Gavin Rossdale Does Stuff

Gavin Rossdale is in the news again for some reason. He  gets talked about an awful lot for someone who's music I haven't heard since the late 1990's. I remember his band having ONE hit more than 20 years ago. Am I missing something? That question is rhetorical by the way so no need to answer.

Jessica Simpson Gives Good Hat Head

Jessica Simpson will be 40 soon and I guess she's crying about it or maybe she's happy about it. Either way she looks really good in a hat. Smoldering is what I think they they call it. Well...that's what I call that look, you can call it whatever you want I'm not your boss.

Taylor Swift Reaches New Heights

Taylor Swift said something about Glastonbury. She's sad about it. She's 5'10 did you know that? And four feet of that is legs. 

Kim Kardashian Isn't Vegan

A team of cowboys slaughtered an entire herd of cows to make some pants for Kim Kardashian. I wonder if they donated all that meat, there are a lot of hungry families around these days. I hadn't seen much of her which is a good thing. Have they put her sister in prison yet? I hope so.

Maisie Smith Blows Up

Somebody left their Real Doll out in the woods. Too bad, those things are pretty expensive. I kid, I kid. That's actually a real live human, and not at all an inflatable sex toy, named Maisie Smith. At least I THINK that's the real and not inflatable version. She's - what else - a UK reality TV person. Believe it or not I think people in the UK have to pay for their televisions kind of like cable. I may not be 100% correct about that but I don't live there so I don't need to understand how that works. Believe it or not people that don't live in your country don't have to know or care about how every minute thing works as you go through the the motions of your every day life wherever you live.  It's hard to imagine paying to watch people like this, do whatever it is they do, but they do. And evidently a lot of it too.

Site Update

I have some stuff written but I haven't decided whether I should put them up today, or just wait until Monday.  Let me think about it.


!!!SEXY UPDATE!!! I decided to wait until Monday. There are 1967 posts here you know, maybe scroll back a little, you're not doing anything else with your life.

Carrie Underwood is Still Famous

Carrie Underwood took a picture of herself in her underwear - like people do - and showed off her "gym honed abs" as they were described. I'd like to remind you, that's mostly a result of diet.  Not the gym. Do not get me wrong the gym is required, unless she looks like that naturally which is entirely possible. Don't misunderstand me, she looks awesome but she also probably goes days eating very little, if anything at all, and drinking almost no water. That's mostly how that's done. Not entirely, but that's a big, big part of it. Probably like 80% of this is diet.  By the way her closet is as big as my entire house so fuck her.

Billie Eilish is Elite

Billie Eilish unfollowed everyone on social media. I was going to write this big hilarious post about this but then I decided I didn't give a shit. Like at all.

Baby Huey Killed

31 year old rapper Baby Huey was shot and killed.

Sarah Jessica Parker is Handy

Oh look, people still write about Sarah Jessica Parker. I can't believe this woman is married to Ferris Bueller.

Elizabeth Hurley Breaks Out

Elizabeth Hurley did this. I know, I know I said I wasn't going to write about her anymore so I lied. What are you going to do about it? Nothing, that's what. Because you're a punk. And as sad as I think all of this is, what with her constantly posing for semi-naked pictures alone or with her weird kid, I have to say I wish I was her neighbor.

Chrissy Teigenn is Hilarious

Chrissy Teigen posted what they called a hilarious picture of her pet lizard on her boobs. I honestly don't know what makes this "hilarious". It would figure she has a pet lizard, I don't know why this makes sense but it does. Good job having boobs I guess. Just like 50.8% of the people in this country.  I mostly wrote this to say I'll never write anything about Chrissy Teigen again.

Wut

How this makes any sense at all is anyone's guess. If you look at this headline and think this is somehow, something that works, as if a single celled virus can discern between races, it can't. I'm truly speechless I just don't even know what to say.  I didn't even go to medical school and I'm here to tell you this makes zero sense. You people get dumber with each passing day. It's like watching a lava flow slowly moving forward, consuming everything in it's path, and there isn't a single thing in the world you can do to stop it. It's truly shocking.

Harry Styles is Somebody

Harry Styles tried out his Austin Powers Halloween costume a little early, I guess just to see if it was complete. Lookin' good Harry. I wish I was a celebrity then I could walk around looking like a giant talent less banana and people would just hand me bags, and bags of money for no reason. They say musical groups/bands etc., have a shelf life of four to six years, this guy must be coming to the end of that time no? Please?

A Brand New Week

I have a bunch of things to post, unfortunately, I kicked the coffee table by accident while I wasn't wearing shoes so they're all kind of short. But hey, something is better than nothing.

Aubrey Plaza is Walkin' the Dogs

Aubrey Plaza has the face of a girl with an attitude. And I like it.

Kate Beckinsale Drinks Alone

Kate Beckinsale threw a "socially distanced" 23rd  birthday party for her boyfriend Goody Grace.  What kind of present did she get him, one of those big lollipops? You've been fucking the guy and had your mouths all over each other (I assume), for several weeks at least, why are you pretending you need to be socially distanced now? I'm sorry but boy you people really are dumb you know that?

Christina Anstead is Somebody

Christina Anstead went for a walk with her dog and her son Brayden. I have no idea what would possess someone to name their child Brayden but she did. And that's not the weirdest part. The weirdest thing about all of this though is I actually knew a guy who's last name was Anstead, so reading that name made me flash back to high school which was the last time I saw him. I mean it isn't exactly like being named Smith or Jones. The story was mostly about her clothes and hair. Leggings, black top, hair parted down the middle...obviously I'm paraphrasing but that was basically the whole story, and it wasn't at all about John Anstead like I thought it was which was somewhat disappointing I guess but she could be him now after the operation and I just missed that part so who knows.

Pamela Anderson Naked

Pamela Anderson took her clothes off to promote her "vegan purses". I'm not sure what one thing has to do with the other but that's what she did. I didn't even know purses could be vegan. So there she is, naked. Go ahead, buy a purse. Frankly Pamela Anderson can take her clothes off whenever she wants it's all fine and dandy with me. I will say at the risk of sounding overly critical, or maybe even sexist, I'm not really a fan of her eyebrows. On the other hand it's not her eyebrows I'm all that interested in. Still that whole Tommy Lee thing still bothers me, I'm just being honest. Can you imagine dating Pamela Anderson and you find Tommy Lee's old stash of needles laying around in the back of a closet somewhere. Or maybe having to actually listen to Motley Crue and pretend it's good? Sorry Pam that's not really for me, maybe some other time.

Pierce Brosnan Almost Naked

Here's Pierce Brosnan with his shirt of in Hawaii, you know for the ladies. He's 67? I don't know if he's in good shape for being 67 because I'm a dude. I assume he is, I mean he looks alright to me. He's not in better shape than me I can tell you that much, in fact, I never take my shirt off, even in the pool.

Lewis Hamilton Lost his Shirt

Here's Lewis Hamilton (not to be confused with Laird Hamilton) with his shirt off in the gym for the ladies. He should put his shirt back on and try working on his legs for a while. Unless his nickname is Chicken Legs then he's fine.  He said he likes working out because it helps his "mental health".   So there you go, everyone is concerned about their mental health now I hope you guys like this 21st Century monster you created. That's fine, me and everyone else that can work and build things and be the backbone of Modern Society will keep doing that, and you guys can all go hold Lewis while he cries through his feelings in the corner at the gym. Again. Maybe afterward you can help straighten his man bun and go get him a coffee.

Sorry, I closed the tab too fast after I saved the picture so I don't know what he does. The picture is from that giant UK garbage dump of a site, so I'd guess he probably has something to do with reality shows. The British seem to watch nothing but reality shows and do nothing but talk about Covid non-fucking-stop. They were such an influential part of my early life and for a while I really looked up to them and thought they were cool but it's become pretty obvious these last couple of years that I was wrong the whole time. So disappointing. You know what they say, "never meet your heroes".

Amanda Holden Likes Polka Dots

Here's Amanda Holden walking around in polka dots. I have no idea why you people insist on doing this too me.  I don't even really know who Amanda Holden is except that she's 49, from the UK, and has a small birthmark at the top of her leg. Sorry I can't provide proof of that, not since she bought those blinds.

Megan Fox and Colson Baker are Dating

Megan Fox is rumored to be dating "Machine Gun" Kelly. Why she's doing that is anyone's guess, I mean the guy's real name is Colson. Maybe he's holding her mother hostage. It's said that he's a rapper but I'll have to take their word for it.  I have news for this goof, if the real Machine Gun Kelly was still alive he'd probably kill you. With a machine gun. He was called Machine Gun because his favorite weapon was a machine gun and not rhyming things or whatever it is snow white rappers do when they aren't dating rapidly fading former Hollywood starlets.

Whoopsie

Looks like that guy brought a skateboard to a gunfight.

Sara Sampaio Goes for a Walk

Someone took pictures of Sara Sampaio while she was out shopping while she was - as they describe it - "on a break from quarantine".  She's not "on a break from quarantine". You're either quarantined, or your not, you don't get to pick and chose, that's not how quarantine works. You also don't get to decide what specific words mean when they're convenient for you. If you could, my elephant transfer would be shoveled into gravy boats on the skyscraper. There's no law yet against simply saying Sara Sampaio went shopping. It's okay we all know now, you're not fooling anyone anymore with any of this.

Jason Derulo Conquers the World

Jason Derulo is suddenly all over the news these last couple of weeks, and I don't really know why. He must have a new album or movie coming out or something. In fact here he is after he pulled up to a restaurant in his lime green Lamborghini, while dressed like a Victorian end table in a funeral parlor (bow tie included), and his arm candy girlfriend Jessica Something (trust me I'm looking for her name on PornHub right now) who I can almost guarantee wouldn't even look at that bozo if he didn't have the money to buy a lime green Lamborghini. But that's just how it goes sometimes. If you want a girlfriend that looks like a Greek statue when she's naked, you just need a bright lime green car, dress like a comic book villain and $50 million dollars in the bank. Sorry I don't make the rules.

Lady Gaga Goes to Lunch

Lady Gaga tested the limits of her "stretch" pants when she got dressed in the dark to go to lunch with her boyfriend, Joe Whateverhislastnameis. Don't you people look in a mirror before you leave the house? I'm sick of this woman I have no idea why. You know, she's probably really nice or maybe she likes to save bugs or something, but just the mention of her name to me is like fingernails on a chalk board or hearing Queen music come on the radio.

Dopes

Here you go. The sparkly mask. I told you. It's like I have a crystal ball isn't it?

I'm Sorry for Everything Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow is on the cover of the new "Shape" magazine, and I hereby officially take back any negative thing I've ever said about Gwyneth Paltrow - 47 year old Gwyneth Paltrow -  and they shall never be repeated from this day going forward until the end of the universe.

Marisa Tomei Hates Being a Mom

Marisa Tomei said she regrets taking "mom roles".

'I really regret starting down this road and I really regret starting to do that,' Marisa said of shifting to roles in which she plays the mom.

She can pretend to be my mom. If you know what I mean. Nothing weird. At first.

Ashley Greene is Cute. Dumb.

Isn't Ashley Greene cute? I don't remember why she's in the news, it was probably nothing really, they had some paparazzi pictures of her laying around so they probably talked about her outfit (t-short/leggings). Once again this isn't a slam so don't take this the wrong way but she's not 33. Anyway I'm not getting into all that again it's not important. What is important is the bottom picture. Why, why, why, why, why are you walking around outside by yourself in a mask. I just do not get it. I'll overlook a lot of things but, overlooking this is getting to be far too difficult. The level of idiocy required to walk around outdoors by yourself in a mask is just an instantaneous reason for me to think less of you. That's not a joke either. You had your chance with me Ashley and you blew it with this outdoor mask nonsense. Now where will you find another internet loser that would willingly fulfill your every command and desire? Nowhere.

Kyle Richards is Somebody

Here's Kyle Richards walking to lunch. Outside by herself. Wearing a mask. See where this is going? Does she drive in her car by herself while wearing it? I don't know who she is but I just assume every "famous" woman age 35-60 with the last name Richards was probably married to Kieth Richards. Prove me wrong you can't. 

Ashley Roberts and the Polka Dots of Doom

Ashley Roberts is some soulless British reality show bimbo, I think. I honestly have no idea and I think I may have even written about her before, but I refuse to learn anything. Yes I actually have.  But okay we're going to have a problem because this whole polka dot thing seems to be happening. I realize those aren't actually dots but it's close enough. Are you people doing this on purpose?

Sean Penn is Unlikeable

Sean Penn said he knows he's a "difficult person to like", and went on to prove it by blaming everyone else.

There’ve been several times I’ve worked with directors who I felt might have found a different job description, and perhaps weren’t the storytellers that their initial meetings with each of us actors might have indicated

Sean Penn used to be considered by some to be part of the whole "intelligent Hollywood"(lol), back in the early 2000s when that was a minor "thing" happening. But I remember some essay he wrote, I think it was for Playboy(?), and someone that was mad at him released the unedited version of it and it looked like it was written by the sixth grader that had to wear a helmet to school. It wasn't written in crayon but it may as well have been. It was so bad I didn't believe it was even real. But trust me, that baby was real and it was hilarious.  I saw it only once or twice, and I've looked for this unedited version for literally years and I can't find it anywhere. Fast Times at Ridgemont High is a classic 80's Teen Movie but I can't remember seeing him in anything else because even the sight of him and his weird T-Rex arms enrages me. Anyway, fuck Sean Penn.

Say it Ain't so Joe

Hey everybody! Joe Giudice (he's some "Real Housewives" guy) has a new cooking show! And judging by the picture I'd also bet he has a new gigantic Harley Davidson with a windshield, a black Camaro with tinted windows, and at least two Five Finger Death Punch shirts.

Jean-Claude Van Damme is Done

Jean-Claude Van Damme's Faustian bargain for his career in Hollywood suddenly came due on Saturday and to everyone's horror, was immediately turned into a ventriloquist's dummy as his soul was transferred to Beelzebub right in front of  all the people that were in the parking lot. At least maybe now if he's in any new movies his face will be more expressive.

Bianca Gasoigne is Spotted at a BBQ

Bianca Gascoigne is apparently a model but then, every cute girl between the ages of 13 and 67 are models now so how much she's officially "a model" is anyone's guess. I'd never heard of her but that isn't saying much so don't depend on me to tell you how famous someone is. But she went to a barbecue at a friend's house, and I guess she's famous enough to make the celebrity rags for that. I'm not sure how the paparazzi knew which anonymous friend's house to stake out for - at best - this C-List "famous person" so she could have her picture taken, but I have an idea.  In my defense this was mostly about the polka dot dress more than anything else.  Please for the love that's all that's holy don't make polka dotted dresses a trend. I can't deal with that right now.


!!!!Pre-Posting Update!!!! Instead of calling them C-List and D-List etc., I'm just going to call them "T-List" as in Tits-List because if it wasn't for her tits, no one would know who she was.

Helen Flanagan Stands in a Closet

!!!ATTENTION EVERYONE EARTH SHATTERING NEWS!!! Helen Flanagan says she isn't going to"touch up" her Instagram selfies anymore! Maybe she finally got a personality. Why don't any of these people ever have any pictures on their walls? Maybe their featureless walls express their true empty soulless existence.

Kate Middleton is Daring

I wasn't going to write anything today because my neck is still a little sore and then I saw this picture of Kate Middleton looking like the kind of girl you could steal an 18-wheeler with and go on a 1970s style cross country crime spree. Can you imagine me and the Princess of Whatever on a cross country crime spree? I could. I wonder if she thinks about that kind of stuff I bet she does. Give me a call Kate

Site Update

I was going to write another award winning and HI-larious blog post today and then I did something to my neck. I don't know, maybe I slept funny or something but hey it's a nice sunny summer's day, why don't you try going outside.

Amy Grant is Fine

I was going to congratulate the doctors for reanimating the corpse of Amy Grant after she had surgery for a rare heart condition,  but she's always been alive and this time I know exactly who I'm mixing her up with. Laura Branigan.  But she died of a Hemorrhagic stroke  And not a heart problem, which I believe in layman's terms is what's know as an aneurysm.  Can you imagine one day your standing at your counter making some toast and !!!BLAMMO!!! Lights out, just totally out of the blue with no warning. Watching that Gloria video almost gave me a Hemorrhagic stroke I can tell you that much, what with the disco balls and spandex. Which I'll be honest I kind of like. No make that really like. Still, that's an awful song. Well good luck from your surgery or whatever Amy Branigan or whatever your name is. Live long and prosper.

Kate Hudson has Big Tires

Kate Hudson was out riding her bike with her husband (?) Danny Something (no photo available). I hate those bikes with the big tires they look so dumb. Who rides a bike in flip-flops? I don't see any masks either, I hope they locked them both up for endangering everyone's lives.

Amber Heard Eats Something Yucky

Amber Heard was in a car. That was the whole basis for this story. I won't bore you with the rest of what little detail was included because I didn't bother to read it. I'm sure whatever she was discussing was endlessly fascinating. Too bad she told everyone she was bisexual years ago, she could probably use the extra public attention right about now.

!!!BREAKING KYLIE JENNER NUDES I MEAN NEWS!!!

!!!PRE-POSTING SEXXY UPDATE!!! I actually wrote this on Friday. Or maybe it was Saturday so if there are any new updates I don't know about them.


Kylie Jenner got kicked off of Forbes billionaire list and is probably going to prison for LYING ABOUT FINANCIAL EARNINGS AND CREATING FALSE TAX RETURNS. That's all bold and  in caps because that's about as criminally serious as it gets short of murder.

 Shares of Coty tanked 13 percent on Friday after Forbes revoked Jenner’s status as the world’s youngest self-made billionaire and questioned whether the pouty-lipped Kardashian-clan member has been forging financial information to make herself look richer, including tax filings for her fledgling makeup empire, Kylie Cosmetics.

“Kylie’s business is significantly smaller, and less profitable, than the family has spent years leading the cosmetics industry and media outlets, including Forbes, to believe,” Forbes claimed in the explosive report.

Yikes. You don't realize how serious this is. You can lie to Twitter and pre-dead rappers about how much money you earn to make yourself look like a big shot, but not the IRS or SEC. In a past life I worked very briefly as a "stockbroker" (series 7 and 63), during a class, someone just asked a question about insider trading to the guy teaching it, and it opened up an entire WORLD of hurt on the place where I worked. It was shocking how swift, and angry the response was to what I thought at the time was such a meaningless question. It was just pure luck everyone in the class wasn't marched out of the building by security the next day. I didn't last very long because that's a really shitty life no matter how much money you're making, sometimes money isn't worth it.

Anyway where was I? Oh yes. They've put people in prison for a lot less than that, and if the prosecutors want to make an example of someone it's going to be her. Laurie Laughlin is almost certainly going to prison for bribing people to let her stupid kids get into college, and there were no real "victims" in that case. Victims in the sense that she had money and others wanted that money and her kids got to pretend they could read for a while. Everyone wins. But if you manipulate financial markets people get hurt financially and the integrity of the whole system comes into question and they would rather lock you up and throw away the key before they let that happen.

You know why Kylie hasn't tweeted in almost 24 hours? ( Ed note: I wrote this Friday) Because her lawyers told her to shut the fuck up that's why. Anyway, who knows what will happen, frankly I hope they throw the whole bunch of them in the clink and weld the doors shut. We'll all be a lot better off.

Lady Gaga Cares

Oh good the celebrities are weighing in. I have only one question for Lady Gaga. How long do you plan on saying you're "34"?

Chris Cuomo is Lung

Chris Cuomo says his lungs are still messed up even two months later after he had covid.

Wait lemme try that again.

Chris Cuomo says he still has lung problems two months after recovering from Covid-19. Okay that's a little better. Hey Chris, maybe you have problems with your lungs because you're trying to breathe through that drywall mask you bought at Home Depot that you're wearing in your own house 24 hours a day. Try taking it off every now and then, especially when no one can see you. Just tell everyone you're wearing it, the simpletons that listen to you will believe it, and no one cares anyway since everyone knows most of those masks are pretty much worthless bullshit and they don't actually work.