She's nearly twice the age of the latest flash in the pan Sabrina Carpenter. But I suppose if this is the only job you've ever known you just keep doing it, and age never really becomes a factor. If you meet a 60 year old welder you don't think, "Geez, aren't you a little old to be a welder?" no he's just a welder, that's what he does. 

And she's still married to Orlando Bloom although why she'd keep doing that is a mystery to me too. Maybe they're weird swingers or something and that keeps them going

Jennifer Lopez Shines

 I saved this picture of Jennifer Lopez where they said she dressed like this to show Ben Affleck what he was missing. Ben Affleck was married to Jennifer Lopez. Twice. I'm pretty sure he knows what he's missing

There's an old saying... "Show me the hottest woman in the world and I'll show you some guy that's sick of fucking her"

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that saying was invented specifically for Jennifer Lopez.

Reese Witherspoon NUDE

 Reese Witherspoon has a new boyfriend. I didn't see what his name was but I bet it's Nerdlinger Von Nerdmeister. I didn't even know she was single. I did scan enough of the story to find out he's a German "financier", which you can pretty much tell just by looking at him. If I was casting a WWII movie and needed a prison camp commandant he'd be my number one pick.

My main question is, where do you even meet a Reese Witherspoon? It's not as if they met on a movie set or anything right? What did he do bump into her a couple of times at the grocery store or something? It's not as if I might just bump into Elizabeth Hurley at the car wash. I guess this will forever be one of life's mysteries.

!!!SEXY UPDATE!!! I guess his name is Oliver Haarmann which makes 100% sense. He even looks like an Oliver Haarmann

Meal LeBlanc Goes Car Shopping

 Matt LaBlanc went to Van Nuys California to pick up a new car and probably stopped for some McDonald's on his way home. I don't know which car he bought but he for sure got two double Big Mac meals would be my guess.

PARIS HILTON TOPLESS BOOBS

 

They said Paris Hilton did a "topless" photo shoot despite the fact that that's just mostly a play on words. I have no idea why she did this or who cares about her at this point, all of this Paris Hilton stuff people in England seem so constantly amazed by is simply baffling. I've mentioned that she's kind of hot and got hotter as she's gotten older, and I dig that 70s vibe she has going on in these pictures but... so what? Seriously there are plenty of hotter women, some I even know in real life, I just don't get it. Maybe she's a good person or has a great sense of humor, but honestly I have no idea, I don't think I've ever even heard her speak and you'll never make me.

Heidi Klum Grows as a Person

 Heidi Klum showed up at the "America's Got Talent Quarter Finals" like that's a real thing. Quarter finals? Spare me. The important part of this story is how hot she looked. I'm going to say something a little shocking but you have to believe me, I mean this in the best possible way. Brace yourselves...

She looks like she put on just a tiny bit of weight

HOLD YOUR WATER FREAKS. It is possible to be too skinny and she was borderline for a while. And yes I can comment on her appearance because her appearance is her whole job. Not being able to say she looks good or bad is like saying a doctor's skill as a surgeon has started slipping. His entire reason for existing is surgery, the same way you know who she is by how she looks. 

For a while there she looked like the stick figure from that game Hangman you played as a kid with two grapefruit glued to her chest.

And she looks super smoking hot though so it's not as if I'm being mean or anything and besides, when I said that I mean she looks better, not worse. Most normal guys don't want to sleep next to a woman that feels like a golf bag full of nine irons at night. And really it's not as if she's actually fat or anything she just looks better. 

By the way, I like her necklace too. It just does something for me

Jennifer benfleck and Ben Marquez BIG NEWS

 You wonder why I've been writing so sporadically? How would you feel if you had to read about these two insufferable a-holes day in and day out. Who could possibly give a fuck about these two. I don't even know the last movie Ben Affleck was in, and Jennifer Lopez had to cancel her entire "world tour" because of a lack of ticket sales, so obviously I'm not alone in this. 

 

I'll look for something later today but if I were you, I wouldn't hold my breath.

Ashley Roberts Travels

 Ashley Roberts went to the world famous Dirt Beach in Greece where apparently you have to rent Lovesac furniture so you can pretend to be having a good time. We have beaches right here in America you know. If you feel like you need to go somewhere exotic you can go to Hawaii. You have to fly across an ocean to get there and if a pan handler kills you for the .45 cents in your pocket, and a cellphone they can't use, at least you'll already be on American soil, so your (I assume) devastated family won't have to fly your body all the way back from whatever early 20th Century Mediterranean hellhole they're keeping your body in a tub full of ice so you don't decompose in the sweltering late summer heat 

Anyway, I guess she wore a bikini yadda yadda yadda.

Jeremy Allen White Nude for the Ladies

 In case you're sick of never ending posts about women in their 30s, 40s and 50s walking around in bikinis, I thought I'd add Jeremy Allen White for a change. The things I do for you people. So if you like dudes with abs that look like someone grafted an opossum head on a human body boy are you in luck.

If you bring him home just make sure you strap down the garbage can lids and keep some meal worms handy.

Tina O'Brien is Elderly

 

They said Tina O'brien from Coronation Street (??) "showed off her youthful figure"... Tina O'Brien is 41. People routinely live to be 100 years old now. The average lifespan for a woman in the USA is 84 years. Average meaning at least half live even longer than that. Tom Brady won a Super Bowl in 2021 when he was older (43) than her playing a game so violent and punishing, it has an average career span of three years.  She's hot as hell I don't care if she's 71. They also showed a picture of her husband but of course he's just another standard issue shithead.

I don't know who writes these stories, who Tina O'Brien is or what Coronation Street is but if she's old, I'll take it over some stupid ass 20 year old any day of the week. Do you even remember what being in your 20s was like? Quit writing this crap for what are basically children. Let them be children

Dua Lipa Stripped of all Music

Dua Lipa's boyfriend (name unknown, no known photographs) turned 29 a few days ago so Dua dressed up like a stripper in a non-nude, no alcohol, "gentleman's club" bikini bar and celebrated by doing a striptease (?). That may or may not have actually taken place but at this point who really cares anymore.

I don't know if this woman even records music because walking around 90% naked is the only way I ever hear about her. I'm not complaining necessarily I'm just saying. 

Listen, take it from me, if you want to see really hot women naked, you do realize you're on the internet right? Like, right now, as you read this. You don't even have to buy their crappy music you can just look at them for free and they actually encourage that

Katy Perry and Carmen Electra do Things

 Katy Perry (left) showed up to promote her new album "143" somewhere this weekend, but no matter how many times I scanned the article I couldn't figure out where this took place. Carmen Electra (right) was also there for some reason but there was no mention of why that was the case either. 

I don't know why they were dressed like that but that's none of my business. Just know right now that I fully support it. I would never tell a 40 year old (Katy Perry) and 52 year old (Carmen Electra) woman how to dress, especially if they looked like that and were wearing clothes that were barely there. Even if it is a little early for Halloween. Some guys might not like it but those guys are weak and immature. 

If Katy Perry or Carmen Electra wants to dress like that while we go out to dinner at a fancy restaurant that's just fine with me. Why not all three of us? It's just an idea I'm throwing out there.

You guys can look and be jealous all you want but they're going home with me. By the way guys, I forgot my wallet I'll pay you back I swear

Jenna Ortega is It

Hollywood's latest "it" girl Jenna Ortega did something with Maureen O'Hara or Catherine O'Hara (I think Maureen is dead I could be wrong), and Monica Belucci or however you spell it in New York City that had something to do with Beetlejuice. I hate almost all sequels and will most likely never see this in a million years. Hey maybe they bring Maureen O'Hara back to life that would be pretty cool

I wonder what happens to all the other It Girls from even 12 months ago -- whose names I don't even remember -- when they bring out a new one. Do they just make stuff for Netflix and Apple TV that only assholes watch? I'm pretty sure that's exactly what happens so Jenna better be ready 24 months from now. Save some money you have to know this isn't going to last forever. You have 4 years. Tops.

Ryan Seacrest Isn't Gay

I would have bet a billion dollars that I don't have, that Ryan Seacrest was gay. When I read that headline I audibly gasped in the room and I was by myself

KYLIE JENNER BREAST PHOTOS

 In case you forgot, Kylie Jenner wanted to remind you that she has tits. I refuse to read why she did this, probably because nobody was paying attention to her would be my guess. Well... good job having tits I guess. Let me know when you stop being disgusting otherwise, because you may not believe this but I can tell you, most normal, average guys really don't care all that much how big your tits are

Sydney Sweeney. Again

 Sydney Sweeney was on a boat and posted what they're calling "thirst traps" on her Instagram. Isn't she engaged? To call these "thirst traps" would imply she's doing it to get attention from someone, right? Or she posted these with the ultimate goal of getting fucked. Or am I misunderstanding the phrase thirst trap? It's possible that I am, but I always understood that mean you were putting yourself out there, as they say (for sexy time). 

Which is fine believe me I do not care whatever works, works. And I noticed that's for sure.

Anyway, she's on a boat and I hate people that own boats. Only assholes, and people that drive drunk own boats. Sorry those are boat ownership rules and I'm not looking for a new lifestyle right now.