Nicole Scherzinger Blah Blah Blah

I've written about Nicole Scherzinger a lot, even though her last name is hard to pronounce, and she has zero real talent as far as I can tell, so I write about her mostly because she's supernaturally attractive. If I could have drawn the perfect woman was I was 17,  it would probably have been her. But I have to be honest, this constant need for attention from some of these people is starting to get exhausting. You don't see this kind of nonsense from "real" stars. Just the Kardashian level people. Maybe it's fun and cute for her, but I don't know, these C-Level people need to find something better to do.  Here's the caption for that Instagram post...

'Casual quarantine cleaning and cooking attire whilst listening to @TodrickHall’s new album. Have you seen the video for 'Mask, Gloves, Soap, Scrubs'??'.

What the fuck is that? Is that even English? She's not "quarantined", somebody took that picture. And probably 100 more on top of that. At least. I still look at The Daily Mail for a lot of stories because it's the biggest garbage dump there is, but it's always the same 12 people. And you haven't heard of most of them. Nicole Scherzinger is on that website once a day at least, and if you weren't reading this, would you even know who she was? Elsa Pataky? Vogues Williams?  Eiza Gonzalez?  My guess would be, no, you most likely wouldn't know any of these people. And the C and D-List men are even worse. The men all look exactly the same and are probably about as smart as a bag of doorknobs. I'm the writer of these stories and I don't remember any of these people two seconds after I walk away from my PC.

I need to find new source material if this is going to continue.

Whoopsie

Did you read that part? Did you read any of this stuff? Will you have three months worth of mortgage payments available immediately at the end of 90 days? I bet you won't. What's your monthly mortgage payment? $800 a month? $1500 a month? Will you have $5000 to give the bank immediately on August or September first? No you won't. You know why? You're staying home to save lives that's why. Frankly, I wouldn't care all that much, if you want to live outside that's fine with me, this is the land of the free. But like a drowning swimmer you're going to take me down with you and that my friend, is unacceptable. Have fun eating out of garbage cans for the rest of your life.

Howard Stern is Cutting Edge

Howard Stern hasn't really been in the news all that much for the last five or 10 years, at least as far as I know,  so he wanted to remind you that he's super edgy and urged Trump supporters to all drink disinfectant and drop dead.

'Yeah, and all take disinfectant and all drop dead,' Stern then stated.

People are still calling him a 'shock jock' because they all live in 1986. Full disclosure: I've never liked Howard Stern. It's long been known that his radio "show" has writers. I mean people write for his show as it's broadcast, sure it's probably likely he comes up woth stuff on his own but what choice does he have? They can't put the actual funny people behind the mic, who would Robin Quivers cackle at if that happened? Plus back in the heyday of "Drive Time radio DJs" - say the late 70s thru the mid-90s -  Howard Stern would steal pretty liberally from Chicago DJs like Steve Dahl (there were hundreds of links I just picked one at random),  Johnathon Brandmeier and even Mancow Mueller if you can believe that.

 So for the next few hours people will remember Howard Stern so he can keep paying for wigs, and then they'll just continue on with their lives like they normally do until some other 'celebrity' says something super controversial. I'm waiting on pins and needles.

Sarah Michelle Gellar is Pretty in Pink

Sarah Michelle Gellar dyed her hair pink and it turned her into a totally different person because she looks like someone else now. What I mean is, if you told me that was Sarah Michelle Gellar I wouldn't believe you. She's 43? When did that happen? I mean she looks really, really, good. And the pink hair goes a long way too. She's married to Freddie Prinze Jr. for 17 years? Where the Hell have I been? Everything in this post is everything I know about Sarah Michelle Gellar, and  I have many more questions about the aforementioned Sarah Michelle Gellar and frankly I blame the pink hair because I've never thought about her before. Thank God she isn't wearing polka dots.

Kate Hudson Gets Bawdy

Kate Hudson said she would have "totally" hooked up with Jimmy Fallon if he'd "made a move" 20 years ago. Made a move? Kind of like Fonzie, or maybe Ralph Malph...

 'If you would have actually made a move, I would have totally gone there,' the actress, 41, told her friend of 20 years, who interviewed her remotely as she quarantined in Los Angeles.

I don't know if I'd admit out loud that I would fuck Jimmy Fallon, but she did and on video. Plus it's forever captured on the internet now, so good luck denying that. Oh, and by the way, don't bother trying to click play on that You Tube clip it's a screen grab. I'm not interested in having an animated  Jimmy Fallon on my blog for any reason.

Alice Eve Wants to be Naked

Alice Eve said she has no problem taking off her clothes for movie roles. Initially I said to myself, "Well, that's a good thing because you're a porn star" but it turns out she isn't a porn star, she's a legitimate actress. I have no idea who I keep mixing all of these people up with.

'I don't have any ­aversion to flesh or showing it. I think if you've got flesh then it should be shown  Besides, you limit yourself if you are against all that because it's part of the job really. But it can be a bit weird sometimes.'

 She was in "Star Trek" in 2012 but in what capacity I have no idea. By the looks of it I'd say she was "Underwear Girl Number 1" but I'll never know because I'll never watch it. Remember when that guy from Star Trek got killed by his own car? It seems crazy but shit like that happens all the time. Not to anybody I've ever known,  but I do hear about it now and then, but then again, I don't know anybody that stupid either, so maybe that's the reason none of my friends have had their heads crushed by their own car. While they're driving it. 

Halsy Gets Polked

Well...Here's Halsey again. And there's those polka dots again. I'm sorry don't know what to tell you, it's something I can't fight.

Jack Withehall and Roxy Horner are Somebodies

Jack Whitehall and Roxy Horner were on lock down. Outside. Without their space suits and masks. And that doesn't look like they're six feet apart at all. I hope they don't die, what a loss to the world of entertainment that would be. Or whatever part of the television/movie/music/modeling world they belong too.

Ant McPartlin is Somebody

Ant McPartlin and his forehead played with some balls. He's some British guy and no, I don't know why I've written about him twice either. I still think it's weird that you could be famous enough in Britain that strangers would actually watch him do something like this, and probably think it's very exciting, yet I've never heard his name spoken in the United States even once. It's like a whole different planet over there with their own famous people, and different money, maybe they even have jet packs over there but there's no way we would ever find out. Aluminium? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???

Danielle LLoyd Does Shots

Danielle Lloyd washed her car dressed like my white trash fantasy. There's always a lot of stories about her and they called her a WAG (?) but she's from the UK so I can only assume that's some reality show. Or I guess it could be some branch of the British military like the WACs was, here during WWII. The story said this was Birmingham but it looks so sunny and warm, I mean, maybe all the stories I've heard about British weather were a lie. But, if it's all the same to you, I'm not here to talk about British weather, I'm here to talk about hot, white trash girls, but now I've lost my place. Whatever, she'd probably just wind up drunk on Jack and Cokes and scratching your face because you looked down Brittany's shirt while you two were playing pool. But that's the risk you take with those hot white trash girls. Isn't that right Beth. I mean Danielle.

Hilaria Balwdin Likes Pictures. Of Herself.

Hilaria Baldwin continues to have sex with Alec Baldwin and she's pregnant - again- and there's the proof. Why on Earth she continues to have sex with that guy is anyone's guess. If they got divorced and she called me for a date I'd say "Did you really have sex with Alec Baldwin? Oh, well then no thanks I'm washing my hair".  They should sew a big red "A" on her clothes to denote that she was married to "Alec". Jesus if this woman isn't taking pictures of herself doing yoga she's taking pictures of herself being pregnant. Maybe she should try taking pictures of something else for a while, at least pretend you have some interests other than yourself.

Sarah Silverman Keeps Calm

Sarah Silverman continued her "tradition" of banging on pots and pans for whatever reason she does that. I know it's for attention but it seems like such a weird thing to do. I don't even know what she does for a living anymore, but really, if she wants attention she should stick to what she normally does and wear a dress like this.  It's a lot less noisy, unless her boobs make weird noises, which I guess is possible, what with the internet and USB ports and everything nowadays.

Site News

I haven't written anything for today yet and my toe kind of hurts so I'll have to see how it goes in a little while.

Lizzie Cundy is Somebody

Lizzie Cundy is a "media personality" from somewhere, but I stopped reading after I saw how to spell her name so she could be from almost anywhere. She put on a bathing suit and played with a hose and then of course posted pictures on Instagram, and then I wrote abut these events. Pretty spiffy huh? There were multiple pictures to chose from, and  I chose the picture of her wearing aviator sunglasses on purpose. Firstly because they look super hot on girls, and two, you don't want to see her without them. She's not ugly or anything but it's obvious she's had a bunch of unfortunate plastic surgery, so she looks basically like Bruce Jenner the day after he walked out of the hospital and told everyone he was Kaitlyn now.  She's only 51 so I don't know why people do that, especially if they don't really need it. Because otherwise she could easily pass for 40. Whatever it's her face, if she wants to look like a former Olympian I'm not going to stop her.

Halsey is Pretty in Pink

Halsey did this and put it on Instagram. Her music is awful beyond belief but she is as hot as Hell - it's really unbelievable - so I'll keep writing these about her if she keeps doing things like this. All kidding aside, I still think she should be on some kind of state sponsored mental health check list or suicide watch. I don't know why I get that feeling but I do.

Blake Griffin Won't Allow You to Pass

 I haven't written anything in a couple of days (this was actually written a couple days ago) because I've been avoiding most of the internet, especially celebrity pages because let's face it, most of the people that read celebrity pages are kind of dumb - oh uhhh I don't mean you - and so lately the sites are always filled with maudlin emo teenager-like "we care" stories about 9 year olds that had to spend their birthday alone, :(  and rage bait for clicks headlines about who dropped dead from "The Vid" as I've been calling it. But then I saw this Minotaur with abs and I thought, "How about a nice abs story for the two ladies that occasionally read this?" I guess his name is Blake Griffin, and his hobbies include, guarding mazes, and walking around with his shirt off. So if you're up for a really dumb looking guy with muscles, he's your man. Maybe you can both meet up and do shots or chug beer or maybe shoot hoops or something.

Ranjut Chowdhry Dies

"The Office" actor Ranjiut Chowdhry died of a perforated ulcer in his home city of Bombay. I've seen a few episodes of The Office but it wasn't really my thing and apparently none of them involved him because I don't recognize him. Coincidentally I also had a friend that died of a perforated ulcer. I guess he had it for years - I never knew - and one night he bled to death in his sleep. So there you go. That's all the perforated ulcer death news I have for you. Maybe if you have nothing to do, check back later for more.

Halle Berry is Racist

Halle Berry put on white face and paraded around on Instagram for kicks. Wow what a world we live in today. What's next for her, making fun of Subarus and French bulldogs?

Louise Thompson Has a Nice Stomach

 Louise Thompson is some reality show dullard from the UK. Apparently all they do in the UK is drink tea, eat scones, and watch reality shows. So here I am writing about this idiot who also claims to be 30. Kind of like how I claim to have seen Bigfoot. She has awesome abs though I'll give her that. And that's mostly why I wrote this. Because she's pretty hot.

 But wait! You can have abs just like her!... If you send her £129.00. However much that is in real money I have no idea. I hate to break this to you but that's all diet. There's an old saying "Abs are made in the kitchen". You can do sit ups from now until the cows come home, but if you aren't eating absolutely correct and limiting your fluid intake it won't make the least bit of difference.

 You pretty much have to be under 10%, and probably more like under 8%,  body fat to have abs like that or even abs as most people know them. That's why she doesn't have boobs. Her period has most likely stopped too. Because her body is starving. That's also why you see skinny kids with abs. It's because they're mostly see through and not necessarily because they're in good shape, they're just not old enough to be fat yet. Don't believe me? Look. She has nice abs in the before picture. All she had to do was be on a super strict diet . Sorry but that's the big secret.

 I tried to get really nice abs once, so I ate like a body builder and I achieved it (of course), but eating the way I had to eat to get them, I lost so much weight so quickly that people literally thought I was dying and I was so physically weak I could barely walk to the corner without being dragged. But it's an accomplishment, if you feel like living that way. So can you send me $129 now?

Kate Beckinsale Plus 22 = What

Kate Beckinsale has a new boyfriend named Goody Grace. They called him a "rocker" but I have my doubts. Maybe she likes his skinny jeans and Aunt Bea sweater. It's funny, I was just mentioning how I don't care about age gaps and have zero problems with any gap no matter the size. But this guy is 22. I was actually kind of harsh on Leonardo DiCaprio for basically the same thing. I mean c'mon the guy was in high school in 2016.

 If you ask me this is borderline pedophilia. What in the world could you possibly talk about with a 22 year old, beer bongs? Edibles? Okay, okay yes, yes it's a sex thing, but once again he's 22. He was probably a virgin as recently as 2015, how good at it could he be?  The source said he's one year older than Kate's daughter, but think of it this way. Even if his mother was 23 when she had him, that means his mother is younger than Kate Beckinsale.

After skipping around and reading a little more about him they said this guy is a rapper. Hahaha. What? That's the only link I'm providing if you want to know more, that's your problem.  But okay, you know what? I'm done with this. Another snow white Canadian rapper. I don't even like rap but even to me that sounds the same as building Ferraris in Poland. Hey, It's your life. Maybe take him to Disneyland. Or Parrot Jungle is nice, I went there once when I was like 8 years old and got bitten by a cockatoo.

What's in a Name

I saved this picture of Binky Felstead but now I don't remember why. Possibly because her name is "Binky". What's her boyfriend's name, Stoopy? Whatever, fuck these people. Whoever they are.

900 Pound Man Doesn't Die from Covid-19

This guy was named James King and he weighed 900 pounds. My motorcycle doesn't weigh 900 pounds. I searched and searched for the original story, but I think it was flushed down a memory hole because now it's nowhere to be found. You see he died a couple of days ago and the !!!SHOCKING HEADLINE!!! from a few days ago said he died from Covid-19, but it turns out that wasn't the case at all. If you think back a few sentences, you'll see that I mentioned he weighed NINE HUNDRED POUNDS and guess what happens to people that weigh almost a half a ton. Their hearts stop.  I didn't even realize a human being could weigh as much as a juvenile hippopotamus but there he is. Or was. Not everyone dies from Covid-19. Sometimes people just die.

Mariah Carey Does Stuff

Remember when I wrote about Mariah Carey a couple of days ago? Of course you do, who doesn't? Well since then she posted a picture of her and her boyfriend (name unknown) on Instagram the other day, so I assume that's a recent picture and she looks really, really good and not at all like a hunchback or whatever I called her the other day. Of course I have no idea how doctored this picture is, but judging by some of the other ones on her Instagram, I'd say it's doctored A LOT.

 She's 13 years older than him did you know that? I have plenty of posts right here where I've made it abundantly clear that I have zero problems with age gaps no matter who is older/younger, or even how big that gap is. So many in fact I'm not going to link them because I don't use tags and I'll never find them but they are certainly around here. It's long been my opinion that people over 30, and certainly people over 35 for sure, are basically the same mentally and the numbers on their driver's license are essentially meaningless.

 But you people seem to take at least some issue with it, at least publicly, so I mention it only in passing. And I'm mostly sure you take issue because it makes you feel somehow superior to others, and scores you points with other internet simpletons even though you most likely live in a one room hovel over a dilapidated YMCA somewhere and probably shouldn't knock anyone for who they're sleeping with and can only dream of nailing some hot bimbo that was 15 years younger than your disgusting fat ass but yeah I'm sure your argument is sound.

Christine McGuinness is Self Whatever

Christine McGuinness took the opportunity to social distance herself or inter herself or blockade her house or whatever. Where's your mask hippie? Blah blah here's her tits. If nothing else this whole pandemic has been a regular boon for "celebrity' D-Listers looking for attention. Hey I wrote about her. Her tits anyway.

Someone Check on Sarah Silverman

Sarah Silverman banged on her "distraction toys" while they hosed out her cage. I hear they lure her out there with various fruits and vegetables, and once she discovers the utensils, they can get to work. I hope they don't have to anesthetize her to get her back inside this time, drugging them is always very stressful on the animal. I mean, "comedienne".

Brittany Snow Isn't Dead

Here's a story about Brittany Snow, another person I thought was dead, but no, there she is walking a "dog". I wonder who I keep thinking of. The story describes her as "the Pitch Perfect star" but that was almost 10 years ago so I hope you can understand my confusion. I'll bet you $10 you can't guess her husband's name. WRONG it's Tyler, of course. At least according to the source material. His name sure isn't Rex, or Al, or Robert. I bet Tyler is the perfect name for him and his comically oversized Marlboro Man jacket.

Jesy Nelson is Somebody

This is Jesy Nelson in a bikini. I'm writing about her mostly because of the aforementioned bikini, and also for a third story because I'm not her type (obviously) and I promise she isn't mine. I wouldn't want to be staying at her place and accidentally find her ex-boyfriend's eye brow shaper in the bathroom. How awkward would that be? And what happens if her lip fillers suddenly erupt or fallout or whatever happens to those things? Do you have to rush her to a hospital in the middle of the night? Who keeps track of all of her berets? Sorry I'm just way to selfish for all that nonsense.

Kathy Lee Gifford Should be Careful

Kathy Lee Gifford is "quarantining" in Florida which came as a surprise to me because - and I'm not kidding or trying to make a cheap joke - I thought Kathy Lee Gifford died a few years ago. I'd think being dead would put you in one of those higher risk groups I've been hearing so much about so being quarantined might be a good idea. But if it wasn't her that died,who was it? Hey good for her for still being alive and all of that though. Keep on truckin' Kathy Lee Gifford.

Bebe Rexha Goes Natural

Bebe Rexha went without make up, and if she wants my advice, I'd say she shouldn't do that. It was for a Vogue make up tutorial and apparently they backed a cement mixer right to her back door. Is everyone sure these are even the real people? Because I'm not so sure. But then again I didn't realize Bebe Rexha was still famous because I figured she'd reached the end of her 18 months and that was that. It's like some kind of 50s Sci-Fi thing with these people or something.

PARIS HILTON TOP LESS

Paris Hilton did a "sexy photo shoot" for something called Rollacoaster, which, considering how they spell "roller" I assume is a magazine about hip hop. In the interview she also talks about how she started a whole new kind of celebrity (wretch) and how she's friends with Marilyn Manson. Marilyn Manson?? Haha whatever you say Paris. They called this topless, and I suppose that's fine and all, but if you're brand new to the internet I'm not sure you're aware that you can watch Paris Hilton actually having sex and in a different video, giving some dude a blow job. Which if I'm honest she looks pretty good at. Maybe she missed her true calling.  I'm not linking anything, mostly just because, but all you have to do is search "Paris Hilton Sex Tape" and it POPS up immediately. So listen, I know it's just my opinion but considering that, maybe we're all long past the !!!PARIS HILTON TOPLESS!!! photos.

Kim Kardashian Breaks the Surface

Kim Kardashian showed off her ass but I'm not sure what other option she has at this point, since it looks like the humps of the Loch Ness Monster or some other kind of submarine or perhaps barnyard creature sticking out of the water. Maybe a manatee? Maybe one of those pigs that live on that island?  No not that at least that's cute. This is revolting, I don't know what it is with you weirdos and this woman's disgusting ass but at least I don't have to live with you - or thank God near you - for that matter.

Site Update

I have two stories I just wrote but I decided to save them for tomorrow. That's called delegating. I think. You'll be glad, because now you have something to look forward too.

Nicole Kidman is Spooky

I wasn't going to write anything else today because I'm lazy, but I didn't want to leave those previous morons on the top of my page so I whipped up this thing about Nicole Kidman and how she thanked nurses for their fight against Covid-19. She said she is the daughter of a nurse, and by the looks of it, a Civil War nurse. So she understands, blah blah something something..

You do realize you're going to have to spend the next 20 years of your life thanking street sweepers and bus drivers right? But I got news for you. Those guys aren't working because they feel some heroic, overwhelming desire to get you to Walgreens during a zombie apocalypse. No, the pay for those jobs is generally shit, so they have no other choice but to work, and generally feel lucky they've been allowed to even continue at all so they can continue to buy food while internet people pretend they're saving the world from their couch. Trust me, at the moment I'm one of those guys that has to be out delivering packages to you people, and if I could, I would just stay home. You're not going to like it but I'll be brutally honest here when I say frankly, we don't care whether you live or die. Okay I can't speak for them that wasn't nice. I don't care whether you live or die. Better?

The Country is in Good Hands

Just thought I'd mention that the people "in charge" of this whole Coronavirus thing are so mindbogglingly dumb they don't even know how to wear a medical mask properly. Can you even imagine? It's totally baffling. I admit I didn't go to medical school, but I'd think even if you dropped out in the 5th grade to go work in the Pennsylvania coal mines like they did in the 1930s, you'd know how to wear a mask. In fact the very, very stupid woman on the right is THE BOSS of the Coronavirus task force in Washington. But don't worry, the democrats are "The Party of Science", so I'm sure they'll get a handle on all of this right away.

Olivia Buckland is Spotted

I saved this picture of Olivia Buckland based on two things. Her purple hair, and the polka dots. The tattoos aren't entirely necessary but they don't hurt either. She's a British reality show idiot and normally I have zero interest in reality show nit wits, even if they are built like a brick shit-house, but polka dots compel me to do things I wouldn't normally do. Kind of like when Curly smells Wild Hyacinth.  Don't ask me to explain it. Just one of the many fascinating, mysterious, and complex facets in the diamond of me.

Hayley Hasselhoff Freaks Out

David Hasseloff's daughter Hayley says she has anxiety and panic attacks. Imagine that, an upper middle class (or wealthy) super-white girl on the internet that has anxiety, and panic attacks. What is the world coming too.

Bilie Eilish is in the Dog House

 Billie Eilish is in quarantine, and lucky for her she said she likes being alone. I myself like not hearing Billie Eilish but there isn't really too much else going on so here we are. And, by the way,  she's reached the age of majority so I'm not picking on some kid anymore. If you're old enough to join the Marines, you're old enough to be made fun of.  And if there was one famous person on earth that wasn't a rapper, or motorcycle builder Jesse James that owned pit bulls, I would have bet everything I had on Billie Eilish and guess what. She has two.

 '[It's a ] full-time job,' the homeschooled vegan joked. 'There's such a misconception about the [breed]. They're sweethearts, they cuddle.'

Fascinating. Okay I'm tired of this flash in the pan, let's move along shall we? I'm guessing she has two, maybe three years left, tops. So if I were her, unless her parents are the CEOs of a pharmaceutical company I'd start saving my money or get used to eating something besides plants. Veganism is the diet of rich people. But I believe Ramen Noodles are vegan. Good luck Willie

James Krasinski Blows Up

Emily Blunt and James Krasinski called some kid on Zoom (?) about "Hamilton" (?). Are they in Hamilton? I don't have the slightest idea why they would do this otherwise, and from what I understand "Hamilton" is a musical, so I have absolutely zero interest in any of this. The last musical I watched was The Blues Brothers but I wouldn't really call that a musical. I can see why that gets lumped in with them but... c'mon a musical? Spare me. When's the last time a musical featured Sam and Dave.

 I would like to know why John Krasinski's face is blowing up like a balloon, although I'll never actually try to find out. Maybe he's sick or taking steroids. My friend Jim H. had to take steroids for something and he looked like a cartoon character that got hit on the head with a giant hammer. I don't get all the love for that Krasinski guy, maybe his giant face appeals to women, but Jim's didn't so I guess it'll be another in a long line of unsolvable celebrity mysteries.

Elsa Pataky is Exciting

Elsa Pataky went to the beach with her husband Wolverine or Batman or whoever that guy is. Man, I looked everywhere for something to talk about and Elsa Pataky in a bikini is the top of the heap. The thing is, the original story pretty much just described what they were wearing, which is weird because there it is in the picture, a black bikini and a hat. I don't know how they managed to stretch that out for 1000 words or whatever it was, but I guess that's why they get paid and I don't.

Rod Stewart Catches Some Rays and Something Else

Rod Stewart and his wife Penny Lancaster went to the beach while looking like a couple of gross old swingers searching for an orgy. I've never actually been to an orgy but, I have been in Costco, and a locker room, so all I can say is unless the orgy is me and 15 personally selected women from the Porn Hub Amateur Superstar section, I'm afraid I'm going to have to pass. I'm not saying you're gross, but I guess I sort of am. Imagine a room full of "husky" cargo short and belt wearing dudes, and overweight women with that weird mullet and the dream catcher tattoo they eventually all seem to get, all naked and slobbering all over each other. No thank you.

Chris Cuomo is Brave

CNN news person Chris Cuomo was diagnosed as having Covid-19 three days ago and in that span of time he

1. Chipped a tooth from shivering because he had such a high fever.
2. Hallucinated that he was talking to his dead father also because of this fever.
3. Lost 13 pounds.
4. Won the Super Bowl after he was called in as a back up quarterback after Michael Jordan injured his knee


Okay I made up the last one, but all of that other stuff has happened. Since Tuesday.  And all while being interviewed - on television - seemingly every hour on the hour. Hey if he has it he has it, I'm not calling him a liar. Godspeed mighty warrior.

Join Voight Also Walks

Academy Award winner Jon Voight shuffled around outside. At what age do you start filling your shirt pocket with pens? When does that happen? Your 40s? Your 60s? He's 81? Man I didn't know that. The whole pen thing seems to happen and I just want to be prepared. A good pen is handy to have around, I admit. I mean you never know, you might have to sign a contract at a moments notice or maybe jot down some hot babes digits.  He's Angelina Jolie's dad you know, remember her?

Judd Apatow is Walking Out of Central Casting

Judd Apatow got dressed and went for a "Hangover Walk" to clear his aching head. Later he went through a Burger King drive through, in his piece of shit 1995 Lincoln Continental with the noisy muffler that's held up with a coat hanger, and sloppily ate a Double Whopper and fries while steering his car with his knees before heading home to his shitty apartment he's about to be evicted from that contains only a couch with a ratty blanket, beer cans, empty grease stained pizza boxes, and empty KFC buckets that he has to kick to the side to get to his filthy kitchen to answer his phone.

Gwyneth Paltrow Talks Turkey

Gwyneth Paltrow went out for a POWER WALK with her utility belt - I hope it has a little loop for a bottle of water - and her friend who's name wasn't mentioned. I wonder what they talked about. Dildos and masturbation eggs most likely. There wasn't really much more to this story than what I told you, although I made up the stuff about dildos and masturbation.

Ellen Goes to Prom

Ellen DeGeneres (I have no idea if I spelled that right) shared a "throw back" picture of her going to prom. I guess because shes bored. I'm not sure what the date of this is, but assuming she was 17, and after doing some math, you know... numbers? I came up with 1975. Which is probably pretty accurate considering that guys purple tuxedo, and Foghat haircut. I have to be honest, and I know some people are going to think this is crazy but, I sort of dig Ellen's dress. It's a little matronly - she was 17 and it was 1975 -  but I think if you tailored it a little better, I bet you could wear that to work or out for an evening of fun today. I mentioned I'm a fashion expert didn't I? Well, I am. And if you'll just trust me all of this will go a lot easier for everyone and we can avoid a pointless bloodbath.

Whoopsie

I love how people that have been telling me for a month that shutting everything down was for "everyone's own good" and seems "completely reasonable" are now suddenly shocked that on the first of the month their rent is due and needs to be paid. Get your $1200 stimulus check yet? What about unemployment? How much is that, half of what you were earning just a few weeks ago? Maybe they'll accept toilet paper in lieu of cash.

 It's unbelievable, they didn't even bother to think 3 weeks in advance and so now what? What about next month? How about the month after that? 12 weeks go by in the blink of an eye and suddenly you're $5000 (FIVE THOUSAND) dollars behind on your rent or mortgage. Do you have $5000 laying around? I don't, and guess what, you won't either because you're not working "to save lives", so where are you going to get it? You won't. And banks and landlords aren't Santa Claus they want their money. You my friend, as they say, are fucked. The governor of Illinois, J.B. Pritzker, has never had a job and $4 billion dollars in the bank.  He just extended our little life saving adventure for another month, but he doesn't care about bills. He's probably never even seen a "bill". But he'll be a hero to dopes on the internet that think life is rainbows and unicorns in Fantasyland. I'm already in very serious financial trouble here in my own house, still think every thing needs to be shut down until June? Will you even be able to buy food in a couple months?

 Does all of this suddenly seem reasonable now? Sure stay home, "stay safe". Forget about you for a second, you're an adult. Where are your kids going to live? Will the place you worked before all of this insanity began even be there when you get back?  I've been warning anyone that would listen this was going to happen for a month and they all looked at me like I said "Hitler was right". Unfortunately for you, reality doesn't care about your empty platitudes. You can think fondly about all of those lives you saved while you're starving in an alley.

 You know, you're just lucky Jennifer Aniston keeps me calm.

I Know Who Chris Meloni Is

I've written about Chris Meloni before and now I know who he is. Sure I recognize him. Sort of.  I never knew his name but then, I'm lucky I know my own name on any given day. Anyway, just thought I'd update you on my knowledge of who people are. And all of the sudden he's all over the place. Okay he's on The Daily Mail a lot lately, but I'm not so sure I'd brag about that, still, you know what they say, "Bad press is better than no press". Not that the press he's getting is bad but The Daily Mail is like an open sewer in India, filled with human feces and bubonic plague.  I also sort of wrote this to ask why does he have two fireplaces and zero pictures on the walls. Jesus go to Hobby Lobby or something and get some cheap frames or a couple of cool old movie posters. I mean it's okay with me you gotta live there, and I can't see it from my living room, I guess I was just curious.

Jack Black Debuts on TikTok. Still Alive.

Jack Black made his "hilarious" debut on TikTok by...being Jack Black and doing what he's calling a "Quarantine Dance". So he's alive, and still doing this. Okay there's your Jack Black update for 2020. Don't be too down just yet, there's still eight months left in the year, maybe he'll ride a skateboard or something else later on.