Kate Beckinale is Back

 

 Kate Beckinsale went out on Saturday night. Pretty exciting. A party? Shopping? Big deal, I mean seriously. She's not in any movies coming up that I'm aware of. Not even any TV shows. I'm not in the know enough to know why these "stories" come in surges like this. I haven't really heard much about Kate Beckinsale for the last couple of months and then all the sudden everyone is writing about her. Why?

 Don't get me wrong I'm always happy to read about Kate Beckinsale, but who - besides me - could be interested in Kate Beckinsale walking around in leggings while shopping? Let's face it, she may be supernaturally hot, but she isn't exactly A-List anymore, I'm just wondering how the Hollywood machine works. Does she pay for this? Does a manager or PR company foot the bill? I've read some stories over the years alluding to this kind of thing. Call me cynical but I have to imagine someone says, "We need to get your name in the papers some more and it's going to cost $10,000", or whatever number it is, and somebody, somewhere writes a check to some paparazzi company and they say "Okay we'll see you for 10 days starting next week".  I just did a quick Google search for answers but I'll have to refine my search. I'm genuinely curious now. I'll look around a little bit. Stay tuned for my huge celebrity expose. Unless Kate wants to bribe me to keep it under my hat if you know what I'm saying. Cash is fine.

Kate Beckinsale Plus 22 = What

Kate Beckinsale has a new boyfriend named Goody Grace. They called him a "rocker" but I have my doubts. Maybe she likes his skinny jeans and Aunt Bea sweater. It's funny, I was just mentioning how I don't care about age gaps and have zero problems with any gap no matter the size. But this guy is 22. I was actually kind of harsh on Leonardo DiCaprio for basically the same thing. I mean c'mon the guy was in high school in 2016.

 If you ask me this is borderline pedophilia. What in the world could you possibly talk about with a 22 year old, beer bongs? Edibles? Okay, okay yes, yes it's a sex thing, but once again he's 22. He was probably a virgin as recently as 2015, how good at it could he be?  The source said he's one year older than Kate's daughter, but think of it this way. Even if his mother was 23 when she had him, that means his mother is younger than Kate Beckinsale.

After skipping around and reading a little more about him they said this guy is a rapper. Hahaha. What? That's the only link I'm providing if you want to know more, that's your problem.  But okay, you know what? I'm done with this. Another snow white Canadian rapper. I don't even like rap but even to me that sounds the same as building Ferraris in Poland. Hey, It's your life. Maybe take him to Disneyland. Or Parrot Jungle is nice, I went there once when I was like 8 years old and got bitten by a cockatoo.

Kate Beckinsale Saves the Day

Once again it was a fairly slow news day celebrity-wise. Or maybe it wasn't I don't know, I have to be honest I didn't really look. And then Kate Beckinsale went shopping in high heeled boots and leggings (is that the official name?) and it was like the sky cleared, the birds started singing and all of my squirrel friends brought me gifts. Thanks squirrel friends, but if you can't bring me Kate Beckinsale in heels and stretch pants I probably don't need it so save your energy for winter napping. Give me a call Kate

Kate Beckinsale Needs a Little Understanding

 

Christmas came a month early for me this morning when I found out Kate Beckinsale is finally divorcing that dork Johnny Weissmuller, or Lou Weinstein or whatever the Hell his name is. I don't know his name and I really don't care

 A source close to the couple tells PEOPLE that Beckinsale and Wiseman have been separated for several months.

 Gee that's really a shame. Listen Kate, I know this is probably a rough time for you, but I just want you know I'm here if you just want to hang out and talk. I'm a really good listener. I can come over and bring some movies if you like. And maybe a little wine and a few candles too you know, so the lights don't hurt your eyes if you're crying a little bit. Just let me know I'll be your rock.

Kate Beckinsale has Poor Judgement

I had this picture on my desktop of Kate Beckinsale wearing stretch pants but I don't remember why. It could be because she was wearing stretch pants and that's a good enough reason for me. Not because she was seen kissing some 21 year old dumbshit named Matt the Knife or whatever his name is. C'mon Kate, 21? I know I usually don't care about age differences, and it's true I don't, but 21 year old "men" are basically retarded. 41 year old men are bad enough but a 21 year old was in high school like three years ago. Have you ever talked to a high school kid? They're like trauma patients that fell and hit their head on the edge of a bath tub. You're not instilling me with a lot of confidence in your judgement, it's like I don't even know you "Kate". If that is your real name.

Kate Beckinsale is a Trailblazer

  Kate Beckinsale is mad at the double standard when women date younger men, as opposed to men dating younger women...

The actress, 46, said men 'constantly do whatever they like', whereas women over the age of 32 seem to be committing a 'political act' whenever they do anything 'risqué' or 'fun'.

 'I witness men constantly doing whatever they like, whether in relationships, or deciding to buy a motorbike, or getting a tattoo. 

'It hasn't been interpreted as, "why hasn't he had more children?" or "is he ever going to decide to become a parent?" or "why has he had so many girlfriends?".'

 Kate obviously lives on THE PLANET OF THE WOMEN because I've been a man my whole life and I've had people ask me that kind of stuff all the time, so I have no idea what she's talking about.  And I've long been a "supporter" - for lack of a better word - of "age gaps" and the proof is all over this blog (there are plenty more go find them if you want to read them I forgot where they are).  If you like someone, you like someone, as long as everyone is a mentally stable adult, making rational decisions, the age of the people in the relationship is no one's business but their own.  I don't think the problem is the gap itself, it's the age of the actual person. Kate is 46. She could date a much younger man that was 31, instead she picked a guy that just turned old enough to buy beer a year ago.

The fact remains that men are idiots. And if some 48 year old guy can date a 22 year old he's going to believe me. I personally have no idea why you'd want to do that but people do it. And if you ask most women, the idea of dating a 22 year old man is repulsive, and with good reason. I've asked women about dating guys in their 20s in the past and they look at me like I just showed them a picture of dog puke. 22 year old men are imbeciles. 32 year old men are slightly better but not much. You probably have to wait until they're 52 before a guy is normal. If you're lucky. Anyway, maybe there's a double standard, I don't know, in this day and age it doesn't seem likely. But people also don't know  how to mind their own business to beging with. And if it makes her uncomfortable maybe she should try to pick someone that hasn't even gone to his 5 Year High School Reunion yet.

Kate Beckinsale's Head is now Carrying an Alien

I wasn't going to write about this because it's gross but it seems Kate Beckinsale and Pete "Mr Hilarity" Davidson's relationship is official as announced by their open mouth kiss. Is she getting paid for this? What am I missing? Well...Kate has her mouth open, and it looks like Pete's appendage is trying to impregnate her head or something. I'm sorry I'm still not buying this, it just feels wrong. And I'd like to point out I have no dog in this fight anymore this is all coming from a legal viewpoint now. All of this happened while they were at a hockey game. A game enjoyed strictly by dopes. I guess we'll see where this winds up. My guess would be Kate moving on to the next thing and Pete having another hissy fit on Twitter.

Kate Beckinsale Leaves Jimmy Kimmel

Kate Beckinsale was spotted in leather pants leaving the Jimmy Kimmel show sans her gay, 22 year old boyfriend and I think she made the right decision. He wasn't man enough for you baby. And I guess her pants are leather I have no idea. I'll have to inspect them more closely later if you don't mind Kate. And I don't know why there are still late night talk shows because I have no idea who still watches that unfunny garbage. I imagine it's all overweight, late night security guards that are falling asleep at their desk with their feet up, a Styrofoam coffee cup in their hand and the TV on while burglars are silently sneaking in behind them. Turn around you fool they're right behind you!

Kate Beckinsale Cocaine Messages

There was a story about Kate Beckinsale sharing texts with her daughter about cocaine or something but I saw the picture of her standing in the bathroom dressed like the 1989 version of Vicki Vale and that was enough for me because I'm not reading that crap. And as much as I like Kate let's be honest, if it wasn't for me and The Daily Mail who else would talk about her. I'm sure she's very nice and maybe she feeds stray animals but c'mon. And she may be a fine actress but I wouldn't know. I think I saw her in this one thing where they're in a hotel? And people watch other people get murdered? Something like that. It seemed like pretty standard murder/gore nerd/studio tax write off movie. Man she's good looking isn't she? But there was that whole Pete Davidson thing so you may as well start that hepatitis cure you see in those TV commercials right away if you go within five feet of her.

HOW! Are You Kate Beckinsale

My boss asked me to start an hour early today at the job that pays me money so I don't know how much I'll be able to write today. Hey if any of you want to start paying me for this you know where to reach me. Don't email me through the site though I'll never read it. But this early start business throws my whole schedule into chaos, so when I saw this picture of Kate Beckinsale dressed like an Indian squaw I thought "Man I'd like for her to smoke MY piece pipe" and then I remembered that's an antique my grandfather picked up when he was in New Mexico during the war so keep your hands off of my collectables Kate. Everybody knows you can't trust an Indian.

!!!SEXY UPDATE!!!  I think I managed to slap together a few extra hilarious posts today so check back!

Happy Birthday Kate Beckinsale

 Kate Beckinsale dressed like a Playboy bunny for her 50th birthday on Saturday because that's what people do I guess. I assume they mean last Saturday because it's Saturday now and it's only 6pm Central (I wrote this on Saturday) so it seems a little early to be dressing up like this. I suppose it's possible she's been drinking since 11am so who am I to say anything

   I have two words of advice. First, those stripper heels are fucking awful. And I don't know who the blonde is on our left, I scanned the story a couple of times for her name but I couldn't find it I'm sure it's mentioned somewhere, but, if I were Kate I'd leave her out of the pictures next time. Or maybe get some fat friends or something because you obviously need the focus to be on yourself and trust me, she's not helping your cause.

Kate Beckinsale Reaches New Heights

 I haven't written about Kate Beckinsale in a while so now seems like as good a time as any since she got all dressed up like a mannequin from a Merry Go Round store in the 1980s to go to somebody named Vas J Morgan's birthday party. I'm sure he's the man of the moment and hugely influential to stupid people, because they usually are. Hell he's important enough to get the D-List actress ex-wife of a C-List director to show up. so he must be somebody.

Believe it or not I actually like her dress, but as usual I HATE her shoes. Couldn't they just be regular shoes why why why do they have to be platforms? She's 5'7 so it's not really necessary to make her taller, 5'7 is a good height for a woman. Any shorter - say 5'4 and under you're considered "adorable". Anything above 5'10 is scary to a lot of guys. Not to me of course because I'm more manly than most guys. And I actually happen to like tall women.  Listen Kate, a normal strappy, sexy high heel would have been fine, now you just look like a stripper that got dressed at work.

Kate Beckinsale Cares

 I don't have anything prepared for today so I found this picture of Kate Beckinsale over the weekend outside at a zoo kissing a kangaroo while wearing a mask. Stupid ass.

Kate Beckinsale is Single

Kate Beckinsale broke up with her "boyfriend" Goody Grace and then posted "You don't need a man" on Instagram, which is pretty much what you'd expect the woman that's constantly taking pictures of herself wearing bikinis alone in her house would say. Maybe her and Elizabeth Hurley can join forces and create the world's most boring Instagram account.

Kate Beckinsale Gets a Tan

I don't really have much today so here's Kate Beckinsale yesterday in a bikini from her Instagram. I'm not sure why she's on that big trampoline you sexy minx. I'm game for anything just remember my rules, no other dudes and no permanent scars.

Goodbye Kate Beckinsale

My love affair with Kate Beckinsale ended at exactly 9:51 am on December 9, 2018 when I saw this picture of her leaving some kind of event with her friends and she had that stupid "QUEEN" tiara or whatever it's called on her head. I don't care if it was meant tongue in cheek that's a huge red flag.

Kate Beckinsale's Pussy Pics

 Kate Beckinsale has reached the "selfie with cat" portion of her career. Good for her. Being a go-getter is what it takes to get ahead in this world. Maybe if you dated someone that was old enough to buy beer on their own you wouldn't be in this mess, ever think of that? 

Kate Beckinsale Topless!

The headline where I stole this picture from tricked me into clicking on the story because they said Kate Beckinsale posted a topless photo on her Instagram. What a bunch of filthy liars. Posting a picture of your head while you're not wearing a shirt doesn't make it a topless photo. This is like that time they said I wasn't wearing any pants but leather chaps fully count as pants I don't care what that stupid judge has to say about it. And I didn't want to force you to read the ridiculous comments left by shockingly desperate men on her gorgeous, tastefully shot black and white photograph, was that taken by a professional? so I covered them up with a copy of someone that has me blocked on Twitter.

Kate Beckinsale Works Hard

 Kate Beckinsale was at The Cannes Film Festival. Maybe she was waitressing, it's so hard to tell these days.

Kate Beckinsale is Nuts About the Dentist

 Kate Beckinsale took her cat with her to the dentist. Her cat that was dressed up like Yoda. Frankly, I'm a little surprised this was allowed, is she that wealthy? Hey maybe the next patient has an English  Mastiff they really love.