Saturday, January 30, 2021

Ulrika Jonssan has a Problem


 Ulrika Jonsson (left) says Elizabeth Hurley (right) is "crossing a boundary" with all the pictures she's posting on her Instagram. 

The mother-of-four admitted the main reason she opposes the photos is that Elizabeth enlists her loved ones such as her mother and son Damian, 18, to take the pictures.

 She said: 'But would I ask my 73-year-old mum or 26-year-old son to take pictures of me in just my underwear? Not on your nelly.

'Firstly, it would never happen because I think my the would both be mortified at the thought. But secondly, it just feels wholly inappropriate.'

 First of all, shut the Hell up "Ulrika". Secondly, inappropriate? Not for nothing, but I'd like to point out that Liz (I call her Liz) is older than Ulrika. It's so weird isn't it? I would have thought a women like Ulrika would be happy for someone like Liz being so confident with her appearance, what with the way Elizabeth makes even some 25 year olds look like frumpy hobos, and wouldn't try to cut her up like that. Especially since Ulrika has posted plenty of pictures just like this I wonder what the problem could be... Women are such a mystery.

Friday, January 29, 2021

Dua Lipa is Talented


 Dua Lipa is still a good singer, as evidenced by a picture she shared that I would probably be happy to get in a text from just about anyone. Keep up the good work Dua.

Jennifer Aniston Update


 Attention everybody! Jennifer Aniston got new highlights! I don't know what that means, but see? I can actually tell she isn't wearing a bra in that other picture. Wait a second, what was I talking about? Oh right her "highlights" I thought that was a children's magazine. I have to be honest I've said this before and I'll say it again. I don't care what color your hair is. I don't even care if you have hair. Anyway, why don't you stop by Jen we'll discuss hair color...highlights? Uhhh... curlers? Whatever, just bring the dress..

How, Demi Moore


 I don't know when Demi Moore became Queen of the Navajos but seeing is believing. Please Demi. Stop. There was a time not so long ago when I would have crawled over broken glass to get to her, but okay, I guess I didn't realize Charlie's Angels was already 17 years ago. She's just three years older than Elizabeth Hurley and six years older than Jennifer Aniston. By the way this is some fashion show in Paris. I think. Fendi? Adidas? I don't know.

 Anyway, I think maybe I'll just stop here because obviously there must be something wrong, and while I enjoy being mean as much as the next guy, I just can't. Something is obviously wrong and it doesn't feel right..

Thursday, January 28, 2021

Salma Hayek. A Retrospective.

 

There was another one of those "things" wherein someone posted a bunch of pictures of someone in various states of undress and then built a story around it. Luckily for everyone, this time it was Salma Hayek. It's pretty much just like the Elizabeth Hurley one from the other day but if it's someone this hot, I'm forced to talk about it. Sorry I don't get to make the rules. Hey if they keep making these I'll keep stealing the pictures and posting them here.

  I suppose I could always make them myself, and you know what? This might not be such a terrible idea. Attractive women in bikinis are always a great way to generate clicks. Everyone loves looking at attractive women, even other women. Plus this way I'm sure the tribute is for deserving people. Jennifer, Gwyneth etc. You don't want to open the page and see a bunch of bikini pictures of Ellen DeGeneres or Lizzo or something. I'm sure they're nice people and all but let's be serious..

Saweetie is Still a Person


 "Saweetie" is in the news again. Probably for her ability to "rap". It's more likely though that it was because of her tits. Which I have to admit caught my eye. Just look at 'em. I thought her name looked familiar and look at that! I've written about her before! In September 2019.  It's two years later she still has those nails, and you don't get to keep nails like that by doing a lot of heavy lifting. Or any lifting at all actually. Fingernails like that break off if you look at them the wrong way so there's probably a dent in her couch that her ass fits into perfectly. Two years huh? Boy, time sure flies when you don't know someone exists. .

Wednesday, January 27, 2021

Colton Underwood and Cassie Somebody hit the Brakes

 

Colton Underwood and his girlfriend Cassie Randolph broke up. That shitty lightning bolt I tried to draw between them is proof. All I have is paint so that's as good as it's ever going to get. Look, I'll be honest, I'm not even sure if that's Colton Underwood and Cassie Randolph, I just saw a picture of two people connected with the source story so I just made some assumptions. Listen, the guy's name is Colton, so if you ask me, not enough bad things can happen to him.

Yet Another Elizabeth Hurley Update


 Okay I know I've been a little heavy on the Elizabeth Hurley stuff lately and I admit, it may be a little too much. But this time, this is as much about me this time as it is about her. She said her mom took this newest picture for her. 

 Elizabeth Hurley has clarified that her 80-year-old mother was the photographer behind her latest slew of sizzling topless Instagram snaps.

 In the post, Elizabeth revealed on this occasion her mother Angela was behind the camera as she took the selection of racy images in the show over the weekend.

 C'mon Liz, your mom? I can't believe a woman this insanely attractive, and wealthy has to ask her mom to do this. Look I'm pretty open minded, if you need someone to take naked pictures of you, I have to say I'd like to think I could manage it. Nobody has to know, and we can keep it just between you and me. You know, sort of like a hobby. We can do this as often as you want.  It'll be fun!.

BREAKING SELENA GOMEZ BRALESS NEWS

 


Selena Gomez went shopping without a bra. Can you imagine, we live in a time when someone thought this was news. I don't even know how they know she isn't wearing a bra. I've been a man, and an admirer of the female form for as long as I can remember. In fact I don't ever remember not liking girls, and I don't know that she isn't wearing a bra. Maybe it's because I don't care. If you ask me, I'd be more concerned about those high waisted jeans she's wearing. Someone really should have a talk with her about those.


Tuesday, January 26, 2021

The Life of a Rat


I don't care what your politics are, this kid is nothing but a punk snitch.

Christie Brinkley is All Smiles


 Christie Brinkley grinned her way through another vacation in Parks and Cakes, or Turkey Caca. Torques and Cuckoo? TURKS AND CAICOS. It's an island chain near the Bahamas, but good luck spelling it. She's 66 years old did you know that? I'd say she's remarkably preserved, and  I've gushed about her before but I'm not doing that anymore. Honestly she looks miraculous but who cares, she's not flying me to an island paradise so whatever. Go snorkeling or grinning or whatever it is you do now. Jerk.

Sach Baroin Cohen is Helping


 Sacha Baron Cohen says me made "Borat 2" for a very special, and specific reason...

'I thought the thing I can do to warn people is to use my funniest character, my most popular ­character, to show what I thought the dangers of ­voting for Trump were. I felt democracy was at a very dangerous point.'

His "funniest" character. I could be wrong but it might have helped and been a lot more effective if anyone actually saw this movie, but I'm not a Hollywood insider so I'm probably just talking out my ass. Better luck next time Borax.

We're Happy to Report The Pandemic Ended on January 22nd


 Today marks the first time I've gone to the Daily Mail website in almost a year, and had a difficult time finding even a single story about Covid. Not a single one. No death count, no giant red lettered headlines about full hospitals, overwhelmed intensive care units, and makeshift, third world style morgues built on a street somewhere in Brooklyn. You don't have to believe me, just click here.  I can't imagine what changed virtually overnight to make all of these terrifying stories vanish into thin air like a puff of smoke. Life truly is a mystery.

Monday, January 25, 2021

The Flaming Lips Bubbledy Bubbledy Doo


 So The Flaming Lips are still a thing. And they're still the darlings of pretentious jagoffs everywhere. That's quite the staying power. These guys started their band when my mom was 33 years old. 

Yakkety yakkety Covid... 

Frontman Wayne Coyne shared footage from Friday’s concert at Oklahoma City’s The Criterion on Instagram, with the band performing to the bubbled audience. At one point during the show, Coyne shed his own bubble to hold up a giant lettered balloon that read “Fuck COVID-19.”

 The “Space Bubble Concerts” were originally scheduled for December, but the rising numbers of coronavirus cases in the Oklahoma metro area forced the Flaming Lips to postpone the shows to January 22nd and 23rd. The band also did a test-run of the inventive shows — which Coyne promised was “safer than going to the supermarket” — in October.

Thank God Covid is still here to fill the gap left by Trump leaving office. I'd really hate for people to develop a personality all their own. 

Saturday, January 23, 2021

Liz Hureley Update

There was some kind of weird Elizabeth Hurley Instagram Retrospective yesterday. Except for the obvious reasons I'm not sure why this was done. So to save you the grief of having to scroll through yet another internet shit pile of a story, I saved some of the best pictures and put them all together in one easy place. Pretty neat huh? I even moved some of these into my... "private" collection. You know, for... uh... later. Hey I'm only human THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER


 

 

 


Cardi B Tests the Limits



 Cardi B walked around, in public, like this the other day. On purpose. Maybe she was on her way to audition for the new Ralph Bakshi movie tentatively titled "The Disgusting Horny Cat and a Bunch of Weird Caricatures of Black People". There wasn't much to this story other than she walked around, and shopped and so now I wish I hadn't scrolled down to see what other information there might be because the picture of her from behind (inset) wasn't really something I'd planned on seeing, and they buried it down there, most likely on purpose. But I did see it, and you have to see it too. 

 I still don't understand how there isn't anyone around to stop these people. Just someone that pulls them aside tactfully and says, "Are you really leaving the house dressed like that?" Doesn't this woman have a mother or something? Cardi B is 28 years old so her mother would most likely be a woman in her 50s and it's not like she'd be like Aunt Bea or something. But she'd at least have some life experience on her side, and enough sense to say, "Honey, I lived during the 1980s, don't do this. Trust me."

Friday, January 22, 2021

Michael Moore is at it Again

 

 
 
Michael Moore is at it again....

We the people have evicted him. I will go ahead & cancel the U-Haul.'
Moore added: 'He now flies over the wreckage he has created, knowing we are not done with him.
'Trial. Conviction. Imprisonment.
He must pay for his actions - a first-ever for him.
'

 He said all of this on Twitter by the way.  Because of course he did. I don't know what he means about the U-haul, but he probably promised to move to Canada if Trump was re-elected. Just like he promised all those other times but never did.

I don't care what party you support. If you think anyone is going to charge, convict, and imprison a president, former or otherwise, from either party, for anything short of committing murder on camera on the White House lawn, in front of a live television audience, you're even dumber than I thought. And let me tell you, that's really saying something. This is some kind of weird fantasy, like the kind of thing a little kid dreams of will happen to his parents after they punish him. This will never happen. Not in a million years and these grifters are just soaking you for everything they possibly can, because they just saw their click factory fly off in Marine One. 
 
Hardly anyone cared what Michael Moore said while Trump was president, how many do you think will care what he says now that Trump isn't? Exactly.

Can you imagine the precedent this would set? Joe Biden has been president for 48 hours and he's probably already committed three offenses that he could be imprisoned for. For this reason alone, this kind of thing will never, ever, EVER happen. But they watched you imbeciles click on every Russian collusion link and watch every breathless "We got him this time" story for the last four solid years so they know a sucker when they see one. There's an old saying, if you look around the room and can't figure out who the sucker is, you're the sucker. And I'm sorry to tell you my friend, that sucker is you.

Wednesday, January 20, 2021

The Foucs is on Amanda


 Here's Amanda Holden yet again. I know I probably said I wasn't going to write about her anymore but something about this picture really caught my eye. I just can't figure out what. What in the world could it be, just one of those things I guess.

Ben Boom Shakalaka


 Ben Affleck broke up with his girlfriend and immediately turned into Bill Murray from "Stripes". Don't go doing anything crazy like joining the Army Ben, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Just go easy on the donuts, okay pal?

Miley Cyrus is Gay Now

 

Miley Cyrus has reached the end of whatever her last iteration was, because she's gay now...

Miley told SiriusXM: 'Girls are way hotter. We know this. Everyone I think can agree that from ancient times dicks makes wonderful sculptures. Other than that, I'm not as interested. I like d***s as art pieces. And sculptural, I love the shape, I think it looks really good on a table.

 It's good if it can just get in and go away, because I don't want it eyeing me up. That's how I truly feel. I felt really good about saying that. Everyone knows that t**s are prettier than b***s.'

Miley feels a greater emotional connection to female partners than male and finds it easier to find the right 'role' within same-sex relationships.

Is she gay? Who knows, she talks like a crackhead. I don't know what the fuck she's talking about with that word salad up there. Has anybody checked her meds? Can you imagine being this desperate for attention? Her career is all but over and you can tell she knows it. The only place I ever hear about her anymore is on The Daily Mail, and in "throwback to 2006" segments on "101.9 The Mix. Chicago's Shittiest Music" 

I guess her little ploy worked to some degree because her I am writing about it. To be fair it was either this, or more stories about how JLo took her world famous booty to the beach in Miami. Hey here's an idea. Maybe her and Jennifer Lopez can make a sex tape together and really give their faltering careers a real boost. I wouldn't watch it because there are way hotter girls than these two doing that exact thing, and for a lot less money, but I'm sure somebody would, but I prefer to support the struggling artists because I'm a hero..

Tuesday, January 19, 2021

Zara Larsson is Somebody


 Zara Larsson was at the Scandic Stadium doing something dressed like this. I made almost all of that up. I have no idea where she was or what she was doing, or who she is. I just saw a cute, half naked girl and went with it. From what little I gleaned from the article I scanned she's a singer. And the photograph is proof enough. You know how you know that? By the dress she's wearing. The more naked they are, the better they are at singing. You know who you won't see wearing a dress like that? Renée Fleming. .


Steve Harvey Goes Sailing



 Steve Harvey was on a yacht in St. Bart's, a place name that will always make me laugh.  No word yet whether he was there because he wanted to be, or if he got dragged aboard because he got tangled up in someone's net.  His wife of course was on a jet-ski, otherwise known as "The Ride of Assholes", which is absolutely something I will never understand the appeal of, and his daughter who of course is doing whatever that is. Frankly, I would have been surprised if his daughter wasn't doing that.  Just what the world needed, another soulless, talent-less, celebrity offspring, dead-eyed goon. At least none of them are wearing masks, while pretending they care about others I guess.

Monday, January 18, 2021

Ariana Grande Sits Around


 Hey Ariana Grande is still famous! She was blah blah doing yababa yabba catsuit blah blah blah who gives a fuck.  We're coming out the other side of the "pandemic" and I guess now we're going to find out who the survivors are going to be. I mean career-wise. I wouldn't have guessed she would be one of them but I don't know anything and I'm happier for it.

Is Someone Keeping an Eye on Germany


 Looks like the Germans are at it again. Someone is keeping an eye on them, right?

Friday, January 15, 2021

Meghan Trainor Got Knocked. Up.


 Hey! Remember Meghan Trainor!? Of course you do, who doesn't? Well, she got porked and now she's pregnant. This is huge news for 2021 you know. I assume of course since she's the whitest woman on the planet, if she has a boy he'll be named Brysinn, and if it's a girl? MacCken7ee (the "7" isn't a typo) It's almost like I have a crystal ball isn't it?

Thursday, January 14, 2021

Lady Gaga Does Stuff


 Lady Gaga is going to perform at Joe Biden's inauguration, so if you want to see two things that are going to suck all in the same place, now's your big chance.

David Bowie Breaks Out


 An unreleased David Bowie demo is set to be auctioned off on Friday. It includes the songs "Run Piper Run" and "Lay Your Head Upon My Shoulder" and is expected to bring $20,000. I wouldn't pay $2 for anything by David Bowie who, although he seems like a cool guy, is in my opinion probably one of the most overrated musical acts on the planet, second only to Queen. But then I'm not an effeminate high school boy, or a middle aged, upper-middle class white woman with mental problems so what do I know.

Wednesday, January 13, 2021

Jennifer Lopez Washed Up at the Beach


 Jennifer Lopez went to the beach dressed like a caricature of a washed up 1930's actress in a 1960's Russ Meyer movie. Lucky for her she has lots and lots of money because people in general don't pay for pictures of untalented people at the beach. Hell even I stole this one, so she isn't getting any residuals from me.

Tuesday, January 12, 2021

Damian Hurley has no Real Life


 Damian Hurley shared what they called a "sultry snap". This is Elizabeth Hurley's son, by the way. Here he is taking pictures of himself, by himself in the middle of an empty background, completely devoid of friends, family, reason, or meaning. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree I guess, both of them all alone in the Void. What a sad pair these two are. 

Someone should make this kid dig ditches for a few months this summer, or work as a tire changer or something, just so he knows what work is. Maybe get a few callouses somewhere in case he falls down picking flowers for his new crown or whatever it is he does. Flake.

Monday, January 11, 2021

Christine Lampard Got Banged


 Christine Lampard made the news because she's pregnant. I have zero idea who Christine Lampard is, but congratulations for having sex I guess, I really don't know what else they want me to say.

Katie Holmes is the Hero We Need


 Katie Holmes walked around with her new boyfriend, "Wacky" Jeff Halloway. I'm kidding I have no idea what his name is. I saw what his name was, and then promptly forgot it. I wasn't going to write about Katie Holmes anymore but what, with the Civil War ramping up there isn't much else to talk about. 

 So here they are going for a pretend walk while wearing masks to have their picture taken. How do I know that was the purpose of this walk? Because if you look, no one else is wearing a mask, plus they're outside,  so they want you to know they're "doing their part" to "slow the spread". There were other pictures but this is the one I used to illustrate that purpose. If you have a better choice let me know what it is. Maybe you could be my photo editor. Anyway, It's called "virtue signaling", and it gives people a warm and fuzzy feeling about them, and let's other's know they believe what they believe. That's my theory anyway but I don't think too many people think about Katie Holmes much anymore no matter what, I'm just being honest. 

 By the way, if your boyfriend owns a pea coat, break up with him immediately.  ..

Demi Rose Loves to Rock Out


 Demi Rose is still in Ibiza. Here she can be seen wearing half a t-shirt you can buy at JCPenney, of a band she's probably never heard, that broke up after the singer committed suicide a full year before she was even born. Three months before she was even conceived. I'm not going to write about this gross oxygen waster anymore.

Sunday, January 10, 2021

Amanda Holden Put on Her Mad Bikini


 Famous nobody Amanda Holden is mad at her country (The UK) about Covid or something. I actually added a link this time so you could read it for yourself because I'm tired of this. She put on her "I'm Mad Bikini" so you know she's serious. You know, you can be mad about stuff and not tell everyone. That's always an option. It used to be you would complain to your bartender or the lady that does your nails. Now *I* have to hear it every day, and believe me, I'm not interested. I'm fucking exhausted with you people and how you're constantly OUTRAGED by everything. Please, shut the fuck up for a couple of days. Or maybe forever. But I'll settle for a couple of days, it's better than nothing.

Updated Old Story


 I wrote the original of this story nearly 3 years ago. I took it down after posting it. I also included screen shots of the original sates etc just for... whatever reason. Probably because I know how short your memories are and also because of your nasty habit of whitewashing things to put them in a more positive light for yourself.  Anyway, the original is back up in it's place but it can't be edited,  I'm not sure why. Maybe because it was sitting as a draft for two and a half  years after I took it down. Anyway I'm putting it up again because I think you need to read this. It's only my opinion of course. Read it or don't I no longer care what you do. Not that I ever did in the first place.

 All comments are disabled for all posts on this site because comment sections are septic tanks for the mentally unbalanced on the internet so if you have a differing opinion write me a letter and drop it in the mail box somewhere.

Saturday, January 9, 2021

The Skinny on Izabel Goulart


 They said you could see Victoria's Secret model Izabel Goulart's abs and that it was sexy. Yeah, I can see her skeleton too but that doesn't mean I like it. They keep calling her 36 years old because it's pretty obvious they think we're dumb and they don't want to insult me without actually calling me a stupid fucking asshole right to my face because she's 36 in the same way I'm the King of the Slide Guitar.

Friday, January 8, 2021

Happy 40th Birthday Paris Hilton


 Paris Hilton is a multimillionaire that turns 40 years old on February 17 and she's still doing this. Doesn't she feel ridiculous? If not, why not? Psychopath

Thursday, January 7, 2021

Breaking Alessandra Ambrosio News


 Alessandra Ambrosio was in the "news" again, for doing this. Again. It's only been a couple of days since the last time she did this, people aren't waiting on the edge of their seats for this, are they? I hope not because if they are, that's pathetic and way, way worse than making a living by having your picture taken on a balcony. At least she's getting money for this. Somehow. I assume. Whatever, if this is what you want to use to fill the void in your life who am I to argue. I do nothing but look at pictures of motorcycles, and girls disco dancing so I guess I'm really no better

Dildo Buys a Dog

 

I saw this thing about some guy called "Diplo" and it sounded vaguely familiar so I did a quick search and lo and behold I've written about him before. I called him Dildo then too. Since he looks pretty much the same I see no reason to stop now. Cute dog though. Dildo

This is Real


 This is really an article. I'm not linking it because I'm not going to be a participant in furthering this nonsense, so if you want to see it, try Google. It' right there in your computer, just push the "Google Button". You do realize this show went off the air almost 10 years ago right?  Do you do anything besides watch TV? Do you have any other interests? You should try something else. There are fun things you can do besides follow the lives of fictional characters (fictional means they aren't real. They don't actually exist) on the Flashing Noise Box in your living room. Buy a puzzle, build model airplanes. But I suppose it's your life. Whatever keeps you away from people I guess.

Wednesday, January 6, 2021

Salma Hayek Goes Swimming


 Now here is the real Salma Hayek. Not like that stupid fake one that fooled me last time.  There really isn't much of an update or news or anything I just saw the picture and uploaded it here for... later. I guess.

Kylie Monogue Likes Disco Clothes

 



There was a big gushing story about Kylie Minogue performing with Dua Lipa. Here's an actual quote from the aforementioned story...
The singers performed (...their) song during the December live stream and are said to have been inundated by fans 'begging' for another collaboration

 Oh yes, people were "begging" for this collaboration I'm sure. Kylie Minogue is quite literally twice Dua Lipa's age but also three times as hot so I'm going to drop Dua Lipa (if that is her real name) from the rest of this story.

Unless this turns into one of those "Step Mom Punishes Teen Daughter" things I've heard so much about.

Susan Wright is Stabby


 The woman on the left is named Susan Lucille Wright. She isn't really famous or anything, but she was released on parole yesterday (Tuesday) after she was convicted of stabbing her husband 193 times. I'm only writing this to tell you that I want to stab that guy 193 times and I've never even met him. Honestly, I can't think of anything I'd want to do 193 times. Think about it, you couldn't even eat 193 Doritos in one sitting.

Tuesday, January 5, 2021

Jenna Dewan Gets Ready

 
 
 Jenna Dewan got dressed up for New Year's Eve, and her fiance, Steve Somethingorwhatever, got dressed up for a Hootie and the Blowfish reunion concert. Can you imagine how awful a person a woman that looks this good would have to be for Channing Tatum to divorce her? It's entirely possible that he's simply a moron. Never forget, Occam's Razor posits that the simplest explanation is most likely the best one.

Megan Thee Stallion is Expressionless


 Megan "Thee Stallion" wasn't famous a year ago. And now she is. Blank stare and all. The article attached to this picture I stole said she "sent temperatures soaring" while she performed on New Year's Eve, probably because it was written by her management company or somebody that wasn't wearing their glasses. If there is one person on Earth that should be setting aside money for a rainy day- please Ms. Stallion -  make sure it's you. This is going to be a very, very short ride. Remember Camila Cabello? I didn't think so.



Monday, January 4, 2021

Naomi Watts is a Month and a Half Older


 Someone was talking about how Naomi Watts still looks young, even though they said that back in October. I don't know how much they expected her to change in a month and a half, but you know how Lizard People are. Even when they're 75 they look 30 and then suddenly the bottom drops out.

I only mention it this time, because a shit-tonne of people clicked on the last one and I had no idea Naomi Watts was so popular. Of course they could have been looking for her beauty secrets, which as I said, the number one secret was being born Naomi Watts. If you have a way to suddenly become Naomi Watts then more power too you.  Frankly I think I prefer the Naomi Watts on the left. I'm not one of those guys that thinks women look better "naturally" quite the opposite in fact. The more make up the better I say. Walking around all dolled up like Bozo the Clown, or a British reality show moron, means you care about your appearance. I myself am wearing three different brands of eye shadow as you read this. I wonder if Naomi would like to get together and trade secrets. I swear I'll leave my shirt on this time.

RIP Tanya Roberts


 Tanya Roberts passed away. She was 65. Evidentially she collapsed after walking her dogs, and so far, no cause of death has been determined. I'm keeping this very clinical, and very short because the poor lady just died and I don't want this to get ugly.