Al Pacino Eats Fear

 In a continuation of Halloween posts, Al Pacino's fat ghost ripped itself free from his mortal body so he could stake out new territory to haunt later on. I admit this wasn't very good but I'm tired and I have other shit to do

Who Framed Mariah Carey

 Mariah Carey stuffed 15 pounds of fertilizer into a 5 pound bag and dressed up like Jessica Rabbit for Halloween. Yes Jessica Rabbit. The cartoon character from a movie that came out in 1988. 

This is such a boomer thing to do. This would be the same thing as Rob Reiner dressing up like Richard Nixon or something. I don't understand why you people never let this shit go and just move on with your lives.

Kelly Osbourne is Hauntingly Beautiful

 

The Ghost of Kelly Osbourne broke free from it's shackles and wandered the streets of L.A. looking for more souls to steal. Or maybe she's trying to lure ships into the rocks near the shore I don't know for sure. You should know I saved this like a week ago and never got around to writing anything about it so she wasn't even dressed up for Halloween yet.

 

 

 

David Schimmer is Protected

 People are interested in David Schwimmer again, and all it took was Matthew Perry's death. There was no real substance to this, because no one seemed to bother to even ask him any questions about anything but he's wearing a mask so I don't know why nobody asked him about that, and of course I had to say something.

Normally I'd say, "whatever". But that's his house. So that means he's wearing a mask inside his own house. I assume he isn't working in his wood shop or sanding drywall - he doesn't look dirty or anything - so it must be because he thinks it'll protect him from Covid, right? Inside his own home? By himself? You people are really cracked you know that.

Bennifer Goes Out

 

Ben Lopez and Janet Oconto - sorry their names slipped my overworked mind - went to somebody named Pia Miller's 40th birthday party, but I already closed the other tab so I have no further information. Which is good for you because absolutely nobody gives a shit. I don't even know who Pia Miller is.

These two assholes always look so fucking miserable. Is it just me? I just do not get it. They're lives must be just short of torture. 

You know, you see people you know personally sometimes, and they look upset or something once in a while because that's how life is. It's not a bed of roses every day. But every time I see either one of these two, whether they are alone or together they always look like they just got off the expressway during rush hour. Jesus. You're wealthy beyond most people's dreams, if you're this unhappy just retire somewhere and go hiking or fishing every day. Both of you are still in your early 50s you should enjoy life while you can, because one day you're here and then !!!BANG!!! out of the blue you drown in a hot tub, and just like that it's over. Or don't, it's your life, honestly I don't give a shit.

Matthew Perry Dead

 Matthew Perry died. The cause of death was apparently drowning, In his hot tub. No one's mentioned how he managed to drown in a tub of water while sitting down, but my theory is he got doped up on opioids and alcohol, passed out, slipped under the water and drowned. It's really awful and drowning sounds about as horrible a way to go as I could imagine. Except for fire, or a plane crash. I was supposed to be on a plane that crashed. Remind me some day and I'll tell you about it.

 

Taylor Swift Voulez-vous coucher avec moi

 The Daily Mail said Taylor Swift went out, and then described her as "Oozing NYC chic".  Likely because it's still 1978 in England. I didn't know there was still such a thing as "New York City chic".  I also didn't read enough of the story to see if they mentioned where she was going but if I had to guess I would guess she's heading to Studio 54. Maybe she went with Freddie Mercury. Wouldn't that be something. 

I really don't want to write about Taylor Swift, who I'm sure is very nice, but she seems terribly bland, and about as exciting as a sink full of warm dishwater. And yet you people seem endlessly fascinated with these boring people. I don't know how the original writer stretched this dull story into such a huge blog post but I'll link the original story here in case you want to see what Andie McDowell's daughter was wearing. Basically this is a tale about a bunch of standard issue shit heads with too much money. If I saw these people on the street - and by the way I have. HUNDREDS of times (metaphorically) - I would look at them with nothing but contempt. Sorry I'm just in a really bad mood today

Joy Corrigan Aged Overnight

 

 

 !!!!I FUCKING KNEW IT!!!! I've been saying this for years.

On Thursday the former Playboy, Victoria's Secret and SI model shared that she has been lying about her age for decades.

As recent as this summer she said she was 28 and insisting she was born in 1995, but now she has admitted that she is actually 35.

And I'm guessing 35 is probably a lie too. Anyone with two eyes and average vision can look at that picture and see that's a 40 or 41 year old woman. And you know what? There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Shit, practically this entire blog is a love letter to women over 35. It's not a weird fetish thing, it's just my personal opinion (and the correct one) that women get better looking after 35.

I bet she feels better getting this off of her chest. C'mon Joy let's go celebrate. We'll catch the early bird over at Longhorn Steakhouse and we can be home in time for Wheel of Fortune.

Jack Black Does Things

 HUZZAH!! Everything is working again and to celebrate, Jack Black took off his clothes and performed his shtick like it's still 1996. Oh sure he's a lot fatter now but who isn't. Me... I'm not. 

By the way this was at some thing to support the striking actors but no one actually cares whether they ever come back., and in fact I forgot they were still on strike. Burn in Hell, Hollywood weirdos.

Site Update

 Google won't let me access this site to add pictures for some reason. I'm surprised I managed to even write this. Once again I think the issues are on their end because I haven't changed any settings so I'll check back a little later and see if things get fixed. Keep your fingers crossed because I don't want to go through all the BS of re-securing the domain etc., etc. and interrupting my life and spending money so I can keep writing about Blac Chyna and Jack Black.

Blac Chyna Makes Dough

Want to know how much money "Blac Chyna" makes? I can tell you. I don't know why anyone cares about Blac Chyna but this is the world we live in today...

The documents reveal that Chyna earned around $71k in September but typically makes around $32k a month.

$32,000 a month totals roughly $380,000 a year. That's a lot more than I make, they should tell us how she makes it - and they might've told us - but I'm not reading anything more about her. Besides I bet however she does it is pretty gross and I don't care. I will say $380,000 a year sounds like a lot but not if you live in Los Angeles. I bet that's pretty much equal to minimum wage in that Hellhole. 

I haven't thought about Blac Chyna in literally years and I'm hoping this is the last time I have to hear about her for the rest of my life (it will be).

 

 

Frances Bean Cobain Gets Huggied

 

 

 Kurt Cobain's daughter, Frances Bean Cobain married Detective David Starsky over the weekend. Oh no wait, I meant Tony Hawk's son Riley. They said a "rock icon" acted as the celebrant? I have no idea what that is, but it was Micheal Stipe from R.E.M. At least he's doing something with all that downtime.  So maybe I'll just sit here and wait for somebody to explain to me what a celebrant is and hopefully they'll also tell me which rock icon attended this wedding.

 Her mom is Courtney Love so if I were that dude I'd sleep with one eye open.

 

 

JENNIFER LAWRENCE NUDE!!!

 Everyone is freaking out because Jennifer Lawrence is nude on Netflix or something. Kind of like this I guess.  Imagine being the guys that she sued and got put in prison because they posted those "leaked" photos of her, only to have her later take off all of her clothes on film for a company like Netflix that has 248 million subscribers. I don't know about you, but if I were them I'd be pretty pissed.

Alessandra Ambrosio is Swingin'

Alessandra Ambrosio showed off her Halloween costume for the upcoming holiday. I think she's going as a sexy spider monkey. The Daily Mail has a never ending fascination with people's ages. They mention it every time. She's 42. Happy? Does it make you feel better somehow, knowing that she's possibly twice your age and she still looks good? 

 And I'm not writing about women in bikinis anymore, yes you have tits, congratulations. I hope she's really funny or smart or by some miracle, both, but who knows. So if you want me to keep mentioning you, you better learn some magic tricks or have a parrot that rides a tiny bicycle or something, because these types of pictures got boring 12 years ago, and frankly hobbies like this are supposed to be fun. 

Emergency Gwyneth Paltrow Update

 

Vincent Cassel is Still Famous

 56 year old Vincent Cassel, has a brand new 27 year old girlfriend named Narah Baptista. I can not believe this but holy shit I've written about him before, and I still don't even know who he is. Oh sure they say he's a French actor but let's face it, that basically means nothing outside of France. I guess you might be able to say his "fame" also includes England because those two places are separated only by a big canal you can ride a boat across but again, who cares. 

I won't mention the age gap again because if she wants to date a guy that sat front row center for a Cinderella concert back in their heyday that's her business. I wish I knew where all these dudes in their 40s and 50s are finding all these girls in their 20s that want to date them. I don't even know where hot 27 year olds hang out anymore. The mall? Bowling alleys? It for sure isn't anywhere I go and believe me I'd notice

Cardi B has a Big Face

Cardi B put on her Rocky Dennis Halloween costume and went to visit her husband "Offset" for his record release party. I hope these two didn't blow all their money on strip club bottle service, and rims for their Bentleys because when's the last time you heard from either of them in any real serious way. I'm sure they're still lingering around with their die hard fans but it seems to me the world is starting to look for other things to do. I base this on the fact that I haven't seen the name "Cardi B" anywhere in at least 6 months.

 I'm sorry to see you go Cardi, maybe cut back on the fingernail designs for a while so you have some kind of savings for the future.

 

Tinsley Mortimer Gives you the Skinny

Do you know who Tinsley Mortimer is? Of course you do, who doesn't? Well boy do I have big news for you. SHE'S ENGAGED! I hope she wasn't wearing her skeleton Halloween costume (pictured) when he asked her to marry him, that would be too scary for me. There's an old saying that you can never be too rich or too thin, but yes, you can be too thin. Being married to her must be sleeping next to a bag full of golf clubs. It's okay, have a piece of bread once in a while.

Gwenyth Paltrow Steals the Show (and my heart)

 I haven't really seen much worth writing about these last few days, and then, Gwyneth Paltrow stepped out of the darkness like an angel straight from Heaven and straight into my heart. I mean holy shit. You realize she's 51 years old right? You can see why I literally dropped everything to write this. You're seeing this story essentially live, that's how urgent I thought this was. And I've written about her before. This is what I was talking about in that Natalie Imbruglia post. It's that Gen X blood coursing through her veins. 

Plus, Gwyneth was a rich kid in the 80s so you know what that means. Yeah she's wild. Take my word for it. If you trust me about anything you can trust me about this. Sometimes you can tell just by looking at a girl and she sends my radar off the charts. Okay I need to get myself together, I'll be back in a few minutes.

Natalie Imbruglia Vacations

Natalie Imbruglia looks better now than she did 25 years ago. It's that Gen X blood coursing through her veins. Think about how good Gen X people still look deep into their 50's, and even 60s. But that's another story. You remember Natalie Imbruglia... don't you? Of course you do. She had a hit song in 1997 called Torn, that got played every 8 minutes like clockwork on "Alternative Music" based radio stations despite the fact hat it was a girl's song about feelings, and relationships or whatever they're constantly yammering about. 

She was on vacation in PORTOFINO for Christ's sake -like oooooh la di dah Portofino . I don't know how having one hit song 26 years ago means you can vacation on a yacht and drink champagne off the coast of Italy but I guess it does. It's also possible she continued to be famous in her native WhereverShe'sFrom, but honestly who cares. Most celebrities in foreign countries are terrible. It's all "News Presenters", soccer players, and reality show idiots in those places. But she's a super hot babe over 35 in a bikini so I have zero idea why I'm complaining. I'm sorry Natalie let me make it up to you. Here. have some more champagne, don't worry we can get more. 

Julia Fox is "Special"

I was going to write about Julia Fox but changed my mind. Seriously, who gives a shit about this D-List, shit-for-brains. Nobody. Maybe her parents, but from what I've seen I'm starting to doubt that too.

 

Wolfgang Van Halen Packs on a Wife

 Eddie Van Halen's (RIP) son, Wolfgang, got married to his girlfriend Andraia on Sunday. Congratulations my man, I hope she knows how to cook. Hollywood heavy hitter Valerie Bertinelli walked him down the aisle. I heard they had the reception at Golden Corral.

I Confuse Joaquin Phoenix

 I'm glad to see Joaquin Phoenix and his "fiancee" Rooney Mara could take a break from their busy schedule of breaking into cars, stealing spare tires, and panhandling at stoplights to show up for a screening of some movie called "The Smell of Money" in Los Angeles. I assume one of them is in it... or hey! Maybe both! 

Was he Joker? Or was it the other guy? The one with the beard. I think it was that other guy. I wonder if they all get together and discuss the best way to steal shit to trade for drugs. Him, that Joker guy, and their girlfriends/wives. They probably got a dog so people will give them extra money. 

Alessandra Ambrosio is Boring

 I haven't written about Alessandra Ambrosio much over the course of my lifetime and I'm not really sure why. Okay, I'll be honest there are probably a couple reasons. First off, I'm not constantly switching back and forth so I can spell her name. Don't know what I mean? Close this page and then spell Alessandro Ambroso. I copied and pasted her name for this story myself. Go ahead big talker, try it. 

Secondly, so what? Yeah I get it you're hot but who fucking cares, do you do anything else? I've been reading about Alex Bosco for going on 20 years now, and this is all she seems to do. How many times do you need to see Allie Ambassar in a bikini? As a man I can tell you there is nothing in the world worse than a woman that's only "hot". I've had hot girlfriends and that shit gets old really, really fast. Jesus Christ, learn to ride a motorcycle, or fix small engines, or pet some dogs or something. ANYTHING. Nobody is asking you to weld pipe or shingle a roof or anything like that but doing something besides your nails once in a while would be nice.

Olivia Wilde Goes Low (Waisted)

 Olivia Wilde took her water bottle and low waist to the gym and this is news because she apparently said something bad about Taylor Swift's new relationship which would probably matter if anyone gave a shit about what Olivia Wilde has to say about anything. 

Let me put it this way. Ask 100 people who Taylor Swift/Olivia Wilde is and I bet you'd be surprised by the answers. No you probably wouldn't. I'm not defending Taylor Swift no matter how cute I think she is, her music is mediocre on the best of days, and she strikes me as a little rich girl that grew up in a multi-million dollar farmhouse with a white fence, an indoor swimming pool and a six car garage but Olivia Wilde strikes me as a poison pill that never gets invited anywhere despite her good looks and six-pack abs and that's probably why she got divorced from that one guy who's name I don't remember that's currently so hip amongst the internet intelligentsia crowd.

Hilarie Burton Morgan Goes Gray

 Hilarie Burton Morgan's hair turned gray at 41 and she's okay with that

Hilarie Burton Morgan considered going gray early 'a relief' after being launched into fame right out of high school as a VJ on MTV's Total Request Live followed by The WB soap One Tree Hill.

'We're growing it all out!' the 41-year-old mother-of-two announced on Thursday's episode of ABC's The View.

Good because there isn't anything you can do about it. Except color your hair like women have been doing since the ancient Egyptians were building totally pointless pyramids Or shave your head. Oddly enough, also like the ancient Egyptians. Either way, and I hate to break this to you, but you're 41 now, so you're a middle aged woman. And anyway, women are dying their hair this color these days, so you're hardly a trailblazer and you just got it for free. I've written about women's gray hair before, I said it there and I'll say it again. No one cares.

Here Comes Hugh Jackman

 I read that headline and literally said "uh oh" out loud. This is something I have been saying for at least 15 years. Am I wrong? Maybe. Do I think I'm wrong? No. You see, he's writing a book about his life and divorce and how maybe it's time for him to be honest with himself, and I think we've all been around the block enough by now to know exactly what that means...

'Hugh is choosing to [write this book] now because he's finally [being] honest with himself [and] the divorce,' an insider said.

'The content will be Hugh speaking about his life. He'll be opening up about his life like never before.'

 Uh huh. Quite honestly I'd be surprised if you were surprised. I thought I'd written about this here in the past but I guess I didn't. Anyway I'm about 15 years ahead of you on all of this sudden personal "honesty" he's having and the whole "divorcing my wife in my 50s" stuff that's going on. We'll just have to wait and see, and if he buys a Pomeranian we'll finally get all the answers we need.

Amy Schumer is Mean

 Amy Schumer discussed aging somewhere and then someone else wrote about it after them. I'll link it here if you're interested. In general I don't like stand up comics, for some reason most of them rub me the wrong way, and Amy Schumer is at the bottom of my list of disliking comics. She's a notorious joke thief and a bunch of other things I'm not listing. But for some odd reason she seems to be enjoying some kind of weird renaissance.

She was in her 20s when the picture on the left was taken in 2012, and the picture on the right is her today, so make your own jokes, they'll probably be better than her's anyway. She was cute in 2012 wasn't she? But she very much has the face of a Mean Girl. I'm not smart enough to put my description into words but you know exactly what I'm talking about. Just looking at her you can tell she's super mean - behind their backs of course - to other girls that she perceives as being prettier/thinner/more popular than she is. I think that's called an "X-Factor". I'm having a very hard time figuring out how to end this so I'll just end it here.

Chelsea Handler is all Wet

 Chelsea Handler got drunk - I assume she's drunk -  and walked around in a bikini while noises fell out of her mouth which, naturally, she posted on TikTok. I don't know where she was when this happened but judging by her appearance she was at one of those bars on the Fox River where 60 year old firemen, retired cops, and other assorted fat guys ride to on their Harley Davidson Streetglides and hang out so they can... hit on drunk 50 year old women that are walking around in bikinis. And they all look exactly like her.  But that's the cycle of nature, all you can do is be glad they gather in that one place so you know where not to go during mating season (May thru September).

Sydney Sweeney Flies

 Here's Sydney Sweeney. Again. At yet another fashion week thing. This fashion week stuff feels like it's been going on for a year, and I have no idea what these people get out of going to these things. Free clothes? I honestly 100% do not understand.  If she isn't careful this is about the only time anyone is going to talk about her. And these things seem so weird and somehow out-dated to me. It's probably me since I'm very, very weird.

But I will add that she's freaking me out a little because she always looks different. I don't mean her clothes, I mean as a person. I didn't know that was her until I read the headline at the source. Maybe it's because she's 26 so she's still growing and changing. Who knows she could wake up tomorrow and be a large African-American man. I've heard that could happen these days

Joseph Baena has a Special Day

 Arnold Schwarzenegger's son, Joseph Baena (?) got a chance to go to the beach for his 26th birthday yesterday and that's good! He's helping! You gotta get them doing normal day to day activities around "average" people so they can live a rich full life. You're doing a great job Joey!

Joshua Jackson and Jodie Turmer Smith are People

Two people you have absolutely never heard of are getting divorced. Joshua Jackson and Jody Turner-Smith are their names and I just looked, they called him THE DAWSON'S CREEK star. That fucking show went off the air TWENTY YEARS ago. I had to Google it like I was deciphering hieroglyphics. Were you even alive 20 years ago? That's like calling me "The Christmas Elf" because I was in the fifth grade school Christmas play for 20 seconds

Either way, their lives as they know it are over, and he's probably going to have to sue for spousal support because evidentially, she's the only one that's been working for the last two decades. Godspeed, total strangers that I'll never see again for the rest of my life.

Sydney Sweeny is Fashionable

 Sydney Sweeny was at a Fashion Week show? Again? Does this thing ever fucking end? Is this thing like the Coachella of the clothing world? It just goes on and on with no real end in site until it just peters out after the last D-List celebrity goes home? 

I'm not saying Sydney Sweeny is D-List, and honestly I have no idea where she falls in the celebrity pecking order. She's a hot blonde with big tits that walks around in tiny dresses so I assume she's somewhere at the top for now. Let's check back in a couple of years and see how this plays out.

Eva Longoria Forgot her Fruit Hat

Eva Longoria dressed like Carmen Miranda for yet another fashion week thing. That dress is fucking horrible and I bet it costs more than the first 7 cars I owned combined. I can't write about these fashion shows anymore, seriously who the fuck cares.