Dylan Penn-Wright or Whatever Her Name is, is a Winner

 This is Sean Penn and Robin Wright-Penn's daughter Dylan. Dylan Frances Penn is her full name I guess. I put on my hat with the little card that says PRESS on it and Googled her full name. Usually I avoid talking about celebrity children, but she's 30 years old and at the Savannah film festival with her tits hanging out everywhere because she was awarded The Rising Star Award, or medal or whatever they give these assholes, so I think it's okay to write about her. Luckily for her she got her mom's looks, because I don't care how short her dress was, how high her heels were or how many tits she had, this little blog post would not be happening if she was sitting there with her dad's dried up apple core face. God I hate Sean Penn.

Jada Pinkett-Smith Needs A Change

 

Jada Pinkett Smith said she doesn't like fucking Will Smith anymore...

 'It's uncomfortable, but it's deeply healthy and I think around sex, because it's something that we don't talk about and there's so much fantasy around it.

 Okay she didn't exactly say "I don't like having sex with Will Smith anymore" but unless you're in high school you know exactly what she said.

 Let's take a quick test. Pay attention and maybe you'll learn something. Keep in mind I've been around the block a time or two. 

This will be graded Pass/Fail. Okay let's begin.

Let's say you're talking to your friend and she says one of two things..

1. I fucked my husband's brains out last night

2. Sex with Will is uncomfortable but healthy

Okay, which one sounds normal? 

If you said Number 2, you fail.  What are you 19 years old? Jesus you're an idiot. Look, let's cut to the chase, I don't want to be gross but if Jada is having some problems or needs to be in a "non-traditional" relationship, I'm extremely open minded. And I'm the greatest secret keeper alive. I don't know how she feels about white guys but I'm as white, and as pure as the driven snow. Hey maybe it's the change you need JP (I call her JP. It's a thing we have), what have you got to lose? Nothing, and being from California, if you divorce Will Smith for me, you get half of his money so everyone wins. Except for Will but you don't want to fuck him in the physical sense anyway so who cares.

 

Kate Hudson Supports Boobs

 Remember how I said we'd have fun finding out what I was going to write about? Well here it is. Kate Hudson in her underwear for breast cancer. Honestly that's why she took that picture. It had something to do with breast cancer. Super fun right? What being photographed in your underwear and heels has to do with breast cancer I have no idea. These people can't really be this stupid in person can they?

And I've hinted at this before, but you almost never, ever see these women with their significant others. Why is that? If Kate Hudson was walking around in my house in high heels and her underwear taking pictures of herself,  I wouldn't be out fishing or whatever those guys are doing I can promise you that. Probably getting their nails done more likely. I wouldn't say I'd attack her or anything because that would make people uncomfortable but I'd totally attack her.

Site Update

 I haven't written anything for today yet. Well... except for this. But I have some important stuff saved in the drafts so let's see what I come up with. We'll both be surprised together! It'll be fun!

Cardi B Went Tits Up

 There's a very good reason you see Cardi B only from the boobs up 99% of the time. The picture on the right would be popular on the internet. The picture on the left is what 97.95% of what normal people want to see.

Megan Barton Hanson Nude

 This is D-List nobody Megan Barton Hanson. And this is her Halloween "costume".  There is quite literally an entire porn category of women dress exactly like this. Listen, don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining exactly, but this is something women do. She would go to a bar or a party dressed like that and then spend the whole next day bitching about how men were bothering her. And don't tell me she wouldn't, I'm not some dumbass 21 year old. Anyway, you have sex in these clothes you don't go to a party. Unless it's a sex party I guess.

Lizzo is Active

 Lizzo is learning how to do the splits for reasons known only to her and her haunted doll collection. She says she's never done them before because she has "tight hips and (is) just genetically inflexible" and not barbecue she spent 99% of her life sitting down stuffing her face (auto-correct change my fumbled misspelling of the word  "because" with "barbecue" for some reason and I'm leaving it). But hey that's good. I can't do the splits. On the other hand, I'm not 200 pounds overweight so I guess life is full of trade offs. 

Amanda Holden is Free

 I haven't written about Amanda Holden in a while but she turned up on a beach somewhere in a red bikini and the rules are I have to say something. They weren't specific where she was exactly, but I assume somewhere in or around England because that's where she lives. I'm guessing, maybe France? Enjoying that sandy beach that was soaked with American soldier's blood so you can walk around free? Alright, never mind, let's not get started. I'm getting mad and I don't want this to devolve into some kind of insanity so let's all just enjoy Amanda's bikini shall we? It's obviously what she would have wanted. She's 50 years old you know. I still think it's borderline miraculous but hey, I'll take it.   

Angelina Jolie Shoots for the Stars

 Noted junkie (allegedly) Angelina Jolie was also in Rome for a screening of Marvel's Eternals. I assume she's in it but I have no idea, I don't watch comic book movies because I'm not a slack-jawed moron. But don't let that stop you from seeing it. You slack-jawed moron.

I'm in a REALLY Bad Mood Today

 Oh look. Nicole Scherzinger is in a bikini. Again. Horrible woman. This is about as boring a life as I can think of. I can't imagine being this desperate for non-stop attention. She must be a total psychological, and emotional cripple. If you have all of this free time, why aren't you volunteering to clean pet carriers at some local dog and cat rescue? You don't even have to help homeless people or battered wives or anything. You could take some lonely dogs for a walk or play with some kittens with that little feather on a string toy. But no, you decide to pose - for the 600th time - on a beach in some Caribbean country that's probably still mostly run by marijuana posses somewhere. 

We've all seen your tits, do you do anything else?

Kit Harrington is Smoking

 Kit Harrington was at the Rome Film Festival for a screening of his new movie Eternals and since he was in Rome he was doing what the Romans do by wearing ridiculous clothes. What would be wrong with just wearing a regular suit? Or even a Tuxedo? What's the sash for? Is that supposed to be what, a formal smoking jacket?  Where's your ascot. Idiot. 

Alec Baldwin Finally Killed Someone

Alec Baldwin killed a bunch of people. Okay he killed one and wounded another.  I assumed because he's another idiotic lefty asshole that he hated guns, but I guess you use the tools that are available to you. See, guns are a thing that exist. And if you took even 10 minutes to learn about them and their function, you'd know to check to make sure you knew what was handed to you. It would have taken exactly 20 seconds to open that cylinder -- it was a Western style movie they were filming so without even seeing it I know the gun absolutely had a cylinder -- and look at the bullets inside to make sure you knew whether they were real or blanks. Here are some "blanks" and they absolutely look different from "real" bullets. And here's an explanation for how they work. See I Googled this video in less than a minute, and his explanation took less than 30 seconds. Ninety seconds or less total. Even with him describing it it took a minute and a half. 

As a person that grew up around guns, has fired guns, and currently owns guns, I can tell you with near certainty, barring some kind of bizarre make believe criminal plot, this is 100% Alec Baldwin's fault. 

How do you know the guy that handed you that weapon wasn't an idiot? Which, evidentially, she was. Or a diabolical murderer that knew you wouldn't check the weapon? This is like handing the keys to a car to a 13 year old and expecting him to win the Indianapolis 500. He doesn't even know how to start it, you expect him to drive it? Alec Baldwin has a pretty violent past so who knows. Would you hand this guy a pistol? Anything is possible I guess .  And I'm sorry people got hurt but if it finally rids us of Alec Baldwin... well ... you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.

Meadow Walker is Somebody. Married

 Good news everybody! Paul Walker's daughter, Meadow, got married! You remember Paul Walker, he was in some Fast and Furious movies and then he died in a fiery car crash while racing around in a Porsche or something eight years ago, and now his daughter got married and she wasn't kidnapped by that guy in the back on the left like I originally thought this story was going to be about. Have fun being married Meadow Walker or whatever your name is now. I didn't even know you existed until about four minutes ago and now I know you're married. Isn't the internet great?

She's Only 17

 This girl isn't famous but some people are talking about her and she isn't Meghan Markle so that's good enough for me. Evidentially she's 17 (allegedly)  and some people - no doubt women - have taken issue with how she dressed for her homecoming dance. Her dress looks fine to me but keep in mind she's 17 so I'm going to stop discussing what I think of her, her low cut extremely tight dress, and her 4 inch red heels right now. Honestly I think we should stop talking about her (she's 17 let's remember), and focus more on her boyfriend's mullet. I mean, c'mon man. I do like his belt buckle though. 

Update! I found out she's 4'11 (but also 17)

Britney Spears is Attractive. Boring.

 Britney Spears danced around in her living room in her underwear again. I'll include the Instagram link here if you're interested. It's even crazier if you watch the video. I'm actually kind of starting to feel bad for her. I'm sorry, this is just becoming really sad. It just seems like there should be... more? I guess she's just a bored person and I understand but... I don't know. Why not make a video of you throwing a ball to your dog? Maybe you took a walk and saw a friendly kitty-cat that you stopped to pet. A spooky tree? A neat old abandoned house or something. Humanize yourself, let people know you're a human being with outside interests. Anything has to be better than this.

Yes you're attractive, yes you have a nice body, we get it. But there has to be something more don't you think? Otherwise there are 20 million other attractive blondes out there. And some of them are posing nude and making pornos, so this is really nothing.  I like you Britney, I'm your friend, I'm trying to help. Want to be really hot? Without resorting to porn? Learn how to ride a motorcycle. Trust me. I saw a woman on a motorcycle the other day and in one split second I suddenly understood why women like dudes on motorcycles. It was almost like I was struck by lightning. Plus it's something interesting you can talk about for a while. Living in a place where motorcycles are really only viable modes of transportation for - at best - four to six months out of the year, it's rare to see women on motorcycles. Of course it happens but for some reason, at least here, women seem to avoid them. Or at least avoid  being the operator of them. See? It's already an improvement and something cool to talk about and you haven't even done it yet

Eva Longoria is Swimming Nude

 Eva Longoria went to the beach in Mexico. They didn't say why, but if I had to guess it was for a vacation. Besides the fact that she's wearing a bikini, I'm not sure why they're spying on her like this, it's not as if she has any new movies or television series coming out that I'm aware of. It's entirely possible, and maybe even likely,  the people taking her picture were hired by her, or her handlers simply to take pictures of her at the beach, otherwise, how would they know she was even there? Eva Longoria and me are getting married someday and I'm not sure I'd even realize that was her if she bumped right into my face. Do you really think there are paparazzi camera men hiding in the bushes at every beach in the world just in case some C-List celebrity decides to go for a swim? I suppose anything is possible in the little Fantasyland you live in. 

Kate Middleton Fall Back Position

 I didn't look for anything to write about today. I'm sorry, but I have a job and I like to eat food occasionally, so if I have to work I have to work. I did see something about Kate Middleton walking around somewhere doing whatever it is she does, so here she is doing that. 

It's super easy to write about her because I think she's super sexy with that sort of cooked smile she has. Don't  ask me why I do, I just do.  I think they call that "The 'X' Factor". You know, where you find someone attractive but you can't quite put your finger on why. I just don't get what she sees in that mule-faced, inbred imbecile she's married too. By the way, I hardly ever see them really together in pictures all that often these days, I bet something is up. I don't think you can just divorce a guy like that though, it would cause a scandal worldwide. Or it would if anyone outside of England gave a shit, which they don't, so maybe that's something you should consider, right Kate? I can be super discreet if I have to be. Just something to keep in mind.

John Cena Has His Shirt Off

 Here's John Cena for the ladies. I've said 100 times that I tend to focus on hot women, but that's my thing. My milieu if you will. I like hot women and the less clothes the better, so sue me. But I realize women have needs too, so occasionally I'll throw female readers a shirtless dude story because I'm a kind and  generous lover. So here's one now, sorry it's John Cena This is a still from an HBO Max show (?) I think. I don't know which one or why because I don't care about John Cena.

There always seems to be a lot of chatter about this guy and frankly, I can't figure out why. I don't know if it's from his days as a (fake) wrestler, or if he saves cancer babies or what. I'm not linking anything about this for several reasons. 

(1). Obviously I didn't read the attached story so I wouldn't know what to link. 

(b). It's obvious his entire head was molded from some kind of clay or putty and frankly it looks weird

(3)  I don't care about John Cena (see above).

So enjoy your shirtless John Cena picture. I'll try to find better shirtless dudes later but I'm a dude so my definition may be dissimilar from yours.

Breaking it Off with Lottie Moss

 I'm not writing about Lottie Moss anymore. It was kind of cute for a while being playful with her because I think she's cute, but how boring can you get. This is all these people do. She was at some party with her standard issue boyfriend who -- of course -- is wearing nail polish to go along with his blue hair, probably because he's so daring and original, while she walks around with her tits hanging out of a "sexy" dress she got at Discovery Clothing earlier in the day. She is 23 years old I guess, so at least that sort of explains why she thinks being dressed like that is sexy.

This is something people have been doing since the 1970s, what is it about this kind of thing that makes you people think this is so exciting and new? Are you really this sheltered? You went to a party dressed like a stripper? Congratulations. My girlfriend did that, your mom did that, and her mom did that. Why is this news? Don't you people ever leave the house? I'm sorry if I sound mad and frustrated but it's because I am. It's nearly impossible to keep writing about the same eight people doing the same thing every single Friday night. It would be almost impossible to go nearly anywhere in Chicago on even the coldest weekend night and not see 25 women dressed like this. And almost all of them would be better looking than she is.

I'm sorry to see you go Lottie you seemed kind of cool for a while despite the fact that you obviously lied about marrying your girlfriend which, believe me, I was more than willing to overlook, but I'll only look the other way at this pandering nonsense for so long. Have a nice life. If that's what you call what you're doing.

Olivia Wilde Loves Herself

 Olivia Wilde "loves her new body" after she had kids. By the way, so do I...

'I love my body now more than I ever have. I enjoy the opportunity to take care of myself. That's what my beauty ritual is: Taking care of myself and celebrating my body at this stage of my life,'

 She looks pretty much the same to me. She should get back to us after she grows one of those gigantic asses, like the ones I see on the moms I see at the grocery store. I don't understand how they get pants that fit right. Like, if the waste band is big enough to be pulled up over that walrus seal that's at the top of your legs, how does it keep your pants up? Why don't they slip off?  It's probably like the TARDIS somehow. Bigger on the inside than it looks from the outside or something, what am I a physicist?  Man, I love girls in aviator sunglasses.

What the Hell is AVIF

 I took a day or two off because I was hoping some new stuff/people would appear, but they didn't. And then I did find a couple of things to write about and I saved all the pictures but they're being saved as something called "AVIF" (?) and none of the pictures saved so I couldn't use them, and then I forgot what they were connected too so I had to shit can everything and so there's yet another thing I have to worry about.  The picture you see above had to be screen capped and then opened in paint and cropped and if you think I'm doing that every time I save a picture you're nuts.

People Still Talkin' 'bout Katie Holmes

 People are still taking pictures of Katie Holmes and calling her "The Dawson's Creek star" even though Dawson's Creek went off the air 18 years ago. If you're 40 years old right now, Dawson's Creek stopped being on "network" (the CW) television when you were 22.  Still I guess you could probably stream it somewhere although I have no idea why you'd do that. 

And I hate to keep harping on this but, if you're the only person wearing a mask while you're walking down the street, you're a fucking fruit loop. I personally don't care if you walk around in a hard hat with two beers attached to it, but I have to tell you, this makes you look a little nutty to me. On the other hand, like a scarlet letter attached directly to your face, it lets me know you should be at the very least, kept at arms length. So I guess over all, this is actually a good thing, and it saves me a fuck ton of work. So keep saving the world everybody.

Beyonce is Still Famous

 There's been a sudden explosion of Beyonce news on some of the celebrity rags lately. I'm not really sure why this is happening all of the sudden. You know I'm not going to read even one of these stories, if you think I'm going to read eight of them you need to see a doctor. But she appeals to the kind of  people that think money makes them important, and they spend a lot of time reading about shitty famous people so that could be more than enough of a reason for various websites to write about her. 

Or maybe they think she's in the new James Bond movie. Hell for all I know she is. Only the first four James bond movies and Live and Let Die are any good, except for a few okay movies mixed in there occasionally the rest of them are a flaming garbage dump. Take "A View to a Kill" for instance. A nutty billionaire wants to set off nuclear bombs and cause Earthquakes in California? That was Lex Luther's plan in Superman, I mean, they aren't even original.

Kelly Osbourne is Single

 Kelly Osbourne broke uo with her boyfriend Erik Bragg. I know, it's hard to believe a woman would break it off with a nearly 40 year old man that's still riding around on a skateboard. So weird. The other weird thing is that I've written about their relationship before. But I suppose that's life. One day you're young and the world is at your feet and you have all these plans, and the next day you wake up and you're writing about which loser some kid of a famous person is dating.

Halsey Takes Her Tits for a Walk

 Halsey took her fake tits out for some air. It's true. You have to expose them to the elements once in a while to regulate their temperature so they don't shrink or expand as the temperatures outside get colder or warmer. 

It was either that or some meeting about some piece of crap movie she's in called, "If I Can't Have Love, I Want Power" which nobody, and I mean nobody, will ever see. You see, production studios need tax write offs to offset the profits of more successful movies so they make shitty movies with talentless pop stars, release them into a few theaters/streaming services and then put them on a shelf in a vault somewhere and say it was a failure. 

The reason is two fold. They can spend/keep money they would otherwise have to send to the government, and it's also a PR move so the dummies that like Halsey and buy her music, will hear about this and remember the movie studio was nice to Halsey so they'll go see the next terrible superhero movie they release. It's not as Machiavellian as it sounds, movie studios have been doing this for 100 years.

Kim Kardashian is Cold

 Kim Kardashian headed back to her hotel after rehearsing her hosting duties on SNL. Yes that's right, Kim Kardashian is hosting SNL. On her way back to the hotel she put on a giant puffy winter trench coat despite the fact that it was 70 degrees in New York yesterday.  See? This is just one of hundreds of reasons I stopped writing about this disgusting asshole. If you still watch SNL I hope you fall and hit your head and get amnesia and wander the streets in a permanent mental fog for the rest of your life

Sandra Bullock Means Never Saying You're Sorry

 Sorry I said you were the dumbest mother fuckers I ever met. As a way of an apology, here's Sandra Bullock looking pretty hot.

Congratulations Attitude Winners

 Apparently they have something in England called "The Attitude Awards" which is exactly what the world needs right now. We need to hand out prizes to people with the most "attitude". Especially to people that no one has any idea who they are. What could possibly go wrong. At least I assume that's what they do. 

You should know however, if you're nominated you have to dress like a cheap hooker from a 1990's romantic comedy. A year goes by in the blink of an eye so start shopping now. Hey try Forever 21 or maybe Frederick's of Hollywood.

Daniel Craig Isn't James Bond

 Daniel Craig went on The Jimmy Kimmel Unfunny Comedy Laughter Show (that's the Japanese title) and of course he was wearing a mask outside. Why wouldn't he? Frankly that doesn't seem very James Bond like. I can't believe it's been nearly two years and you people still think this does any good. Okay a year ago I understand. MAYBE. But c'mon. Even the "Keep six feet apart" thing was totally made up out of whole cloth. 

You guys really have to start reading something other than Vox or whatever the latest confirmation bias garbage dump of a website you're reading is. On the other hand, I guess if it wasn't for doing things that did no good but made you feel better about yourselves, you probably wouldn't do anything at all.

Honestly, you have to be the dumbest mother fuckers I have ever met.

Gwyneth Paltrow is a Scientist

Gwyneth Paltrow is pushing some "female libido booster" and I'm sorry, I had all these grand plans for a super hilarious story about this, then I imagined coming home to find my girlfriend Gwyneth Paltrow had taken too many female libido boosters and this whole thing spun out of control like Darth Vader getting clipped by that other TIE Fighter that sends him whirling into outer space.

Jesse James Decker has a Mom

 

Jesse James Decker and her mom were interviewed about something and I did read some of it but I have to be honest, my mind drifted. I'm not sure which one is the mom and I'll be honest, I don't really care. At all. Are you two busy later? .

 .

Madison LeCroy is Real

I'd never heard of Madison LeCroy before five minutes ago but you can bet I know who she is now. I guess she slept with JLo's boyfriend, the baseball guy, Whatsisface Alex Something,  and that's why they broke up but whatever. She's a little "thick" for my tastes, I'm not saying she's fat but when you can't see things like they're knees or ankle bones it makes it look like they're 17 yeas old despite the fact that she's 31. Plus they probably spend their weekends getting blasted drunk and eating a dozen White Castles at 2am. No thanks.

Besides she has that fake porn star name like, oh I'm sure your name is really "Madison LeCroy". What did you do throw darts at a fake porn name dart board until you hit something you liked? What, was Alexis Champagne already taken? What about McKenzie Hennessy? You know what, on second thought, don't call me.
 

Camila Cabello is Bigger than Ever

I had a post about Camila Cabello written and ready to go but it was really super mean. Even by my standards Honestly I don't have anything personal against these people, they're usually just easy targets, like nerds you can take their lunch money from.  So I just highlighted it and backspaced the whole thing into oblivion. 

Her music is still really awful and I have no idea how famous she really is anymore if at all. It's hard to tell these days when PR firm hacks,  get to write the stories on celebrity websites because of course they want you to think their clients are still relevant. Hey they have boat payments to make, so what do they care if they're clogging up the universe with simpering tales about Camila Cabello and garbage stories about these talentless dullards.

Hailey Bieber has Socks

 Hailey Bieber wore sparkly socks. That's what this story is about. Her socks. Yeah I don't know either, maybe she's selling them or something. She's married to Justin Bieber you know. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess most GenZ people don't know who either one of them are. I know I could easily be wrong, but it's a feeling I get. Justin Bieber was "discovered" in 2008. That's 13 years ago. A 20 year old today would have been entering first or second grade then. I've shared this clip before. So in short, "four years" for Justin, was nine years ago. Here today, gone later today.

Jessica Alves is a Person?

 Jessica Alves is an "internet personality" and she says she made $1 million dollars selling nudes on OnlyFans. I believe her basically because I think you people are a bunch of morons. I've never actually been on OnlyFans but I've seen some pictures of some of the women that are on it, and sometimes they're so attractive you might think they weren't even human, and out of all of them,  this is who you decide who want to see naked?  This... person? It's your money, but my money is staying in my wallet, because I want to see this thing naked about as much as I want to hurt my back lifting something heavy. But I guess some people eat that weird bologna with the olives in it so I don't know why this surprises me at all.

Luke Wilson is Hanging to the Left

 Hey look! Someone is talking about Luke Wilson! I'd forgotten all about him. Isn't his brother Owen? You know, the guy with the nose that looks like a penis?

Elizabeth Hurley Loves Science

 Elizabeth Hurley did something that got her in the news. I hope it was putting on that awesome dress because as usual I didn't actually read the story so for all I know she's trying to reanimate Hitler's brain. Which would be fine with me as long as she was wearing that dress. Plus that 1970s hair? Man. Listen I haven't much felt like writing so this is what you get. Don't like it? Call the cops.

Lena Dunham Got Married Not Nude

Somebody Married Lena Dunham. Apparently on purpose, and not as part of some drunken dare like I originally thought. I would have advised against this but I don't have to live with her so knock yourself out.

Lenny Kravitz is Back. Again.

 Just a couple of middle-aged dudes talking about their abs on social media. It looks like Lenny Kravitz is all set to break out for his occasional four months of fame before he disappears into the ether like an annoying ninja.  I always thought that this was kind of a weird thing that happens, because it only seems to happen to him. Maybe he's just a bunch of cicadas in a human costume. A human costume with abs.