Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Hailey Baldwin Buys a Snapple

This is Alec Baldwin's 19 year old daughter Hailey. She's cute isn't she? Of course she's some kind of model. Know how I know that? This was from a photo shoot for "Guess?" so you can see how I arrived at that conclusion. I'm a master of deducements. Is that a word? I typed it so it must be. I don't even know what Guess? is. Don't they make jeans and stuff? Didn't they used to make clothes? Like jeans with buttons in the front instead of a zipper and the top folds down into a triangle like from the year 1987? Who knows, I get all my clothes at the Dollar Tree anyway. Kim Basinger is her mother and thank God she got her looks instead of her father's. Alec Baldwin wearing a suit looks like a wise cartoon manatee that all the other cartoon characters go to for half-baked wisdom.

Jason Aldean Sucks

Jason Aldean and his wife, Brittany Whogivesashit attended the ACM Awards Benefit for Georgia Ruffians Hour or wherever the Hell they were. He's a country "artist" and I'm not sure I've ever heard his music but I can guarantee you it's awful so I don't have to hear it. It all sounds equally bad. Have you ever heard modern country music? It's really, really awful I can't stress that enough. My boss at work listens to it, therefore we ALL listen to it. It's indescribably bad. There's one song that comes to mind where the guy wins the lottery or something and he buys a boat and some Coors . Is it a gag song? Like something you'd hear on Dr. Demento? It would be funny if it wasn't so horrible. Modern country music pretty much sounds exactly like Jason Aldean looks.

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Diane Kruger is Adventurous

Actress Diane Kruger was photographed at the beach in a red bathing suit. I guess they only come in red because that's all I ever see them wearing. What's with these celebrities and the beach? Remember, I lived in Florida so if you've never been to a beach on the ocean let me describe it for you. It's usually crowded, and full of rude, sweaty, and disgusting people you wouldn't want to normally be around except now they're mostly naked. Sort of like going to a nude shopping mall a month before Christmas. And sand (dirt) gets in everything, everywhere on your body in your body and on your stuff. And if you walk into the fountain you could be swept away by a riptide never to be seen again, or eaten alive by a giant animal that you'll never see coming. Sounds like fun doesn't it?

Monday, August 29, 2016

G Easy is Real

I just learned that there's a rapper that calls himself "G Easy". That's him in the header pic by the way. That guy is whiter than me and I didn't think that was possible. This is all now in the running for the stupidest thing I've heard in 2016.  I hope this guy is making a shit-ton of money because he's going to need it to help offset the embarrassment he's going to feel in about 20 years.

Britney Spears at the VMA's

I looked everywhere yesterday and there wasn't a damn thing to write about. Then I saw this picture of Britney Spears at the VMA's and so I figured I'd show you guys.

Friday, August 26, 2016

Taylor Swift Looks Different

Taylor Swift has reportedly had plastic surgery of some kind but I can't figure out what. She's way to young to get a face lift and she's so thin she certainly didn't need a tummy tuck. It could be we'll never figure it out. Like electricity, The Bermuda Triangle or the Loch Ness Monster, it's probably just another one of life's unsolvable mysteries. I'd say we should ask the guy in the photo if he knows anything but he's probably too busy finding new locations in the woods for all the body parts he's had in his freezer since last Christmas. Look out Taylor he's right behind you!

Kate Beckinsale Topless!

The headline where I stole this picture from tricked me into clicking on the story because they said Kate Beckinsale posted a topless photo on her Instagram. What a bunch of filthy liars. Posting a picture of your head while you're not wearing a shirt doesn't make it a topless photo. This is like that time they said I wasn't wearing any pants but leather chaps fully count as pants I don't care what that stupid judge has to say about it. And I didn't want to force you to read the ridiculous comments left by shockingly desperate men on her gorgeous, tastefully shot black and white photograph, was that taken by a professional? so I covered them up with a copy of someone that has me blocked on Twitter.

Lindsie Chrisley Getting Divorced

Lindsie Chrisley filed for divorce from her husband, Name Unknown. I don't know why the kind of hot girl that works the car rental counter at the airport getting a divorce is news but I guess the internet has a lot of space to fill.

Jennifer Lopez is Single Again

47 (!) year old Jennifer Lopez ended her relationship with her 29 year old boyfriend, and the person with probably the most ironic name in the universe, Casper Smart. I can't find any reason for the break up even though I searched for 30 or 40 seconds. Maybe try giving her a call and go out for coffee if you really want to know. She's decided to move on and continue doing whatever it is she does, and he's going to continue his intellectual pursuits solving all of the mysteries that haunt mankind today like, who still wears suits without a tie? And, do these white sunglasses clash with my bright orange Nissan 350Z?

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Hope Solo Got Suspended

Hope Solo has been suspended for six months from playing soccer for calling the Swedish soccer team "a bunch of cowards".

I thought that we played a courageous game," Solo said. "I thought that we had many opportunities on goal. I think we showed a lot of heart. We came back from a goal down. I'm very proud of this team.
"I also think we played a bunch of cowards. But, you know, the best team did not win today. I strongly, firmly believe that. I think you saw America's heart. You saw us give everything that we had today. Unfortunately, the better team didn't win."

 The sentence was handed down by "U.S. Soccer" or "Soccer America", or "HURRAY FOR SOCCER!" or whatever the governing body of that stupid sport is. Girls that are really that much into sports give me the creeps. Guys are bad enough. Especially when you gotta listen to their sports talk nonsense at barbecues or in bars or whatever but I've learned to deal with that, but girls? It just makes my skin crawl, I don't know why. Probably because if you went out for a couple of drinks, after she got liquored up she'd probably ask you to arm wrestle or something and when she beat you (because she probably would) she'd run around the room screaming "BOOYAH!" and hi five every cargo short wearing dickbag in the place only to be interrupted when someone stops to asks her about the NFL draft.

 Girls are moody and weird enough already. I don't need someone that's going to have her whole weekend ruined because the Kingston Ducks or whatever the fuck, blew the final game and won't make it into the playoffs for the Buffalo Wild Wing's Trophy of Greatness. You know what Hope? Just forget it stop calling me.

Leslie Jones Gets Hacked

Somebody hacked into Ghostbusters star Leslie Jones website, or cloud or iPhone or whatever they hacked into and now have nude pictures of her. Congratulations. Listen, thanks anyway but I already have plenty of nude pictures around here somewhere you can just hang on to those.

Ricky Gervais Buys a House

This is Ricky Gervais' new $14 MILLION DOLLAR home. How? Do you know how much money you have to have to be able to buy a $14 million dollar house? A lot. Like, a REAL lot. I'm assuming of course you don't have a mortgage on a $14 million dollar home. You probably write a check. "I'll take that one guvnah'" he says as he whips out his comically oversized checkbook. It's not like he was nervously waiting to see if he was approved for a mortgage by the bank after faxing them over a copy of his birth certificate for the sixth time. I just don't see how any of this is possible. How much did they pay him to host the Emmy's that time?  What the Hell does this guy do? Maybe The North American Atheists is paying him under the table. Anyway, it has eight bedrooms which doesn't seem like a lot for $14 million dollars. For that kind of money I want sweeping tree lined driveways, and a separate house for the hot maid. And maybe a maze made out of shrubs.Who knows maybe it has a cool basement but seems like a lot of money for a house that doesn't appear to have any gun turrets and a cool moat or maybe even a secret door in the garage that leads to a cool control room with beeping lights and a big bank of computer screens.  Whatever. Enjoy your new boring $14 million dollar house Rick.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Johnny Depp Likes Jack Daniels Probably

Johnny Depp arrived late for an audition for the Hanoi Rocks tribute band Broken Dreams. The guy is like a time traveling refugee from the Sunset Strip circa 1987. Of course he stopped by Izzy Stradlin's house to steal all of Izzy's old clothes. I bet he got at least one of his tattoos at Sunset Strip Tattoo "totally by the same guy that did the one on the singer from Cinderella!" And yes I'm writing about Johnny Depp yet again because I want to avoid having to write about Amy Schumer. Again. For some reason Amy Schumer stories are the most clicked on stories. Why? What's with you people? What is her appeal? She's like a lightning rod of boredom.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Look at Me Everybody I'm an Introvert!

Amy Schumer thinks she's an introvert...

"I'm a classic introvert",  she told talk show host Stephen Colbert

Amy Schumer is a comedienne with her own television show (is that still on?) and an "author", such as it is, but I'm buying her a dictionary for Christmas because I'm pretty sure Amy doesn't know what the word introvert means She's just saying that because she's mixing her internet life and real world life together. You see, there's this bizarre phenomena on the internet where suddenly everyone is an introvert that loves books. Yeah I don't really get it either.  Oddly, she said this on Stephen Colbert's nationally broadcast television talk show. Colbert is also a living breathing former internet meme, who to me is one notch above George Takei, another living internet meme, so this is all very weird to me how these two worlds are clashing. I didn't think I'd ever long for the days when the only thing internet dumbshits talked about was bacon or zombies and vodka but here we are. And now here's Amy saying she's an introvert for attention. See? That's the opposite of being an introvert. But it's super fun to just say random things isn't it? I'm a classic astronaut. Oh it's so liberating to finally get that off my chest.

Monday, August 22, 2016

Jennifer Lopez Does Stuff

Jennifer Lopez is really starting to look like she might knife you for touching her man.

Vroom Vroom!

George Clooney doesn't turn 56 until next May but he bought himself the standard issue "Fat Guy in His 50's Motorcycle" anyway.  Here he is pretending to be going super fast. Okay so he's not fat but you know what they say, "your motorcycle, your way" I'll bet you $50 right now he's got Boston, Motley Crue or Aerosmith blaring from the radio of that ridiculous thing.

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Nicole Scherzinger is Shiny

This is Nicole Scherzinger and she looks so good in a bikini that it's actually difficult to look directly at her. I don't know if I've ever written about her before and I'm not scrolling through all that crap to find out, but I might have to write about her some more. Maybe I will, maybe I won't, who can say? I'm a man of mystery. In case you don't know who she is, she's a judge on the X-Factor which I think is only on in Great Britain now because shitty TV is the one thing the British are still good at. Seriously, have you ever seen any of their shows? Oh sure they gave the world Benny Hill, Monty Python and Doctor Who (Tom Baker is Doctor Who) and a few other things but much beyond that it's worse even than it is here in the U.S., the place that literally invented TV. Anyway, I'm not here to talk about British TV or who invented the television or who saved who's ass from Hitler, Hell I don't even remember what I was talking about. Oh right. Nicole Scherzinger and her bikini. I'll do it like a Brit. "She's the boffins in it int' she guvnah cheerios". It's like I'm from there.

Will Ferrell and the Mysteries of the Universe

Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly are like a modern day Abbott and Costello except - you know - not funny. Well hold on to your hats folks because they're teaming up once again to star in what I'm sure will be a  boffo box office smash about Detective Sherlock Holmes tentatively titled "Sherlock Holmes: The Great Mystery of the Orient. Why Do People Think This Asshole is Funny". They won't solve that little mystery though because I've been asking myself and researching that question for 20 years. I hope to win a Nobel Prize for Mystery Solving if I ever manage to figure it out.

Lady Gaga Thinks You Should Call More Often

Lady Gaga dressed like an old Jewish woman to do a "radio show"- whatever that is - in New York. I only wrote this because remember last week how I said I "there were like 10 pictures to choose from but she had the same exact facial expression in each one" Here it is a week later and she still looks like that. She always looks like she's trying not to look down at something gross. I guess maybe that's just how she looks. Sorry for making fun of your face Lady Gaga

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Brad Hill and Jonah Whatever Do Things

Bradley Cooper and Jonah Hill shared a tender moment at the opening of their new movie no one will see. It's called War Dogs in case you want to know what you won't be seeing. Later they went to a party where they met each others families.  Jesus I really have to find a new hobby, you have no idea how sick I am of these celebrity idiots.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Larry Wilmore Gets Cancelled

Comedy Central cancelled "The Larry Wilmore Show" or whatever it was called. Maybe you've heard of him. No? Well I guess that explains that. But don't worry some guy that wears a suit will provide you a more in depth explanation.
In explaining the decision, Comedy Central president Kent Alterman said Monday it came down to the show's inability to register with viewers. "Unfortunately, it hasn't connected with our audience in ways that we need it to, both in the linear channel and in terms of multiplatform outlets and with shareable content and on social platforms as well."
That last sentence says it all. What he should have said was..."Larry wasn't providing enough sound bites that people could mindlessly repeat  ad nauseam on Twitter until you want to punch a baby in the face".  Too bad Lenny your show will be missed. By someone. I guess. But hey everyone look at the bright side. If you're a mediocre comedian that can really connect with 24-40 year old dumbasses, there's a slot open for you at Comedy Central.

Monday, August 15, 2016

Margot Robbie Isn't Dead

I just read an article where they asked "Who will be the next Margot Robbie?" and since I don't know who Margot Robbie is I figured she was some starlet that OD'd at a Playboy Mansion orgy in the 70's and they were looking for someone new to take her place in Hollywood. You know what I mean? It turns out she isn't dead. I have no idea what they're talking about there's her picture right there.  I don't know why she needs replacing. And I still don't know who she is. Maybe they long for the good old days when she was in quirky independent movies or something. You know, like way back in 2008. And a cute blonde in Hollywood? You'd think anyone they chose to replace her would stick out like a sore thumb

Happy Birthday Halle Berry

Halle Berry turned 50 yesterday. Just for reference, Ann B. Davis, the woman that played the maid Alice, on The Brady Bunch was 41 when that series started. I personally know girls literally half Halle's age that don't look half as good.

Saturday, August 13, 2016

Jessica Alba Sits By a Pool

Jessica Alba is 35? I guess she's just been famous for so long I thought she was older. Of course there's no way you could tell, most of these celebrity pictures are photo shopped so much they look like cartoon charterers that entered our world through someone's television set that had radioactive material spilled on it.  In fact, moments after this picture was taken Jessica grabbed a big pool umbrella, jumped over the side of that high rise building and floated safely to the ground.

Friday, August 12, 2016

JoJo and Jordan Trade Names

Life&Style Magazine says Jojo Fletcher cheated on Jordan Rodgers and I'm only writing this to tell you I don't know which one is which. Is JoJo the girl? Or is Jordan the girl? Do you people really watch and pay attention to this garbage? No wonder the world is in the state it's in.

Amy Schumer Doesn't Care What You Think

Amy Schumer said she doesn't care what you think. I don't care what she thinks so I guess that makes us even. I know I said I wouldn't write about Amy Schumer anymore but me and Amy Schumer don't care what you think remember?

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Tracy Anderson is a Guru

This story originally started out about noted flake Gwyneth Paltrow who sometimes I think is very hot, while other times I think she kind of looks like my friend Vinnie so it can be very uncomfortable for me. Then I saw a picture of her personal trainer Tracy Anderson and quickly shifted gears but then once again I noticed the black sandals she was wearing and just gave up. But by that time, I'd already started typing so it was too late. Have fun staring at her sandals.

Demi Rose Does Stuff

There's apparently a rapper named "Tyga" because why wouldn't there be. This is his ex-girlfriend "Demi Rose" because why wouldn't she be. On the plus side she has yet to infect the planet with any offspring which I can imagine might happen anytime now. While she claims to be 26 years old, looking more closely at some of her pictures I'd bet she was 19 at the absolute most. Mostly because she has one of those giant teenager heads. Do you know what I mean? Like a balloon with a face and a big forehead. She also has one of those disgusting gigantic asses which you can't see in that picture because despite what you read about constantly on the internet, only circus freaks and rappers think that's attractive and she knows it so she's trying to appeal to the most people possible. This post is going nowhere and I'm already sick of this idiot.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Miranda Lambert is Bitey

Miranda Lambert and the rest of her pride were out on a night hunt when the cameras caught her at the moment she delivered a fatal neck bite to her latest victim. It's sad I know, but Mother Nature is a brutal, unforgiving place to live and even country music singers need to eat.

Anna Lynne McCord Scored Tickets to a Milli Vanilli Concert

Anna Lynne McCord was photographed the instant she stepped out of a time machine after visiting the year 1986. Maybe she was an extra in a Tom Hanks comedy. Remember when Tom Hanks was funny?

Monday, August 8, 2016

Amber Rose is a Nerd in Bed

Amber Rose has a TV show? Who the Hell is Amber Rose? I have a bunch of tattoos and I'm a moron, how come I don't have a TV show too? It seems pretty obvious that you imbeciles will watch just about anything so why not watch me instead, I could use the money. Whatever. On her so called "TV show" she says she's a nerd in bed whatever that means...
Despite being so brash and outspoken sexually, the curvy model admitted on her TV show The Amber Rose Show that she would ‘shock’ most people by how ‘normal’ she is, adding: ‘I feel like I’m just such a nerd in the bedroom.’
What does that mean? Does she make light saber noises with her mouth during sex? Does she argue about comic books online and eat Doritos while she's doing it? Is a Boba Fett, or maybe a stormtrooper helmet involved? See? Look at all the ideas I just gave you. Even being a "nerd" in bed can be fun. Having sex isn't really all that difficult maybe you're just over thinking it. Sometimes I think it would be hilarious if, on one of these dumb talk shows no one had anything really interesting to say, they'd all have to just sit and stare at the camera. Just imagine all the silence. Yes, I have to admit as much as I enjoy writing this stuff sometimes I really get sick of these fucking idiots.

Fergie is a Rocker Now

What is it with these people and the Metallica shirts? Does Fergie really expect me to believe she likes or has ever even heard Metallica? This is how out of touch they are, they don't even know that nobody likes Metallica anymore. Metallica hasn't been any good since at least 1987. They must all have the same personal shopper. I can imagine her personal assistant running in a panic to JCPenney really quick to find a Led Zeppelin shirt or maybe one that has a picture of  The Rolling Stones lips/tongue on it when they realize the paparazzi is outside waiting and all of her Ramones shirts are at the cleaners. Look how new that shirt is. It's like she unfolded it that morning.

Friday, August 5, 2016

Cassandre Davis Has a Butt

This is Cassandre Davis and her butt. She's a - you guessed it - Instagram "model". Good for you Casi. The world needs more Instagram models. By the way the picture I used was labeled "casi-davis-butt-1". Not by me, but by whoever I stole the picture from. It was some crappy website, how should I know which one,  I can't remember all of my wheelings and dealings. But that label leads me to believe there are probably more pictures of her butt floating around. Maybe as many as 10 or 12 who knows. Why not check on Instagram?  Go on live a little. You're not doing anything else, and it's not like you can see butts just anywhere on the internet.

Sharon Stone is in a Pool

Sharon Stone is 58 years old and looks like this in a bikini. I saw this picture and I just thought I'd mention that. And I saw Basic Instinct but I barely remember it. It had something to do with murder or lesbians or something but I have no idea. Would you believe I somehow managed to miss that one scene everyone always talks about, and to this day I've never seen it so I have no idea what happens. She spreads her legs? She crosses her legs? I don't know. I assume she pulls a bunch of handkerchiefs, or maybe a bird out of there like a magician because otherwise I don't see what the big deal is.

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Lady Gaga Goes to a Party

Lady Gaga wore a velvet gown to Tony Bennett's 90th birthday party. I guess my invitation must've been lost in the mail which is probably a good thing because that's exactly what I was going to wear. I wish she'd make up her mind. Is she a freaky, kooky, eccentric mid/late 70's New York Club Kid, a la Grace Jones? Or is she an old school Hollywood glamour doll. Not that it matters all that much to me. Like most people, even when she was at the top of the charts I only sort of noticed her anyway. By the way, there were like 10 pictures to choose from but she had the same exact facial expression in each one so I didn't think it mattered.

Christina Ricci is Flapping

Christina Ricci was spotted in full costume for her latest direct to the internet movie "Z: The Begging of Everything" . Oooor maybe she was on her way to buy tickets for a six month summer ocean voyage on the Mediterranean on the SS Teddy Roosevelt. Who can ever tell with her she's a weirdo.

!UPDATE! This is the new worst thing I've ever written. But I wrote it so here it is. It's not like I'm just going to delete ready made content.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Mama June is into Fitness Now

Mama Joon or June or however it's spelled of "Honey Boo Boo" fame (?) wowed people across the world with a shocking weight loss selfie. Holy shit she lost 150 pounds and she's still fat?! Jesus Christ.  What did they do, wheel her to the weight loss clinic on a fork lift? But according to the blind people that clicked on the original link and bothered to comment, apparently she's like a rail now so I hope she's being careful. Losing too much weight can cause organ failure which would eventually lead to death so be careful Mama Jones weight loss is a journey with the ultimate goal of being happy with yourself and blah blah blah I have no idea why anyone still cares about these people. 

Ferne McCann Stands There

This is Ferne McCann. She's some British reality show moron and I'm only writing this to let you know that she had an affair (allegedly) with Russel Brand. So not only did she let Russel Brand see her naked, she had to see Russel Brand naked. Whatever, I don't care who, or what you have sex with or what your reasons are, just keep it to yourself. Especially if it's Russel Brand. Or my neighbor Eric. God, don't you hate that guy?

Shannen Doherty has Cancer

I didn't know Shannen Doherty has cancer. That's fucking awful.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Tim McGraw Fell

Tim McGraw fell while performing his hit song "Tim McGraw and the Country Jamboree". No one cares. 

Denise Richards Loves the Water

Remember Denise Richards? She used to be married to Charlie Sheen, and she was in that one movie "Wild Things" 20 years ago. Shit that was 20 years ago? I also know she used to live somewhere near me but I never saw her so that could be nothing but a filthy lie. Sadly, things haven't really worked out for her though because now she's that skeleton that guards the treasure chest at the bottom of the sea. Somebody needs to do it.